Leaving DH to get a break or stick it out? Going a bit mad!

[arealliveknight]

Hopefully this won’t be ridiculously long.

DH and I have two children, aged four and coming up for two (twenty months.) He works full time and is usually away Tuesday morning to Thursday night, but he is sometimes away all week. I work three days a week. I’m a teacher so I do have some work outside of school as well.

I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times and nothing changes. Now spring is coming he decides essential jobs need doing around the house. I honestly don’t know anyone else with this age of children who takes them out solo as much as me at weekends. If I go through last weekend for example, we all went out for the day on Saturday as I’d won tickets to a lambing event at the local farm. Then on Sunday he did take DS to a sports class he did but I had DD all morning. This invariably happens when we divide and conquer: he gets DS who is four and pretty easy and I get DD, who just by her age is much harder work, then home for lunch and then I took them out for the afternoon. We were about from one o clock until about twenty to four so nearly four hours. However, it’s still not enough so I’m left to bath them and get them into bed solo. Finally do this, get downstairs about half seven and I start clearing up (I know people will say not to but you do have to sometimes and I hate mess) and then have to start marking some books and planning some lessons for the next day.

If this was a one off OK, but it isn’t, it’s how things are. Last weekend I had DD all morning and took her to Costco and then I took them to a party in the afternoon. Then Sunday again I had DD in the morning while DH had DS and in the afternoon took them on a nature walk the local wildlife trust organised. Weekend before that I had them all day Saturday and all day Sunday, to a farm on Saturday and then on Sunday to a park and to feed the ducks then for new shoes. I won’t go on, I’m sure everyone gets the picture. That’s on top of the fact I do all the cooking, washing, nursery runs and pretty much everything child related.

It is grindingly relentless. DD woke twice last night and I’ve got them all day today and it’s wet. I’ll probably take them out to soft play or something but it’s still a long day.

I know people will say to talk to DH and I’ve tried, so many times. It’s impossible; you don’t get anywhere. He focuses on the minutiae of the situation rather than the bigger picture (‘yeah well the grass really needed mowing and that hedge was out of control’) rather than the bigger picture. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to be honest.

So - do I stick it out? Or do I say sod it. I know that’s only a question I can answer. I keep thinking things will be easier in a few months; DS will be at school. The two years after that DD starts and maybe things will get better. But I’ll still have them all school holidays and all weekend and all the time, no break. I love them, I don’t not want them here but I have absolutely no time for me at all. Any free time I do get when they’re in bed I just spend charging around doing jobs or school work.

DH isn’t a bad man although I get I haven’t sold him here. He is lazy and a bit selfish. But day to day we get on well; he does love the children and they love him. I don’t want that to change. But something has to, I’m just not sure what.

I think it would help you if you are alone with the kids at the weekend to stay at home. I get that you’re trying to give your children a good experience but there’s no need to be carting them to this place and that all the time. If you could have more enjoyable weekends at home it would help you. Also getting the children to entertain themselves a bit more although appreciate that it’s hard with your littlest one. For what it’s worth, the nature of my husband’s job meant that I was alone with them a lot more than you so if I’d relied on him to do bath and bed with me, they’d never have been washed! Are they difficult children OP?

I'm the other end of this, kids are 17 &19. DH has his Very Important Career and at home has Very Important Jobs. It's cost me my career and my mental health. The saddest thing is the lack of gratitude to me, for creating the space for him to achieve this.
The cherry on the cake was him thanking his parents for attending an event, not me, for getting him there over 20 years. He literally took every beer in the garden after a day of important jobs while I cooked dinner as his normal. Not thankful to me.
You are right to flag this now. You may have to use the bugger off for a day tactic to get to the long term goal of parenting together.
It shattered my long term personality. We have so much baggage hoarded, never unpacked. It leaks out in weird, disproportionate ways sometimes so I urge you to tackle it at this stage.

Have you tried telling him his priorities are wrong and you’re sick of him using piddling DIY jobs to avoid parenting his own children? Cos that’s what’s happening.

Why do you have to take them out of the house all the time? Why are you constantly having to entertain them? Why aren't you mowing the lawns trimming the bushes etc?

Yes, basically you got your anwer here.
If he is not very hands on and is not willing to change that will last untill the kids are bigger, regardless of being with him or not.
I was doing it all before my relationship ended and I'm doing all now. The difference is that now I'm happier because I don't see a grown up making excuses and not wanting to parent their kids or telling me bullshit of why he is not willing to do stuff.
The weight lifted once I did not see his dirty pants around any longer was priceless, in my case.
In your case, may be different and he has other good qualities.

Because the children are more important than the DIY bits and you can bet if the kids were at home, he’d wander off and do something more interesting to him than being a parent.

