Leaving DH to get a break or stick it out? Going a bit mad!

[arealliveknight]

Hopefully this won’t be ridiculously long.

DH and I have two children, aged four and coming up for two (twenty months.) He works full time and is usually away Tuesday morning to Thursday night, but he is sometimes away all week. I work three days a week. I’m a teacher so I do have some work outside of school as well.

I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times and nothing changes. Now spring is coming he decides essential jobs need doing around the house. I honestly don’t know anyone else with this age of children who takes them out solo as much as me at weekends. If I go through last weekend for example, we all went out for the day on Saturday as I’d won tickets to a lambing event at the local farm. Then on Sunday he did take DS to a sports class he did but I had DD all morning. This invariably happens when we divide and conquer: he gets DS who is four and pretty easy and I get DD, who just by her age is much harder work, then home for lunch and then I took them out for the afternoon. We were about from one o clock until about twenty to four so nearly four hours. However, it’s still not enough so I’m left to bath them and get them into bed solo. Finally do this, get downstairs about half seven and I start clearing up (I know people will say not to but you do have to sometimes and I hate mess) and then have to start marking some books and planning some lessons for the next day.

If this was a one off OK, but it isn’t, it’s how things are. Last weekend I had DD all morning and took her to Costco and then I took them to a party in the afternoon. Then Sunday again I had DD in the morning while DH had DS and in the afternoon took them on a nature walk the local wildlife trust organised. Weekend before that I had them all day Saturday and all day Sunday, to a farm on Saturday and then on Sunday to a park and to feed the ducks then for new shoes. I won’t go on, I’m sure everyone gets the picture. That’s on top of the fact I do all the cooking, washing, nursery runs and pretty much everything child related.

It is grindingly relentless. DD woke twice last night and I’ve got them all day today and it’s wet. I’ll probably take them out to soft play or something but it’s still a long day.

I know people will say to talk to DH and I’ve tried, so many times. It’s impossible; you don’t get anywhere. He focuses on the minutiae of the situation rather than the bigger picture (‘yeah well the grass really needed mowing and that hedge was out of control’) rather than the bigger picture. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to be honest.

So - do I stick it out? Or do I say sod it. I know that’s only a question I can answer. I keep thinking things will be easier in a few months; DS will be at school. The two years after that DD starts and maybe things will get better. But I’ll still have them all school holidays and all weekend and all the time, no break. I love them, I don’t not want them here but I have absolutely no time for me at all. Any free time I do get when they’re in bed I just spend charging around doing jobs or school work.

DH isn’t a bad man although I get I haven’t sold him here. He is lazy and a bit selfish. But day to day we get on well; he does love the children and they love him. I don’t want that to change. But something has to, I’m just not sure what.

He definitely needs to be doing more with dd and ds... Together.. Dd could have gone on the walk.

You need to be putting some things of your own in The Diary....

DD did go on the walk. I took them both.

But that’s not really what I’m about here. I can put things in the diary and I can say this needs to change. The point is it doesn’t. I am at the point where I accept this is how it is and try to stick it out to a point where the children’s ages make it bearable. Or I end things.

Next weekend pick a day.. Get up and go out. Tell him it's your turn for a break.. He is too used to you planning for everyone.. Default parent no more op.

What would happen if you said you would cut the grass and trim the hedges while he looked after the DC?

Thank you for answering but this is not the point of my post and this is the second time I’ve said this. I know that sounds so much more arsey than I mean it to but this is not something solved by vanishing for a day at weekends.

Then he’d find something else to do. That was just illustrative; the tasks are infinite and no amount of time is ever sufficient in which to do them.

It sounds like you’re doing an awful lot - kids don’t need to be entertained 24/7 - a few quiet weekends might make you feel less haggard.

That being said if you need more from your husband then he absolutely needs to step up. Can you go and stay with your mum / a friend alone for a weekend? Make him see just how much goes into everything running smoothly?

Have you already posted about this recently? If not there's a very similar thread I can point you towards that might be helpful.

I think so @Werthering . But I wasn’t actually talking about leaving on that one, I don’t think, unless you’re thinking of a different one.

@babasaclover maybe it wasn’t clear but I take them out so DH can get on with whatever he needs to. But either way to be honest I’d rather them out of the house at least some of the time, it’s easier for everyone at this age I think.

I think this is just how it is when you have 2 children the ages you have and you just have to grit your teeth and try to get through it. You said yourself you think it might get easier when your 4 year old starts school. The relentless list of jobs tbh never ends. I can relate though: my dh decided to strip a car engine, clean it (in the kitchen!) and put it back together for the first nine months of ds2's life. Yeah, he didn't win the parent of the year award that year.

@SantaToSSD i guess. I just don’t know anyone else (in a relationship that is) who has the children alone as much as me. It makes me feel like I’m taken for a mug really. I think I know it’s relentless and never ending but I guess I expected DH to be in it with me rather than living in a sort of parallel world where he can do what he likes when he likes while I struggle!

I came in thinking this was an instance of the story as old as time (man doesn't pull his weight, woman asks how she can get him to do so - spoiler, she can't). Actually I think this might be a bit different. Of him you say:

the tasks are infinite and no amount of time is ever sufficient in which to do them

and of yourself you say

Any free time I do get when they’re in bed I just spend charging around doing jobs or school work

Those are pretty similar, really, but you're looking at your time-filling as essential and at his as annoying child-avoidance, or something. You're resisting planning something for yourself at a weekend maybe because it isn't what you want - what you want is a life in which you regularly get time to just hang around at home with nothing in particular to do? It's interesting how your posts aren't that explicit about what exactly it is that you want your DH to change and how it will help.

