Have I been SA’d?

[MyTealBee]

I’ve spoken to a couple of people about this but wanted to get a wider opinion on the matter. Maybe around 8months-year ago my partner didn’t pull out when I asked him to. On a second occasion I asked him to wear a condom and he didn’t - he didn’t pull out on this occasion either. I’m really confused as to what I feel. This wasn’t for a contraceptive reason, it was just that I didn’t want his semen inside of me on those days. We’ve spoken about and he claims he doesn’t know why he did it. Am I overthinking this or was I sexually assaulted?

WTF? Do you know what consent it?

Utter bullshit. A man not wearing a condom when the woman has asked him to is rape under the law. I'm sorry you feel that's so unfair on the poor menz, because it should be up to them, and women shouldnt get a say, but there we are.

Someone at last talking sense ,

sounds wrong to me op

try watching I May destroy you

I feel the same way.

OP, your boundaries were violated by the person you should be able to trust the most. If it had happened once, I could buy the "got carried away" argument. But twice? I don't know...

I personally would have to have a serious conversation with him and make sure he fully understands what he's done. Sex is murky territory, sometimes, and we women carry so much pain and baggage around accepting (let alone asserting) that we have the natural right to our own boundaries... So it may have been a misunderstanding, I guess?

But, as pp says: trust your own gutand what you feel about it. I believe we instinctively know the difference between bad/uncomfortable sex and a violation of our boundaries.

This.
Must be confusing that sometimes you want a condom and other times not / sounds like a control thing.
If you aren’t on the same page in communication just leave him -don’t try to categorize the poor guy as a rapist 😡

Didn't you know you could call the rape crisis team for any form of sexual assault. That's why I posted the link. So OP can get support for how she feels. She won't have to "sit in meetings". It's a confidential line.

At the end of the day, it's about supporting the OP here. Don't try and put her off getting the support she needs because you think it makes a mockery of anything. Her feelings are valid. End of.

To all the bullshit MRA posters.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/

Rape crisis states this is rape, so perhaps take it up with them.

Op I'm sorry you've been through this. I hope you're okay. Ignore these twats.

This. Or got carried away so he had to finish despite her saying stop? All men I've been with have only done what I've asked or agreed to. Just as I've done what they've agreed to and stopped if they said they didn't want that. It's a bare mimimum of having a sexual encounter, let alone a relationship.

If you honestly think that is balanced advice , there's no reasoning with you Is there ?

There's women that man those phones that have been dragged in a park at night and left for dead after being raped by a stranger.

There's women that are in controlling and abusive marriages or relationships that have been sexually degraded and humiliated and coerced into sex they do not want and felt they couldn't say no to due to fear.

A woman who sometimes wants her partners semen in her, and sometimes doesn't (because of the mess ) found her got overexcited and ejaculated on one of the days where he wasn't meant to - called that hotline, it's a fucking insult. All so you can be smug about blatant application of a law. Wider context is literally everything.

Now, if we changed some details. Say the ops partner had form for passive aggressive behaviour. Subtle little red flags all over the place , she wasn't on birth control, and he came inside her despite it being explicitly clear that their relationship always requires condoms during sex because it's their method of birth control, those details change the context significantly.

Well OP clearly posted because in her own words she feels violated. So what do you suggest, she just ignores it?

Or should she speak to people who are equipped to deal with this stuff like I suggested?

You can't just tell her to get over it because you don't view it as she does.

I think you are being perfectly reasonable in your replies.

I do feel that we need another framework besides the legalist one to be able to talk about sexual relationships. I think her partner could have perfectly done morally wrong and she would be justified to end the relationship (not that she needs any excuse to do so), and at the same time this not making him a hopeless rapist.

I'm sorry, OP, for the confusion this discussion has caused you. In the end, the only thing that must matter to you is what your body tells you 🙏💐

Where the hell did I say she should just "get over it?" So much black and white thinking here !!!

She may well feel violated. That's valid. Of course it is. But in the context of an otherwise healthy loving relationship - you know what the first normal port of call would be ? Talk to your partner about it! Not call a fucking rape crisis line !!!

No it really isn’t - it is legitimising any form of assault/abuse.

Too often we see it was just a tiny push it wasn’t that bad it wasn’t as if he punched me and that is an insulting and awful attitude for others to perpetuate

there is a line that should not be crossed and he crossed it. In someways this is just as insidious because he has done so in a way that actually means people have sympathy for him that he couldn’t control himself.

which is of course utter nonsense - he knew her boundaries and he chose to ignore them which is often a stepping stone to pushing the line even further.

because once the line is crossed it tells you exactly where the other persons thought process is and that it won’t be long before the line is pushed even further.

and before long unless the OP addresses it she could very well be in that controlling and abusive relationship.

if seeking support from those whose journey started with just a push or ignoring a simple sounded boundary helps one woman leave the relationship before it gets worse (because there is every chance it will) isn’t that better. Isn’t it worth it for one woman to be able to say I feel violated you pushed my boundaries and it is assault better than the alternative

She has and as far as I can tell his dismissed it said he didn’t know why and it wasn’t a big deal

This thread is bleak as. In the eyes of the law you were raped.
This almost exact same situation has happened to me and processing it was very painful. You have been violated and wishes about your body ignored.
I split up with my partner over a multitude of things, including this.
The media presents rape as very violent and often involving abduction and murder. But there are different contexts to rape and you experienced it in a context that is meant to be a safe space and ended up not being so. You have my full sympathy and I can totally understand why you are confused xx

It is sexual assault.

It is the sad fact of sex , that men have all the physical power.

So if we say no to something, they can just do it anyway.

They often don't care and they think of their pleasure. Which is what he did.

Do you think it's worth staying with him?

He gave a very honest answer. But he'll be convicted for that on here won't he ?

Abusive men do not tend to do that. A pre planned act of malicious intention designed to cross boundaries will usually have a response such as "you never said anything at the time did you?" "I don't remember having that conversation" "well you were up for it!" "You're all mixed messages you are aren't you ?"

You wouldn't tend to get a "I don't know " context. Context.context

I think people will have quite different opinions on this because it is a bit of an unusual situation? The pulling out request I can understand might be difficult for a man although I still think he should have followed her preferences if he cares about her. There should at least be a discussion about it from his side, it sounds like he deliberately didn’t want to hear her, her reasons etc. Did he weigh up the difficulty in pulling out, his diminished pleasure versus her reasons and judged that it wasn’t a valid enough request? It wasn’t for him to make that consideration and decision without her though was it? They should have talked, before or after. The condom aspect is more black and white in my opinion. She asked him to wear a condom. He did what next? We don’t have all the details, Did he pretend he hadn’t heard her request? Did he reach out to the bedside table and open the drawer and pretend to get one? What actually happened? What was said after when the OP realized he hadn’t used one? There should have been a conversation. Sometimes we might think our partner doesn’t have a “valid “ request because we don’t see it from their point of view, but we might compromise anyway, because that’s what you do in a relationship. You weigh up the preferences of the other person against your own constantly. That’s part of love, isn’t it?

If it happened Once, I could perhaps chalk it up to miss hearing / understanding / forgetting maybe … very generous giving benefit of the doubt

after that I’d be certain I need to break up

Very good points, yes.