Leaving DH to get a break or stick it out? Going a bit mad!

[arealliveknight]

Hopefully this won’t be ridiculously long.

DH and I have two children, aged four and coming up for two (twenty months.) He works full time and is usually away Tuesday morning to Thursday night, but he is sometimes away all week. I work three days a week. I’m a teacher so I do have some work outside of school as well.

I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times and nothing changes. Now spring is coming he decides essential jobs need doing around the house. I honestly don’t know anyone else with this age of children who takes them out solo as much as me at weekends. If I go through last weekend for example, we all went out for the day on Saturday as I’d won tickets to a lambing event at the local farm. Then on Sunday he did take DS to a sports class he did but I had DD all morning. This invariably happens when we divide and conquer: he gets DS who is four and pretty easy and I get DD, who just by her age is much harder work, then home for lunch and then I took them out for the afternoon. We were about from one o clock until about twenty to four so nearly four hours. However, it’s still not enough so I’m left to bath them and get them into bed solo. Finally do this, get downstairs about half seven and I start clearing up (I know people will say not to but you do have to sometimes and I hate mess) and then have to start marking some books and planning some lessons for the next day.

If this was a one off OK, but it isn’t, it’s how things are. Last weekend I had DD all morning and took her to Costco and then I took them to a party in the afternoon. Then Sunday again I had DD in the morning while DH had DS and in the afternoon took them on a nature walk the local wildlife trust organised. Weekend before that I had them all day Saturday and all day Sunday, to a farm on Saturday and then on Sunday to a park and to feed the ducks then for new shoes. I won’t go on, I’m sure everyone gets the picture. That’s on top of the fact I do all the cooking, washing, nursery runs and pretty much everything child related.

It is grindingly relentless. DD woke twice last night and I’ve got them all day today and it’s wet. I’ll probably take them out to soft play or something but it’s still a long day.

I know people will say to talk to DH and I’ve tried, so many times. It’s impossible; you don’t get anywhere. He focuses on the minutiae of the situation rather than the bigger picture (‘yeah well the grass really needed mowing and that hedge was out of control’) rather than the bigger picture. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to be honest.

So - do I stick it out? Or do I say sod it. I know that’s only a question I can answer. I keep thinking things will be easier in a few months; DS will be at school. The two years after that DD starts and maybe things will get better. But I’ll still have them all school holidays and all weekend and all the time, no break. I love them, I don’t not want them here but I have absolutely no time for me at all. Any free time I do get when they’re in bed I just spend charging around doing jobs or school work.

DH isn’t a bad man although I get I haven’t sold him here. He is lazy and a bit selfish. But day to day we get on well; he does love the children and they love him. I don’t want that to change. But something has to, I’m just not sure what.

Okay OP lots of similarities here you are not alone.
some weekends dh could do zero with the kids so I do the farm day solo (he doesn’t like family days out) and then he helps at bedtime and then Sunday I do church with both kids while he has me time and then maybe I do a play date Sunday PM, he might help with bedtime (I had to start saying which child do you want to do or do you want to do bath or cook dinner?)

the ONLY way I got me time is to text him ‘I have a massage booked Saturday 2pm’ I’ll be back at 4. Or I’m going out for dinner at 6pm Friday night the kids are both your responsibility. I didn’t give him a choice bc he would never choose the right thing

i also found a bit more peace with it as I told myself he was doing helpful stuff eg he fixed the dishwasher and he ordered a new part for a broken blind and he fixed the car wind screen. I told myself thank goodness he’s not computer gaming or at the pub

So what DO you want @arealliveknight ?

As I've read your posts, and I'm really not clear. You've said what you don't want, or what you don't think will work.

But what do you see as the ideal? Both of you mopping up the juice on the kitchen floor? Him taking the kids out on a Saturday so you can do the washing/cleaning etc?

Focus his mind by talking about how serious you are, that you’re considering divorce if things continue this way, if you really mean it.

Tell him that from now he is solely responsible for Saturday bedtime and Sunday afternoon (or whatever).

Work with him (you shouldn’t have to but here you are) to make your weekends more balanced.