Instead of planning things with the kids (which your obviously very good at btw) start scheduling some “me time” every week. Communicate this with your husband. I’ve got an appointment on Saturday 1-3 and go for a massage! You sound like you’re going above and beyond spending time and money on your children which is honestly commendable, but you can’t pour from an empty cup! Or schedule a day out for husband and children and only book them 3 tickets and say you need a day at home to catch up with your school work (obviously don’t just relax lol) then you can do the same for him the weekend after (which sounds like your already doing anyway). Try and negotiate a night away on your own once a month or quarterly eg for Mother’s Day/ birthday etc. basically use your planning skills for your own benefit girl!! Not your kids/ husbands for a change.

Sounds about normal. Men typically are not much interested in small children. Do your prep for school earlier? Why does 20 mth old need constant attention? They can play on their own whilst you do something else - I used to read a book or the newspaper, occasionally cook.
I'd tell DH to do bedtime story, however.

I think a lot of it depends if you are wanting the jobs done also. Can you swap roles and you do some of the tasks? Maybe allocate one day for fun family stuff and one for jobs. Jobs in the morning and after lunch there’s a cut off.

Having young kids is hard and you do have to divide and conquer sometimes but it does need to be fair. I find that I only have spare time in the evening and there’s little of it. I do carve out the odd spa trip and meals out to keep me sane. Maybe try that?

I would say: great, I’ll mow the law. Great: I’ll trim the hedge. My turn. I’ll quite enjoy getting out in the garden for a bit, actually. You take the kids out.

Because those jobs are not the same intensity as parenting and by far the easier of the two options.

I see this time and again on Mumsnet: Men who do typically “male” jobs like that use them as leverage in arguments about equity when these jobs tend to be weekly or less than weekly while typically female jobs are more relentless and everyday. So remove the leverage.

Also, some men act like these are major jobs that take all day and make a big song and dance about them. My DH was like that about hedge strimming. Then I did it once and was like… wow was that it? That was super quick and easy and quite fun actually. And it totally took the wind out of his sails because no way is that actually taking all morning while you’re out with the kids.

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Well in that case I would leave.

What does he actually say to you? If you woke up next Saturday and said to him ‘right, you’ve got the kids today because I’m lesson planning all morning and jet washing the patio in the afternoon’ would he just point blank refuse? What if you simply point blank refused in return when he demands the same thing of you?

Sorry, I’m just struggling to understand how this sort of set up comes about in the first place.

I don't get why you feel you have to take your kids out both days every weekend or wait until they are in bed to do all of 'your' chores. I think you are setting the bar too high and need to lower it. You also need to fully communicate exactly what it is you want. Your Husband works away, sometimes a couple of days, sometimes more, on the evenings he is home have you actually said to him "could he sort out tea or bath or bed tonight as you really need to get xyz done or could he have both kids on Saturday or Sunday for however long so you can either have a few hours peace or get out to do something on your own"? If so and he has refused then it's time to really put your foot down and tell him to step up. I do think if you said he was out doing some hobby or off with his mates down the pub and generally just doing his own thing rather than doing work around the house/garden, it would be more of a piss-take, he obviously feels they are important and its 'his' job to do those things. You could also say on Saturday WE can get all you need done around the house and get the kids involved (even a 2 year old could help say picking up hedge trimmings etc etc) but Sunday we are all having a day off either by doing/going xyz or even a lazy movie afternoon with blankets and snacks on the sofa instead of being so busy!!

@arealliveknight question: before the children can along, did he spend all of his spare time cutting hedges, mowing lawns, cleaning out the garage, all manner of typical man jobs? Or did he give himself down time/spend time with you doing fun things?

I only ask as I’m wondering if he is using those jobs to justify avoiding the hard work ie his share of raising his children?

It sounds as though he has different priorities on what needs doing. If he was sitting around demanding “me time” or being out with a hobby at weekends because he deserves it after working so hard all week, then I’d be completely in agreement with dropping him in it to let him see it, or even just leaving outright.

But what I see here is that he’s doing what he considers to be his role in the general work around the house; mowing and gardening etc. So perhaps it’s more a communication problem than the typical lazy man problem.

Would you be prepared to suggest just swapping my with him one weekend? Tell him you’re doing the lonely garden work while he does the kids?

Or even better, get the kids out helping! As soon as they could walk, my DDs would be happy to collect up hedge trimmings or hold the lawn mower cable out of the way of the mower. Even if they’re just outside looking for bugs while he mows, then you can keep an eye on them while taking a breather with a cup of coffee.

I agree he needs to be doing child entertainment, but it doesn’t sound as though he has enough of an attitude problem that he wouldn’t work on it.

I suppose you could also leave for a weekend, go stay with family or friend, write him a letter telling him things have to change and he needs to do some thinking and you’ll see him on Sunday night. Tell the kids you love them very much, you’ll be back on Sunday.

Prepare for the house to be an absolute state when you get back on Sunday of course and a hell of a lot of emotional blackmail and being treated like you’re the worst mum in the world. But worth it in my opinion if the next step is divorce.

