Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

[Thenighttimer]

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

This is going to sound really harsh but you need to grow up. This isn’t f a love story it’s abusive. You were so young when you first got with him and he was married At the end of the day even if he is no longer married then what would you want with him? An untrustworthy partner and shit father .
I would also suggest you getting therapy to work out why you get excitement from sleeping with a married man, and why you would even consider if . You are accepting beyond second best and you should be only aiming for kind love , where you are priority and it is healthy and calm . This is the opposite , it’s drama and cruelty . Stay away from him surely you know the answer. Sidenote - he clearly needs therapy too but I don’t care about him .

I am well aware I am probably meant to sugar coat it and add 'kindly' but I dont think it would do any good, are you really that desperate for attention this is what you want? are there not other people in your life that you can interact with?

You seem fixated on him and I am not sure if is self esteem or what problems you have but does he have to have a great big alarm on top of his heard screaming WARNING STAY AWAY

But to be perfectly honest you won't listen to anyone so you will fall for it and probably waste a few more years before you wake up one day and realise, how many red flags does a person need?

He’s not a good guy, @Thenighttimer. He is a low integrity individual — a liar, manipulator and cheat who is reeling you back in.

Haven’t you learned anything? ‘Reconnecting’ with this slimy guy would be an exercise in
self-harm.

@Thenighttimeryou’re clearly going to go back to him and think you’re two star crossed lovers. Wait til you have to have his kids every other weekend.

FFS OP, he just wants the thrill of someone 20yrs younger on his arm...or a quick shag...one or the other. This is not destined to be a great relationship. Even if you got back together and it was all hunky dory at first, the rot will seep in. Having an affair is totally different to living with someone and all their icky habits. At 45 and already a father, he likely won't want more kids. If you do persuade him to start a family, that's when he'll cheat again, as your focus will be taken up with the baby and not him.

Save yourself the future heartache. A quick response telling to stop harassing you and block again. If you meet him even once he'll try and reel you back in, probably by love-bombing you. Think carefully about the future. 20yrs is a huge gap. When you're still in your prime he'll be starting to suffer health conditions, possibly ED too. You could end up becoming his carer if it even lasts. You're in your prime. Find someone nearer your own age and leave the dregs alone.

I strongly suspect you'll ignore everyone's advice on here though and contact him anyway. I can only say...look at how many people are saying don't do it.

Firstly, he's not 'confused and upset' that you stopped replying to him, he's pissed off that it's proving to be a bit more difficult to get you to agree to have sex with him than it used to be.

Secondly, you have no real idea what's going on with him and his wife, whether any of that conversation they had actually happened or even whether his wife's affair actually happened, whether they really have split up or are intending to. All you know is what he's telling you, and you already know he's a liar. Why do you think this latest story he's spinning you is any more likely to be true than everything else he's told you about his unhappy marriage and 'we're just together for the sake of our DC'? Why do you think a man who lied to his own wife year after year is telling you the truth?

Thirdly, he wants to 'reconnect as friends'? Come the heck on, OP. You cannot possibly be that naive.

Fourthly, as a PP said, it's all but guaranteed that he's sending similar messages to other women as well, casting his line far and wide to see which of you bite. If you could see his 'sent messages' folder right now, you'd be feeling a hell of a lot less flattered that he cares so much about you and wants to be your friend and wants to talk.

Ignore every message he sends you, block him every time he manages to get hold of your new contact details, have nothing more to do with him ever again. He's doing his utmost to suck you in again and you're on the verge of falling for it. Don't. You and he are not a pair of star-crossed lovers kept apart by cruel fate, he's a lying, cheating, manipulative predator who cannot be trusted an inch.

Oh ffs no!!! You are 25 and don’t need so much baggage. Do you want kids? Do you want to go out on a Friday night? Because he is completely passed his prime.

grow up.

How convenient. His wife just confessed to an affair did she??

I don't believe a word of what he said. Stay away. Surely you've got better options than this old dude with a history of cheating. Even if what he says is true, why isn't he focusing on getting out of his marriage??

Take control of this and block him from that contact too
You might have been naive and unwise at 19, be smarter at 25.
Don't get drawn into the lies and chaos of a serial cheater again. You have no idea if any of the stuff he has told you about him or his wife is real or what his true motivation is, but the simplest explanation hes looking for ego stroking and sex again.
'He understood I would not want to have gotten back in touch after all these years of no contact' and yet despite this superior understanding he cant accept your choice and is trying to reel you back in again to get involved in his life and emotional shit. Is that the future you want?

Get on with the rest of your life - find happy, positive relationships on your own terms and hopefully a partner closer to your own age who can offer a relationship and shared future without 20 years of baggage, lies and emotional manipulation

You wasted years on a married man who wouldn’t leave his wife for you. You weren’t enough for him then when you were a teenager so why would he devote himself to you now? I don’t get it at all.

Urgh. I can tell that you're going to go back to him.

He has no respect for your boundaries (i.e. you blocking him) - but then that was only to be expected from someone who's already shown himself to be a predator. He's on the lookout for a nanny with a fanny - someone to look after his kids when it's "his" weekend with them, and to have sex with.