Don’t just give up because he says the grass needs mowing. He’s used to shutting you up with these practical tasks. That ends now.

I’m not sure if you’re still reading this thread but I just wanted to say what you said about how galling it is to feel that no one else does as much solo parenting as you really rings true for me. Mine are 5 and 8 now (it does get easier by the way, 20 months is a very intense age!) but when my first was a baby and until he was about 18 months, my DH worked every single weekend - except sometimes a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon - and never got bakc
before bath and bedtime in the week either. Never. I felt like such an idiot and the feeling that everyone else was having family time every weekend at the farm park, or seeing dads out on a Saturday morning pushing the pram around so - I assume - their partners could have a lie-in used to bring me to the verge of tears.

I never seriously thought of leaving for various reasons but I used to fantasise about getting very ill or injured just so I could get a break from childcare.

If it’s any consolation, I have since made more friends in the same line of work as my DH, where it’s very common to work at weekends, and have realised I actually wasn’t the only one doing weekend solo parenting with young children. For some reason that made me feel a lot better. So did the passage of time. Family attractions are bad places to go for having other families out having fun together rubbed in your face though!

The key question to me is not whether to leave him to get a break but whether you actually want to be married to him. Children do not thank parents for staying together in an unhappy marriage and while divorce isn’t ideal, it isn’t the end of the world. If you still love your husband and feel he’s the right man for you I would definitely stick it out - the childcare WILL get much easier over the coming years and your situation is less rare than you think. But if you think you’re not in love with him anymore or don’t see a happy future in the marriage then you should definitely leave or at least go for counselling with a view to a separation being a realistic outcome.

Not sure it’s reassuring but yes, same here.
I did ‘stick it out’ and I wouldn’t recommend it. Because it carried on. Despite the talks etc etc….
Yes it was easier for me with time because they got older so easier.
It didn’t do anything about the resentment I felt. Despite me trying to embrace it etc….

Now, if I had my time again, I’d just leave the two dcs with dh and I’d take s half day or a day fir myself.
Id refuse to see him constantly chosing the ‘work that needs to be done’ because it meant him doing what he enjoyed when I was left with the drudgery.
And if things didn’t change, I’d leave whim.

Trying to smooth over again and again isn’t worth it imo. You’re just loosing yourself in the process.

This sounds like the situation I was in too, almost word for word (except I only have one child to worry about!). I have to say that now we've split up, there was a very stressful adjustment period of a month or two where I was getting used to doing all the tasks he used to do as well as the childcare, but now I'm in the swing of things it's actually easier because I'm not holding on to any anger or resentment because the only person who can do things is me! DD goes to him every Sunday so I actually have more of a break (TBH I spend my Sunday doing the "infinite tasks" these men come up with to avoid childcare - but child free, so it's an absolute breeze compared to juggling chores and a toddler/pre-schooler).

If you don't want to end things (and if this is the only issue, I'd give everything a try - I split with my ex because he had alcohol issues on top of all the rest), I would start by saying "(Day of choice) is your day with the children, end of". And start doing whatever the eff you want/need to do - maybe start by sneakily getting up and get ready on the day of choice before he does then plonk your 2yo on the bed with him, wake him up and go out! See how you get on with that?

Good luck with finding a solution, I know what that anger and resentment feels like and it adds to all the exhaustion of childcare!

You’re not alone op. My dc are teens now but I was in a similar situation (still am really)
dh would rather now the lawn or wash the cars than spend a day out with us. I ended up taking them everywhere by myself.
we have a beach 2 hrs away. We went every year for years and dh doesn’t even know where it is.
He has never been to a museum or a park with us either.
He’s been on some bigger days out and holidays but generally, he’d rather stay at home whereas I wanted dc to have lots of days out.
Just to say I pretty much accepted it and happily left the kids with him while I went out with friends as he never went out with me either.
It sounds sad but it’s just the way it is. I didn’t want to separate, I just wanted him to want to come out more but he probably just wanted me to stay in more.

Op I get you.
I’ve experienced similar with the weekends ending up looking after kids while my H did endlessly solo accomplishment tasks. I’m also a teacher so had tons of work to do at home too, plus up at night with kids.

