Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

[Thenighttimer]

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

I wonder who people think is worse on this situation. A single person actively pursuing a married one, or the married one looking for enjoyment outside?

I'd be:

1. blocking him and having nothing to do with him. Or message him telling him not to contact you ever again (and then block him).
2. looking long and hard at yourself, and what made you think - despite the "excitement" factor - that hooking up with a guy you know is married/with someone was something you were prepared to do.
3. hoping that this wife has found out about all the cheating and divorced him.

This guy is 20yrs your senior. I hate the fact that he went for someone so young, it's disgusting. And that's not even taking into account the infidelity on his part. Also I know he was the one who made the marriage vows to his wife (and many would say that you don't really owe her anything), but I hate that you didn't walk away and tell him to take a hike when you knew that he was married. I hate what you both did to the wife too - bad enough anywhere but in her own home/bed?! My XH had an OW. To my knowledge, they never did stuff in my/our house, but that would have been an added level of shit and hurt if they had.

Surely now you're older and wiser you don't need to ask for advice here… delete and block ofc

Contrary to what everyone else thinks, I think you should ask him if he’s single. If he is, start everything back up, and get ready for a nice big spoonful of your own medicine in about a years time.

Doesn't the thought of a man of basically 40 targeting a 19-year-old now make you think "What a slimy, predatory creep"?

A blast from the past!

What good can come from contacting him? I sense you want closure, or curiosity as to how life is treating him. He was a big part of your life for many years. Maybe you knew his ‘unhappy life and wife’ was a lie, but you loved the thrill and attention (and power) from an older man. Maybe you’ve not experienced that adrenaline since.

The past is the past for a reason. Don’t contact him. Move forwards. What you did at 19 was young and foolish - you won’t be the first or last, and he used you, but get on with your life.

Well let's see.....
He's a cheater
He's a liar
He's abusive and jealous
Up his own arse thinking he can just walk back in 6 years later and take things up again
So yeah seems a catch id message back 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Come on op you can do better than this

You really haven't matured at all if you're even considering replying to him. You were barely an adult and he was 20 years your senior. He's a serial cheater and slept with you in his marital bed. You're both disgusting, but him slightly more so.

Of course he said his marriage was unhappy. They all say that. Have some self respect and delete his number and block him. Don't drink so much if it's going to leave you tempted to do stupid things. If the point of your threads is to get advice then maybe listen to what people are saying in response and act accordingly.

What @Aposterhasnoname said.
Honestly you are as bad as him, perhaps you deserve each other!

What advice do you need ? What do you think anyone is going to say?
yes call him back, go and have sex in his wife’s bed again ???

Do you know what he looks like these days? 6 years on, he might not be as attractive to you.

You're mid twenties, what's so great about some middle aged guy with tons of baggage?

Don't you get any attention or excitement from men your own age?

I think it’s accurate. 19 is no excuse. It’s old enough to know right from wrong - he didn’t hide the fact that he was married and OP was not only willing to sleep with him, but to do it in his marital bed. And make no mistake, if OP had no intention of replying to him she would have blocked, deleted and moved on as soon as she received his message. Instead she came here looking for validation because six years later she’s still up for it.

IDK? Maybe because you chose MN to post this?

Seriously, get some self respect and block this MFer. Don't waste your youth on this man.

Gross. If he’s split with his wife now I doubt you’d get the same excitement. You clearly enjoyed going behind his wife’s back. And I think 19 is old enough to know better too.

Did anyone read this part; .”He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.” then question if this thread is even real?

Perhaps because people are wondering what advice you were after, given that block delete and forget is the only sensible answer.

Funnily enough, I read that as being some of the shite he told her during a making-up phase. “You know I get jealous. You love all this attention from men now, because your Dad abandoned you and you want someone like me who stays with his kids”.

What does daddy issues even mean to you OP? It sounds fucked up but you’re almost revelling in it

OP I was you whereby I had an affair with a married man when I was young. I am now married with kids and I regret it EVERY SINGLE DAY. I bought into the BS that his wife didn’t understand him etc. It’s all crap. He was 13 years older than me. I felt I had the control of him as he couldn’t get enough of me etc. He told me he loved me. We only had sex in cheap hotels but it was so much fun. Until he ended up leaving his wife for another woman!! He was seeing this woman at the same time as me and I had no idea. This woman was much older than me and had kids herself. Obviously that’s when things ended between us but he’s continually cheated on her and I know this as other women came forward after he left his wife to say they had been lied to by him too. I know that as we all work together in a big company. He actually got sacked for lying and trying to manipulate a situation at work. He also tried to come back to me whilst he was with his new partner!

That’s what these men are - compulsive liars and no good will come of going back to him again. You will never trust him if you do end up with him as you know what he’s capable of…I’m so pleased I had a VERY lucky escape. This man’s wife is happily married with someone who treats her better. I only had his word the marriage was unhappy. I’ve never met or spoken to his wife but I’m thankful she’s much happier now. Again this is all through word of mouth at our work place. I accept I was young and stupid & I have repented ever since, praying the same never happens to me. I have learnt from it as I’ve chosen to marry a man who is the total opposite. Accept your married man is disgusting and you too have done disgusting things. Take the advice from everyone on this thread. RUN and NEVER look back, no good can come of this for you!!!! You are young and have your youth. Don’t take that forgranted as it goes very quickly. Listen to all the experienced replies on this thread and take note. The advice is in every message. RUN.

Yes I feel sorry for the wife. The OP knows it is not right. The husband has no repect for his wife or 'floozy' The 'Floozy' has zero self respect. Sad.

Tell his wife

Sounds like you deserve each other. At 19 i was infatuated with a married lecturer. He was a mentor and seemed so worldly, educated and took an interest in my life.
The day he tried to kiss me i was done. He had a wife and two DC. In that moment he became a cheat, even at that age I knew how wrong it was and wanted no part. You even slept in his wife's bed.
Fast forward thirty years and he's now dead His wife has just lost her devoted DH of forty plus years. I never told anyone.

He was the one in a committed relationship and he opted to have an affair rather then leave his wife. In fact he had multiple affairs. Even if this man is single now, you can not have a honest trusting relationship with this man, he has such a dodgy moral compass and you deserve much much better

On a separate note, if you ever do have a long term relationship with him bear in mind you’ll be whizzing around aged 55 and he could be quite arthritic and ill aged 75. Good chance of ending up his carer with such a gap.

The poster asked if you had done it in their marital bed and you side stepped the question with yet more excuses. The unhappy marriage and the staying together for the sake of the child, are straight out of the scumbag cheats’ playbook. Six years later and you still seem to believe it. And what a piece of work to question his wife’s fidelity while he’s shagging anything that moves !! Or was he saying you were just a tit for tat shag ? How flattering.

Here’s the attention you ordered:

You’re both nasty pieces of work. I’m sure he’s told you things he hasn’t told anyone else lol (just every other random woman he picks up).

Block, delete, message his wife, get a therapist to heal whatever is wrong within you.