Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

He won’t tell you where you stand so take some control back by breaking up and telling him to leave.

I think it sounds like text book other women but keeping you on the back burner incase it doesn’t work out or because he needs somewhere to stay.

He’s all but ended the relationship so don’t like him treat you this way.

It is really difficult as I still want to remain married and would like to try to make it work. I can't work out if he is taking time to process things and work out what he wants or if he is just waiting for the opportune moment to leave...

Yes. My friends/family have said the same, that he is being extremely childish. The fact this has been going on for the last 2 months feels crazy. He doesn't think 2 months is a long time because of how long he says he has been unhappy for... I feel I am being punished every day now. I spend all of my days feeling very anxious and sad.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

It may not be an affair but he sounds like he’s trying to push you all away.

My ex behaved like your DH and he was having an affair.

you don’t deserve this. Have it out with him and find out what is going on. Scary as the answer might be it’s better than being treated like shit and disrespected x

It sounds like he’s got one foot out of the door .., you need to help him and shut the door behind him.
He sounds unpredictable and cruel - and you must feel like you are walking on eggshells. It’s impossible to fix a relationship with a person like this. And it does sound like “The Script”.

I understand you want to stay married, but it takes 2. Your H sounds as if he’s targeted you for some nasty behaviour.

Your situation sounds awful. Your comments do suggest he’s hooked up with someone else, maybe keeping you and home as he realises what a divorce is going to cost him. Wanting his cake etc etc. Be alert, do what you can to safeguard yourself and the children, prepare financially if you can.

I would say he’s cheating and is justifying it by re-writing history and treating you like shit to “prove” it’s not a happy marriage.

You need to tell him to leave. It’s likely that once you take control and he realises that you’re serious he will backtrack pretty quickly and want to make things work. I hope by the time he does this that you’ve realised your worth and slam the door on his pathetic arse.

Show him the door OP.

He has already checked out of the marriage. He is behaving like an arsehole to get a reaction out of you. So he can prove that you are the problem. He's trying to find ways of justifying himself & his behaviour.

He is dead wood. Make the decision for him. He sounds like my ex. He belittled me, was nasty, horrible etc. All because he was too much of a coward to call time on the marriage. So he treated me like dirt, hoping I'd eventually do it & he could 'save face' and play the injured party.

For the marriage to work, you both need to be willing to make the effort. He is showing you with his every action that he's already checked out of the marriage. He may well have another woman waiting in the wings. If I were you, I'd be getting legal advice and preparing to separate and divorce. You need to be led by your head, not your heart and safeguarding yourself and your children financially.

You said you can't shake the feeling instincts is almost always right trust it. Tell him until he sorts himself out go and unless he agrees to counceller then no going back. Don't beg pester anything it has the opposite effect stay strong. But if he's a cheat he will do it again so I would have to find out perhaps get one of your friends to follow him so it's in a different car to yours when he does gym nights and so on. Never take back a cheater they always repeat. So sorry your going through this. I'm currently breaking up with my husband because well he's just a shitty husband I'm still devastated I was so in love with him I just know my worth. You should too x

Yes, @TheWarySwan, it sounds like he is cheating. He is creating great distance and finding fault to justify his infidelity and to make room to focus on OW.

As you need answers and the truth, I would absolutely investigate his phone and other devices, statements, pockets, car, work/gym bags, etc.

He really is shitting on you from a great height, @TheWarySwan. My advice: Take matters into your own hands and send him packing as a consequence of his abusive behavior. He needs to experience what losing you feels like, and you need time and space to process your thoughts. Knowledge is power, so consult with a solicitor to learn what your options are.

Cheating or not, I wouldn’t move forward with this horror of a man who is enjoying tearing you down.

Get ducks in a row, copies of documents, evidence of his earnings and contact solicitor. You are in control. You are powerful..you deserve better 💗

@TheWarySwan I'd certainly smell a rat. It's gut instinct.
Now is the time to empower yourself.
He'll trip up eventually and you should be ahead of the game and ready for it.

It's so confusing as he seems to feel very justified with the way he is behaving and tells me it's my fault because of things that have gone before when he was unhappy in our marriage. He's told me that by demanding to know where I stand, I am being controlling. I feel at a complete loss.

What do you want us to say op. Yes he’s having an affair?

There are other reasons to leave someone apart from infidelity. Being an arsehole is one of them. And that's what he is.

He’s like a teenager - being mean so you’ll be the one to end it and then it’s your fault.

Be the one to end it.

Sounds like classic OW and script to me

It's the script.
He is cheating.
It's not you, it's him.
You need to take steps to end the marriage and look after your own future.

I’m sorry to say to say this sounds text book, look up”The Script”. My ex DH did very similar, distant, picking fights, blaming me for everything etc.
I also wanted to keep the marriage together for the sake of our small children, he left and came back a few times.
Two years on, I’m newly divorced and he’s just moved in with the OH who I suspected from the start.
Take back your power. Wishing you luck.

He's probably cheating. He's justifying his behaviour to himself. With his behaviour he can say... she doesn't understand me, we aren't connected, we argue all the time.

If you've done things in the past that have hurt him these things aren't going to change by him hurting you in return. The willnt change because they are in the past. You can't change the past you can work on the present to improve the future. It sounds like he's totally checked out. He doesn't want things to get better. I'd take control NOW. His behaviour now is nasty and abusive. I wouldn't tolerate it. I'd tell him to get out.

Why do you want to stay together? He treats you like shit? How long will you tolerate his behaviour for? What do you think this is all showing your kids?

Relationships have ups and downs. You need to work in them. Trust me I'm 15 years in. Unless your both committed you haven't got a hope in hell.

I’ve read your latest message. Being left in limbo is cruel. I know as I’ve been there. We had months of me trying to make the relationship work after I confronted him with evidence of the affair. In hindsight he wasn’t trying at all & was lying all the way through our marriage counselling. Never admitted anything unless I had solid proof. He then moved in with his parents for a couple of months while he decided if he wanted to come back or not. He didn’t even tell me when he made the final decision, I found out as his parents mentioned they’d been with him to view a rental property. I honestly don’t know if I’d do the same again but it dragged it all out and was such a horrendous time.

Don’t believe what he says about it being your fault. Talk to someone in real life including counselling if you can. Try to plan for how splitting up would work out and what you’d want from that. If he doesn’t want to be in the relationship for whatever reason, then you can’t make him stay. Even how he is now would be very hard to come back from even if that’s what you both wanted.

I thought my ex leaving would be awful. I’m not going to lie, it’s not easy co-parenting but we make it work. I make the best of my life. It’s not the life I thought I would have but I am in a much happier relationship than I was.

He's behaving like a child, and trying to push you into finishing tge relationship, so he can be the victim. Stop pandering, tell him you have remembered who you are and what you deserve. Outline expectations, ask him to write a plan about how to improve things, which includes what he must change. Tell him you can't continue living this way, so it's either make some positive changes, or out.