Have I been SA’d?

[MyTealBee]

I’ve spoken to a couple of people about this but wanted to get a wider opinion on the matter. Maybe around 8months-year ago my partner didn’t pull out when I asked him to. On a second occasion I asked him to wear a condom and he didn’t - he didn’t pull out on this occasion either. I’m really confused as to what I feel. This wasn’t for a contraceptive reason, it was just that I didn’t want his semen inside of me on those days. We’ve spoken about and he claims he doesn’t know why he did it. Am I overthinking this or was I sexually assaulted?

I disagree with this being a sexual assault. Especially going on this explanation.
In a relationship with regular sex - that I presume normally does not involve condoms - what you describe is a whim. Sex is messy, and it's not anyone's fault. If you didn't feel like having the mess - you should not have had sex.

It's fair enough to insist on condoms - if it's a regular thing. But - not using them usually - (as you post sounds) - and then on one day deciding that you don't want the mess... sounds odd. To me, it'd sound like all of a sound you found me repulsive. And I am a woman. I don't know what a man would feel.

In any case - he was not trying to get you pregnant without your consent. It is not sexual assault, not on the facts you describe.
But something is going on in your relationship - something about how you feel about him, or the dynamics in your relationship is off.

So you are saying she doesn’t have the right to decide that day that she does t want to deal with the aftermath or the mess and that it isn’t a choice she gets to make
Presumably sex was time sensitive and she didn’t want the extra time to deal with it or the extra time needed to lubricate (because let’s face it it needs to be if a condom isn’t used) and that is her decision to make.

Sex is never the same each time

Then he's not lovely.

Someone who spends his entire life being saintly and then murders someone is still a murderer.

Just like someone who is always lovely and then doesn't remove his dick when told to is a rapist.

It's about consent.

If you consent to penetration, but not to ejaculation, and the guy knows that, then it's his job to stay within the bounds of what his partner agreed to.

In the same way, if he agreed to having a finger up his arse and she decided to stick a massive dildo in there instead, she'd be violating his consent.

You have to be able to trust your sexual partner to heed your boundaries and not do whatever they feel like to your body.

I cannot believe the hideousness of your post. The withdrawal method may not be a foolproof method of contraception, but it does reduce the risk of pregnancy and can be effective. Men do have that level of control. OP's partner just didn't want to withdraw. A woman can say no to any sort of sexual contact at any time, even in the middle of intercourse. It's absolutely not unfair.

🙄

@Frostynoman posted the "Sex is Like a Cup of Tea" video about consent. Everyone really needs to watch it. What is fun and enjoyable sexually for a person can change from day to day, and that is ok. BOTH partners should experience a pleasant time.

It sounds far more odd that you think a man has the overriding say on this. It's HER body.

Ultimately, @MyTealBee , perhaps you can have a good discussion about this with your partner and come to a better understanding of each other. He may be a lovely man. But you will only know this when you observe his behaviour in times of disagreement and at times when your needs oppose. And through the discussions you have with him about those times. Everyone is lovely when everything is going well and your needs align.

OP hasn't accused her partner of rape but she has said that she felt violated and can't stop thinking about it. She also has no intention of reporting him but came here for some support.

It wasn't rape, but he carried on with a sexual act after being told to stop. Any sex that continues after your partner has said no is non-consenual and could be construed as sexual assault.

You sound like the sort of person that would only consider it rape if it was violent, committed by a complete stranger and the OP was seriously hurt because she tried to fight off her attacker.

Exactly, rape is not just committed by strangers.

That is why marital rape is illegal.

Wow 🤯

It's totally valid. You asked him to stop and he judged that coming inside you was what he wanted to do, so he did it. And now you feel violated. He did violate your bodily autonomy. It is perfectly ok to feel awful about it OP.

This is an utterly disgusting comment.

The context is simple. She had a clear boundary which she expressed to him. He completely ignored it. When she tried to address it with him afterwards, he dismissed her. That’s sexual assault. And from what I gather, it’s happened more than once.

What this person wrote was untrue. As was the rest of it. Hence why it was reported and deleted.

You have now taken this misinformation and continued the attack, calling me a man. Reported. Think twice before you believe everything someone writes. If you read back my posts and that person's, you will see exactly what I have said and what I haven't

You're a victim of wrong think. Hth

You requested that your partner NOT do something sexually, and he did it anyway, twice. You need to throw this one back, and consider reporting him to the police. He could have given you an unwanted pregnancy, or an STD, and importantly, what else might he choose to not hear next when you say "no" to something sexually? If you say you don't want to be choked, but he does it anyway? You cannot trust this man ever again.

I love how @SquashedMallow is minimising something as serious as sexual assault but is reporting all and sundry who dared to disagree with his/her horrendous stance. The double standard is palpable. There are none so blind as those who cannot see.