Leaving DH to get a break or stick it out? Going a bit mad!

[arealliveknight]

Hopefully this won’t be ridiculously long.

DH and I have two children, aged four and coming up for two (twenty months.) He works full time and is usually away Tuesday morning to Thursday night, but he is sometimes away all week. I work three days a week. I’m a teacher so I do have some work outside of school as well.

I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times and nothing changes. Now spring is coming he decides essential jobs need doing around the house. I honestly don’t know anyone else with this age of children who takes them out solo as much as me at weekends. If I go through last weekend for example, we all went out for the day on Saturday as I’d won tickets to a lambing event at the local farm. Then on Sunday he did take DS to a sports class he did but I had DD all morning. This invariably happens when we divide and conquer: he gets DS who is four and pretty easy and I get DD, who just by her age is much harder work, then home for lunch and then I took them out for the afternoon. We were about from one o clock until about twenty to four so nearly four hours. However, it’s still not enough so I’m left to bath them and get them into bed solo. Finally do this, get downstairs about half seven and I start clearing up (I know people will say not to but you do have to sometimes and I hate mess) and then have to start marking some books and planning some lessons for the next day.

If this was a one off OK, but it isn’t, it’s how things are. Last weekend I had DD all morning and took her to Costco and then I took them to a party in the afternoon. Then Sunday again I had DD in the morning while DH had DS and in the afternoon took them on a nature walk the local wildlife trust organised. Weekend before that I had them all day Saturday and all day Sunday, to a farm on Saturday and then on Sunday to a park and to feed the ducks then for new shoes. I won’t go on, I’m sure everyone gets the picture. That’s on top of the fact I do all the cooking, washing, nursery runs and pretty much everything child related.

It is grindingly relentless. DD woke twice last night and I’ve got them all day today and it’s wet. I’ll probably take them out to soft play or something but it’s still a long day.

I know people will say to talk to DH and I’ve tried, so many times. It’s impossible; you don’t get anywhere. He focuses on the minutiae of the situation rather than the bigger picture (‘yeah well the grass really needed mowing and that hedge was out of control’) rather than the bigger picture. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to be honest.

So - do I stick it out? Or do I say sod it. I know that’s only a question I can answer. I keep thinking things will be easier in a few months; DS will be at school. The two years after that DD starts and maybe things will get better. But I’ll still have them all school holidays and all weekend and all the time, no break. I love them, I don’t not want them here but I have absolutely no time for me at all. Any free time I do get when they’re in bed I just spend charging around doing jobs or school work.

DH isn’t a bad man although I get I haven’t sold him here. He is lazy and a bit selfish. But day to day we get on well; he does love the children and they love him. I don’t want that to change. But something has to, I’m just not sure what.

When he should be spending the weekend being a parent. Does he not get that? Or want that? He’s away half the time. He needs to understand that weekends should be parenting/spending time with the dc. He’s being very selfish. I’d say one family day out, then one at home, including an outing eg walk/supermarket, either together or you get to choose/leave him with the dc.

I completely understand your situation and was in a very similar situation recently. I actually think my situation wasn’t as bad as yours as I play netball twice a week so always had a very small amount of time to myself - but that was it. And my kids are older, which I think is a bit easier. I’m a teacher as well though, and I don’t think others realise how much work needs to be done outside of actual hours though, and how it can play on your mind (I find myself thinking on Saturday ‘I’ll need to start that marking by 7pm on Sunday or I’ll be up until midnight’).

Anyway, what changed for me was hitting breaking point. I dropped the kids off at school, and walked home in tears thinking ‘I can’t do this anymore’. I messaged my husband and said I’m miserable and I’m close to walking out the door and asking for a divorce. I know saying it in a text probably wasn’t the right thing to do, but I was broken. He came home from work and we talked. He had no idea how bad I was feeling. I told him it was like death by a thousand cuts. Every time he walked out the bedroom without making the bed, or walked past the washing basket overflowing and didn’t do anything about it, put something on the kitchen side and not in the dishwasher… I just did it all. And he thought by providing for us (he earns more than me) and sorting all the finances, that was enough. He watched tv while I put the kids to bed (he said when he tried, they always just asked for me anyway so what was the point?).

We talked a lot, and he promised he would try harder and I promised I would talk to him before I got to breaking point next time (hopefully won’t be a next time!). He has genuinely changed since that day - he helps out with loads around the house and does bed time by himself sometimes. We split chores at the weekend 50/50 so we can go out as a family and not be stressed about jobs in the house that need doing.

