Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

Get a solicitor asap OP and make them aware of everything, as other posters have suggested they all say they want 50/50. It’s a control tactic to frighten you and get you to accept what he wants. Be calm, don’t react to him and tell him your solicitor will sort the details with his. Also depending on the ages of your kids they do have a say in what this looks like.

In the meantime document how little he does now and what he will need to do to step up to 50/50 care, it’s not just sleeping over at his place half the time. At the appropriate time get your solicitor to ask how he intends to manage school drop off and pick ups, the holidays, sickness and absence from school. If he is intending to use his parents, make sure they are aware and if possible get their written confirmation. Get it all documented in a court order (he will more than likely start to back out at this point, but if he doesn’t you can go straight back to court to get the order amended.

Goes without saying he’s a piece of shit!

These people never really want 50:50. His girlfriend (if she exists) certainly won’t. It’s an empty threat.

But definitely see a solicitor and report the abuse to the police.

Update:
-He has not admitted being unfaithful
-Is insisting on coming to the house regularly to see the kids at bedtime - and using this as an opportunity to tear me down and to remind me I'm the reason our family is breaking up.

• Despite this all being very new and raw, he is demanding I tell him plans for child contact for this week (our kids are aged 2 and 5).
• He was pressuring me to tell him plans and was harassing me during the time I was trying to get the kids to bed.
• His suggestion for contact this week consisted of coming to the house 4 times for dinner, bath and bed and also taking the kids to extra curriculars on 2 days - does this sound reasonable?

Any advice? I am feeling very protective of my kids and although I will never deny contact, I don't feel he needs to be that present right now when things are so raw.

@TheWarySwan please only communicate with your husband via a solicitor regarding arrangements for the children . If you don’t have one, please get one tomorrow. Block him on what’s app ect and formalise communication to emails. I am sorry you are going through this. He sounds hateful towards you, def another woman I am afraid. Be very business life and matter of fact with him and do not have him for bedtimes every night, this bastard will destroy your mental health. Big hugs x

So he’s wanting you to cook him dinner 4x this week? Cool.

No, it's not reasonable. I wouldn't have him in the house at all.

Don’t let him come and go as he pleases making you feel shit in the process. He’s made the decision to separate and has moved out. If you jointly own the house you can’t change the locks but I don’t think there is an issue if you bolt the door when you are there so you have control over when he visits.

Give him some options of when to see the kids that is convenient for you. Perhaps offer to drop the kids at his parents if he is supposedly staying there or alternatively allow him access to the house and leave while he spends time with the kids. Let him do it on his own like he wants. I would put it in writing so you can show you are being reasonable but won’t allow him to harass you or better still get a lawyer to do it on your behalf.

And you're going to sit there and take that?

No. Tell him it's his own fault if he was unhappy in the marriage but couldn't behave like an adult and tell you much earlier, with the goal of working together to fix it through counseling or whatever.

And if he's unwilling to work to fix it now that it has come out, then he knows where the door is.

You are not responsible for another person's happiness, especially if said person is incapable of communicating properly and is unwilling to engage in conflict resolution. In fact, it shows how little care/respect he has for you/your marriage entirely. Which is why I call BS on his claims at unhappiness.

Kick him out and don't do the pick me dance. You deserve better.

Edit - response was from reading first page only...I see he has moved out. You are better off without him

As someone who has just found out the awful truth about my relationship I would be very suspicious I say around doubting everything for a very long time believing all the crap he told me must say I never knew he was such a good liar, I would ask him straight ask to see his phone or bank statements as if he says no it would suggest he’s hiding something I have been very stupid for a long time I really hope your husband isn’t don’t live with doubt as it really messes with your head

Ring Women's Aid. It doesn't matter if he hasn't hit you (yet), you are exiting an abusive relationship and that is a very risky time for both you and your children. You need to protect them and you by shining a light on his behaviour, abuse thrives in secrecy. Ring them and form a safety plan so that you can start to build a life without him.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I can't stop blaming myself. He's got inside my head. I feel deep regret as I don't want to be responsible for our family breaking up

If his aim is to tear you down he’s succeeding.
He’s left the marital home, is probably cheating and you are blaming yourself?
There is nothing to regret. The marriage is over because of his behaviours. He is treating his former home like a drop in where he gets fed, insults you, and leaves.
You need to find your anger OP and do not cook him meals when he comes. He’s a nasty piece of work.

