Leaving DH to get a break or stick it out? Going a bit mad!

[arealliveknight]

Hopefully this won’t be ridiculously long.

DH and I have two children, aged four and coming up for two (twenty months.) He works full time and is usually away Tuesday morning to Thursday night, but he is sometimes away all week. I work three days a week. I’m a teacher so I do have some work outside of school as well.

I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times and nothing changes. Now spring is coming he decides essential jobs need doing around the house. I honestly don’t know anyone else with this age of children who takes them out solo as much as me at weekends. If I go through last weekend for example, we all went out for the day on Saturday as I’d won tickets to a lambing event at the local farm. Then on Sunday he did take DS to a sports class he did but I had DD all morning. This invariably happens when we divide and conquer: he gets DS who is four and pretty easy and I get DD, who just by her age is much harder work, then home for lunch and then I took them out for the afternoon. We were about from one o clock until about twenty to four so nearly four hours. However, it’s still not enough so I’m left to bath them and get them into bed solo. Finally do this, get downstairs about half seven and I start clearing up (I know people will say not to but you do have to sometimes and I hate mess) and then have to start marking some books and planning some lessons for the next day.

If this was a one off OK, but it isn’t, it’s how things are. Last weekend I had DD all morning and took her to Costco and then I took them to a party in the afternoon. Then Sunday again I had DD in the morning while DH had DS and in the afternoon took them on a nature walk the local wildlife trust organised. Weekend before that I had them all day Saturday and all day Sunday, to a farm on Saturday and then on Sunday to a park and to feed the ducks then for new shoes. I won’t go on, I’m sure everyone gets the picture. That’s on top of the fact I do all the cooking, washing, nursery runs and pretty much everything child related.

It is grindingly relentless. DD woke twice last night and I’ve got them all day today and it’s wet. I’ll probably take them out to soft play or something but it’s still a long day.

I know people will say to talk to DH and I’ve tried, so many times. It’s impossible; you don’t get anywhere. He focuses on the minutiae of the situation rather than the bigger picture (‘yeah well the grass really needed mowing and that hedge was out of control’) rather than the bigger picture. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to be honest.

So - do I stick it out? Or do I say sod it. I know that’s only a question I can answer. I keep thinking things will be easier in a few months; DS will be at school. The two years after that DD starts and maybe things will get better. But I’ll still have them all school holidays and all weekend and all the time, no break. I love them, I don’t not want them here but I have absolutely no time for me at all. Any free time I do get when they’re in bed I just spend charging around doing jobs or school work.

DH isn’t a bad man although I get I haven’t sold him here. He is lazy and a bit selfish. But day to day we get on well; he does love the children and they love him. I don’t want that to change. But something has to, I’m just not sure what.

I would stick it out for the time being - I've been there and it does get better when children are a little bigger and DH will feel more connection with them and will want to do things with them, like going on a bike, doing sports, etc. Early years are always tough, especially for women. I know we love to talk about 50:50 in household/childcare but in reality it's rare, isn't it? The alternative is to be a single mother and that would be even tougher, I think (and might be forever). I would slow down and maybe not go out every weekend with the kids, do all the groceries online, etc. They will be fine playing in a garden from time to time while you relax on a sofa.

I think taking the children out a lot is very much needed if that works for your family! All children are different. My husband and family thought I took the children out too much but honestly they arent the one looking after them and I was. I knew if we didnt go out even for a 20 minutes walk it would turn into bickering or boredom or me getting cabin fever. Keep doing what you need/want to. We go out every single day rain or shine. That's our normal :-)

In regards to your husbands jobs taking ages....I have been told the jobs my husband takes are time consuming jobs. I don't acknowledge this at all. I still don't. I think bricklaying and putting a patio down look relatively easy (waits to be shouted down). I do know there is more to it than what it looks like but the conclusion we have had to come to is my brain cant process the work or time that goes into it - which is true. I also know I could never ever do the jobs my husband does - or more accurately I don't want to. I say this staring at the half finished patio that has filled at least 5 of my husbands saturdays recently... Sundays have been spent complaining about his back following the Saturdays doing the patio.... Grrr.

@Daisyrainbows Dhs party trick is buying things for the children on eBay or somewhere. He bought a tractor once, had to get the train to north Wales to get it and then get it home again. That was when he was on paternity leave and I’d had a c section. I was not thrilled.

