Leaving DH to get a break or stick it out? Going a bit mad!

[arealliveknight]

Hopefully this won’t be ridiculously long.

DH and I have two children, aged four and coming up for two (twenty months.) He works full time and is usually away Tuesday morning to Thursday night, but he is sometimes away all week. I work three days a week. I’m a teacher so I do have some work outside of school as well.

I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times and nothing changes. Now spring is coming he decides essential jobs need doing around the house. I honestly don’t know anyone else with this age of children who takes them out solo as much as me at weekends. If I go through last weekend for example, we all went out for the day on Saturday as I’d won tickets to a lambing event at the local farm. Then on Sunday he did take DS to a sports class he did but I had DD all morning. This invariably happens when we divide and conquer: he gets DS who is four and pretty easy and I get DD, who just by her age is much harder work, then home for lunch and then I took them out for the afternoon. We were about from one o clock until about twenty to four so nearly four hours. However, it’s still not enough so I’m left to bath them and get them into bed solo. Finally do this, get downstairs about half seven and I start clearing up (I know people will say not to but you do have to sometimes and I hate mess) and then have to start marking some books and planning some lessons for the next day.

If this was a one off OK, but it isn’t, it’s how things are. Last weekend I had DD all morning and took her to Costco and then I took them to a party in the afternoon. Then Sunday again I had DD in the morning while DH had DS and in the afternoon took them on a nature walk the local wildlife trust organised. Weekend before that I had them all day Saturday and all day Sunday, to a farm on Saturday and then on Sunday to a park and to feed the ducks then for new shoes. I won’t go on, I’m sure everyone gets the picture. That’s on top of the fact I do all the cooking, washing, nursery runs and pretty much everything child related.

It is grindingly relentless. DD woke twice last night and I’ve got them all day today and it’s wet. I’ll probably take them out to soft play or something but it’s still a long day.

I know people will say to talk to DH and I’ve tried, so many times. It’s impossible; you don’t get anywhere. He focuses on the minutiae of the situation rather than the bigger picture (‘yeah well the grass really needed mowing and that hedge was out of control’) rather than the bigger picture. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to be honest.

So - do I stick it out? Or do I say sod it. I know that’s only a question I can answer. I keep thinking things will be easier in a few months; DS will be at school. The two years after that DD starts and maybe things will get better. But I’ll still have them all school holidays and all weekend and all the time, no break. I love them, I don’t not want them here but I have absolutely no time for me at all. Any free time I do get when they’re in bed I just spend charging around doing jobs or school work.

DH isn’t a bad man although I get I haven’t sold him here. He is lazy and a bit selfish. But day to day we get on well; he does love the children and they love him. I don’t want that to change. But something has to, I’m just not sure what.

Thanks for the replies: I do appreciate them.

The reason I ‘can’t’ do this is simply that it wouldn’t help. I can see the thinking; I go out and DH had to do everything I normally do and is horrified at his lack of consideration and contrite and vows to do better going forward.

What would actually happen would that he’d vanish even more ‘well you did it.’

I have decided just to have zero expectations and assume I’m doing everything solo unless he says otherwise.

So that's what you've decided to do for a quiet life just now - martyr yourself. But what's your long term plan? If you're setting up a situation in which your relationship can't survive, what's the advantage in letting it continue for now?

I’m looking after my children. If that’s martyring myself then yeah. It’s preferable to neglect, isn’t it?

OP, you are worth more than this! Could he have 2 Saturdays and you have 2? What would he say?

What would happen if you told him you were sick and couldn’t look after the children one weekend? He’d have to take them and you’d be in the house so not away worrying it was being trashed.

Or could he take them to his parents for a weekend? Again you’d get some rest and not have to worry about dealing with mess and chaos after.

Honestly at the level of resentment you're at now I couldn't stay in the marriage

Look forward 10 years in both scenarios (1. You leave 2.you stay) and think what will life be like. I know you say your children have a happy, stable life now but if they grow up seeing you hate their father it's not going to stay happy.

I agree with this. And also what happens when they leave home and it’s just the two of you?