I completely get this, OP, and I’m surprised more people don’t, as I think it’s a very common situation. DH used to do it a bit, when our eldest was a toddler, but by the time No. 2 came along he had wised up, and these days he’s proactive about taking the kids out himself at a weekend or suggesting things for us all to do together.

Parenting small children is both relentless and monotonous, and it is made infinitely easier when you can share it with somebody. It is soul-destroying, and so lonely, to spend a whole day trying to keep two very young children fed and happy and entertained while your husband potters around the back garden with his earbuds in.

It’s not just about getting solo time - although you do need this too - but about having lots of time when you are both actively interacting with the children together. Parenting within a marriage shouldn’t be a tag-team event.

I know you say you’ve spoken to him about it, but have you had a “Come to Jesus, this isn’t working and I won’t continue with it” conversation? He’s shirking his parental responsibilities, and he needs to hear that. Doing DIY all weekend is not an equal contribution to the household - it doesn’t even come close. He can’t have it both ways - if looking after small children is really easy, then it shouldn’t be a problem for him to do it while you head off solo for the day. If, on the other hand, it’s a hard and relentless job, then it’s completely unfair of him to leave it all to you.

Why dont you think about taking on some private tutoring on a Saturday? He would have to look after the children and perhaps in-between tutoring sessions you could go to a cafe and relax with a coffee. You could then even think about using that money for an extra nursery day in the week.

So he has bagsied a load of enjoyable pottering under the guise of Very Important Jobs, and OP is stuck in the groundhog day of wiping slime off surfaces, mopping the floor and being on constant high alert for a tantrum? Nice.

Posters on here sometimes say "Well, men just aren't very good at small children"...I mean, who the hell is?! I'm a woman and I certainly wasn't- it was hellish when mine were small. I also think the PPs questioning OP taking the DC out so much have forgotten that it's often easier that way. I used to be like that- now mine are a teen and late primary it's so much easier to have laid back free-form weekends at home.

I completely agree. Just be a family! How do children learn to do anything practical if their parents are always doing important adult things while they are out of the house or in bed.

I learnt to paint when I was about three and a half, because that was when DF was painting the front door. ( had a big apron though😸). Could make scones by five. It was FUN, and much better for self esteem than being entertained.

I agree that having young children out the house for some of the day is a good idea. All day at home with young kids can be torturous.

I would sit DH down and say you are breaking point. He is to get one morning or afternoon per weekend to do his jobs (max 4 hours). He is to do tea, bath and bed solo once per weekend to allow you to tidy up. You are to do go out as a family and he is to take both kids as well. And he is to stick to it otherwise you are booking counseling with a view to separation.

With the lighter nights coming he will need to use evenings when children are in bed to do any other garden chores etc.

I think you need to lay in on the line.

This 100%

Just say you're off out for the day and fooking leave him to sort them out and enjoy yourself.

You've become a married single parent @arealliveknight

I suspect it's more common than we realise. You've obviously tried talking to him and he's developed selective hearing about it. In your shoes I would be going out for a few hours at the weekend and leaving the kids with him, not to teach him a lesson, but to help you figure out if this is how you want to do things going forward (where you get child free time at the weekends when they stay with him).

I know other people have suggested staying at home and 'making' him supervise the kids, but I would imagine he's the type who would just constantly send them to find/ask you.

I think so too. I don’t understand why you’re so against this. Why do you think he won’t notice that it’s hard work to feed and care for these children for 2 days solidly? Or do you think he’d neglect them? In which case everything you’ve written about he’s not a bad man and he loves them was a lie.
I took myself away for 3 nights when my second was 9 months old, went to Paris. I walked and did a lot of just sitting and watching. It was wonderful.

I just don’t know anyone else (in a relationship that is) who has the children alone as much as me. It makes me feel like I’m taken for a mug really.

This was me, except my now ex wasn't doing home improvements he was out of his bike. Every Single Day. For hours. With a shrug and "that's just how I am, take it or leave it". I left.

This is very much my household be it slight differences. I felt very similar to you a few years ago when the children were younger and resented my husband when he was choosing to do things round the house such as diy etc and I had to occupy the children by myself. I decided to put up and stopped getting stressed by it. Easier said than done but definitely achievable. I just had to change my mindset. I tried to view it as he was trying to do things for the household be it id come home sometimes and he would be lounging. I would repeat that we both worked full time and we both worked hard and we both want nice things for our family over and over again. I am lucky that I get to spend time with the children. Sounds silly but it worked.

Also 2 and 4 year olds are savage. They are tough years even if 4 is now more of a mini human. It’s unhelpful to say things will get easier when they get older but that’s 100% the truth. Times outside the home becomes less of a chore. It’s worth sticking with it in my experience.

My son is now 11 and doesn’t want to spend as much time with me at weekends and I’m deeply heartbroken about this. My husband less so as it was never actually a big deal for him spending time with young children. He loves them very much but never saw it as an issue when I raised with him I wanted more family time.

good luck!