This would drive me absolutely nuts, my dad is like this and I wouldn't have put up with it in a partner because of that.
I ended up picking up so much work in my household growing up to support my mum because my dad was always doing something else 'essential'.
No amount of arguments or explanations would make him see that what he was doing was not helpful and was actually hurting his family.
I love my dad but would not have blamed my mum for leaving him.
If your husband isn't open to seeing what he's doing and isn't open to couples therapy then you only have the options of leaving or making peace with it.

I now have to forgive DH for his lengthy shits to avoid walking the dogs, because this list is insane.

Did he even take the toddler with him for that trip?

I think it should be completely expected to both give each other time off, even if it is for chores and housework.

As an example, your DS is 4 and has lots of birthday parties. We used to take it in turns to take ours to parties and you have to bring the toddler too.

I always do drop off in our routine and so i have a shower and get ready in peace, on my own, at the weekends.

I joined a gym so that i also had 3 times a week where i went out on my own to do something good for me.

we go food shopping on our own.

we cook Sunday dinner on our own, listening to an audiobook while we do it.

It isn’t one of us that always does the same thing but it should be team work. Take it in turns for bedtime and night wakings. The other tidies up the carnage. If he’s there, he should not be a hindrance.

my only suggestion is that you lay this out clearly to your husband and make sure he knows that you’re contemplating ending the marriage.

you are allowed to say no when he announces daft plans. If you have to fit in household chores whilst parenting, so can he.

If he loves and respects you, he should come to these conclusions on his own!! It is absolutely the case when a man says that the divorce came out of nowhere - he decided to take up a hobby to avoid family life.

I think if you are working 3 days and have 2 days per week ,what about an extra day at Nursery? Have a day to yourself ,or maybe swap with another mum ?

Similar here when mine were young and tbh still similar but with different tasks now they’re tween and early teens. I’ve accepted it and just go with it as there is light in a few years. He also finds driving them places at 13 easier than he did taking them out together at 3 so more help is coming my way now. I am increasingly aware of last times - early teens won’t hold my hand any more, prefer the company of their friends, don’t come and watch the tv with us etc, so hard as it is those memories are lovely ones and the relentlessness is forgotten (until I read threads like this!). Also, if you up and leave it’s all on you really. Even those little windows of help will only come on scheduled weekends, so you may make your life harder not easier. If you’ve got to stage where you can’t stand having him around then do it, but if it’s just impatience with his priorities perhaps better to stick it out.

@arealliveknight
You're running yourself ragged into the ground with dc while dh swans about doing non essential tasks. When you have a family especially younger children then you honestly don't have the option of dedicating entire weekends to diy projects or home maintenance. Not without one parent taking all the brunt of childcare, which we all know is relentless.

This man is buying his leisure time where he gets to choose what to spend his time on, so yes this is leisure time IMO. He's doing this at your expense, at the expense of your leisure time, your need for childfree time and your mental health. Never getting a break from the dc is is not good for anyone. When one partner buys their leisure time at the expense of the other partner, that is a form of abuse. and the fact that he's not open to discussing this is further proof that he really doesn't care about you. So yes, you should separate.

I was in your boat when dc where small, ex worked every weekend and evening without taking a single one off despite much pleading. It wore me down. he was completely checked out of family life.

Can you separate? You sound at breaking point. I really hope you find a way out of this.

We were a bit like this. Then I heard on the radio about a couple who have every other Saturday off - from 9am - 1pm they can do what they like and have run off the house (in case they want to just stay home and do FA). The other parent takes the kids out for that time. The next weekend, they swap. So simple and so effective (for us).

No. DS was in nursery that day so DH decided it was a good moment to buy a tractor. I could cry.

Honestly have no idea what to do next!

That one actually starts to edge into purposeful. Sorry.

I think you need a couple of stand up rows about this. Honestly, it was me literally screaming and breaking down that made DH realise. I don't mind negotiation, I minded that there was NO negotiation - his chores were ALWAYS a priority and I had to fit in.

That’s exactly what I have @MsMarch . It doesn’t matter that the titanic is sinking, the tables must be polished.

When we were going through the process of getting DS diagnosed with ADHD things were really bad. Kids were older, but DS was in high school behaviour was slipping, DD was still young enough she needed a lot of input.

I didn't get to the point of thinking about leaving. But I did write him a letter telling him I was on my KNEES. I did it in a letter becuase I didn't want to start a big defensive fight. I wanted him just to read what I was telling him. I wanted him to stop being so bloody oblivious!

Very specifically, what do you want? And I know that it's frustrating to have to spell it out but I think you're going to have to be very specific with your DH. Also if you put it here then others might have specific advice.

