Have I been SA’d?

[MyTealBee]

I’ve spoken to a couple of people about this but wanted to get a wider opinion on the matter. Maybe around 8months-year ago my partner didn’t pull out when I asked him to. On a second occasion I asked him to wear a condom and he didn’t - he didn’t pull out on this occasion either. I’m really confused as to what I feel. This wasn’t for a contraceptive reason, it was just that I didn’t want his semen inside of me on those days. We’ve spoken about and he claims he doesn’t know why he did it. Am I overthinking this or was I sexually assaulted?

And I'm glad the OPs husband isn't your son

Good point

Some of us educate our sons on how consent works. If you are told no at any stage you damn well listen.

So if my son came to me, stating he'd done something of this nature when he was explicitly told not to, then on his head be it. Because I damn well taught him better.

@SquashedMallow sound advise I was beginning to think we'd all lost grip on the realities of relationships & sex.
I think the lines are getting way to blurred now of what is apparently sexual assault & rape. It certainly isn't doing women any good in the long run; convictions are already low enough.

And you'd tell your son he was a rapist of course ? And you're so sure he raped his partner that you'd go to the police yourself wouldn't you ?

Absolutely. You have to be careful though as you get shouted down as a rape apologist- it's crazy.

Reading stuff like this is frightening.

I didn’t mean to start an argument here, I was just looking for some advice. I’m not labelling my partner as a rapist, I just wanted some advice from other women who may have experienced similar. Sorry if this has offended anyone, wasn’t my intention.

I would be telling my son that his actions are classed as rape. He acted without consent and that even if he got carried away, those are the facts. As for reporting him, I can't answer that. Simply because I don't feel that is up to me. Especially in cases of rape, whether they want to report it or not is up to the victim.

I love my son's, but there are consequences to your actions.

The OP has spoken to her partner and he claims he doesn't know why he did it. No remorse, no "I got carried away". He can't explain his actions. That doesn't sound to me like someone who thinks they were in the wrong.

What he did was not right. He should not have done it and he cannot explain why.

If he cannot respect your boundaries (especially as this wasn't just a one off) then it is absolutely sexual assault.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I do think it would be good to seek professional advice/counselling in order for you to properly talk through what happened in order to better understand your feelings about it all.

No no it's not you at all.

I know you haven't labelled your partner as a rapist. But you'll get (and have gotten ) plenty of people here sweeping the floor of any other opinions and will label him as such. And everyone else will be too sheepish to offer any balance for fear of being labelled a rape apologist or victim blamer.

This is what I would say to you: context is everything. Are there any red flags? Is your DP disrespectful to you or belittling to you in any other ways ? Do you often feel coerced into things that make you afraid, Intimidated or uncomfortable? Has he pushed boundaries with you before sexually? Coerced you into doing things you are not comfortable with ?

Or, is your relationship otherwise healthy and respectful?

If the latter - id suggest he got over excited and orgasmed. In the wider context, I wouldn't class this as sexual assault. I wouldn't believe it'd be helpful to apply this label and become a 'victim'. It can breed all sorts of problems for you and your otherwise healthy relationship. In fact it'd likely end it.

Is there a reason that this is playing on your mind 8 months later ? Has something else happened?

OP I think there has been some misunderstanding here.
I was not asking you why you felt like that.
But my advice would be that when you are feeling like that
That you don't have sex or at least not that kind of sex.
I'm sorry if i upset you.
I just feel that consideration has to be mutual in a relationship and men are not built the same way as women.

If you don't want a man to cum inside you, don't let him inside you. Ejaculation is an involuntary reflex, caused by you stimulating his penis. Expecting him to be able to stop and pull out in the heat of the moment is taking a massive gamble. Nature doesn't intend for that to happen so it's very hard to reliably control. A bit like lighting the fuse of a firework indoors and hoping to throw it out the door at the last moment.

Not using a condom when you've asked him to is another matter. Not clear if you knew he didn't put one on and you proceeded anyway though.

