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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I been SA’d?

209 replies

MyTealBee · 31/03/2025 23:03

I’ve spoken to a couple of people about this but wanted to get a wider opinion on the matter. Maybe around 8months-year ago my partner didn’t pull out when I asked him to. On a second occasion I asked him to wear a condom and he didn’t - he didn’t pull out on this occasion either. I’m really confused as to what I feel. This wasn’t for a contraceptive reason, it was just that I didn’t want his semen inside of me on those days. We’ve spoken about and he claims he doesn’t know why he did it. Am I overthinking this or was I sexually assaulted?

OP posts:
Fargo79 · 31/03/2025 23:45

Ariellaxo · 31/03/2025 23:32

Ok but telling a police officer 'I told him to pull out and he didn't' whilst have consensual sex .. if that's what you want to do that's fine I'm not saying don't I just answered the question in title.
I know what sexual assault is, I've experienced it before and I've also had someone sent to prison for attempted rape.
Personally I would just dump him as he has no respect, I don't think it's something that warrants arrest but again that's only my opinion which you asked for in the title.
He sounds selfish and untrustworthy, you deserve better.

Such a gross take. Ditto to your laughing emojis in response to @Whimsicalgrape.

For someone (like many/most of us) who has experienced sexual assault, it's mind boggling that you would try and minimise it the way you are doing.

Just because consent is given to one sexual act, it does not give a person the right to do whatever they want. OP consented to protected sex. She expressly did not consent to having this man ejaculate inside her. Lots of sexual assaults and even rapes happen when consent is initially given and then either withdrawn by the victim, or the perpetrator commits sexual acts that were not consented to.

ClowningArounds · 31/03/2025 23:47

INeedAnotherName · 31/03/2025 23:18

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-57618003

Other news outlets cover stealth rape if you google that term.

Thank you for sharing this link.
As explained, not using a condom without the other partner's consent is classed as rape.
There's a storyline about it on the TV show I May Destroy You which was fascinating and upsetting.
I'm sorry this happened to you OP.

Tiswa · 31/03/2025 23:49

yes it is sexual assault and it is not listening to her boundaries and wishes on it and overruling you OP becuase he wanted to. Simple as that he neither wanted to pull out or wear a condom so the fact you didn’t want his semen inside yiu was irrelevant to him and he put his needs first

can you honestly stay with someone who shows such flagrant disregard for your wishes and boundaries

Whimsicalgrape · 31/03/2025 23:49

OP, have you anyone irl you can talk to about this? It's horrible when the person you are meant to trust does something like this.

Original poster
MyTealBee · 31/03/2025 23:53

Whimsicalgrape · 31/03/2025 23:49

OP, have you anyone irl you can talk to about this? It's horrible when the person you are meant to trust does something like this.

I’ve spoken to a couple of friends but bar one they’ve all remained rather impartial. I’m so confused and upset. I feel really violated but I don’t know if that’s valid. It’s taking up so much room in my thought space as well. I feel really empty and numb.

OP posts:
SquashedMallow · 31/03/2025 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Whimsicalgrape · 31/03/2025 23:57

MyTealBee · 31/03/2025 23:53

I’ve spoken to a couple of friends but bar one they’ve all remained rather impartial. I’m so confused and upset. I feel really violated but I don’t know if that’s valid. It’s taking up so much room in my thought space as well. I feel really empty and numb.

Show quote history

Oh OP, of course the way you feel is valid. You asked him not to do something to you and he did it anyway. It's so wrong. Ignore the posters telling you it's nothing to be concerned about, it absolutely is. You have a right to set your own boundaries about what happens to your body and have that respected. He didn't. He doesn't.

You can contact rape crisis team, they will empathise and hopefully help you through this and see it for what it is. I would definitely consider dumping your partner though as a bare minimum.

Hugs to you.

Whimsicalgrape · 31/03/2025 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Again I said "if he was reported to the police" and I have my own experiences of this where they did take it seriously. It's absolutely up to the OP what she does from this point, but I think she needs help understanding what's happened.

