Have I been SA’d?

[MyTealBee]

I’ve spoken to a couple of people about this but wanted to get a wider opinion on the matter. Maybe around 8months-year ago my partner didn’t pull out when I asked him to. On a second occasion I asked him to wear a condom and he didn’t - he didn’t pull out on this occasion either. I’m really confused as to what I feel. This wasn’t for a contraceptive reason, it was just that I didn’t want his semen inside of me on those days. We’ve spoken about and he claims he doesn’t know why he did it. Am I overthinking this or was I sexually assaulted?

Well when you sympathise with men not being able to refuse a condom but still have sex, because it goes against what a woman has consented to, what the fuck do you expect?

It is rape in law, I'm not twisting anything, so its on you to explain why you think a man should have the right to have sex with a woman without a condom, against her consent. Please do enlighten us in why men should have this right?

it is odd because you are still together months later

One time a man that i was seeing, shoved my face into his crotch, and held my face there. I physically struggled and couldn't get up away from him I said no.

He ejaculated on my face.

I felt violated for years after, and I went to rape crisis therapy.

I considered reporting him but we lived in a small town.

And after discussing it with my family, I eventually decided not to report him as I had washed my face after , amd there wasn't enough evidence .

And my family thought that if he was found innocent, it would totally ruin my life in the small town.

There are definitely men out there that won't care about our wellbeing at all, they care about their pleasure.

Oh yes, God forbid she wants control over what enters HER BODY. Jesus christ.

No he didn’t - I don’t know isn’t a valid answer because let’s face it he does know. He knows that he didn’t think it was serious enough to bother and it didn’t matter. He put his own feelings and desires ahead of hers

and he needs to realise it does matter than whatever someone’s boundary it is is to be respected not to be ignored otherwise you leave the person feeling violated

I don’t think he deserves her going to the police but I do think reaching out and getting support for standing up for her boundaries is worthwhile

these are exactly the type of situations that should be addressed because there is every chance he doesn’t realise how serious and how wrong he was and he can be educated to understand that these things need to be respected. It may be too late for this relationship or not but he certainly should be educated as should the OP

I dont know sounds like a petulant teenager and isn’t an acceptable answer.

Women also hold a lot of power in these contexts during sex. A hell of a lot.

Women gets pissed (man also pissed) have sex. Woman realises he's minging when she's sobered up. Accuses him of rape.

Man is told there's certain days when he's allowed to ejaculate and certain days when he isn't and that can change. Gets it wrong or makes an error that has no malice. "Rape". These are people's son's and brothers.

The old line of "well clearly I teach my son consent, you obviously don't!" Can fuck right off. All decent parents teach their son consent. But when the goalposts are ever changing and your son can be labelled a "rapist" (something that'll tarnish them for life) for a very blurry grey area, or worse still a false accusation, I'd certainly argue men don't have all the power.

I'd go as far as to say, it makes them very vulnerable.

Yes, it was SA.

I think the definition of SA should be re evaluated (similar to breaking and entering into a property or general assault) . It should be tiered, where something similar to this situation, a fluid consential coupling progressed and one party (without prior intention) breached a boundary, without coercion, and due to a momentary lack of control. This would be on the milder end of the spectrum. With increasing liability with increasing forethought and aggression.

This was a passive breach of a pre determined boundary, which while wrong, might be something that can be overcome with counselling and education. Women also need to use their voices and reassert boundaries, to support clarity (as do men).

In Australia, pretending to wear a condom is called stealthing and it is a criminal offence.

I believe the arguments made in this thread stem from two fundamentally different perspectives: 1) believing that all men are (potentially) rapists because they are always looking for ways to assert their power (in this conception rape=power, always and in every occasion); and 2) believing that men and women have sometimes clashing sexual/mating strategies and while all men are able to rape/assault all women, it's also true that the context of a given relationship (and this includes personalities and disorders/deviances) is fundamental to explain the facts. What I think some people of the first perspective get wrong about people of the second one is believing that having the context clear will benefit the abuser by default, or that wanting to know more (be it for legal reasons or for health or emotional wellbeing ones) means to blame the abused.

Context. Have you even read the OP?

You honestly think a man pretending to use a condom, or taking it off during sex without telling the person he's having sex with or forcing entry without a condom as agreed, Is the same as having 'condom' days and 'no condom' days and getting over excited and ejaculating when sometimes, on somedays, that is ok, Is the same thing then pfft !

Of course goalposts change that is the whole thing we should be teaching our children just because you fancy something one day doesn’t mean you do the next. Each time is a distinctly separate time.

and yes women should have total control and power over who/how/what happens over their own body.