You should be ashamed of yourself

Then he shouldn't agree to it and decline sex!!
JFC the amount of men on this thread and their poor dicks!

Having been raped, I find this discussion really difficult to listen to. Some people adamant it is rape others adamant it isn’t and the lack of grey areas

Havong been to the police a week after I was raped and being advised “there is no evidence and it was just the two of you in the room we would not recommend proceeding with prosecution” it makes posts like this really hard to read and understand people’s thinking

It is legally rape. I have had this conversation with a criminal barrister friend of mine. If you consent to sex but only with a condom, doing it without one is rape. The same as if you originally consented to sex, but changed your mind as it was happening.

I don't know if I would go to the police about this, personally. But you'd be within your rights to.

The amount of entitled men and victim blaming on this thread is actually scary.

@MyTealBee I'm really sorry this happened to you. You gave conditional consent and he ignored that - legally, that is SA.

"valid reasons"? Men do not get to decide whether the reasons that women give for insisting on condom use are "valid" before complying. She set a boundary. That's all there is to it. If he didn't want to have protected sex, he should not have had sex with her at all because that's the condition upon which she was consenting to sex with him. It doesn't matter if she consented to unprotected sex 10,000 times in the past. Or earlier that day. Or an hour ago.

As one of eleventy billion women who has experienced sexual assault, don't you dare try and speak for me while you gaslight and minimise how violated the OP feels. Correctly labelling this as sexual assault is not the least bit insulting to me.

Fucking hell it's like some of you are from the 50s.

Well said @Fargo79.

Hope these lot never have daughters. Or sons.

So you're going with "he got overexcited and orgasmed" to excuse the first occasion where she told him not to ejaculate inside her and he just did it anyway. What's your excuse for his behaviour on the second occasion, where OP (knowing he couldn't be trusted to pull out) asked him to use a condom and he didn't?

It doesn't matter what opinions are on this thread. The law states it would be classed as sexual assault and likely rape. The law cares not a jot whether it was overexcitement or whatever else.

OP, you haven't offended anyone. You posed a question and you feel how you feel. You feel violated by someone you thought you could trust with you and your body. I hope you can get some kind of help.

Ariellaxo I feel a bit concerned for you - you are getting piled on but I suspect your viewpoint was developed after your own sexual assault. As a neurodiverse woman looking back on my own history of being sexual assault a number of times - it appears my lack of social skills were taken advantage of. I was often put in a position where I had said no several times but they did not stop - I would rationalise it as well it wasn't rape because I knew the men and these incidents weren't violent... they had just ignored me saying no with a smile on their faces and pleasant tones in their voices. Sometimes it was difficult because it could be they have started a position I was not comfortable with or indeed hurt - being assertive when a person larger than you is in a dominant position is tricky. Add to that a lack of social skills and you are wondering how asserting yourself is going to impact your relationship - its only as an older woman I realised that if they were doing this to me I should have ended the relationship anyway.

But I have since learnt no means no and anything after that is sexual assault. I hope you can come to this placed too.

These threads always descend into an argument about legality making the OP whose boundaries have been stomped all over and feels violated feeling even worse rather than supporting her in finding her voice and telling her boyfriend what he did wasn’t ok, it has upset her and to decide where she wants to go from there with the relationship

"Getting carried away" when she specifically said no to something. Are you OK?

I find some of the comments on this thread truly amazing.

I'm older generation and we had not much in the way of sex education at school . It was an all girls school. We were told boys were easily excited sexually and as girls we had to be careful how we behaved because once they were aroused it was hard for them to stop. It's unbelievable that almost 55 years later some posters are coming out with similar excuses for OP' s partner.

I thought we now accepted " no means no" when it comes to consent? But apparently some people really see this as a grey area.

OP did not consent to the sexual acts her partner performed in her body. So it was rape.

Unfortunately I agree reporting it to the police would be pointless but I would end a relationship with a man who knew I had not consented to a sexual act but went ahead anyway.