Basically, my advice is tell him you are close to wanting a divorce and wanting to leave. I know you said you’ve talked before and nothing changes, but does he realise how bad it is for you? My DH definitely didn’t, and when he finally did understand, it made a difference. Maybe it could work for you xx

Do you have to be doing things with them all the time? Can't they play at home? My kids are 7 & 2, we do things separately with them because of the age difference and I usually get our 2yr old daughter and she is hard work!! We both work, but I don't take them out constantly, they need to learn to play independently at home....my friend constantly took her son out and now at nearly 8 he doesn't know how to be at home without being entertained

This is a frustrating thread to read in part because OP is echoing the circular nature of her arguments with her DH. The answer to everything is "no, because". It sounds like he's saying the same thing.
What do you girlfriends say?
Here are some different ideas, because although they might feel drastic, they are less drastic than divorce, which seems to be the other fantasy option.

1. Talk to one of his male friends and implore them to speak with him. He might listen to a bloke. No male friends? Ask your best mate's husband, or his brother, your brother. Someone! Literally everyone with small kids has a list a million items long
2. Write him a letter and ask for him to write one back.
3. Move house! This one is taking a wild and unsustainable amount of maintenance. Downsize to something low maintenance.

If your instinct is "no, because..." Please try doing something from this thread. It's an opportunity to break the cycle of misery and feelings trapped. Doesn't matter if it doesn't "work" to magically fix your husband.
If you do eventually leave, you'll know, and be able to tell your kids one day, that you tried everything.

The point is, if divorce is on the table you absolutely MUST act. Also, don't show your kids that this is what marriage is like. Yes, they get married parents, but they also get a weird, sexist model of relationships and a miserable, burnt out mum.

Hi OP. I completely understand your frustration. He's consciously or unconsciously ducking out of the hard graft at the weekend. As he is away so much in the week this is completely unsustainable.

Don't focus on his jobs when discussing this with him. My advice for what it's worth is to try one last time to get some change. State very clearly that you need either a weekend morning or afternoon completely to yourself to recharge. Whatever jobs he thinks need doing need to be worked around that. State you're close to burn out. If he refuses then ditch his lazy disrespectful arse!

Good luck OP.

Firstly if you are doing any chores for him just stop. Do not do his laundry. Do not buy any food that's only for him. Don't get involved in any cards or gifts for his family.

Personally I'd text and say - you avoid having the kids solo every weekend. From now on we have a day each. You have them Sat, I'll have them Sunday. No negotiation. If he refuses then really I'd be reviewing family finances and thinking about divorce.

Would it help him to understand just HOW much you do if you were to write it all down - say a typical week, including all the mental load? Then tell him you are beyond exhausted and are considering leaving him unless things change considerably?

I used to feel exactly the same and as someone else posted, those years for me were during covid so nothing was open and I was home schooling DC and looking after a toddler with a DH like yours. Who used to make sarcastic comments about why lunch wasn’t made for him when he was wfh…

I wanted to post because I stuck with it and I’m glad I did. I never upped my hours when the kids went back to school so now I get 2 days a week to myself whilst DH still does 5. I’ve started a new hobby that takes me out of the house from time to time and I told DH the schedule and left the kids with him. Yeah he wasn’t thrilled but do you know what? He was suddenly able to cope. Admittedly the kids were a bit older by then but yes, he managed. Yes the house was a shit pit when I returned but it was actually worth it for me. The exchange of tidying up the mess (on my day off) was a compromise worth making for me because 10 hours out doing something with like minded people was so refreshing and freeing. I’ve built myself a whole new support network and feel so much stronger, so much so, that when DH pisses off to mow the lawn or paint a fence, I don’t feel like killing him or myself anymore.

I would propose you each take one day on the weekend as primary carer. On that day, the person gets up with the kids, feeds them, tidies up after them, baths them. On that day if you do a family activity, the primary carer gets them dressed for it, prepares snacks, etc.
Then to start with on the days he is primary carer l’d try to make sure most of the time I was not around until the habit was embedded. Then if he starts with ‘I need to cut the grass’, sure no problem, but I would be sure not to be around to watch the kids. If the eldest needs to go to an activity, he needs to take youngest too. To enforce this, be unavailable until he gets it.
if he refuses, I’d do it anyway. ‘Remember I told you Saturdays I was leaving childcare to you’. Then you have HIM coming to YOU complaining that something has to change. It’s worth trying before divorce…

Er what?!!
Is he ok with the very real possibility that he could miss the birth of your third child? My husband works abroad but he did no travelling in the last month of all 4 of my pregnancies because he worried about missing the birth. Does he even ask you if could do all this? Does he still do day long bike rides? I mean I’m pretty relaxed but the marathon training and going away the week before due date would be a hard NO for me. Has he even
discussed not going since you found out you were pregnant (please tell me this wasn’t all planned knowing you were pregnant?)