Men equally have power to decide what happens to their body as well but and here is the crucial bit never over someone’s else

intimacy with another person is about being vulnerable and about trust and he broke that when he decided to ignore her reasonable requests about what she wanted at that point in time

It is never ok to just get carried away and ignore consent. The second consent is withdrawn, sexual contact stops. Continuing is sexual assault.

Op is entitled chose not to be a receptacle for someone's semen. If they ignore that and ejaculate inside her, they are doing so without consent. No consent = sexual assault.

It is really straight forward.

You were the poster who called women that have casual sex "easy" on another thread.

I remember you also said that women have casual sex have no respect for themselves.

Consent is EVERY time.

Learn about consent.

Rape and the video about "Do you want a cup of tea" explains it all. Just because someone wanted tea on Tuesday, doesn't mean you can force it on Thursday. Just because they took 2 sugars on Tuesday but confirmed they are sugar free for 3 days after that, doesn't mean you can force your choice of sugary tea on Thursday. However communication is the key, and minor mistakes (executed without coercion and that didn't harm anyone) need to be discussed. Repeated boundary abusing, dump.

He said he ‘doesn’t know why’, because he knows he has no excuse.

What he wanted to do to OPs body was more important than what she wanted. So he did it anyway.

Some of us get really sore when semen is left inside us. We have to shower it away immediately, or ideally not have it there in the first place.

I’m speculating based on my own experience here- did you want sex that night, or were you a bit tired and not that interested but did it anyway because he did? So you wanted the low key, low clean up kind of sex, but he went all the way anyway?

The PPs who think it’s ok to diminish another women’s unease by saying ‘you weren’t dragged behind a bush so it doesn’t count’ can kiss off.

There are no caveats. No consent = sexual assault. Rape in this case.

Consent is every time.

I had consensual sex with a man that I was seeing.

Then the next week he violently sexually assaulted Me. I said no, he forced me and he held me down.

I went to psychotherapy afterwards. And the first psychotherapist they sent me to was a man.

I don't know how it came up but he asked me something and I told him that I had sex with this man before.

The psychotherapist said "oh. You had sex with him before." And glared at me like I was wasting his time.

Consent is every time.

That's why marital rape is illegal.

Just because you wife agreed to have sex with you last week, doesn't mean that you can make her have sex when she doesn't want to, this week.

Q

Ahh so you think a woman has a right to say condom always, or condom never, but not be allowed to change her mind? Again, can you explain why you think a man's right to condomless sex comes before a womans right to consent to what enters her body? You seem to be refusing to answer why you believe men should have this right, which is strange, because you must have a very good reason to suggest a woman dossnt have ultimate say over her own body.

Let me ask you, if you went to visit a friend's house, and she'd never asked you to take your shoes off before, but this time did (maybe she'd had her carpets cleaned, maybe she was sick of people walking mud in, who knows), would you just walk in with your shoes on anyway because she'd let you previously and this new request was too confusing for you?

So because I don't indulge in casual sex and have an opinion on that, I'm not allowed to offer a different viewpoint on this subject. Right, got you.

Enjoy the "group think"

This exchange is exactly the situation the OP experienced. I love MN for that.

"Where the fuck do you people get off ? By twisting and bending what "rape" Is to get some smug satisfaction out of being able to define the op as a "victim"

Smug satisfaction? To tell OP that yes, what happened to her is sexual assault? To validate her feeling of violation? We don't feel satisfied nor smug, we feel sad for her and want her to know that we hear her and support her. You on the other hand are are screeching inappropriately all over this thread making the whole thing about you and the poor menz. Are YOU helping OP? Not, you're just centralizing your ridiculous argument and taking AWAY from OP just because you want to be right. And you're NOT right in the fucking slightest.

"(and waste resources of a rape hotline where you'll be speaking to someone that may have been forcefully penetrated with someone's hand on there neck )"

It's not the rape Olympics, you jerk. OP has as much right to ask for help as someone who was physically overpowered in the manner you describe. And most RAPE - becauise that's what this is - is committed by men we know. Stop fucking diminishing it.

"where do you get off labelling and otherwise loving partner (op said this not me ) with no red flag behaviour as a "rapist". So what favours does that do for op, for her partner, for society ?"

Who the fuck cares about the shitty goddamned partner? Why are you centralizing him? If he knew he couldn't fucking control himself, then he SHOULD HAVE PUT THE FUCKING CONDOM ON.

On a second occasion I asked him to wear a condom and he didn’t

That isn't 'getting over excited and ejaculating' though, is it?

She consented to sex with him if he wore a condom. He did not wear a condom. That isn't 'getting over excited'. It's a deliberate choice not to put a condom on.

Reported. Shouting and calling someone a "jerk" for offering balance Is not acceptable.