Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

Agree with this.
My ex did the same, and he was having an affair.
So sorry you’re going through this.

So sorry he’s making you miserable - he sounds absolutely awful. He’ll obviously spend his life going through women and having children he’s not prepared to care and pay for.
Stay strong for your little ones, use your anger to help yourself get a better life.

Sorry saw this update and realised it was an old thread after I posted previous comment 🙃

Courts will usually support 50/50, as they deem it in the child’s best interest if there are no safeguarding concerns. It’s hugely frustrating and demeaning when you know what your own child’s best interests are, and when the other parent is financially motivated. The courts will not discuss financial things in childcare/family cases. This is separate (despite realistically being linked to finance stuff!).

He will need to attend mediation before filing court paperwork (unless exempt due to DV or similar). So I’d sit and wait for him to act for the childcare stuff.

I can't believe they can support 50/50 where it is clearly not in the child's best interests.

It's sad that I need to basically just live in hope that he won't go down the mediation/court route.

Given he’s already cancelled some contact already, hopefully a judge would see that he is clearly unable to do 50-50. The reason he won’t commit to EOW is probably because of his new woman. If he is living with her then presumably your DC would have to go there for their contact. I’d go to court rather than agree 50-50 as he clearly won’t manage it.

My ex wanted 50-50 and I went along with it as I knew it wouldn’t last and I couldn’t face going to court etc. It didn’t last long, they were soon back at mine permanently and only stayed overnight at his house very rarely. He did see them, but he couldn’t commit to pick ups etc. Well he could have, as his job would have allowed it, but he chose to prioritise his career instead. Then a couple of years later, he announced he was off on an overseas posting with work. Fast forward to 15yrs later and youngest is 18 in 6 months and he has been on 4 overseas posting, currently just started another, despite saying he wouldn’t go again until DD went to uni (next year). It’s such a joke men want 50-50 and cannot commit to it. You live near the school and can pick up every day, he needs to accept that he cannot provide the same and drop any 50-50 stuff. My kids didn’t like it for short time they did it and constantly needing stuff from the other house. It’s rarely in kids best interests.

I can't believe you're implying that it's her fault. Are you a man?

Or the other woman.!

I've found out who the other woman is!
Someone he has worked with for years and years, she's in an admin type role. She will have known about me and the kids and still went after him.
It has been going on since last Autumn which is longer than I thought.
I feel physically sick. I will never understand.

He probably is cheating, , talk to him, if he not been completely honest with you, you could threaten to leave him, try to talk to him.

I’m so sorry. It’s really shit. I truly empathise as I’ve been exactly there - it was someone he worked with who knew about me and our child. She got her claws in, and then he eventually left thinking the grass is greener. She’s also managed to ruin his relationship with his lovely family - we are all in shock that she’s been so crazy and he’s gone along with it. We can tell he’s not happy and being controlled. But he’s made his bed now.

Sending you strength. It may feel really awful now, but I promise it will ease. You will create a new wonderful life, and believe that you’ve always deserved better than that scumbag!!!

Maybe read the full thread or at least the OP’s updates before commenting- otherwise your comments look silly at best, insulting at worst.

Oh op, hand hold for you,
This cat and mouse game he has been playing, blaming you, making you doubt yourself op, but you always had a feeling (gut) didn't you, he has be relentless op in trying to break you down,

Well you keep going, you're been great riding this night mere wave he's had you on,
Stay strong 💪 op 💐

And your husband has a wife and children and still cheated. Don't put the blame all on her.

I think it’s 50/50 to blame however I am a woman’s woman and I think it’s wrong to go after a married man with kids. I don’t think the op was putting them blame solely on the other woman. However you need to understand it’s still quite shocking.

At no point in that post does she put all the blame on the OW, she just made a quite justified negative comment about her. I think OP sadly knows what her husband chose to do despite having a wife and children. I don’t think she needs reminding of that having just had devastating news, she’s hurting enough.
OP says she’ll never understand and neither will I. Personally I’ll never understand why women think it’s ok to sleep with a man with a wife and family, even when he’s the one to blame and doing all the pursuing.
OW aren’t innocent victims unless they are also being lied to. They also have choices and don’t need to be knowingly willing participants in somebody else’s choice to betray and abuse another, they could walk away, but they choose not to.
His behaviour is appalling to me and so is hers.
OP’s husband is to blame for choosing to have an an affair and the OW is to blame for being a willing participant despite knowing the pain she would cause others.
I once read a wise comment on here: “a grown woman is not a sacred cow.” It’s perfectly ok to call out women who behave badly, it doesn’t automatically mean that the poster is blame shifting to the woman at all or thinks the blame is the OW’s alone.

@TheWarySwan I’m so sorry, it must feel like the clock has been set back to the start again for you.
New information can really set you back despite all your strength and bravery. Be kind to yourself. They say the only pain worse than betrayal is the death of a child. Don’t underestimate it and take one day at a time.
Feel free to message if you need to, I know what this feels like.

Be strong, get angry and let your anger work for you. This is not your fault, you and your children have been betrayed and treated very badly - don’t allow him to scare or gaslight you.

Yes I definitely wasn't suggesting that the fault lies solely with the OW. I was just trying to say that it actually feels worse that she knows about me/our family and still did what she did anyway. I had in my head before I found out who it is, that perhaps she had been lied to by him. I am fully aware that my soon to be ex husband is massively in the wrong and responsible.

Yes, if he tries to go for 50/50 now it will be financially motivated. He expects me to pack bags and provide everything for the kids when they go to his, he is a glorified babysitter. I don't think he wants to have them anymore time, so it would purely be to reduce maintenance payments. Every time he has them on a weekend day he spends the day with his mum. Its like he just doesn't want to parent them alone. He doesn't ask after them when he is not with them, doesn't ask how kids went at hospital appointments or to see school reports etc.

@TheWarySwan I’m so sorry, that’s terrible. I think most of it might be financially motivated, a lot of it might be guilt in that contacting/ seeing you about the hurt children and hurt wife he left behind reminds him of what he’s done, sone of it might be appeasing and convincing a wary OW that he no longer cares for you or wants back in, but whatever motivates it, the primary driving factor is pure selfishness and self-image protection. There is nobody more selfish than a man or woman involved with a third party in their marriage. Affairs are pure selfishness. They are choices made to benefit one person and one person only at the expense of everybody else, because they either don’t want to upend their lives but want to have attention from elsewhere, or haven’t got the balls to be honest and say how they really feel.
He’ll have rewritten history to lie to himself and justify his actions, lied to you about what he was up to and lied to her about the true state of his life with you at home. All the lies protect his self-image and allow him to break rules and promises and cross the bounds of what constitutes basic moral decency for a human being. Don’t try to second guess any if it, anyone involved with a third party is in LaLa Land desperately trying to make selfish choices look understandable and justifiable. The OW will think she’s all that matters to him, but believe me, all that matters to him at the moment is him.
Don’t look for the husband he was, he’s managed to comprehensively trash that guy all by himself. Look at the man (I use that term in gender only) he is now and deal with that man.
You’ll never understand it, it defies logic and you end up questioning everything including your own judgment.
Look out for yourself and your children now and communicate as little as possible with him. Until he takes his head out if his arse he’s a totally untrustworthy dead loss.