Did he lie about the snip to stop using condoms?!

[Unbelievable27]

I'm fuming.

So I've been seeing this guy casually for a bit. We started off using protection, but he kept complaining about it and wanted to do it without. I held my own for a while, told him I was on no contraception (trying to get my hormones to sync naturally after years of the pill) but he said he will get an STD test done for me and that's when I'm sure he said he had the snip also!!

Anyway a bit of time went on, and after a few drinks one night, I gave in.

From there it has seemed we had already broke that boundary so we carried on unprotected, me convinced it's safe because he's had the snip and I also get myself checked.

Anyway fast forward and I find myself PREGNANT.

I tell him about being late on and my worries of falling pregnant (him still unaware of the pregnancy), so I ask him to confirm if he has had the snip. He tells me that's he's been circumsied and not the snip and perhaps I got confused and to just go and take the morning after pill.

Considering it's been months of unprotected sex, it's a bit late to be suggesting that now and why wasn't he worried of this consequence. I also wouldn't be allowing this if I thought there was a risk of pregnancy.

I'm just in shock and confused because all this time I thought he had the snip and now I'm being told otherwise. I wouldn't just make this up in my head but that's basically what he's telling me.

I don't know what exactly I'm looking for on here - perhaps confirmation that this isn't just something I would make up?! Why was I so sure he had the snip? He must have told me but I'm doubting my own mind now.

As someone has been raped, no it is not rape.

I believe that consent must be rusiastic and informed.

here needs to be informed consent - you can't consent if the facts are hidden from you or lied about.

People deserve to know what they are entering into.

I don't think women should be able to lie about being on the pill either because just like 'the snip' it

The problem with your ill-considered suggestion is that women can be on the Pill but still get pregnant because the Pill can fail. If he then complains to the police that she's committed a section 4 offence against him by lying about being on the Pill and invalidating her consent, how does she prove that she was actually taking it?

Laws have to be enforceable with minimal risk of falsely convicting the innocent, otherwise they are bad laws that hurt innocent people.

Exactly and the only way of proving a woman lied about taking the pill or a man lied about a vasectomy is if that person put it in writing or there was a recorded conversation. Otherwise it's just one word against the other. In OPs case I think it's a case of get to know who your sleeping with first to minimise the risks.

Not to give him any credit as I do believe he’s gaslighting you, but to play devils advocate, some people believe that being circumcised reduces the risk of passing on STDs.

Could that have been what he was alluding to by talking about ‘snipping’ his foreskin in regards to STDs?

I still think he was trying to hoodwink you and if you haven’t seen evidence of his STD status you definitely need to get checked but I’m just wondering if some confusion could have come in from that.

He should have been clearer and realised that he wasn’t taking any responsibility for preventing pregnancy, even if he believed his risk of passing on or catching anything was lower.

Been quiet as I've been trying to process it all. It's a lot to take in to feel he's been purposely deceitful - purley to benefit his pleasure only.

I haven't spoken to him since and I'm trying to decide what to do regarding the pregnancy.

I know I shouldn't ask MNetters what to do but it's not as easy decision as I thought it would be. I don't particularly think I should bring a baby into these circumstances but the alternative seems something just as hard to go through. Either way I'm not telling him, I don't want want a man to try and take control over my choices.

In future I've learned that anyone to try and get me to risk my sexual health isn't a person I should take to bed!! It's showing such lack of respect over my body and in the case of saying they've had a vasectomy I need to do my due diligence to check this. Obviously all a bit late now.

A termination will be a few days out of your life. Producing a human with a shitty person for a father could have ramifications for the next hundred years.

Wow, I’m sorry you’re going through this. what an absolute bastard! I would definitely consider reporting this, he’s basically made you pregnant against your will.

Wrt telling him, I guess your trust is now undermined and so in your shoes I wouldn’t want to either continue in the relationship or have him as a coparent. I suppose that would lead me towards ending the pregnancy. However, if you want the baby, you could choose to go it alone and (I guess?) pursue child maintenance later on. He doesn’t have to be on the birth certificate as far as I know.

I would be considering very strongly that it was his intention to get you pregnant and base your decision on whether you would be happy with a man who made choices for you remaining in your life for at least 18 years.

The fact he has tried to downplay this as a misunderstanding on your part gives me the feeling he had every intent on gaslighting you from the start, and the possibility of this being an intentional act feels very high to me.

Abusers often ramp up their controlling, manipulative ways during pregnancy and after birth and he is already a walking red flag.

They arent in a relationship though, just seeing each other casually

I think that his intention was 'yaaay, I get to have sex without a condom!' rather than 'I'm going to get you pregnant'.

It's possible he's done it before and morning after pills were an easy (for him) option (I was throwing up all day after I took mine).

@Unbelievable27

How many weeks do you think you are, OP?

I would go to see the GP as soon as you can, to be honest.

Find out what all your options are.

GP said I'm about 7 weeks judging by my last period. So it's early days.

And if I decide to go ahead with the pregnancy (although right now I'm more on the other side), I don't want to tell him in the sense that no way I want this person to have any more control over my life. I'd rather miss out on CSA than have someone like this around.

And I agree with PP in that I believe the aim was about sex without a condom than getting pregnant. I'm sure he'd want me to "sort it out" if he found out.

It would be interesting to see if he would use the word "just". Seems to be a common theme with men like this. "Just" take the MAP. "Just" have an abortion......

Funny how he can say that but not "just" actually get the vasectomy he claims to have had.

This early on, you can take medication to end the pregnancy. Some women find this easier than surgical abortion.

I'm sure he'd want me to "sort it out" if he found out.

I hate men like this. It would be fitting comeuppance if you were to send him a pic of a positive pregnancy test and "inadvertently" let him believe that you were keeping it. He doesn't care about how abortion is unpleasant for you, well let him sweat for seven months waiting for a letter from CSA.

I could never be with a man like that again. I’d not want a life time of dealing with a lying shit bag either and co parenting.

Op, if you're going to go for a termination; I'd say the sooner, the better.

Especially if it's a medical/pills one.

@Unbelievable27 i do think you should o seriously consider not going ahead with the pregnancy.
You will have the rest of your life tied to This scumbag otherwise if he finds out.
It’d doesn’t seem like you were planning a baby any time soon and certainly not in this way z

I don’t know why this is even a question. Hundreds of millions of embryos are shed every year at this stage via miscarriage. They are not babies; they are byproducts of a bodily function. Under some circumstances but not all, they eventually turn into humans, but our bodies and species were not designed to take every fertilized egg to fruition.

Sometimes our bodies decide to abort because conditions aren’t right and sometimes our minds decide to abort because conditions aren’t right. All of which is fine and good for our species.

Get it done, move on with your life and always insist on condoms from now on.

I know I can't even believe I'm considering carrying on with the pregnancy. Logically everything is saying no. But there's a part of me that would like another baby one day and I'm now thinking this is my chance argh.

@Unbelievable27

How old are you? Apologies if you have already said this earlier.

I'm 27 , one 5 year old already

@Unbelievable27

If you are 27 now, I would imagine that there will be other chances to have another child; those chances are also likely to be in much better circumstances and with a man who is reliable and supportive.

If he lied about having had a vasectomy, that's rape.

"We can have unprotected sex because I've been circumsised," Said no one, ever.

Yeah I know I should have plenty of time really. I guess I quite like this age gap and I'm a bit scarred from men that I'm happy going in single! Perhaps I just haven't found the right one where I would appreciate that support rather than finding it a hindrance.