I told him over and over and had big arguments. Things have changed but I tell you what else- the resentment means I’m totally disconnected from him. The long drawn out process of getting him to do to his fair share of childcare and housework (the boring, endless, repetitive type) means I’ve become emotionally exhausted and detached.

Having experienced something similar with a husband who worked half the weekend and the other half would create “children avoidance jobs” my tip is to stop trying to create family time and just take some time for yourself on the weekends.

Do so unapologetically. If you get resistance create an urgent job you must do or errand you must run but go and do something nice for you. This works well because you aren’t pouring from an empty cup and it gives him the chance to get better at parenting two kids at once alone and also seeing it’s hard work.
Dont keep sacrificing your time for “family time”. Men don’t tend to do that, they just take what time they need.

I hear you OP. It's like he creates lots of 'urgent'jobs that need to be done - anything rather than childcare. I don't think your situation is that unusual. What to do? Tell him what will happen if it continues. And then leave him if it doesn't improve in xx months.

Be prepared for:

• 'there's no point both of us being with the kids when there are so many jobs to be done'
• you only work part time
• the kids behave better for you
• when you start mowing the lawn and painting fences, then I'll start doing childcare.

Also to say that my ex's Very Important Tasks included things like making a barbeque out of scrap metal, modifying some shoes by gluing bits of metal to the outside and painting it (etc. etc.). He'd basically go outside to do these "VIT" and I'd discover later when wondering where the heck he'd gone, and they were very much non-worthwhile hobby activities. He did also do decent tasks like cooking and cleaning, but again when I said I would like to do that whilst he played with DD (who was also around two years old), he really pushed back on it, or would do it for five minutes then head outside to vape, leaving me doing the task AND in charge of DD. Infuriating.

Have you thought about going away by yourself. A full week. Book holiday time for both of you, as if you were going to spend a week at home, then without warning tell him you’re off for the week. Or don’t even give him warning, just choose a week you know he has nowt special going on and therefore WILL have to adjust work in same way as he would have to if you were ill.

then go away. Send him text to say you’ll only respond to real emergency once he’s called police or ambulance! Don’t tell him where you’re going. Take school work if needed so you can use time to get on top of it, whilst you have that quiet uninterrupted time. Sod what it costs,if he doesn’t learn not to depend on you, it’ll cost you both way more in a divorce once resentments build up.

tell anyone who he might reach out to for babysitting/childminding to ignore him . Explain why. That it is to save your marriage for him to acknowledge that managing both kids 24/7 is relentless and exhausting and he needs to do more of his share of household and child raising brain numbing stuff- not just what he picks and chooses.

all the time you’re picking up his slack dad role, he will not change.

once you get back, you have to be clear about what you will and will not do. Not tryin*to tell him what to do. You tell him you will need 3 hours at weekend during day when you need to work (school stuff) and he is going to have to deal with kids. You will take,yourself,to library, or even in car somewhere while he learns this isn’t negotiable. He does cooking half the time- if he refuses don’t argue, just cook for yourself and kids that day. Don’t tell him you won’t cook for him. Let him find out. Stop doing his washing. I never did dh washing in 30 years of marriage. Or ironing. Not my job. Tell him he either pays for cleaner or he does half cleaning tasks you assign between you- if he refuses to do to your,standard you get cleaner anyway. Cleaners are an understated anti divorce service.
and so on. Don’t argue or ask him to do stuff. Tell him what you aren’t going to do anymore. And what you are now going to start to do. let him figure out his response.

Could you potentially put the 20 month old into nursery on one of your days off?

You both work equally in jobs - you are not some sahp!!!! Have a stern conversation with him. This is not on! Especially being a teacher with a shedload of stuff to check? He is shameless.

Just go out! Without children! You go off and walk the dog, or get your nails done, or read a book in a cafe, or do a class. If it causes an argument - so what? How is that worse than now when you might leave him anyway? Spark the argument, make him justify himself. But try reclaiming some child-free time for yourself first to see if it helps you cope.

PS it does get easier.

