Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

Op that’s really not on, he’s being nasty and gaslighting you. Have you asked him if there is another woman? Tell him you know what he’s been up to and see how he reacts!

He's not interested and doesn't believe that anyway: by telling you that this is mostly down to you, he has got you looking inward to see where you could do better, because he doesn't want you casting your eye about and finding the real source of his change in behaviour. You picking up and doing more is going to make him worse towards you. You are doing what he wants you to do.

Private detective if you want proof for your own sake. You could show him photos of him with his tongue down her throat and he'd tell you, it's not what it looks like/it's photoshopped/ it's not him /it was a one off fling from years ago etc. There's no gotcha to be had.

He will do classic denial if confronted. OP should just assume there is, tell him to fuck off to her and get him to go. It would knock the wind out of his sails and knock the shine off whoever he's got lined up. There will be someone lined up.

Same and I've been on here for donkey's years. I'm sorry OP.

I always recommend Chump lady's book Leave a Cheater and Gain a Life. Her website is excellent too.

Yeah, it's over from his point of view. You haven't mentioned how many times you DTD - or if it's active. That's very important to men.

Really sounds like he’s got someone else and is going to blame you for him having an affair, but it’s absolutely not your fault! He’s saying all of this to ease his conscience. He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

Yes, exactly as PP have said, he's behaving very poorly so you will ask him to leave. Been there, but ex ended up leaving as I wasn't taking the hint quickly enough! If he's been unhappy for sooo long, why didn't he use his words and let you know at the time? It does not justify his current behaviour, get legal advice, figure out what that will mean for you day to day in terms of where you will live, child care etc, be practical, put your children and yourself first and then help him get his other foot out the door.

Well closeness and intimacy and not sharing your husband with other women is important to women so he can go fuck himself.

Op read the script

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2558126-The-Cheating-Mans-Script

If you want concrete proof and feel you need it hire a PI. Cheating can cause a form of ptsd in the person who was cheated on. Cheating is abuse (risk of emotional harm and sexual transmitted disease that can cause infertility or worse), it also usually involves gaslighting and emotional abuse. So if feel you need evidence hire a PI and get what you need. The priority here is YOU as you need to be as healthy mentally and physically for you and your children.

You don’t need evidence to leave (of course). His behaviour is enough to leave.

The website surviving infidelity is a good resource. Lots of advice.

Oh, OP, he is 100% following the Script.

Taking no responsibility, making you feel responsible, blaming you. And did he say any of this at the time?? No. So he expected you to be a mind reader?! He’s rewriting history and being a real shit. He is not your friend. He’s not on your side.

He’s making you feel sad, anxious and uncomfortable in your own home. Time to take control and tell him to leave.

Does your husband also have 45 minutes three times per week to pursue a hobby?
I would seek counselling.
Also do some sleuthing. Do you both have trackers on your cars for theft reasons?
You do need to have proof of an affair. Maybe your DH has just reached a point where he is ripe for an affair.
So couples counselling might help you split up responsibilities more fairly and see each other with respect.

If he was wonderful a few months ago, something drastic will have happened. I suggest you find out the other side of the story before telling people to GFT. OP is probably not being impartial and appreciates the sympathy.
"He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew" which means something drastic has happened within 2 months which we don't know about.

Well if its down to a lack of sex, he can go fuck himself.

OP, he is cheating; I’d bet my flat on it. Whether you will get proof is doubtful though, and if you ask him he will deny it and claim you’re mad, jealous, controlling blah blah. There is no point trying to stay with someone who has no intention of staying with you. You could become the “perfect” wife (whatever that is!) overnight and he wouldn’t see it because his mind is made up. Guilt and cowardice is making him stay. He will continue to be horrible though because he wants to make you into the reason why he feels terrible, rather than face his own behaviour. If he demonises you, he can tell himself he’s not a bad person.

Do not tell him what you are doing but get copies of bank statements, savings account details, proof of ownership of any assets you have. When he leaves, and he will, he will try to hide money from you. Make sure you have a very clear picture of your finances before you tell him to go to hell.

And if a man or woman is unhappy with the quantity/quality of sex they can:

a) talk about it, maybe suggest counselling
b) shut up and put up
c) leave

option d) skulk around like a sly teenager who’s snogging his best mates girl behind the bike shed - isn’t a great look at 14 never mind as a middle aged man.

If people thought being a cheat was a great look they would tell their friends and family they are cheating. They would admit it, instead they make excuses when caught ‘my marriage was over anyway’ , ‘we never had sex anymore’ , ‘s/he was probably cheating on me’.

