Leaving DH to get a break or stick it out? Going a bit mad!

[arealliveknight]

Hopefully this won’t be ridiculously long.

DH and I have two children, aged four and coming up for two (twenty months.) He works full time and is usually away Tuesday morning to Thursday night, but he is sometimes away all week. I work three days a week. I’m a teacher so I do have some work outside of school as well.

I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times and nothing changes. Now spring is coming he decides essential jobs need doing around the house. I honestly don’t know anyone else with this age of children who takes them out solo as much as me at weekends. If I go through last weekend for example, we all went out for the day on Saturday as I’d won tickets to a lambing event at the local farm. Then on Sunday he did take DS to a sports class he did but I had DD all morning. This invariably happens when we divide and conquer: he gets DS who is four and pretty easy and I get DD, who just by her age is much harder work, then home for lunch and then I took them out for the afternoon. We were about from one o clock until about twenty to four so nearly four hours. However, it’s still not enough so I’m left to bath them and get them into bed solo. Finally do this, get downstairs about half seven and I start clearing up (I know people will say not to but you do have to sometimes and I hate mess) and then have to start marking some books and planning some lessons for the next day.

If this was a one off OK, but it isn’t, it’s how things are. Last weekend I had DD all morning and took her to Costco and then I took them to a party in the afternoon. Then Sunday again I had DD in the morning while DH had DS and in the afternoon took them on a nature walk the local wildlife trust organised. Weekend before that I had them all day Saturday and all day Sunday, to a farm on Saturday and then on Sunday to a park and to feed the ducks then for new shoes. I won’t go on, I’m sure everyone gets the picture. That’s on top of the fact I do all the cooking, washing, nursery runs and pretty much everything child related.

It is grindingly relentless. DD woke twice last night and I’ve got them all day today and it’s wet. I’ll probably take them out to soft play or something but it’s still a long day.

I know people will say to talk to DH and I’ve tried, so many times. It’s impossible; you don’t get anywhere. He focuses on the minutiae of the situation rather than the bigger picture (‘yeah well the grass really needed mowing and that hedge was out of control’) rather than the bigger picture. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to be honest.

So - do I stick it out? Or do I say sod it. I know that’s only a question I can answer. I keep thinking things will be easier in a few months; DS will be at school. The two years after that DD starts and maybe things will get better. But I’ll still have them all school holidays and all weekend and all the time, no break. I love them, I don’t not want them here but I have absolutely no time for me at all. Any free time I do get when they’re in bed I just spend charging around doing jobs or school work.

DH isn’t a bad man although I get I haven’t sold him here. He is lazy and a bit selfish. But day to day we get on well; he does love the children and they love him. I don’t want that to change. But something has to, I’m just not sure what.

I think that you need to book to go away for a long weekend by yourself. Find a reason/date and put it in the calendar and go. Do not do anything more to facilitate this at home than he would do when he goes away in the week.

I'll be a good break for you but more importantly it will be a chance for DH to really understand what is urgent/important with young kids; what it is like being the in-charge parent; and how hard work it is on your own with two that young.

Once you're back have a conversation with him about the weekends and how often you're left to do all of the parenting and see if he is more amenable to change at that point.

I totally get it, we have a very similar dynamic, although it is voluntary and will last for 2-3 more months only (DH is doing some DIY renovation during the weekends, I can't do much due to pregnancy). I also get fed up and I'd rather be doing whatever renovation or physical work whilst listening to a podcast and nobody climbing on me or asking for snacks. The difference is my husband really wants to spend time with our child (and whenever he has time he does, he takes her to a park on his own or travels internationally with her to see his parents, so I get a break).

I don't know if I have any piece of advice. You seem to have lost hope he can change, so I imagine there must have been a lot conversations on this topic. You are probably right it gets easier, but I imagine there is a lot of resentment from your end. Is there any way that his job changes in the future or you can hire some help to free up your time?

He’s a lazy selfish shit dad and husband who doesn’t care that his wife is at breaking point, imagine she took the same view, the kids would be neglected, but woman never get that choice, the resentment would eat me up and I would leave as it didn’t get better

You both really need to learn to do your "tasks" wih the children around. When you or your dh are trimming the hedges, why aren't the kids out in the garden too? Plenty of woodlice and worms for them to find etc. have they got a swing or a slide out there?

You or he can tidy the kitchen when the kids are awake for goodness' sake. They need to witness housework for one thing, or they'll grow up not knowing it's a thing, then where will you all be.

So next time DH starts a job outside, don't be all accommodating and take the kids out to the park, shove their wellies on and send them out with him, then get in the shower, or go out and do some weeding alongside him.

Two can play at that game. You seem way over-organised to me. Yes outings are great, one every other weekend maybe, and ALL FOUR OF YOU GO AND HAVE A NICE TIME TOGETHER

I could've written that. Down to cleaning it in the kitchen. We are no longer together. Thankfully.