My partner is away Monday-Friday and tbh he does everything childcare wise at the weekends, we may go out together but 9/10 he's doing everything with and for our toddler. I'd be disappointed if he didn't want that solo time either.

WHY do you feel the need to take the children out "so DH can get on with what he needs to do" though? Probably the main tasks which children need to be kept away from are those with dangerous equipment or are noisy like lawnmowing, otherwise why not just potter around home while DH does his chores and meeting in the middle for lunch?

It's really unnecessary to take small children out and "entertain" them constantly, It's just exhausting for you - and them.

Honestly, I think you need to tell him you want a trial separation.

THEN if he wants to try to make things work, you need to both go to marriage counselling. He's never going to get there on his own. Because he doesn't want to and is just going to block you in order to maintain his comfortable status quo.

The only way to effect change is to force it. And hopefully, the separation would do that.

Two more things that occur (if you're still here, OP):

• I know typical 20 month olds aren't great at self-entertaining but it's a skill they can learn and it is really beneficial that they should, that's how they get to develop their own individual interests and preferences. Take inspiration from a busy minimally-staffed nursery room: the kids aren't being entertained there, they are entertaining themselves in a congenial environment. To some extent neglecting them is the best thing you can do!
• Don't pin too much on "it'll be easier when they're older". There's a variant on this common story where the point at which it is becoming easier and the woman thinks she finally gets some time to herself and with her DH is exactly when the DH goes off with a younger woman. To make matters worse he then claims that the reason for his affair is that the OW makes him feel valued...

I had this with DH when mine were small. He spent so much time gardening.

This Saturday go out all day. Don’t prep anything, no food, clothes, nothing. Walk out the door and have fun

Thanks for the replies. I have probably missed some as I have been wrangling children!

But there do seem to be three main school of thoughts running. So the first one is that I don’t think the tasks are essential and I am resentful of them, but that they are and that DH is showing his love for us in doing them. There is some truth in that I don’t see them as essential. I accept that some things need to be done but I don’t believe that they need to be done exactly when DH thinks they should. For the last four weekends he’s had so much time - as I’ve said, more than any other man with children I know - and it’s still not done, there are still more things that apparently need to be done. And moreover DH isn’t appreciative of the fact that I do give him space - once I get back there’s no ‘thanks so much for that, here, shall I have them for a bit?’ It’s just ‘oh but I still haven’t XYZ.’

Tied into this is that I take the children out too much. I see this a lot on here and I honestly think the posters have forgotten what preschool children are like. Sat in the house alone for a weekend while DH messes about in the garden (and no, we can’t just let them roam around if he’s using tools; DS is OK but not DD) - no thanks! We don’t go skydiving or anything but I believe it’s good for children to get out for walks and to visit farms or museums, plus DS is at an age where there’s often parties or whatever and that’s nice. This last Sunday for instance DD was home from when she woke at 6 to about 1, then home again from 430 ish until bedtime. So it’s hardly as if they’re never home but they do go out once a day, to a farm, park, walk in the woods or at a national trust sort of place, or during the week to a group or soft play or a role play cafe if the weather is bad. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this and I don’t plan to change it DH aside, which sounds more combative than I mean but it is upsetting when you know you’re actually doing a good job parenting and you get told you’re not, you’re doing it All Wrong.

Then a lot of posters do seem to get the issue and thank you - @MsMarch in particular. DH isn’t a bad man but as you say he’s lazy and a bit thoughtless. I guess what I want really is a ‘you’ve had the children and work all week, you must be shattered, here, let me take them for a bit on Saturday.’ But I never do, at most he takes one. Always DS

I know a lot of posters think the way to solve this problem is to leave for a weekend and honestly it isn’t. All that would happen would be chaos would reign, I’d come back to the house an absolute rubbish dump (and I don’t mean a bit of mess, I mean something that wouldn’t look out of place on a channel 5 documentary about chaotic living or something) and crying children and have to pick it all up again. Besides, I don’t know where I’d go on this weekend - a hotel stay would be pretty expensive and money is tight.