OP, I would recommend accessing some counselling and legal advice - if you are an employee, lots of employers offer a free employee assistance programme which offer these services. You feel destabilised and you need professionals in your corner, to listen to you.

If your employer doesn't offer this, there are industry specific charities that offer similar services.

You've also been 'trained' by him to always feel like you have to respond. You don't need to do this anymore. Instead of allowing him to come and go as he pleases, he needs to be mindful this is a big change for your kids. Have some stock phrases ready - Let's talk about this when the kids are settled and in bed, I'm not discussing this with you right now, let's find a time to talk about this when we're not putting the kids to bed.

You need to stop talking to him and listening to him. Unless it's about the kids, it serves no purpose. He's just trying to make you the bad gut. If he wasn't being shady and abusive you would be where you are. I wouldn't have him in the house for contact. He can collect and drop the children at the door. You need to start instilling boundaries. I would agree to him taking the kids to their clubs (as long as your happy with that) and contact either one weekend day or two days every other weekend. You also need weekend time to do fun things with the kids.

I sending the counselling. You need a space to think and process. Dont let him manipulate you to go back to him.

All of this. This was my exh except he didn’t have an OW, he had hundreds - shagging escorts for over a decade. Towards the end he had completely checked out and had me believing I was this awful person - laying the groundwork for being the victim. It worked with some people, needless to say they are no longer my friends

Yep cheating. All the signs are there.

Sorry, welcome to the club.

@TheWarySwan - he’s in your head. He’s trained you so that you hear his voice instead of your own. But you don’t have to obey him or accept his version of events. It will take a while for you to get used to hearing your own voice but start practising now.

Even if you have made mistakes, he is the one that has walked away. I'm assuming your mistakes are small, annoying niggles that have got too him rather than big mistakes like cheating, bankrupting him or pushing his dear old mum down the stairs type thing. So him leaving is on him not you. He didn't and still hasn't told you why he is really leaving and will absolutely not attempt to to work on things. You haven't got anything to feel guilty about

Yes it's more things he thinks I haven't done enough of and that he felt he was doing more. We each had our roles when it came to looking after the kids and he feels he did more, whereas I disagree. There is more to parenting than pick ups, drop offs and bath time etc and he doesn't seem to understand that. I picked up a lot of the slack elsewhere. I offered to change things and look at where I could help more and told him I'd be willing to explore anything but he told me it was too late and he couldn't get past it.

This evening he came to see the kids and used the time in the house to look in the fridge and pass judgement. He commented on how there are a few out of date things in there (which I hadn't got around to chucking due to the circumstances) and how I didn't have any fruit in for the kids. He raised his voice and was irate about it. It felt as though he was trying to insinuate I am an unfit mother as I hadn't sorted the fridge or had chance to do another food shop. It was very intimidating. He did all of this in front of the kids. I told him to leave if he didn't have anything good to say and so he did.

I’m relating to this so much! I have a thread at the minute too. Mine said he hadn’t cheated, was unhappy for a long time, etc! Then said we would work on it. Found out last week that I was right all along.
He’s cheated…and is trying to make you feel like it’s your fault. It isn’t! It’s him x

Please don’t let him in the house anymore. You need time to find your feet. You can be a good mum and have bad days so don’t beat yourself up. Do you have any family that can give you a helping hand as your situation is hard. No value in him coming to see the kids. Have you got any legal advice yet?

Don’t let him back in the house.

You need legal support.