I very much agree with this.
You sit your husband down and explain that you have them completely on your own for the vast part of the week and so weekends now need to be different. You have to be firm and have a routine.
My husband has always worked away for most of the week but the weekends are a shared responsibility. Firstly we both gave eachother a lie in (by this I mean until about 8am) on alternate days. Saturday night was always his night to cook, that included going out to buy the ingredients. You may want to cook but he does the complete bed routine, bath, dress, stories etc. Do not get involved in either activity, if he’s cooking get them
in to bed. If he’s doing bath time you don’t go upstairs.
I would also say you want a family activity all together for one of the mornings or afternoons. A walk, a farm etc but you all go together. Then if he does the above I wouldn’t mind him spending some time on diy or whatever!

Marathon was booked pre unexpected pregnancy. I did say would he consider cancelling it (I could see if he did before second payment then he would get money back and a deferral), he wouldn’t cancel.

tbh if he misses the birth it’s not a huge deal as he misses the second baby’s birth!! 😂😂

This man should have been divorced at the lock picking set which if he were my partner would have been far healthier for him as I’m stunned he’s still alive after he said the marathon plans. Does he serve any useful function at all? Your house plants look nice and contribute to air quality, does he add more to your life than a house plant? Why do you accept this??

It’s not funny though is it?

Haha it’s exasperating it’s true. He works from home a lot so he does a lot of teatimes and bedtimes. It’s more help from him staying than leaving (I’ve had a trial separation, it was definitely worse). I’ve accepted my trade off.

He does add lots of other things to the relationship - fixes everything around the house, goes to all the kids birthday parties I don’t want to (most of them) does a lot of nappy changing and also earns good money for our whole family

I sympathise OP, not exactly the same here but DH used to be 'too busy' to pitch in with the kids at weekends. It was usually work but sometimes extra visits to the supermarket or a trial drive to somewhere he had to go another time. 2y age gap between kids and eldest autistic, so the early years were very tough. Kids are 11 and 13 now.

I didn't address it enough at the time because a. it was normalised among my friends and b. because my friends were in the same boat, we enjoyed getting together with the kids at the weekend. Also DH's mental health was suffering so I picked up the slack where I could. He wasn't going off doing a hobby, he was doing what he considered essential tasks.

However, I do think I should have pushed it more because as a result, I still do more with the kids, as well as the mental load, and he didn't develop the skills needed to get things done around the kids - because I always gave him space. He also doesn't remember that I did so much more, for example, he says he used to take them both out and I know it was just one at a time. No point in arguing now, but there is some resentment.

It's not easy but I think it's worth pushing - make a plan to do something for yourself for a couple of hours when you know he's available - you need to do x and his plans to trim the hedge or whatever will have to wait. Especially as in your case he is getting plenty of sleep - maybe he can get up early to tackle some of those urgent chores. At that stage I would have been happy just to escape for a swim, or a walk and a coffee, with or without a friend. Just something for yourself.

My dc were the same in that they needed to go out a lot at that age - it would often be twice a day at the weekend, eg morning - swimming, afternoon - library and playground. Maybe some kids are more chilled, happy to play at home for hours but I found the days long and much more successful if we went out. It's different as they get older but we certainly had to keep them busy at the age yours are.

I gotta laugh tbh. Sometimes he’s just clueless

I don’t mind if he misses the birth too too much. I was asleep in surgery for the last birth and he wouldn’t have been allowed in anyway. He was there when I woke up and he had been to NICU to hold the baby

Its really odd that a lot of replies are doing the male thing of offering micro solutions (eg see Its Not About The Nail, Youtube). This is not about micro choices over who goes on what walk.etc.

The macro issue is that the responsibility and brain space of child care isn't shared, and the problem is not the tasks but the brain load. I'm sure the OP could mow the lawn if needed, that's not the point.
This is childcare avoidance for some reason. Fear? Laziness? Gender role stereotype?