Tiswa · 01/04/2025 00:00

Does he know how violated you feel and that your boundaries on this are important as is the need to consent - does he understand that legally it is sexual assault - there is no question thst it is and that your boundaries and consent on this are non negotiable

yes your feelings are valid because they are your feelinfs

ClowningArounds · 01/04/2025 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

She has stated she felt very violated by it. She was asking for opinions on whether it was assault or not, which it undoubtedly was. Not on the likelihood of a conviction, which is a different question.

nocoolnamesleft · 01/04/2025 00:01

It is sexual assault. You gave conditional consent. When he blithely breached your condition, he invalidated your consent.

Original poster
MyTealBee · 01/04/2025 00:05

I just want to make it clear that I have no intention of taking this to the police - frankly, I know nothing will be done & I don’t think it would help in how I feel. I’m confused because this man is lovely in every sense other than these occasions.

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 01/04/2025 00:05

In a consensual relationship I think asking him to withdraw like that is expecting a lot.
Many men don't have that level of control.
It seems a strange request to me.
Why didn't you not have sex on those occasions if you felt like that.
Expecting him to start and stop in the very throes of action is unfair in my opinion. Because it's so difficult to achieve. That's why it's such an unreliable method of contraception.

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 00:07

I just don't think it helps when we're constantly changing and watering down what 'rape' is. It'll only lead to women being disbelieved and met with raised eyebrows of "so were you raped or where you raped?"

If a husband with no other red flags. Who knew his wife was taking birth control, came inside her when she had previously been ok with that, but it was one of those days when she didn't want semen inside her is being classed as a 'rapist' and the op is now a 'rape victim' I can't help but feel this is doing a disservice to women.

If there is zero abusive tendencies and you have otherwise good communication and a good marriage and usually respectful sex life - do you feel you could talk this one out ? Has he repeated it ? Or has he respected your feelings ? I think what happened afterwards is important.

Whimsicalgrape · 01/04/2025 00:09

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 00:07

I just don't think it helps when we're constantly changing and watering down what 'rape' is. It'll only lead to women being disbelieved and met with raised eyebrows of "so were you raped or where you raped?"

If a husband with no other red flags. Who knew his wife was taking birth control, came inside her when she had previously been ok with that, but it was one of those days when she didn't want semen inside her is being classed as a 'rapist' and the op is now a 'rape victim' I can't help but feel this is doing a disservice to women.

If there is zero abusive tendencies and you have otherwise good communication and a good marriage and usually respectful sex life - do you feel you could talk this one out ? Has he repeated it ? Or has he respected your feelings ? I think what happened afterwards is important.

Edited

He's her partner, not her husband.

tipsyraven · 01/04/2025 00:10

alexdgr8 · 01/04/2025 00:05

In a consensual relationship I think asking him to withdraw like that is expecting a lot.
Many men don't have that level of control.
It seems a strange request to me.
Why didn't you not have sex on those occasions if you felt like that.
Expecting him to start and stop in the very throes of action is unfair in my opinion. Because it's so difficult to achieve. That's why it's such an unreliable method of contraception.

Well he could have said he didn’t want to have sex under those circumstances but he didn’t. He accepted her conditions but then ignored them. He could have made a different decision.

Original poster
MyTealBee · 01/04/2025 00:10

alexdgr8 · 01/04/2025 00:05

In a consensual relationship I think asking him to withdraw like that is expecting a lot.
Many men don't have that level of control.
It seems a strange request to me.
Why didn't you not have sex on those occasions if you felt like that.
Expecting him to start and stop in the very throes of action is unfair in my opinion. Because it's so difficult to achieve. That's why it's such an unreliable method of contraception.

Because it’s messy, I didn’t want to clean up, it smells and can feel uncomfortable. Am I not allowed to have sex without wanting some control over what happens during that? I stated this wasn’t a method of contraception, I know that it is unreliable.

OP posts:
Frostynoman · 01/04/2025 00:11

Your feelings are valid OP. You don’t need external validation from your friends, and I’m sorry you e experienced this. It is assault and I strongly suggest seeking support with this (from a professional). Be gentle with yourself OP

ETA this to help explain consent:

Whimsicalgrape · 01/04/2025 00:11

MyTealBee · 01/04/2025 00:05

I just want to make it clear that I have no intention of taking this to the police - frankly, I know nothing will be done & I don’t think it would help in how I feel. I’m confused because this man is lovely in every sense other than these occasions.