If DH has jobs to do, then why do you need to take the kids out for the whole day? Don't. Let them interrupt him, and make his life difficult in some ways.
OR the other alternative is that you say, I'm sorry this doesn't work, I'm afraid this task will have to wait, I insist you do XYZ (and make him have the younger kid). And do this repeatedly.

Because at the moment it's not just that you are doing everything, it's that when he says I'm going to prioritise cleaning the garage you are being forced to agree to whatever it takes to make that happen. Don't do that.

And to be honest do talk to him about leaving. Then he might see the bigger picture or he might not. But don't be under ANY illusion that this isn't deliberate. I suspect your husband isn't a fool, is fairly intelligent and this is a deliberate ploy to get out of parenting.

...and if he pushes back against this 1000% reasonable policy, hell have to tey and justify himself. Which will make him sound like the dick he has allowed himself to become.

The problem is, if you wait until the kids are older are therefore easier to parent and he then suddenly steps up and takes a more active role, you'll be so damn resentful that that will kill your marriage.

Now the kids don't need nappy changes, spoon feeding and constant supervision he gets to swoop in and get all the rewards/benefits of parenting without doing the drudge work to get them to that point.

The anger I would feel at that would be enough for me to end it.

So you need to nip this in the bud now because the anger will definitely pop up to bite you on the ass later.

I do get what your saying but other posters are right. Unless you physically leave the house and him with the kids on his own during the day it really won't change.

I know that feels like it's not actually dealing with the issue but it is. The more he HAS to actively parent on his own the easier it'll become for him. Practice makes perfect. It would feel like some momentous stressful task as he'll be used to it. He'll have to take a physically active role.

It'll take time and it has to be often you do this. You can't leave for the day once a month and expect change. It has to be regular and weekly to actually make a difference. Then you have to give it time to see an actual change.

Do this and give it say, 3 - 6 months. If there is no difference after this amount of time you can then throw in the towel knowing you've literally tried everything but it didn't work. You can walk away holding your head high and not wondering 'what if'.

You are being taken for a mug OP. Men don’t listen to words only action so it’s time to take some.

@arealliveknight what would happen if you said to him now, that on Saturday he is taking out DD and DS while you catch up on marking? Then you take your marking out to Costa and sit in peace while he amuses the kids?

So he works away a lot and then spends lots of time at weekends doing Very Important Jobs but not actually hanging out with his kids or giving you a break.

Naaah this isn’t right. Seems like he is swanning around doing his thing and leaving you to sweep up.

Yes it is hard with little kids at those ages but his slack attitude is making it harder.

Whilst I understand your frustration, it sounds like he makes himself busy doing practical things for the home / family. It's not like he's out playing golf, or gaming, or down the pub? For that reason alone I'd say stick it out and find a way through...

Why are you going out all the time? Just stay in doors let them
play with there toys whilst you do your jobs around the house and lesson planning? Get in the way of him doing jobs.

Splitting up is a whole lot more expensive than counselling is. More expensive by many 00000 places.

If you want to try to make your relationship work, counselling is the next step. Many counsellors reduce their fees for people who can’t afford it. Find one who will do that your husband can’t just say “no we can’t afford it”.

I don’t know where you and your husband will go from here, but you are clearly - in your own account - not communicating well.

Do you believe that he is doing some of this weekend work in order to avoid spending time with the children / both children or you? It sounds as if you do. And you could be right. Is that what you also want? Or something else?

Experiment -
Tell him that you also don’t want to do all the household tasks you do in the evenings during the week and that you want to save them all up for the weekend and do lots of them then. And recognise - ask him if he recognises - that this will mean you have more time together in the evenings. Ask him whether as an experiment you can do a weekend where he looks after the children one morning and you do the other.

Tell him you and the kids will clean the garage with him. It doesn’t have to be a job he does alone!

Draw up a list of what you are doing each, and when you would each like to do this / what you most want to keep or switch.

and - could you try to think more clearly about what it is you want to do with the free time you will gain. What are you missing out on? Exercise? Time with friends? A side hustle? Craft?

Oh and I didn't mean tell him you want this, just do it. Coats and boots on, out you go in the garden with daddy. If he objects then he has to explain why they can't be in their own garden getting fresh air with him keeping an eye on them.

And there is no good reason.

I recognise this. The reality is that while you're not specifically saying it, you suspect that these so-called essential tasks are a) not that essential and b) don't require anywhere NEAR the amount of time he uses to do them. We had similar issues. It wasnt because Dh was lazy or selfish, he's not. In his case it was thoughtlessless and, in my opinion, a classic example of male entitlement whereby HIS tasks and chores were more important and/or he just wasn't thinking about the bigger picture.

We had a few stand up arguments about this. The upshot was that sometimes, his so-called esential task just wasn't done because really, it was NOT that essential. Or it was done at a less convenient time (for him). eg, no, you're not using the main part of saturday to mow the lawn and trim the hedges. You can do it at 5:30 after a day out with the DC when they're tired and watching tv and I'm making dinner.