Op this isn't laziness it's rank selfishness.

He is opting out of parenting. I have mixed with many parents in my own recent years and no ..good dad's don't just fill their weekends with stuff they choose and leave mum to do the childcare.

Trust yourself. You know he is opting out. He thinks the kids are your job so he invents things to do to avoid that.

If you don't want a life like this...leave him.

Maybe he will wake up and smell the reality coffee and change ? If not ...you at least don't have the bitterness to deal with you can just plan your own life

Pls ignore the nonsense about unnecessary outings. Obviously yoing children need outings at weekends.

You're a fantastic mum taking your kids out over the weekend - I do the same and find DD (who is 3) behaves better, sleeps better and I can relax more whilst she potters around the playpark, whereas at home I've got to really engage her (or put a lot of effort in distracting her with something!).

You don't have to disappear for a weekend though - start small. Get up early on a Saturday, get ready, plonk DD on your bed (I say this as with my ex I would have concerns about just walking out and leaving him asleep as there's no way he would have woken up to DD) and tell your husband you're going out for the day. Leave before he's had a chance to process what's going on.

If you get back and he's flustered and angry - then it's more fodder for your argument that being left alone with the kids is bloody difficult and that perhaps you would appreciate more equal parenting. If you get back and everything is pristine and the kids are happy, then you know you can do it every weekend and it'll all be fine!

What does she want? A partner who plans his weekends around his children!

Imagine a mum saying..yeh sorry love I've got an endless list of house jobs...and just presumed week in week out and all day in the holidays...that childcare was not her concern.

Laughable to think of as it has never happened

OP, I hear you. I think you’re doing a great job of parenting, and please disregard all the nonsense about not needing to take the kids outside once a day. You’re not doing anything crazy by leaving the house with them once a day.

A lot of the time, we get posters at their lowest ebb, yet they seem incapable of articulating their discontent to their partners. You, on the other hand, appear to have been extremely clear. If you’ve said everything you’ve said to us to him, laid it out as comprehensively as you have here and stated that it’s making you consider leaving - if you’ve done all that and he’s STILL disregarding you - then it’s wilful. He simply does not care enough to change.

It’s not as easy as saying LTB. I get that. But, if I were in your position, and I’d been all but screaming all this in my DH’s face to no avail, I would leave. It’s a level of disrespect and disregard that I wouldn’t be able to tolerate.

Have one more talk with him. Then do what you need to do. I hope things work out for you, one way or another.

I really feel for you. I don't think it's going to get better, sorry. Once they are in school there will be parties, school fairs, weekend activities and still many years ahead of tiring them out! And the basic problem that your husband doesn't seem to be interested in getting to know the children.

Our family is not one that manages family outings all the time at the weekend. But my husband would absolutely take our kids out to a petting farm for a couple of hours at the weekend, while I rested. Or if the grass needed mowing we would decide together whether that was a high enough priority and he would give me the choice of whether I mow or take the kids. I tiled a kitchen when my baby was 1. If both kids were invited to a party quite often DH would take them.

You seem to have got into a position where you, your opinions, your comfort, are below mowing the grass in the pecking order. And absolutely that is a husband/marriage problem. It's a partnership, not a servant/master relationship.

I wonder if your husband could take on some regular commitments with the kids. Football tots or swimming are common ones that reluctant dads will deign to do. Alternating bedtimes on the days he is here should be achievable. Why won't he commit to that?

I 100% don't think you should just give in and suck it up. No good will come of just lying down and accepting you're lower in the pecking order then the lawn, or the latest shelf DH takes a fancy to installing.

I just don't think this is about the op taking time for herself. It's such an odd mumsbet argument.

When you have young children you need to be a team . You need to be cooperating and supporting each other and sharing priorities.

Not some wierd game where a mum tries to get hours on her own from a man who is constantly trying yo avoid doing actual parenting

I want to see my husband! I want to parent our children together.

And do you think your husband understands what that means and is actively avoiding it? (Not being goady honest), because it is crap that you have to spell it out but does he know it and wilfully ignores your needs or is completely clueless and thinks he's doing a great job? (And I get that both are crap)

Whilst I agree to some extent - I think in this case (having been through similar before) it perhaps starts with mum strong arming the dad into doing it. A lot of men don't really appreciate the work that goes into childcare. Once he starts to appreciate the work, but also build a bond with his family (sounds like he's got a bond with OP's DS but struggling with their DD), he'll be more willing, hopefully, to actually start to work as a team and appreciate her point of view.

Also mum getting mum time is important!