Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

Also - while you’re still with him, ‘grey rock’ him. If he picks on you, just reply blandly. Don’t let it appear he’s got to you. Be bland to him, but find your anger inside and make your plans to leave.

Need clarity from OP before making a judgment. There's always two sides to a story. There's something missing in this one.

This is The Script..... she'll emerge at some point.

My xh did the same to me. For 2 years my gut was saying something was going, but he persuaded me that I was wrong and it was stress making me think like that (ill elderly parents, who both died close together - with little / no support from him). By the time we'd given up "trying", I'd checked out too and didn't believe a word he said. 3 months after we separated he "suddenly" started seeing her......I literally laughed in his face when he told me.

Doesn't sound like he wants the same. Echo op who says you need to take control and get him to leave until he's mature enough for an adult conversation.

I think your relationship is done. Would you be able to forgive this treatment of you anyway?
Sounds like you do the lions share of parenting anyway.
Think of your self esteem, do you think you deserve this behaviour?

Whether or not he has someone else, he hates you. Don’t live like that, call it, take control. The man is a nasty snake to bully his own wife, if he does have an OW, kick him out and let her have him. Vile.

OP they all do this! Seriously my ex husband was exactly the same. Don’t fall for it. He wants you to kick him out so he can be the victim. He isn’t the fucking victim you are!

Grey rock! Get your ducks in a row! You cannot save this marriage please stop trying. But really you shouldn’t want to save it because he’s an absolute arsehole.

If he has never mentioned any of this before then it is just a diversion to guilt you into compliance while he swans around doing whatever the hell he wants.

Could you get a family member to covertly follow him when he goes out?

You need some sort of proof he is cheating to make you see it clearly, otherwise he could string you on like this forever and he knows it.

I haven't read the other responses to this thread but I did look at all your posts just now, I will say this sounds like threads I've read 500 times before on this site.

I've read enough variations of this threa over the last 6 years to tell you he's already decided the marriage is over. He just won't admit that he's a fucker to himself or you, it's too much mental anguish. So yeah, he's rewriting history. Trying to convince both you and himself that this is what he's been driven to. God, it's so predictable, it makes me laugh.

I think it's what they call "The Script".

He's 100% checked out and decided to leave. I cannot say that his head has been turned and he has found a new partner, but I suspect so.

Either way, I hate hate hate hate reading these threads where the husband has all the power and is keeping the wife dangling, while she is trying so hard to come to terms with the bombshell, sort things out, figure things out.

What I'd do in your shoes? Tell him to fuck off and pack up tonight, and go.

Reclaim the power and take it back for yourself.

If he really wants the marriage (and he doesn't) he'll let you know. He'll come back.

I'd text this:

"Been thinking and yeah - actually, you're right. The last few years have been shit! I mean, all you do is ferry the kids around a bit here and there and think you're the perfect parent. I'm annoyed that you've left me with all the school admin and mental load over the last 6 years - I thought this was just the season we're in and I was going to push through til the kids were older but actually, it seems like you have mentally checked out and you don't want that - so I agree, let's split. Oh god, what a relief. I already do so much by myself that I'm looking forward to going 50/50! I'll actually get some time to myself now while we co-parent. I say one of us does Weds-Sat and the other gets Sun-Wed so it's fair, and we get one weekend day with the kids each. But we can figure all that out when you've moved out and got yourself sorted. Need me to pick up some boxes for you on the way home, I'm driving past Aldi? We should have done this sooner!"

I think it sounds like he doesn’t have the guts to break up. If he treats you that badly and you ask him to leave then he can tell everyone that you broke off the marriage. Call him out on this OP especially if he’s taking it out on your children. Good luck OP.

If his current behavior—which, in my opinion, is completely unreasonable—isn’t enough to make you want to walk away, then gathering proof is understandable. He’ll deny it, but for your own sanity, I get why you’d want confirmation. It could also strengthen your position in a divorce or serve as evidence if you want to expose him to family and friends.

If you have the money, hiring a PI is likely the most effective route. I once heard a PI say they had never been hired by a wife to investigate a husband without uncovering something. So if you go down this path, be prepared for bad news.