I don’t understand OP. Did you just want to come on and have a little moan? If so, that’s fine but it seems like you came on and now you’re finding reasons why no-one’s advice is possible. You’re batting everything away. I don’t see why you can’t get up on a weekend morning and go out saying, “Going out for the day for self care purposes. You’re turn to be the solo parent. Be back for tea. Have fun!” And then leave him to actually parent his own children. Why can’t you do that? Because there will be a mess to come home to? Then tell him to clean it up like you usually do when you have the kids on your own. You need to grow a backbone and tell him he’s using weaponised incompetence and you won’t stand for it any longer. He either starts pulling his weight or you and the kids are moving back into your old house, permanently. He won’t change until YOU change. It’s as simple as that. You keep saying it’s better for the children but it’s not because you’re running yourself into the ground and eventually you will snap. Either mentally or physically and then you’ll be no use to anyone, least of all your precious children. And what exactly are you modelling to them? That mums do everything and dads do nothing? That this is how your daughter should expect to be treated when she grows up? That’s this is how your son should treat his partner when he grow up? Because that’s what they are learning. You’re a teacher. You should understand how children learn experientially. What lessons do you want to teach your own children? You have somewhere else to go, there is no reason for you to stay stuck other than your own fear. So, I say, tell him to get his finger out or it’s curtains. This is not a way to live and you know it. So put your big girl pants on and take action to change it.

I don’t see why you can’t get up on a weekend morning and go out saying, “Going out for the day for self care purposes. You’re turn to be the solo parent. Be back for tea. Have fun!” And then leave him to actually parent his own children. Why can’t you do that? Because there will be a mess to come home to? Then tell him to clean it up like you usually do when you have the kids on your own.

In this scenario, why is she going out in the first place? Because her husband won't listen to her requests for help with the kids. But then he should listen to her request for tidying up the house?

@PriscillaQueen I totally agree with you that a break is a great idea just to help OP's mental state, and I have suggested that to her upthread. But I totally agree with her that just waltzing out and leaving him holding the babies would backfire massively. Once she's done it he can use that against her every time.

However, OP, I would try to schedule a break in. A planned one. Would he actually refuse a specific request with some notice? Suggest a date. Be prepared to shift it (a bit) but get it agreed and in the diary. If he outright refuses, or changes his mind, bring the debate to us and we will help you argue it! See it as a test if you like - if he actually prevents you from going then you have learned something, but you'd need to not rise to moans and some deliberate incompetence. See what's possible, and get some headspace into the bargain because it will give you more mental power for next steps.

Yes well, scheduled or whatever works for op but she has to make him take responsibility for his own children by actually leaving both children with him. And if he won’t do it, or if he has them but leaves the place a mess as weaponised incompetence, then she has to leave with the children to her other house. She has another house. It’s not like she’s stuck there with no other options. Honestly, I think she’s just too afraid to actually put her foot down and that fear means he is riding roughshod all over her. He knows he can do whatever he likes and she will just pick up the slack because she’s too afraid to leave. I will say OP that any woman I’ve ever known in your position, and sadly there’s been a few, have all said that being a single mother has been easier than living with a man who doesn’t pull his weight. They all say they have more work living with a man like this than living as a single parent. They all tell me that they are less stressed because they run their household their way and aren’t dealing with the resentment they used to have against their ex husbands. You have no peace in your home. You are resentful and rightly so. You need to put your foot down or nothing will change. Stop making excuses for why you can’t. There’s no reason why you can’t. You have a voice, you have another place to live, you have a job and it doesn’t sound like he’s violent and your afraid to leave for safety reasons. So, as I said before, sit him down and very calmly but with authority, tell him exactly what you expect him to do and if he cannot meet those expectations, then the marriage is over and you will be moving out with the children. So, have a think about what you’d like him to do and give him your list of demands. Literally give him a list once you’ve verbally told him. This might be, he has to take both children to the sports event at the weekend or he has to give you time on one weekend day to yourself by taking the children somewhere or having them at home whilst you do something for yourself like meet a friend or go for a massage, etc. Maybe you want him to do bath and bedtime routine on a Wednesday, Friday and Sunday evenings when he’s home so you can do your marking or planning and relax a bit. Maybe you’d like him to get up with the children on a Friday night if they wake during the night. Maybe you’d like him to carry out specific household tasks on some days like making dinner, cleaning the bathroom or putting away clean washing. Whatever you would like and whatever would make things easier for you, INSIST UPON IT. He will not change until you change. Why would he? He’s got a very nice life whilst you have become his free childcare, maid, cook, whatever else you provide for him. He is not a nice man at all. He knows exactly what’s happening, he knows exactly how you feel because you’ve told him many times and he simply doesn’t care because your distress provides him with an easy life and that’s more important to him. That’s not a partner. That’s not love. That’s not kind. So, stop being afraid, get some therapy on how to be more assertive if you have to but do it or your life will forever be one of distress and hardship and that is bad for you AND your children.

