Page 8 | Have I been SA’d?

MyTealBee · 2025-03-31T22:03:39+00:00

I’ve spoken to a couple of people about this but wanted to get a wider opinion on the matter. Maybe around 8months-year ago my partner didn’t pull out when I asked him to. On a second occasion I asked him to wear a condom and he didn’t - he didn’t pull out on this occasion either. I’m really confused as to what I feel. This wasn’t for a contraceptive reason, it was just that I didn’t want his semen inside of me on those days. We’ve spoken about and he claims he doesn’t know why he did it. Am I overthinking this or was I sexually assaulted?

brettsalanger · 01/04/2025 15:48

I think some people are still of the belief sexual assault only occurs when being dragged down a dark alley.

you didn’t consent. That’s abuse in my opinion.

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 18:10

Dear OP, I am sorry that your thread has been derailed.

I think personally that these kind of threads will always attract people from extremist camps

My stance is that if you are absolutely certain there is no red flags prior to, or after (and do make sure this isn't the case - have a really good think about that ) it may be wise to talk to your partner, and explain how you feel and ask him what he will do in future to avoid this. Gauge what his response is. That will tell you a lot.

I fear that people on here that have an agenda of labelling your partner (who you've said Is otherwise loving and respectful) as a "rapist" and casting you in a "victim" mentality may not end up being beneficial to your wellbeing.

You have every right to feel violated and confused. You have every right to voice that and seek opinions. I'd be wary and mindful of how you interpret those and what you do next. None of us know your partner - you do. Extremist views wre rarely helpful. Somewhere in the middle you'll likely find your answer. Once again, I'm sorry you've had your thread derailed.

Might be good to talk to a counsellor, see what conclusions you come to.
Best of luck.

Tiswa · 01/04/2025 18:32

@SquashedMallow Rape Crisis will be able to offer the OP counselling as well and help her understand why she feels so violated as well which is key as well.
Because if she is going to talk to him he needs to grasp the seriousness of what he did becuase that isn’t viewpoint or an extremist view it is set out as a legal offence and it is prevalent in society exactly because of views like yours.

i agree the boyfriend needs educating on boundaries and consent and the OP needs validation that her feelings of violation are correct

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 18:33

@PriscillaQueen You've 'laughing' emoji'd every single one of my posts. That are completely rational. I'm asking you politely to stop with this vendetta of yours. You're risking a ban by the looks of it. Have a good think about your behaviour. It's not mature and it's reflective of you and not me.

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 18:35

Tiswa · 01/04/2025 18:32

@SquashedMallow Rape Crisis will be able to offer the OP counselling as well and help her understand why she feels so violated as well which is key as well.
Because if she is going to talk to him he needs to grasp the seriousness of what he did becuase that isn’t viewpoint or an extremist view it is set out as a legal offence and it is prevalent in society exactly because of views like yours.

i agree the boyfriend needs educating on boundaries and consent and the OP needs validation that her feelings of violation are correct

No, that's fair enough. I see where you're coming from. I think you're point is absolutely valid.

Whimsicalgrape · 01/04/2025 18:37

Whimsicalgrape · 01/04/2025 09:25

Didn't you know you could call the rape crisis team for any form of sexual assault. That's why I posted the link. So OP can get support for how she feels. She won't have to "sit in meetings". It's a confidential line.

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As I already outlined here @SquashedMallow

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 18:40

Whimsicalgrape · 01/04/2025 18:37

As I already outlined here @SquashedMallow

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I'd ask you to politely stop @ ing me. There's been an unfair 'pile on' and I don't think that's fair at all. If I was talking out of my arse, Mumsnet would have not deleted the offending posts.

Whimsicalgrape · 01/04/2025 18:42

Whimsicalgrape · 01/04/2025 09:38

Well OP clearly posted because in her own words she feels violated. So what do you suggest, she just ignores it?

Or should she speak to people who are equipped to deal with this stuff like I suggested?

You can't just tell her to get over it because you don't view it as she does.

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I also outlined it here @SquashedMallow

Just proving a point that you read what you wanted to read.

NameChangedOfc · 01/04/2025 18:51

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 18:10

Dear OP, I am sorry that your thread has been derailed.

I think personally that these kind of threads will always attract people from extremist camps

My stance is that if you are absolutely certain there is no red flags prior to, or after (and do make sure this isn't the case - have a really good think about that ) it may be wise to talk to your partner, and explain how you feel and ask him what he will do in future to avoid this. Gauge what his response is. That will tell you a lot.