So what to do? I don’t know, I honestly don’t. All I can see at the moment is that I’ll have the children 365 days a year for the next however many years. I might get some respite for a day a week term time only for six hours if I stay part time when both kids are at school, but that will be it. I won’t see DH much, I’m in bed by 9 as I’m shattered, it feels a bit bleak. But then as people have said, is ending it any better? And for whom - I actually think at this point it would give me a better life but it wouldn’t give my children one.

So there we are. I wish I could say after posting there’s a resolution but I guess life’s not like that.

Totally get it OP. Does he know that things have gotten so bad you’re seriously considering leaving him just so he can step up and you get a built in break? If not, it’s time for a serious sit down chat and you do not let him get up from the discussion until he has committed in a real concrete way to doing better. He’s using this ‘busy work’ as an excuse to get out of his responsibilities as a parent. You need to be really clear about what things need to be like going forward.
No more faffing about with endless jobs while you entertain the children. Like you do, if there are jobs that need doing he waits till the kids are in bed (they are young so presumably in bed reasonably early and the evenings are getting lighter for outdoor jobs). Or, when it is apparent a job needs doing and it can’t wait till evening you both discuss how long it should take and set aside a limited period of time. If these are jobs that can be shared, share them ie you do some while he cares for the kids. That might mean one job only per weekend that takes one morning or one afternoon and the rest of the time he is an engaged involved father and you are not constantly caring for them on your own.
Both of you should have time for yourself set aside to pursue hobbies, meet friends, whatever you want to do.
He needs to know what the reality would be if you separated. If he wanted to be more than just an alternate weekend dad he would need to rethink everything about how he lives his life. If he wants to continue to be a family he must step up and he must do it now or you will be consulting a solicitor and getting your ducks in order. And mean it.

Any other posters want to list the pointless shit their husbands have done to avoid childcare?

mine are:

he made a welly boot stand from scratch (dc1 was a newborn) took him a few weeks to source the exact wood. Etc

he rustic painted 3 end tables (that slot into each other). With chalk paint and then sanded down. They look rubbish, took him a few days
(dc1 still under 12 months)

made himself a bill tong drying box with light bulbs etc. spent many weekend mixing spices and going to various butchers. (Dc1 between 1-3 years old)

washes the car every single weekend

bought a lock picking set off Amazon to give himself a new hobby

built a shed

chucked our perfectly fine bbq and bought a new one £1000 and spent weekend time perfectly his bbq recipes

day long bike rides (8+ hours) on a Saturday and then sleeps all day Sunday because he’s tired from saturday

joined a tennis club and bought himself weekly lessons. (With a toddler and newborn at home)

recently did a PADI scuba course on our week long holiday leaving me with 1 yo and 4 yo old every day while he left for 6 plus hours a day to scuba.

training for a marathon (while we have a 1 yo and 4yo) and due a third baby shortly. Marathon is in a different country and 1 week before baby due date.

there’s more tbh

didn’t read all but spending time with children isn’t exclusive to taking them out! home projects are fantastic for kids even as young as two!

Firstly, @arealliveknight - you are NOT a 'fucking idiot'. You are in an exhausting and difficult phase of life, and the person who should be working alongside you to make life a bit easier, is not doing so.

I think you need to find a time without the children and sit down for what Americans call a 'Come to Jesus' talk. You need to say bluntly that you are almost broken by the way things are at the moment. That it is wrong and unfair that you never get time without both children, nor do you get to do the tasks you have to do without juggling looking after them at the same time, whereas he gets to decide to trim the hedges or whatever, without having to give a second thought to who will be caring for the children while he does it.

He needs to understand that this is completely unfair on you, and he needs to hear starkly and bluntly how much damage this is doing to the relationship between the two of you. Tell him you are actually wondering whether the relationship can last, if things don't change dramatically.

I think you need to be able to give him concrete examples of his behaviour, and how it needs to change, and you need to have some things that you want him to do - for example, he needs to commit to giving you time without the children, even if that means the DIY or gardening have to take a back seat. He needs to start helping with bath time and bedtime, with the intention that he should be able to do it on his own up to half the time, so you get a break. He needs to help with the tidying up indoors, after their bedtime - and needs to realise that, unlike hedge trimming etc, this is a DAILY task, and is as much his responsibility as it is yours.