This post, for me, is a big shift from your OP. Originally it sounded like he was basically a good person who didn't share your priorities and preferred the tangible satisfying jobs to the relentless grind of childcare. (Because who doesn't, but he needed a wake up call.)

But if his response to you going out would be to use that as an absolutely deliberate excuse to go out more, then that sounds like a dickhead who is quite openly happy to abdicate his responsibilities and will actively avoid a fair division of labour. Which is perhaps why you've had so many responses (including mine) coming from the angle of "you just need to make him see..". Actually you sound quite confident that if he did see your work, he wouldn't care to help with it.

In which case fuck him. I'd be looking for a separation, either trial or permanent. It sounds as though you would be happier knowing that you are on your own, rather than having a theoretical support which just constantly lets you down.

I agree with this.

@PriscillaQueen I don't think it's courage that the OP lacks - it's a plan for getting her husband to listen to her and act on what she is saying, and with respect, I don't think you're providing a plan either. You've said essentially that she has to decide what she wants him to do, insist that he does it, and then leave if he doesn't. But she already said on the first page that she's said all this stuff to him many times before and he still doesn't help out, and the only way she can see to change things is to leave, which she is considering. So she has insisted, and now she's considering leaving, and she's asking if there are any other options. It's not having a little moan and it's not being afraid to face the truth. You don't really expect someone to post on here on the Tuesday and be gone by the Friday, do you?

Anyway OP I'm in a similar situation and currently reading Should I Stay or Should I Go by Lundy Bancroft and finding it quite insightful.

@Anycrispsleft has she really though? Has she said, “this is what I want and if you’re not willing to step up now I’m ending this marriage.” Or has she said that I need you help and then he’s continued to do nothing? There is a difference and that IS my plan. Either he shapes up or ships out. I think it’s touched a nerve with you because as you say, you’re in a similar position. Fear is what’s dictating the inaction on OP’s part. And I’m not saying that’s not understandable, it is but it also shouldn’t be why she lives a life she’s unhappy in or the reason she decides to stay.

OP, he is a shit father and husband.
He 100% knows what he is doing.
He completely avoids the hard graft of parenting by farting around at his leisure, doing jobs around the house and garden.
He is doing them at his pace, taking his time, he is in no rush to be with his children.
He is a very selfish man.

I know people are trying to offer solutions to make things work, but my advice is leave - it's clear you don't WANT to put up with it (I wouldn't either, FWIW). I split up from my daughter's dad for other reasons when she was 2, and I can categorically say that she's incredibly happy with two homes and parents who are friendly and co-parent.

Sorry, but that seems so defeatist. I get the impression that you are not prepared to actually challrenge this situation for some reason. Could that reason be that you don't actually want to hand any childcare control to your DH? Have you claimed care of DC as your thing quite rigidly, and excluded him, perhaps because you think him incompetent compared with you and not likely to do it your way? There is definitely some reason why you are rejecting every suggestion about involving him more. It is coming over as moaning martyrdom, tbh.

Life is too short.

If you’ve genuinely explained things to him and he won’t listen, and if by claiming more time for yourself this would backfire as you say, then to answer your original question- it seems you are out of options bar these two:

1. you suck it up, which makes for a miserable existence, or
2. you leave. I’m not sure what your financial situation is, and whether this latter option is therefore likely to be more or less miserable for you. I’m sorry OP.

How are you doing OP?
I missed this thread at the time but someone linked it in a similar thread.
You are right to be so frustrated & feel stuck with your situation. it’s no win with either option (to stay or split) not being appealing.
My ex was similar except he didn’t do the jobs just said he was busy at work and needed a break or to go to a hobby/gym. I was doing pretty much all the parenting but that was fine in his eyes as I only worked part time.
In the end he found a better deal for himself and left. He is a better parent now & has found it easier now the kids are older & he gets breaks from them. When they are with him he has his wife to help with the more boring bits of looking after kids.
Co parenting is hard & adds extra work. I’m not sure what to suggest (the choice was taken out of my hands but I don’t ever wish we were still together) but I just wanted to say that I get it and I sympathise 💐

This sounds standard to me. But then I would put myself in the minority and my husband would be the first to say this also. I just wanna be with my kids so I definitely am in the minority of modern mums.

it does sound odd that you don’t hang out as a family. Like where is the home time? Why go out all weekend. Kids misbehave when they are tired and overstimulated and it definitely sounds like this could be happening from your explanation of a typical weekend.

have you asked your husband to hang out with you and the kids in the house? If he says about the jobs and stuff again then something is going on, he is avoiding family time and you could do with asking why?