Sometimes I'd just say, "fine, but I need to take DS to swimming so DD will be here." or "Okay, but I'm going to the supermarket for the big shop and I can't take the kids so they'll be here while you're doing that."

We also had to negotiate the chores. DH tends to just sort of drift along and then start something. Even now the DC are much older, we still have to do a quick run through of the weekend plans a day or two before - what each child needs to do, what he and I need to do, what everyone wants to do etc... and then plan it out so that it works as well as possible for everyone.

When things were really bad, I did sit him down for "I am on my knees" type conversations. I wrote him a letter once too.

The conditioning men undergo that makes them like this is really hard to break and they have to want to. My DH is 10000000x better now and I'm really not complaining at all. I did laugh get a bit annoyed though just the other day when I was out running around sorting out last minute things for DD's birthday in the morning (with DD). As I got home, he said to me, "I'm just going to pop to get the car cleaned - what time do we need to leave for the party?". It literally hadn't crossed his mind that a) he could have cleaned the car earlier or b) that he needed to be at home helping to get things ready FOR the party. [In his defense, he realised after and then stepped up x100 before, during and after the party. haha]

@arealliveknight I hear your frustration, it sounds like you just want him to step up with the children.

He already has 3/7 nights away without childcare responsibilites but you are in it 7/7.

I know you are fed-up trying to have the discussion with him, could you try one last time but be very specific and spell it out what you need from him?

Write it down, perhaps some thing along the lines,

weekends are sacrosant; we both will go out, as a family, with the children for a few hours and if he needs to garden or potter or anything else non-urgent, he can do that when you return from the day out.

on 3 nights a week, when he is home, he can bathe and put the children to bed.

You shouldn't have to go out, just to get mental down-time.

You are an equal partnership (not with the children though) and as some pp's have rightly said, he is avoiding his paternal responsibilities at your expense. You must be exhausted, thinking of you.

Look I know it’s got your back up with people suggesting vanishing for a day, saying it won’t solve it but you need to disappear. He needs to be dropped in it and shown that he is not pulling his weight and that there’s much more to parenting than floating around with house tasks on your mind. Your kids will be safe and fed but you need to actually drop the ball. Nothing is going to magically solve this but you now have to change how you’re communicating with him as to how shit he is being - make him experience it. See it as a dry run for both of you as if you do end things, you’re going to have to hand over to him some weekends.

I think you need to ask him to write down all the jobs, then include looking after the children in that list. Divide and conquer based on time needed.

Be clear, and say you would rather do some of the other jobs to have a mental break from childcare. If you can’t do them, pick the ones you can and he can show you how to do them for a future. Or explain he needs to prioritise doing these jobs early morning or later in evening when kids are in bed.

You need to share the night wakes. It may be easier short term for you to do this, but long term it is not sustainable.

You need to be clear how you’re on the verge of a break down and need a balance and child free time.

Some of the week he's not even there so for that time he doesn't have to think about meals, bedtime, getting to childcare-nothing!

When he's there you take the kids out so he can get on with the jobs!

It sounds as if at least swapping kids occasionally might help for a start.

I remember doing housework/shopping with the kids "helping" & likewise husband did gardening/diy with me & the kids "helping".

Have you ever had a conversation with him about the broad issues of how you both use your time on parenting? Not just as issues arise but generally, perhaps when DC in bed. If so, and he does not seem to listen, and as you are at the end of your tether, maybe write it down for him to read. Express all the general problems about not having time for yourself and the division of labour re. childcare. Be a bit assertive even though you sound quite defeated right now. Would he read and take it seriously enough to discuss with you, and realise need to prioritise family over DIY? It could be the last chance saloon.

I was in the same position as you. I left.
he would always be busy or have jobs that needed doing and I was always left with the childcare.

It may not lessen your load being a single parent, but I think it’s easier than having someone there who isn’t helping and getting more and more resentful of them as time goes by. Removing the expectation of help worked for me.

@arealliveknight I think your husband needs to know that the situation has become so awful that you are seriously contemplating ending the marriage. Do you think he has any idea of that?

Mowing the lawn and cutting the hedge when his wife is feeling this low? That’s his priority? He is perhaps choosing not to hear you.

If you're serious about splitting up because you're so sick of it, then I would give him an ultimatum and tell him how things would need to change for you to stay in the marriage. Maybe make counselling part of the deal if he wants to stay together. If you split, he will be looking after them both for set periods so either way he can't carry on the way he is.

Look I know it’s got your back up with people suggesting vanishing for a day, saying it won’t solve it but you need to disappear. He needs to be dropped in it and shown that he is not pulling his weight and that there’s much more to parenting than floating around with house tasks on your mind. Your kids will be safe and fed but you need to actually drop the ball.

Agree with this- am imagining you OP reading these responses like "ffs how many times" 🤣 but honestly, there is a reason why we're all suggesting it 💐