He's left you feeling bewildered and confused. These are not the actions of a loving partner. Have you told him how you feel?

Whimsicalgrape · 01/04/2025 00:13

I just don't think it helps when we're constantly changing and watering down what 'rape' is. It'll only lead to women being disbelieved and met with raised eyebrows of "so were you raped or where you raped?"

Doesn't matter what you think, it's sexual assault. Full stop.

Fraggeek · 01/04/2025 00:14

alexdgr8 · 01/04/2025 00:05

In a consensual relationship I think asking him to withdraw like that is expecting a lot.
Many men don't have that level of control.
It seems a strange request to me.
Why didn't you not have sex on those occasions if you felt like that.
Expecting him to start and stop in the very throes of action is unfair in my opinion. Because it's so difficult to achieve. That's why it's such an unreliable method of contraception.

She consented to sex IF he withdraw. Do NOT turn this on her an make her to blame.
Any man who cannot control himself in that respect should be saying " I can't do that' or " I may get too carried away, so let's not have sex"
How dare you victim blame someone. How utterly disgusting.
You may as well be saying " you wore that outfit and you know how some men can't control themselves, maybe you should have worn trousers".

This sort of thinking is what makes women blame themselves when they have done NO wrong.

Edited as I was so angry I didn't word it correctly

hehehesorry · 01/04/2025 00:19

INeedAnotherName · 31/03/2025 23:18

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-57618003

Other news outlets cover stealth rape if you google that term.

God that's insulting to women who have actually been stealth raped with valid reasons for wanting a condom vs a man you share your bed with and like enough to be in a relationship with not gloving up before he has sex with you. Unless there's a drip feed where the OP is too scared to say to said partner "Wear a condom or we're not doing anything", but I imagine she would have mentioned that. Things like this are insulting to survivors of sexual assault.

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 00:20

Whimsicalgrape · 01/04/2025 00:13

I just don't think it helps when we're constantly changing and watering down what 'rape' is. It'll only lead to women being disbelieved and met with raised eyebrows of "so were you raped or where you raped?"

Doesn't matter what you think, it's sexual assault. Full stop.

I expect it's really helpful for the op to get group think on here isn't it ? Let her believe she's a rape victim, her partner (who's by her own admission been nothing but a loving partner with no abusive tendencies) is a rapist.

So then she'll be a victim if she doesn't immediately break up with him won't she ? So well done for Mumsnet groupthink. Another otherwise healthy relationship torn apart by blanket black and white thinking.

If this was part of a wider 'drip drip' (no pun intended I can assure you) boundary pushing/psychological/emotional abuse pattern , I'd second you on thinking this was possibly a sexual assault.

But as it stands, in the context, I think he got over excited and orgasmed. Context is everything.

I think it'd be an insult to the service of 'rape crisis ' hotline to ring them under these circumstances. I'm sorry but someone has to offer a balance here.

Whimsicalgrape · 01/04/2025 00:22

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 00:20

I expect it's really helpful for the op to get group think on here isn't it ? Let her believe she's a rape victim, her partner (who's by her own admission been nothing but a loving partner with no abusive tendencies) is a rapist.

So then she'll be a victim if she doesn't immediately break up with him won't she ? So well done for Mumsnet groupthink. Another otherwise healthy relationship torn apart by blanket black and white thinking.

If this was part of a wider 'drip drip' (no pun intended I can assure you) boundary pushing/psychological/emotional abuse pattern , I'd second you on thinking this was possibly a sexual assault.

But as it stands, in the context, I think he got over excited and orgasmed. Context is everything.

I think it'd be an insult to the service of 'rape crisis ' hotline to ring them under these circumstances. I'm sorry but someone has to offer a balance here.

Show quote history

Well I'm glad you're not OPs confidante.

SquashedMallow · 01/04/2025 00:23

hehehesorry · 01/04/2025 00:19

God that's insulting to women who have actually been stealth raped with valid reasons for wanting a condom vs a man you share your bed with and like enough to be in a relationship with not gloving up before he has sex with you. Unless there's a drip feed where the OP is too scared to say to said partner "Wear a condom or we're not doing anything", but I imagine she would have mentioned that. Things like this are insulting to survivors of sexual assault.

Show quote history

Well bloody said !