Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

Can you self represent?

My friend offered 50/50 to her ex verbally saying it would be great to do one week on and one week off so she could date again and spend time doing her old hobbies and seeing friends. She would do drop offs in ‘going out’ clothes even when she wasn’t going anywhere.

Her ex wasn’t happy about her meeting a new man, so he said no. He now has them one night a week.

Of course if he is violent (to you or the children) or your life is in danger you must not do this.

But it’s clear he wants to do what will bother you the most.

@TheWarySwan

Then you specifically need to discuss the abuse with your solicitor and show any proof at all that you have. And whether or not he can be made to pay for the mediation.

I believe that mediation is normally the first step and I'm not sure it can be completely avoided without valid grounds. But again, shuttle mediation means that you will not have to be in the same room with him. And I do believe that a judge can order that mediation can be bypassed in cases of abuse.

I get about the costs of court. But it may be unavoidable so the best you might be able to hope for is (again) him having to pay court costs. Speak to your solicitor about the fact that your offer is reasonable and that his offer is absolutely not. That may weigh towards him having to pay court costs as he's being obstreperous.

And you also may want to discuss the timing and steps involved in forcing a sale just so that you know what it entails.

Can you apply for legal aid at all ? It’s usually awarded in abusive circumstances

Ignore his bluster.

He is displaying the same abusive behaviour and trying to frighten and intimidate you.

You might have to attend at least 1 mediation session to demonstrate that you were willing to be reasonable.

Go via CMS for child support.

He is highly unlikely to take you to court.

Hang on in there and know that you are not alone in what you are going through. He's a selfish piece of shit and you'll be well rid of him.

@TheWarySwanI would say please don’t be frightened of mediation. My husband had to do mediation with his ex wife. The mediator was a neutral solicitor and
was brutally honest. To both parties. She didn’t let either of them away with so much as a sly dig!

It may be the only way you get a fair settlement.

Update:

No further forward with mediation or court, he has not begun proceedings despite me agreeing to go to mediation (shuttle mediation).

He had agreed to contact on one weekend day 10-4 and a Tuesday after school/nursery. He had been doing this for 2/3 weeks. He cancelled the weekend day just gone citing 'plans that could not be changed' and has just cancelled Tuesday citing 'overnight work meetings'.

If he can't even stick to the limited contact he has now, how does he intend to do 50/50 like he has asked?

He has been notified by the school that school reports are out, he hasn't asked for a copy. He knew our youngest had a settling in session at a new nursery, he didn't ask how it went. Our daughter has an arts evening where she is showcasing something she's made and is very proud of, he has been notified and isn't going. I've purchased all uniform for the new year and everything else they need. How he can day he is their main carer is beyond me.

How will all of this be viewed in a court situation?

His lack of commitment to contact and lack of interest in the children won’t be viewed positively in light of request for 50/50.

He is proving he is not serious. I haven't read the whole thread but you are likely to end up with most of the time and decent support (if he has the money).

What an absolute loser - at least your children have a loving, caring and determined Mummy. Stay strong for them.

@TheWarySwan I’m sure you are, but please keep evidence of all this.

Keep a calender and mark ever contact that he cancels and his reason. Also keep records of everything he misses and everything you pay for.

has he given you anything towards maintenance or just the small amount you mentioned before?

I don’t believe he wants 50/50 or he would have compromised by now. It is all a control game I expect. Keep a record of when he cancels and changes dates also. I hope you realise what a decent parent you are being even though he is not.

@TheWarySwan

Document! Document, document, document!!! Keep a log of every cancellation, when you were notified, and the reason. All lack of interest in the children's schooling. Any attempts you've made to facilitate contact or interest him in their lives that have been rebuffed. Of course, a written log is 'just your word' and he can always deny what's in it.

You may want to consider using one of the various parenting apps. It contains a calendar and a messaging function (among other things). Everything there is a 'permanent record'. I know here (US) the ones that are 'court approved' can be used in court proceedings.

Keep a mote of every cancellation he makes and keep all messages between you to back this up. As well as receipts for things for your children. It sounds unlikely he will get 50/50 in light of all this. And to be honest it sounds like he will fizzle out of the kids lives like he did to his first. Whilst really hard for your kids I do think it's better in the long run than him dipping in and out and constantly letting them down, but this will probably mean payment will also be hit and miss if at all.

Sounds useful!

He wants you to kick him out so you look like the bad person. They all do it. They think it makes us look like bad guy. He’ll just lie and tell everyone it’s all your fault. They all work from the same script. It’s bizarre. You need to get your papers and finances in order before you do anything. You have to make sure your ok before he’s gone bc they really disappear for a few months.

Update:

He has stopped with solicitors letters and did not proceed with mediation despite me agreeing to mediate with him.

The summer holidays were split around 85/15. He did not take any annual leave to provide childcare.

He asked for an ongoing arrangement for when kids went back to school. I asked what his expectations were and he said one night in the week and one night each weekend. I agreed to this and he cancelled the first weekend after the plan had been implemented.

The arrangement is still ongoing. Does anybody know how a court would view him wanting 2 nights a week only to suddenly changing his mind to wanting 50/50 again?

I'm wanting to start the finance side off but I know this will mean he will use the kids as weapons and likely start threatening more child contact because he is financially motivated. Would the courts see he is only asking for more time because of finances?

Any advice appreciated.

If he wants more time then give it to him. You need to be clear that you will not pick up his slack. On his days, he is solely responsible for pick-ups and drop-offs, uniforms, pack lunches, homework, sickness, and school holidays. If he wants 50:50, it's his responsibility to sort that shit out. Then don't get involved. His days are his business. It will cost him more than his CM.

Initiate the finance side of things. Keep all evidence of how much contact he has. He is messing you about to keep you walking on eggshells & him in control. This will happen whether you start trying to get maintenance or not so you may as well start the process.

I don't want him to have 50/50 shared care as he has shown time and time again that the children are not his priority. He takes zero interest in their education, health, anything.

Oh and I still don't know who his new girlfriend is but I have been made aware that she has a young child also. What a mess.

Hi is it for him to reduce his maintenance? It seems as though it is. Just say no to the 50/50 it's not in the child's best interests when he's already messing them around and behaving inconsistent with the arrangement of 2 nights. Have you got a solicitor I advise getting one asap.