Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

He's gaslighting you. His behaviour is the problem but he is making himself the victim and you the controlling bad guy. He's even changed his behaviour towards his children.

Please take the initiative and tell him to leave. It will be like a weight lifting off your shoulders. You will be upset and unhappy but you won't be second guessing yourself all the time and trying to live up to his completely unrealistic and unreason standards. You can never meet his needs/desires because it sounds like he is in love with somebody else so you will never be good enough for him.

There is another woman somewhere

Classic behaviour —- he makes you out to be the difficult one, nagging, controlling, any term he can think of. He then “ has” to leave for his own mental health ( sad looks, maybe squeeze out a tear)
He then meets a wonderful woman who understands him within weeks who he’d never ever had sex with before of course. Bollocks of course.

Gas lighting, lying, re-writing history, distancing himself, constantly on his phone...all kinda adds up to one thing doesn't it. I'm guessing you haven't actually said 'are you having an affair?' to him?

If you can't get near his tech, can you follow him when he goes out? Ask a close friend to follow him? I know, i know, that sounds OTT but he's clearly not going to be honest with you so you need to force his hand and you need evidence for that. For the sake of your mental health OP.

OP, this is textbook behaviour and the only reason he hasn't left yet is that it doesn't suit him. There will be OW out there, so prepare yourself for that.

The marriage is either over or it isn't. You don't need to sit around waiting for him to decide this, you can tell him that it is over and ask him to leave.

In the meantime, take copies of all docs, mortgage, loans, pensions, payslips etc, as more textbook behaviour is to start hiding the finances.

XH did this to me 13 years ago now. His behaviour was much as you described. I didn't want to believe it. I fought to save the marriage, I bent over backwards to be the perfect wife without all the flaws that he listed that I had. He is now married to the "she's just a friend" that set off my spidey senses.

But you can't save a marriage if only one party wants to. You can't save a marriage where 1 party is being nasty to the other.

He can't expect to live with you as if married, and have you do everything for him, and treat you like this. The more you bow down to him now, the worse you will feel when he does leave.

I think you need to realise that there is now, nothing that you can do to save the situation, so you need to take control of your own actions, and act rather than react.

Don't listen to this bullshit OP. He's leaving you because you didn't drive the kids round enough? What sort of ridiculousness is that? There's a reason he's grasping at straws OP, and I bet it's woman shaped. Making it your fault he had to cheat is as predictable as it is pathetic.

As horrible and hurtful this may be, I think you’re being extremely naive. I think you need to see a solicitor to start getting your ducks in a row so to speak. You might want to be with him still, though I don’t know why, but if he doesn’t want to be with you you can’t do much about it. He’s probably talking lots of shit about you to try and justify his bad behaviour. Seriously, be careful because he may screw you over properly.

Please stop letting him treat you like this and making changes to try and please him. He is being mean and making you sad and anxious on a daily basis and he doesn’t care. Chances are there is another woman, you don’t deserve to be treated badly, why do you want to stay married to him? I would start putting things in place so I can make an exit when I was ready, I’d also stop doing anything for him such as cooking his meals, washing his clothes etc and make plans when you’re off work to do things either on your own on occasion or with the children and possibly friends if you have some local and not include him in anything, see how he likes it and get used to the idea of not having him around…you might just prefer it

Start getting your ducks lined up ie your finances sorted.

My dad always did this sort of thing to my mum. Constantly blaming her and criticising her. I suspected he was sleeping around as soon as I understood what that was. He openly started seeing other women while still married to my mum as soon as I left home. She was always in denial or defending him. It broke her completely. He continues to act as though she was the problem, even now. Please be careful. Your children will pick up on this behaviour eventually and it’s very, very damaging, for girls and boys - though in different ways. It is possible that there are other explanations - problems at work, gambling etc but you need to get the truth and you need to be prepared to leave if it is as you suspect. Prioritise yourself and your kids. None of this is your fault. Men do this all the time. You have done nothing to deserve this.

Rewriting history is a classic cheater’s move. He’s trying to fake a narrative that you drove him to cheat and who would blame him considering how “awful” you are. It justifies the new relationship as true love and creates a fake story where he’s an angel for putting up with you.
He wants you to dump him so he can look like the victim and use this as proof that you’re abusive. When he announces the next woman, he will fudge the dates and pretend that they met after the split.