Maybe the thing is: time to relax is a state of mind - leaving your husband wouldn't give it to you (even if he had them EOW, without a mindset change you'd find the jobs piled up so that you were constantly busy the whole time the kids were out of the house). How do you envisage school holidays being easier if you were single? A full-time working dad isn't going to take them much of that time (I know, it'll be his responsibility - but be realistic, at best he'll pay for holiday clubs and you'll have to get them there and back - a choice you can equally well make without leaving him, if you don't want to leave him.)

So what could you do, concretely? You could maybe arrange that he take both kids out to something next weekend - but if you just spent the time they were out on house/work, then you'd both have lost, so only do that if you can really promise both of you that you will use the time relaxing and recharging. Better, I think, to work on getting used to all being at home, not busy, not entertaining the kids. It may take the kids some time to get used to not being entertained, but how about you arrange with him that next Saturday, or whatever, he needs to be around in case the kids need him, i.e. not do a job he can't drop at a moment's notice, and then you relax, don't do housework or work, and if the kids need someone tell them to go and find their father? You might find this very hard to do, but it might be worth practising?

@aliceForgets i was being a bit sarcastic (aimed at DH) with the infinite comment. I’ve no idea how extensive these tasks are. He says they are; who am I to say otherwise.

But DH gets a full nights sleep every night. DH can get on with these essential tasks uninterrupted while I take the children out, while I have to do them once the children are in bed. DH can get on with these tasks knowing someone else is looking after the children and cooking their dinner and bathing them and taking them to nursery. So I don’t think we’re the same

I don’t personally think a visit to the farm and a walk is a crazily busy weekend but obviously MN is a bit different to me in this regard, I have a twenty month old. With the best will in the world she isn’t going to entertain herself for long.

It doesn't seem crazily busy to me either, but you seem to be finding it stressful.

What is it that you want to change? Concretely, what would you like next weekend to look like? What happens if you try to make it so?

I had this. I left. It reduced the amount of work I had to do, and a lot of the frustration. And all those jobs ex DP had to do, some I do, some I ignore and some I pay other people to do. And I am much, much happier.

can you put the kids in child care for an extra day? Just to give you breathing space?

@aliceForgets then I guess you just don’t understand. I’ve got the children 24/7 with no help, and it’s stressful yes.

I can’t afford it @WannabeMathematician otherwise maybe. Except I sort of feel they shouldn’t have to do that because their dad is obsessed with ensuring the garage is clean.

@Bearsinmotion thanks. It really is so frustrating, when Saturday rolls round and you know you’ve got to carry the load.

To be brutally honest if you leave him it sounds like you’ll have even more responsibilities then you do now. the years when they are young are hard and I don’t think tag teaming is uncommon. I think some people find it hard to engage with a 2 year old versus an older child.
sorry I don’t have any magic answers but I do think it’s worth you reflecting what good looks like to you eg 3 evenings a week he does bedtimes, you do 4 etc

@arealliveknight I think I get how you are feeling. You are sort of staying afloat and utilising every hour of the day to fulfill your role as a parent and working adult and gets it all done somehow but whilst you are doing that your DH gets to focus on less important aspects of life but makes it feel like they are just as essential so he can't possible juggle that with also looking after his kids.

I have a friend who is in a similar position where she does all the cooking, cleaning, washing, childcare etc whilst her husband can spend an entire weekend, for example, researching savings accounts and tax breaks but still thinks he's contributing just as much. In reality, they are in the most challenging part of their lives with small kids and saving an additional 0.3% per year is not a priority, but getting the kitchen floor clean of spilled juice is. In the same way a slightly overgrown lawn isn't a priority for you right now.

I think he would have them at the least every other weekend. But I guess even if he didn’t I’d know where I stood. He’s away now and it’s easier because I know where I stand. When I’m struggling and he’s whistling as he wanders in and out with a toolbox it’s when I want to commit murder.

On the other hand I do keep thinking things might be easier in a few years. I hope so.

@Snoken that is exactly it, I think your friend and I would get on!

I think you need to come up with some kind of reasonable policy/strategy he will agree to, rather than addressing each issue piecemeal as it arises. Eg. Agreeing on one family activity each weekend, plus a day when you take it in turns, as well as developing some clarity around deprioritising chores and DIY, so that he can’t use them as excuses. Once it’s in black and white and looks reasonable, you can go from there. He will then have to actually tell you he doesn’t want to do it, and you can decide what to do. Or it could be a huge success!

Why aren’t you doing more as a whole family? Far too many separate activities IMO.

Raising kids is hard, it is relentless and largely thankless. Maintaining a home is also relentless and definitely thankless. I think you need to just talk through a distribution of jobs in and out of the home that makes you happier. Crap like sorting the garage, gardening and DIY does need doing or it will just become a massive issue, so look at divvying things up in a way you prefer.

But he won’t @ClaredeBear . That’s why I’m here - it’s put up or shut up (leave.) I have tried to raise this, tried to address it. But he won’t hear it. In his mind, he is a totally equal parent because he spends the weekends working too.