You cannot make someone cheat or remain faithful - sadly you are not that powerful. It’s a choice. You cross hundreds of boundaries to cheat.

I am faithful for me, my husband is very annoying at times. I chose to stand in front of friends and family and make vows. I gave my word and my word matters to me, who am I if my word means nothing. I said I would be faithful so I am. It’s a choice I make daily and it has nothing to do with my husband. I choose it for me. Cheating is easy, I can just click on a website and find someone to cheat with. I choose to be faithful for me and my husband is my collateral damage.

Op look after yourself. At the moment he is sat on the fence, you need to to push him off quickly if you want a chance at saving your marriage.

he thinks he is controlling the narrative here, so take control of this yourself and muster all the courage you can get and tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable, tell him the kids don't deserve his treatment of them, neither do you and you are tired of how all of this makes your house feel

Tell him that he needs to leave until his behaviour returns to normal. pull the rug from under him, shock him.

put him on the back foot. Tell him you are happy to enter counselling once he has had a chance to work our why he is doing this, but that it won't continue past today. He is telling you that he has been unhappy for ages, the answer to that is to try to fix it and not make everyone else miserable in the process.

Yes, it does sound like the script, so short circuit it now and you may blow up whatever is turning his head. he's lining up a soft place to land, but he is not ready for it, so now is a good time to change the dynamic

I think even if he isn’t cheating, he’s already checked out. To me it sounds like he expected you to initiate a break up 2 months ago when you had the chat about everything he was ‘unhappy’ with (so that you would be the one to end it, not him), and because you didn’t do that he’s starting to resent it and/or trying to make things worse to force you into leaving him.

It’s spineless and cowardly, regardless of whether another woman is involved or not, he’s done but doesn’t have the balls to own up to it. I understand the need to know but from my point of view I’d still start preparing to ask him to leave.

You don't need to proof why is he being awful? He is awful, full stop.
This is no about he is doing this because of that and is/isnt my fault. This is about him choosing to be awful to the people he should care the most.
There is not reasoning behind that, there are just poor excuses.
It is a strategy to make you loose your patience, self esteem etc.
Let's say you got the proof you are looking for, he will backfire with that because you have been snooping etc. Don't give him that chance.
I know is easier to say it than to do it, but I lived what you are living now a couple of years ago. I found my peace they day I realise he is an in mature twat therefore I should not look for answers to wrong behaviors.

He has put you in such a shit situation. Tbh I don't think you have many options here, but I sure as hell wouldn't be sitting round waiting on his "decision". I'd tell him it's over, make arrangements regarding the kids and divorce and have a good night out with your friends. IF he is just pouting it should scare him and snap him out of it and you can at least talk about the relationship. If there is someone else (which unfortunately sounds like there is) it will at least bring things to a head - you cannot carry on like this. All the while you are desperately trying to work on things he is likely having his cake and eating it and feeling pretty smug that he has 2 women interested in him. If there is another woman chances are the grass won't stay greener for long and he will end up trying to come back. It's completely up to you if you did take him back, but I really hope you remember how shit he has made you feel (regardless of if he is cheating or not) and move on with your life. My best friend was in a similar situation for years and he made her life miserable, destroyed herself esteem and cheated multiple times. Finally she left him and she is now in a great relationship with a man she adores and that worships the ground she walks on. There are better men out there life is far too short to put up with this sort of crap.

It sounds like he has checked out of the marriage already, it does sound like he is cheating.

He is blaming you for everything because if he doesn’t make it all your fault he would have to look at his own disgusting abusive disrespectful behaviour. As others have said you need to take back control, get legal advice, get documents and paperwork, then ask him to leave, it may make him realise what he is losing, it will give you back your self respect.

He's either having an affair or got a major gambling problem. Either way if you can't trust him you have no marriage.
So you need to quietly plan your future. Secure your finances, fill the freezer and stock up on food, kids clothes/shoes, get emotional support from others.
The first thing men do when they leave is empty bank accounts and savings accounts and rack up joint debts (credit card spending etc). Protect you and your kids.

I completely understand the need to find some proof.

I presume you aren’t able to see his bank transactions to see if there is anything odd there?

Honestly, I’m not sure it helps although it feels like it will. If you split up, I suspect a relationship would become apparent very soon and that’s your answer (even though he’s likely to swear blind it started after).

As others have mentioned, I presume he has time to himself like you get at the gym? Having exercise and time away for kids/work/housework is important.

edited for typos

He apparently doesn't need to if he's found someone else.

He is cheating.

Your priority now is to lay the groundwork to split. Do the planning secretly then hit him with it when you’re ready.

Keep making excuses for him, keep that energy.