You need to work out how he actually pays attention to you. Some people call it the love language. Clearly ordinary oral expression isn't working.

Is it a note? Is it you telling the in-laws and getting them, to help?
Does it mean shouting? Does it mean a few days holiday with friends and leaving him a series of questions he needs to answer when you return?

I think you need to tell him in a way he understands that he must change or there will be devastating consequences. I agree with the poster who said these jobs can be ignored, done by you or done by people you pay..

Good luck. No one wants to see a relationship end through carelessness and idiocy.so I hope you get through to him

I was asleep for our first birth too but at least baby went straight to dad while I recovered from general anaesthetic. The real thing here is he prefers to go abroad, do a marathon and miss the birth of his child, he prefers that. What an asshole.

He probably won’t miss the birth, my section isn’t scheduled until after

I am surprised by the volume of people on this thread saying that OP should just shut up or put up or implore her husband to empathise with her.

If she has clearly communicated the problem to him, how it makes her feel, and what she'd like the childcare to look like, and after all that he's not interested, the only way forward is to threaten to leave imo.

Sure you could "knuckle down" for the next few years but the resentment would absolutely kill the relationship for me. I would be devastated if my life partner didn't respect the fact that I was essentially on the road to a breakdown, and he could rectify it by helping.

@arealliveknight but he doesn't want this. And the only person in life that we can change is ourself.

So you either change yourself (what you do, or how you react, or leave him) OR you put up with it.

You can't FORCE him to change.

I still don't really get why you can't just go out for the day on Saturday and leave him to it. He will need to step up with childcare. Break out of your present habitual way and let him be the parent. Is it possible that you may have micro-managed him in the past and he now feels he would be inadequate in coming up to your standards? He may have got discouraged. Anyway, go out and see what he does while left on his own with DC. No need to announce it or prepare meals, etc. Let him do it all. He might surprise you.

I think you are looking for permission to divorce him. Many women do divorce their husbands for some version of this issue … there’s a blog written by a guy who got divorced for “leaving a cup by the dushwasher.” I divorced my husband for huffing about what was for dinner.

Really though many women divorce their husbands for just being a bit shit long term. For not caring enough about us to put our needs first when we consistently put theirs first. We agonise over the damage it could do to the kids and we put it off for years but many of us eventually snap and then wonder why we wasted the last 5 / 10 years on a guy who clearly views us as an item of life furniture.

Having preschoolers is grim, things do get better as they go to school. Your husband won’t improve but you’ll probably feel slightly less harassed when your smallest hits reception age. Is it worth upsetting the kids to free yourself from the simmering cauldron of resentment?? I’d say a hearty YES but I did so after 5 angry years when my DD was 7 so maybe I’m biased.

Parenting alone was easier than resentful parenting. My DD was not damaged. I’m finally remarrying (she’s 14) and she loves my new partner (really, I am not just saying that!). Her Dad is still a bit shit and flaky.

Maybe get some counselling to help you get to the point of divorce (or to decide not to).

I have discovered that leaving an unsupportive partner, even if you have dc for most of the time, actually creates a lot of space and time. I was amazed at how much less work I had around the house when the man wasn’t there.

Having read most of the thread, I do pick up your frustration @arealliveknight and I felt the same with my dc’s dad, he didn’t want to be with us. If he took the baby- not until she was weaned- he went out to meet a friend (who he is now coupled up with, getting together with her officially a couple of years after I left him 🤔). But usually he couldn’t have the baby because he had to do something for his mum, or his mate, or someone he knew at work ten years ago who really needed his help right now, and he couldn’t be with the two of us or even just with dc. I am pretty sure it was a combination of not wanting to be with ME plus not being interested in dc as a baby- I left when she was 2 and he did get better with her, slowly and to a given point of ‘better’. Still won’t prioritise her over work or other people, though, so she often comes home from his early and I am the one to rearrange my life to accommodate his. This has been a constant feature.

anyway, enough about him. My point (I do have one!) is that my useless ex found other things to do because he wanted to avoid being with me and our baby, and because he preferred the public accolades he got for being so helpful in the community. It was a deliberate choice and he would never have changed it even if I had confronted him with that knowledge. He didn’t want to do anything differently. Yours sounds the same. He won’t change, so unless you force a change you won’t get one- and he may resent you for forcing it. Admittedly I had bad experiences with men (better now) but I only managed to make the situation better for me by blowing it up. I think you have to blow yours up in some way, you’ll know how to make him hear you, but you need to press his buttons.