Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

[Thenighttimer]

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

If you are not a troll, I don’t understand why you posted. Did you really think people might advise you to give it another whirl with this despicable, cheating, lying pos?

Middle aged man wants to relive his glory days.

Yawn.
Have some self respect and block his number.

I don’t understand the question what do you do?

He gets jealous even though he has a wife.

You stopped messaging last time because of it.

I’m genuinely confused as why people would think this is a joke post? Or that I’m a troll? I’m well aware due to the nature of the post, people may get triggered/have strong opinions. The post was intended for advice. As I’ve stated, it’s never been relayed to anyone before, if anything from the post, I only hoped to gain advice, maybe from the hope of someone that’s went through the same thing/similar situation.

Please tell us you didn't do the deed in their marital bed....did you?

I'd be devastated to go to his home, see photos of her and their happy family, etc then do it in the bed he does it with her.

That's why most affairs happen in hotel rooms or elsewhere outside the house.

🤢

Because it’s so unusual to see someone so openly happy and boasting about sleeping with a married man, who has a child at home. Truly grim of you both

What advice might it be possible for anyone to give? Your options are a). repeat what you did as a silly teenager, colluding with a cheat to treat another woman despicably, or b). have some self-respect and block him.

You know perfectly well what you should do. You know perfectly well what advice you will get.

The marriage wasn’t a happy one was what I was told. if anything they were staying together for their child. He also believed she was seeing someone behind his back. I’m not excusing my behaviour although I think sometimes the ‘happy family’ shout is a reach

Block him and get on with your life. Men like him never change . I feel so sorry for his wife .

Where have I boasted or seemed happy in my post? I’ve fully stated that I’m not proud and have felt guilty. I said that it was exciting for me, as it would be when you’re 19 and have someone older paying you attention. I’m fully aware how it comes across and can assure you am no way boasting

And his wife 'didnt understand him'

so if you felt so bad then why would now be any different?

Why would you be seriously considering doing again something that made you (rightly) feel guilty the first time?

They both sounded unhappy so would be interesting to know if after all these years if they are still together. I know people replying to block and move on are right in what they are saying

Well you obviously have no guilt at all otherwise you wouldn't be on here asking what you should do: your immediate reaction would have been to have nothing more to do with him.

It beggars belief that even at 19 you were so morally bereft as to have sex with your married lover in his wife's bed. Tbh you sound as though doing this to another woman actually added your pleasure.

The whole thing is just so sordid.

You must be enjoying all the reactions you are getting on this thread.

But you're considering going back there and rekindling it with him so you must be happy to a degree. He's probably still with her anyway. These men usually always pick their wives over their bit on the side.

And if he’d said “I love my wife very much, I just fancy sticking it somewhere different” would you have done it? Probably not. “Men” like this rancid specimen always say the same thing, because if they told the truth (the truth being they are vile, deceitful shitbags who are constantly on the prowl for someone with equally low standards) most women would tell them to fuck right off. Which frankly you should have done years ago and should definitely do now.

Seems like grooming but at a later stage that's just passed being prosecuted. It's icky! He's 20 years older than you! He seems like a predatory pervert. You and his wife are victims. Stop being naive and wake up it's been 6 years, if he's still doing this crap then he's still a waster of a man.

It’s not exciting, it’s disgusting and your age was no excuse. You’re nothing special to this cheating scumbag, just one in a series of affairs in which he’s likely strung the affair partner along with the same stories he told you. Some men just can’t keep it in their pants - they want the comfort and stability of a family life as well as the excitement of the single life, and you facilitated that.

Six years on he clearly hasn’t changed and neither have you. If you had truly matured to the point where you could look back on the affair as a ‘dumb decision’ (your words) you wouldn’t have needed to post here because you would already have blocked and deleted. If you’re honest, you’ve posted here in the hope of replies that will give you ‘permission’ to contact him. Because everything about your posts says that that’s what you want, so l agree with a poster upthread who said nothing we say will stop you from making another ‘dumb decision’. You’re both as bad as each other and my heart goes out to his wife and family.

You do know what’s the right thing here, and if you don’t, then words fail!

How on earth are they victims, are women ever expected to use their brains at all any time a woman does something they wake up and relaise they shouldnt have done the label 'victim' gets used

Are you saying women are less intelligent than men? really?

Yeah I’m sure that’s what he told you, it’s the same story they all have.

obviously you block and delete why would you even think about getting back with this person, even ignoring he’s a disgusting cheat, by your own admission he’s a creepy obsessive man.

It wasn’t just attention from an older man though, it was from an older married man betraying his wife and family - which you knew. You say you’re not proud of what you did at 19, and yet, if you’re honest, here you are six years later considering doing the same thing again. The fact that he was a married man with kids meant nothing to either of you back then, and nothing’s changed otherwise he wouldn’t have contacted you, and you wouldn’t be looking to give yourself permission to reply.

Six years on, what do you think of a man who chooses a 19 year old to confide in? You may feel you were old for your years then but what life experience did you have to be of any use to him? He was incredibly immature to do that and obviously had no concerns about dumping his emotional baggage on a teenager. So he is an arsehole before his deceitfulness is considered.

I don’t get the impression that you think fucking another woman’s husband is a rotten thing to do, even now. What is it you find exciting about it? Is it just that you feel you are getting something over on someone you don’t even know. He didn’t fuck you because you were special, he fucked you because you were available. When you weren’t, you can bet your life he was fucking another teenager who found it exciting rather than shameful.