I fear that people on here that have an agenda of labelling your partner (who you've said Is otherwise loving and respectful) as a "rapist" and casting you in a "victim" mentality may not end up being beneficial to your wellbeing.

You have every right to feel violated and confused. You have every right to voice that and seek opinions. I'd be wary and mindful of how you interpret those and what you do next. None of us know your partner - you do. Extremist views wre rarely helpful. Somewhere in the middle you'll likely find your answer. Once again, I'm sorry you've had your thread derailed.

Might be good to talk to a counsellor, see what conclusions you come to.
Best of luck.

Wise words 👍 I'm sorry, SquashedMallow: the way you've been bullied by a bunch of mean girls with a fashionable and shallow agenda has made me recoil from this thread. I just wanted to express that nothing you've said is unreasonable or untrue: on the contrary, you expressed yourself with measure and it's obvious you were genuinely trying to be helpful.

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 19:20

NameChangedOfc · 01/04/2025 18:51

Wise words 👍 I'm sorry, SquashedMallow: the way you've been bullied by a bunch of mean girls with a fashionable and shallow agenda has made me recoil from this thread. I just wanted to express that nothing you've said is unreasonable or untrue: on the contrary, you expressed yourself with measure and it's obvious you were genuinely trying to be helpful.

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Thankyou so much for putting your head above the parapet to say that. I really do honestly appreciate it

PriscillaQueen · 01/04/2025 21:29

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 18:33

@PriscillaQueen You've 'laughing' emoji'd every single one of my posts. That are completely rational. I'm asking you politely to stop with this vendetta of yours. You're risking a ban by the looks of it. Have a good think about your behaviour. It's not mature and it's reflective of you and not me.

Edited

Vendetta 😂😂 How absurd! I’m laughing because to me these posts are utterly ridiculous and like you, I’m allowed an opinion. Stop reporting anyone who doesn’t agree with you. You told op that contacting rape crisis was a waste of resources because to you, someone else might need them more. I think that’s an awful thing to say to a woman who’s been violated. Maybe you are the one who needs some self reflection as to why your comments are so inflammatory.

VivienneBL · 01/04/2025 21:32

Ariellaxo · 31/03/2025 23:06

Sounds like he knows you're on birth control nothing sinister

Eh??

VivienneBL · 01/04/2025 21:34

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 18:10

Dear OP, I am sorry that your thread has been derailed.

I think personally that these kind of threads will always attract people from extremist camps

My stance is that if you are absolutely certain there is no red flags prior to, or after (and do make sure this isn't the case - have a really good think about that ) it may be wise to talk to your partner, and explain how you feel and ask him what he will do in future to avoid this. Gauge what his response is. That will tell you a lot.

I fear that people on here that have an agenda of labelling your partner (who you've said Is otherwise loving and respectful) as a "rapist" and casting you in a "victim" mentality may not end up being beneficial to your wellbeing.

You have every right to feel violated and confused. You have every right to voice that and seek opinions. I'd be wary and mindful of how you interpret those and what you do next. None of us know your partner - you do. Extremist views wre rarely helpful. Somewhere in the middle you'll likely find your answer. Once again, I'm sorry you've had your thread derailed.

Might be good to talk to a counsellor, see what conclusions you come to.
Best of luck.

Gosh some actual voice of reason on MN

PivotPivotPIVOTTTT · 01/04/2025 21:43

Snugglemonkey · 01/04/2025 10:14

There are no caveats. No consent = sexual assault. Rape in this case.

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Well I really don’t want to get into some mumsnet shit flinging contest, but on this I think we will just need to agree to disagree.

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 21:45

PriscillaQueen · 01/04/2025 21:29

Vendetta 😂😂 How absurd! I’m laughing because to me these posts are utterly ridiculous and like you, I’m allowed an opinion. Stop reporting anyone who doesn’t agree with you. You told op that contacting rape crisis was a waste of resources because to you, someone else might need them more. I think that’s an awful thing to say to a woman who’s been violated. Maybe you are the one who needs some self reflection as to why your comments are so inflammatory.

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The posts were deleted as per Mumsnet HQ. Posts do not get deleted for offering an alternative opinion. Everyone knows that.

The poster you are talking of, that you've decided to jump on the back of, was making up, well let's be frank lying about what I had said , including on this thread and previous ones.

My posting history is available for all to view. I've nothing to hide.

If Mumsnet disagreed with my reasons for reporting (which was spreading misinformation of my posts ) then they'd not have deleted them.

I will engage with you no further. Like that previous poster - you're posts are inflammatory and provocative

PriscillaQueen · 01/04/2025 21:53

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 21:45

The posts were deleted as per Mumsnet HQ. Posts do not get deleted for offering an alternative opinion. Everyone knows that.