-edited to say - I’ve just seen from PP it looks like he is no longer with you but I don’t have time to read all the posts and I won’t be able to edit this later so apologies if the following is towel irrelevant - I still feel the first point pertains though - good luck OP X

Take matters into your own hands and send him packing as a consequence of his abusive behavior. He needs to experience what losing you feels like, and you need time and space to process your thoughts.

I don’t disagree with this post, but when they and other posters advise an OP to boot the man’s arse out the door etc, how does that actually work in practise?

It’s understandable, often justified, but how exactly do you convince a man (who OP had said is determined to make her life a living hell right now) to pack his bags and voluntarily leave his house forever/ a time specified by the woman he seemingly hates and has a massive problem with, how does that happen? Is it believable that he will suddenly stop being a shit to her and think, ‘ah ok, where’s my spare travel bag and work clothes…?’ and just leave until she tells him he can come back? Really?

He’s more likely to tell her to leave if she has a problem bc he’s not going anywhere, as it’s his house, or his house too (if it is) and then what? She can’t force him to leave unless she or the children are in physical danger.

Advising a woman to just tell her partner to get out when she’s fed up with their behaviour only has a shred of hope happening when the man is feeling guilty and wants to smooth things over - this man clearly doesn’t as he’s blaming OP.

Again - how does she tell him to leave with any hope of him actually doing this? ‘Think of me and the children?’ He clearly doesn’t give a shit from what she’s described, so that won’t work.

More plausible advice would be for OP to take herself and the children out the house instead, but that’s obviously far from ideal and would be playing right into his hands if he is having an affair, not to mention when it comes to where she and the kids would be staying after separation/divorce.

I’m very sorry you’re going through this OP. It does sound like he’s having an affair, but it may be something else that is bothering him intensely and he’s masking his anxiety and misdirecting his negative feelings by being hateful towards you. This could be health or work related, financial, a midlife crisis, problems with his parents or siblings, any number of things.

Although he doesn’t deserve it, I think all you can do for now try to shut down any arguments by walking away or telling him you’re happy to talk, but won’t be talking right now until he is calm etc. so he can’t accuse you of ignoring or stonewalling him.

If you feel you can, maybe offer him the chance to talk to you calmly about anything that may be worrying him, as you love him and really miss the kind, sensitive (all that you described earlier) man you married and were still living with 2 months ago. You’ve noticed a change in his behaviour and it is worrying you and making you unhappy bc you love and care about him. It’s also going to be affecting your children and you should both be putting them first so he owes it to everybody to try to explain what’s really bothering him so you can work on a solution together. He may throw it back in your face, in which case you’ve at least given him the opportunity to mend things between you and for you to try to help him in a caring and adult way. If he won’t take it there’s nothing you can do, and though it hurts now you will be happier without his hideous presence in your lives every day.

You then see a solicitor, get financial advice, try to obtain as much info regarding his and your shares finances as possible.

I’m sorry you and your children are going through this, OP. I hope everything works out well for you all 💐

He won’t listen to reason because he never wanted to compromise, you have to be the one who made all the mistakes, who doesn’t do enough, who left him with no other option. I suspect every time he comes home he feels guilty because he knows you do a good job and gets frustrated because you being kind and conciliatory and doing a good job won’t fit the narrative he has created around you to “justify” what he is doing.
Looking in the fridge is him absolutely having to find fault, any fault at all, to be able to tell himself he’s done nothing wrong and you are the bad guy.
Enough now, he sees the children on your terms and every time he tries to blame you, tell him it takes two to make a marriage, he contributed his share of problems including and especially this huge one. He is the one walking away, saying it’s too late to work on anything, you are the one prepared to work on it, he is the quitter who is breaking up the family, not you.
You are not to blame for his cheating, cheating is also completely down to him, not you. Cheating is always, always, the choice and responsibility of the cheat, nobody forces them to, they have many other morally upright options.

Stop listening to his bullshit, bring back the control and tell him as he’s the one walking away and damaging the children’s welfare, you are going to dictate what happens next for their stability and benefit. He chose to walk out, he no longer lives there and doesn’t get to pick and choose when to walk back in.