Write a private email to yourself with some stories that he’s invented about the past. When he tries to force a new narrative of the past, read your notes so you have a reminder of what really happened. For example you have so much free time because of 3x45 mins of gym and a monthly hair appointment - maybe you go to the gym when the kids are asleep and the dinner plates are in the dishwasher so there’s no actual “work” for him to do. You might prefer going earlier but out of consideration for him, you pick that time. Think about his free time. I bet he’s not thought about the effect on you and the kids. Did he ask before committing to those activities or did he assume ?

He’s laying the groundwork for when he’s ready to jump and creating a narrative that you are abusive and argumentative. He will be conveniently overlooking the part where his erratic behaviour has driven you to this and you want answers that he won’t give. There is only one way out of this trap- keep calm and get your ducks in a row. Right now there is nothing that you can do to change his mind - even if his mistress dumps him, he will only be back until the next woman. By behaving like this he’s demonstrating a total lack of respect for you. Cheaters are motivated by what they want and he’s happy with how things are right now. He thinks that you are too stupid to see his behaviour for what it is and that not shagging you atm shows that he’s a good guy for his mistress.
I understand why you want to make it work but that’s because you don’t know the whole truth and cheaters tend to only admit to what is provable.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this but taking what little control you have is the only way.
Splitting provides a possibility that he’s a better dad towards the kids as he only has to go through the motions part-time

Classic adulterer behaviour.

So sorry for you.

He’s pretty much checked out of the marriage and is possibly having an affair.
If I was you I get all my ducks in a row so when he decides to leave, you have all your finances and papers sorted.
I’m sorry this is happening to you but I would take control asap.

I'm sorry op, I would ask him to move out if he's treating you like that it's an awful environment

As others have said, regardless of whether he’s cheating or not, he is not behaving in a respectful way. It takes work to make a marriage work, and your acknowledgement of this and willingness to work on it is exactly how you should be… providing he works on it too. It does sound like doesn’t want to at all. I’d say he’s getting attention from someone else… speaking from past experience 😔 sorry you are going through this x

This is 100 % how my cheating ex behaved when he was desperate for OE to leave her husband. He was vile to me. I was expecting our 2nd child. After the initial shock etc I got angry and started calling the shots I'd had enough of his bs by then. Seriously it does get better, I wouldn't see him on my way now!. There is great advice on here. I wish you very best of luck going forward. You don't need him.

OP don’t tie yourself in knots trying to do more housework and childcare. He doesn’t care. They’re just excuses. You could do 100 percent of everything and he’d just find another reason to chide you because he’s decided the marriage is over but doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Don’t waste your time. Get legal advice as many of us have said. This is not salvageable, he wants out. Let him go with your dignity intact.

Yep! I’ll bet my house on it.
I’m reading this sh*t daily on here and it always unfolds the same way.

What I cannot fathom is how so many men get married play happy families for 5-10 years then suddenly realise they want their freedom and skip off and start again! The poor wife is left raising the children alone and fighting for money. It’s so bloody depressing.

I would be suspicious that he is cheating but I would say to him that he needs to leave the family home due to the way he is behaving and treating you and he can take the time to think about whether he wants to make the marriage work or not but you will not tolerate his current behaviour and attitude towards you go from there OP don’t be a doormat and don’t be allowing him to disrespect you and make you feel anxious and uncomfortable
good luck

He’s “punishing” you ?

No he’s being abusive to you. If he’s not willing to work in things then where do you expect to go from here ?

His potential infidelity at this stage isn’t what you should be concerned with as I would if he’s acting like this you aren’t being intimate anyway and if you are… why.

He’s openly being abusive to you in front of your children and being awful to them as well

Ask him to leave.

Update: I threatened to call the police when his abusive behaviour came to a head and from there he told me our marriage is over, done and finished. He has told me he will going for 50:50 custody of our children. He told me he is staying at his mums temporarily, however, I know this not to be true as his car is never there.

They all say they want 50/50…

Get legal advice asap.

I’m so sorry OP. It’s likely that he has another woman but at the this point it doesn’t matter. His mask has slipped and he has shown you how nasty he is willing to get to get what he wants.

Get a solicitor ASAP and report the abuse to the police. Think of your children. Don’t protect him any longer. He wouldn’t protect you.

Another grade A cunt. They all follow the same pattern. Of course he's threatening 50/50, but hates ferrying your kids around. 🙄 Good luck OP!

I’m so sorry you have been through this OP. None of it is your fault I hope you are realising this now. Yes I bet my house on there being an OW but it does not matter now. He’s a nasty, lying, gaslighting piece of shit.