The poster you are talking of, that you've decided to jump on the back of, was making up, well let's be frank lying about what I had said , including on this thread and previous ones.

My posting history is available for all to view. I've nothing to hide.

If Mumsnet disagreed with my reasons for reporting (which was spreading misinformation of my posts ) then they'd not have deleted them.

I will engage with you no further. Like that previous poster - you're posts are inflammatory and provocative

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Oh pleas do stop. Listen to yourself. Get off your high horse. I’ve nothing to hide either. Plenty of people vehemently disagree with you. The only difference is none of us have bothered reporting you. I’ve made about 4 comments in this entire post. Hardly a vendetta. I’m allowed to laugh if I find something absurd or ridiculous. I couldn’t give a hoot if you never address me again, quite frankly, I wish you wouldn’t but for someone who apparently doesn’t want to engage with me, you certainly keep coming back with your waggy little finger as if you have some kind of higher authority. If I was you, I’d take your own advice and stop addressing me.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 22:16

Yes this is called stealthing

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 22:27

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SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 23:36

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Maitri108 · 01/04/2025 23:37

Sexual consent can be withdrawn at any time. Sex without consent is rape.

PriscillaQueen · 01/04/2025 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Have a listen to yourself please dear. You accuse me of bullying and harassing you when you keep @ me. You’ve had lots of comments removed by MN on this thread and I’ve had one. I haven’t personally attacked you in any way other than to disagree with your comments, as have a large number of others. Now, you’re projecting I believe. You accuse me of attacking your character whilst you explicitly state that I am a bully of poor character, require self reflection and am in need of some kind of professional help. It’s laughable. You also say I’m like a dog with a bone but you just keep on posting @ me and then saying, “I’ve nothing more to say to you” and that I’m, “desperate for a reaction.” Can you not help yourself from posting? What reaction would I possibly want from some stranger online? I think you’re talking about yourself my dear. Now, as I’ve already said, please stop commenting @ me. I think your comments are unhinged tbh. Maybe you should get some sleep. You might feel better in the morning dear.

LillylollyAndy · 01/04/2025 23:49

Yes you were this happened to me and it has taken me a very long time to accept it for what it was l didn’t want to believe he would do that to me

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 23:49

PriscillaQueen · 01/04/2025 23:48

Have a listen to yourself please dear. You accuse me of bullying and harassing you when you keep @ me. You’ve had lots of comments removed by MN on this thread and I’ve had one. I haven’t personally attacked you in any way other than to disagree with your comments, as have a large number of others. Now, you’re projecting I believe. You accuse me of attacking your character whilst you explicitly state that I am a bully of poor character, require self reflection and am in need of some kind of professional help. It’s laughable. You also say I’m like a dog with a bone but you just keep on posting @ me and then saying, “I’ve nothing more to say to you” and that I’m, “desperate for a reaction.” Can you not help yourself from posting? What reaction would I possibly want from some stranger online? I think you’re talking about yourself my dear. Now, as I’ve already said, please stop commenting @ me. I think your comments are unhinged tbh. Maybe you should get some sleep. You might feel better in the morning dear.

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I haven't @ you , bar once.

Goodnight.

LillylollyAndy · 01/04/2025 23:53

PriscillaQueen · 01/04/2025 23:48

Have a listen to yourself please dear. You accuse me of bullying and harassing you when you keep @ me. You’ve had lots of comments removed by MN on this thread and I’ve had one. I haven’t personally attacked you in any way other than to disagree with your comments, as have a large number of others. Now, you’re projecting I believe. You accuse me of attacking your character whilst you explicitly state that I am a bully of poor character, require self reflection and am in need of some kind of professional help. It’s laughable. You also say I’m like a dog with a bone but you just keep on posting @ me and then saying, “I’ve nothing more to say to you” and that I’m, “desperate for a reaction.” Can you not help yourself from posting? What reaction would I possibly want from some stranger online? I think you’re talking about yourself my dear. Now, as I’ve already said, please stop commenting @ me. I think your comments are unhinged tbh. Maybe you should get some sleep. You might feel better in the morning dear.

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Stop making this about you. The OP was sexually assaulted

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 23:58

LillylollyAndy · 01/04/2025 23:53

Stop making this about you. The OP was sexually assaulted

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I had 1 comment removed. That's not 'lots of'. You have had more than 1 removed. I don't think you're thinking ok.. something's not adding up with your posts. I hope there's someone at home to support you.