In ten years' time you'll be back on here because he'll be cheating on you with someone younger. I know men like this and they always need to trade in for a younger model - younger than their own children, even.

Plus, as someone has said above, when you have kids or get into your 30s, the realisation that he's a groomer will hit you like a brick.

His wife just confessed to an affair - course she has 🤣

Cool story bro as they say.

Hes a proven liar so why believe a word the piece of shit says?

But your update shows you haven’t really taken anyone’s advice onboard, you haven’t grown and moved on and you’re absolutely desperate for attention from this community cock. You don’t seem to have found any dignity and respect in the years since you jumped into another woman’s marital bed with this sad old cunt.

Crack on, start shagging him again but don’t play the faux wide eyed naive innocent this time round - you know exactly who he is and what he wants and you sound like a match made in cheating scum heaven

Don't confuse excitement with love. The adrenalin from risk-taking and feeling "chosen" is fear-based.

Don't confuse both of them (supposedly) being cheats with cheating being ok.

Don't confuse the addictive feeling of wanting to be wanted with wanting what's best for yourself and your future.

Don't live life backwards.

His wife just confessed to an affair - course she has

More like his wife has just found out about one of his affairs.

Even if she cheated too. No wonder; she'd have to be rather oblivious not to have had the slightest inkling that he's had numerous affairs, including shagging in her bed when she's away.

Even if she's a cheater too. They're a cluster fuck, with kids.

You can do better. You don't have to get involved in a cluster fuck.

At 25 (or at any age) you don't have to take a booby prize.
Which is what he, and a relationship with him are.

Heading for 50, kids to pay for, history of cheating, jealous & possessive (even when he's cheating himself & making someone an accessory to cheating.

You can do better than this.

Why do you value yourself so cheap?

You shagged him for a while, so what? It's in the past, as it very much should be. It means nothing in the scheme of things.

Why do not want better than a washed up middle aged bloke with kids who cheated repeatedly on his ex rather than just leave?

And above all ....who goes after teenagers when he's nearly 40!!!!!!

Do you really think that's normal/appropriate/the behaviour of man that age.

I don't know any decent men who'd go after a teenager past their very early twenties. Even then.

He is not a well adjusted individual. He's not got normal boundaries.

He's got no right be hurt or confused. He groomed a teenager. He took advantage of their issues. He never left his marriage (and you don't know what's really happening now).

He's not confused. Why would he be?
Why would he think you wouldn't, at 25, have prospects with men around your own age?? Why would he think you would be available for him - a 20 years older married man with kids (who might be divorcing, probably because his wife wants to split)?

He knew you were hanging out with guys he was getting jealous etc about a few years ago , so why would you not be hanging out and dating guys now?
Why would you prioritise staying in contact with his ol ass??!!

Especially since he's a cheater, and he groomed you?

He's not confused!

No-one sane or self respecting would want to stay in contact with him and keep listening to his shite.

No-one sane would want to take on his nearly 50 yr old, with kids, history of cheating self at any age...let alone nearly half his age!

He's knows that. He's not confused. He's just trying to take advantage of you/impose on you/emotionally blackmail you , as usual, cause he thinks you're a soft touch. He thinks you're still a naive, inexperienced young girl with issues. Who'll sell herself very cheap.

He's poaching on ground he shouldn't be on, at his age in his circumstances.

He gets a very very good deal out of you, you get a shit deal out of him.

I have been In this situation when I was younger, now as an older maturer woman I know what was done was wrong and disgusting on my behalf. If I was contacted again by this person I would definitely delete and block, the past is the past I’ve moved on and grown from this I’ve learned that it was not ok and the guy was clearly a wrongen. They say once a cheat always a cheat and it’s true I’ve seen it first hand and karma does catch up with you think I’ve had my fair share of karma for the stupid dumb decisions I’ve made in my life time trust me! He’s not even worth thinking about or even second questioning. Whether or not their marriage was working or not doesn’t even matter because they feed you lies to keep having sex with you as they have no human decency or morals, the jealous crap also is a major red flag 🚩 why would he be jealous when he’s slept with multiple people before you behind his wife’s back, to me now as a maturer woman that scream control! Listen to the other posters DELETE and BLOCK and never entertain him again!

Can you clarify did he tell her about his affairs (multiple) or just yours? Did he forget about the others?

I really hope it’s true that she had been cheating on him too as he deserved it after years of infidelity. But I wonder if she would have done so had he put the effort into their relationship rather than finding multiple women to give attention to in her bed.

Regardless they aren’t divorced. It doesn’t even sound like they definitely separated from what you have said. So do you really want to continue being a side piece at 25?

Assuming you would like a family of your own this is the time to find someone you want to be the father of your kids (if you want a them). Does this man fit the bill? Does he seem like the kind of man you can trust when your body is a mess and you are exhausted? If you don’t want a family and are happy to be sucked into his drama again for the thrill then sure respond. It’s your life but if you don’t want to be the other woman I would be asking to talk to the wife or proof that she does not consider herself to be in an exclusive relationship.

As soon as you start entertaining his explanations you give him power of you. Silence is strength.

Grow up! Get on with your life! The bloke had an affair with a 19 year old,he’s an arsehole! 🙄

It's a tale as old as time OP.

He thinks you're still naive and lacking in confidence.

Ignore him, delete the message and don't feel you have to hear him out.

They'll kiss and make up and he'll continue to use you.

If you do give him a chance, he'll cheat and tell you, you knew what he was like.

Cheating with him, means you're accepting of being cheated on, so he won't think twice.

Don't waste more of your time on this sorry excuse of a husband and father.

If he loved or respected you, he would have broken up with his wife first, before sleeping around.

As you mentioned, he's told you about other women he's slept with, he's a total sleazeball.

One day, when you are 35 and possibly married with a baby, you will understand the gravity of what you have done. Everyone makes bad choices when they are young, but learn from this and move on.
I think him getting back in touch is either him trying to get back at his wife, or he is lying to you and pretending she is having an affair to justify himself. You need to work on your self esteem issues and find someone closer to your age.

His tale is as old as the hills and he is expecting you to swallow it because you were young last time you saw him but of course now that you are older and wiser you know he is a liar. He and his wife are still together and if you don't believe it phone her and ask her, after all if he is being truthful( which he s not) she will confirm his story. But i bet you won't.

Another thing, being 25 and not having (I presume) had a relationship with a man with kids .....
You're not realising how difficult and unpleasant and stressful that can be.

I've done it. Different circumstances (not like his behaviour) but - it was not easy or nice at all.

And they weren't even that bad. Only one was really antagonistic.

If they split and you got involved with him and stayed involved, sooner or later you'd have to spend time with them and eventually live with them.

Most kids in that position just don't really want you in their space/living with them and it will come out in.all sorts of ways. It's not their choice, it's forced on them These kids will also be suffering from their family breaking apart.

If you are younger than their Dad, it's even worse.

I was "only" 9 years younger and I felt it.

You're 20 fkg years younger.

If you think it would be pleasant or easy, think again.

You would be much better finding a guy without kids, rather than having to deal with that.

Then there's money ..... He'll be trying to scrape money for you and any kids you had, after he pays for his kids. You don't have to be in that position, you wouldn't be with a bloke without kids. Where all (both) your money & effing goes into only your kids together.

Having experienced a relationship like that, I would choose to have kids with a guy without previous kids 100 times over than one with kids from a previous relationship.

Another point, you haven't had kids yet so you don't know how challenging it is to go through birth, recover from it and then deal with the early, demanding, stressful, sleep deprived baby & toddler years. You feel vulnerable and stressed. You need a huge amount of privacy, support, tolerance etc. and you wouldn't get it with step kids/teenagers around.

Having left that relationship and had a child with another guy (who hadn't got any kids from a previous relationship).it just wouldn't have worked. It would have made an already "challenging" time much much harder, with ridiculing, giddy, eye rolling, immature teenagers around.

I would choose a guy who's not got kids from a previous relationship a hundred times over than one who did.

And that would be if both guys were good guys. Not the case here. You think he's a good guy because of his excuses for his behaviour.... But he's not.

Decent 39 yr olds do not get involved with 19 yr old girls, let alone when they're married.

As I said, he's slam far more likely to produce kids with ASD at his age.

Find someone closer to your own age. Don't get dragged back in with this messy, odd ball, predatory, cluster fuck guy.

He's hanging around you and trying to emotionally manipulate and pull you back on cause it looks like he might end up on his own. He was happy to let things go and stay married (with only occasional contact) when he wasn't facing being divorced and single.

He's no soul mate, he's predatory and opportunistic.

All the updates in the world change nothing about the bald truth:
it was wrong back then and it is wrong now.
No excuses for cheating, it’s a choice taken with free will. You don’t need advice.
Choose better, it’s that simple.

Op, if this was your daughter or little sister...

What would you think about this situation?

What would you think about him?

What would you advise her?

Even if he stops cheating and never cheats again (unlikely). ...he's a shit deal of a 25 yr old with no kids.

He's hunting on grounds where he doesn't belong.

Just like he was when you were 19.
That says a lot about him, pay attention to it.

He's punching well above his weight.

He's back trying it on with you because he thinks you're a soft touch, he thinks you have low self esteem, he thinks you're easy to manipulate.
He bases that on the fact many 19 yr olds would simply not have entertained him. A married man nearly old enough to be their Dad. They have been focused on availabille attractive guys around their own age. They would have stayed clear of a married man with kids, regardless of whatever stories he told them about his marriage & wife.

You didn't (and haven't blocked him and told him to fuck off since) so he thinks you're still a target.

Look elsewhere and try to find a decent boyfriend.

If you need help meeting single people, start another thread for advice/suggestions.

See this as a life experience, learn from it and move on to better situations; don't throw your life away on it.

Personally I think you urgently need counselling.

This is not a healthy headspace for you to be in, at 19 or now.

The only acceptable reply to him is this, "I was young, selfish and naive, what was your excuse?" Then block him, and book some therapy to see why you are even reconsidering dating such a tosser?