If a PI isn’t an option, you could;
Go through pockets, drawers, and the car

Check his wallet
Check his work bag
Check his gym bag
Can you check his phone while he’s asleep? Look for hidden apps, folders, deleted messages, new contacts.
Do you share a computer or iPad, check browsing history, emails, or messages?
If you can get on his phone you can link WhatsApp or another device. Also check WhatsApp for hidden chats (Google how to do this).
• Check recently deleted photos and files—incase he has forgotten to clear them.
• Does he have a separate bank account or credit card? Can you get sight of these?
• Check for spending in odd times / locations or cash withdrawals.
• Do you use Find My iPhone or Life360 - if you can get on his phone and it’s an iPhone you could link his location to your phone
Put an old phone with tracking linked to your phone in his car.

• you, or a friend or family member to follow him when he goes to ‘the gym’
• If it’s a work affair and he works from home, he’s unlikely to leave clues on personal devices—check his work laptop or emails if you have access.
• Set up a nanny cam to see if he has any phone calls while you’re out, or has anyone to the house. Or to spy on his passwords..

There are entire subreddits on Reddit dedicated to catching cheaters.

This is all wild though isn’t it?
At a certain point, you might realize that just doing this much detective work means trust is already broken. If you feel like it’s consuming you, that might be your answer in itself.
And you might be better off putting that detective work into getting your ducks in a row - and if you might find things out that way.

He's way ahead of you and has put you firmly on the back foot and is making a massive effort to keep you there while he (or the OW) make a decision. If she bins him off, he will be back to normal with you but more so.

Been there, got the tee shirt.

Start collecting all the paperwork you need and get some legal advice because there is no scenario where you want this slimeball back in your life.

Get an STD check too.

This I’m spades 👍
Exhibit A www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5271675-husband-wants-to-leave-me-but-i-have-3-under-4?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

100% 'The script'.

Maybe he's cheating. Maybe he's not. But it seems irrelevant to me, as he has clearly checked out of your relationship and has no interest in trying to save it. If he is blaming you for everything he perceives to be wrong with it, there really is no way to fix it.

It almost sounds like you want him to be cheating to be able to seperate from him. But really you should tell him to leave now. In fact that might be the only way to salvage things - if he actually leaves and realises he's made a mistake. Not that I think that would be a good idea. He's treating you appallingly. You'd be better off without him.

Exact same thing happened to me, he was having an affair, wanting to leave and was attempting a reverse discard so he didn’t look bad for leaving us. Sadly I kept clinging and hanging in trying to make it work as I adored him. His behaviour towards me was cold and cruel. Everything he loved about me he suddenly hated. Eventually he ran off with her with no real closure for me. After months of counselling it’s clear I married a narcissist whose mask slipped.

The phone thing may not be cheating- he could just be avoiding real life by immersing himself in the online world

Okay, OP - think back, What happened two / three months ago? Did some new woman start at work (doesn't matter if they are married / have a boyfriend / are 17 - none of these matter to a cheat), or did an old friend get back in contact with him? I guarantee he will have mentioned her as they can't help themselves. Think back to what happened just before this started and you'll have your answer.

My exh behaved exactly like this and was having an affair. But wanted me to the one to 'call it ' so he was as nasty as he could possibly be (after being a kind considerate husband for many years) .
He wanted me to end a 36 year marriage and then he could suddenly 'find' a new partner as a single man .

Long story short. I eventually got proof. Ended it and he moved in with her.
She dumped him 2.5 years later and now he expresses regret. Tough! I have created a whole new life for myself and he's no longer part of it and never will be again.
Its very hard and I sympathise but try and do some stealth investigating (even though it's awful to do as we tend to be scared of what we may find) but it will give you clarity on how to move forward.

He's reading The Script. They're all the same. I'm sorry x

Has anything happpened at work. My best friends husband was behaving similar to this. Totally pushing her away and when she finally had enough and told him to leave they had a full frank discussion. She learnt he had made a blunder at work costing the company a huge amount of money and he was under investigation.

he thought she would judge him and want rid of him. He couldn’t deal with the stress in work and
havingf to be part of the family. They split for 4 months but eventually worked it out and
when he was sacked they survived that too.

It does not matter if he is cheating or not.

If you want to remain married, you have to be aware that he has changed and is no longer the person that held your dreams above their own etc.

He belittles you and your efforts, he has left in his head. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who will treat you like that every day.

Take care.

He's a controlling twat with one foot out the door, whether or not he's cheating.

Do yourself a favour, shove him over the threshold and lock the door behind his sorry arse.

The most important thing is that you consider how you will manage financially with children without him. Consider the ages of your children, what family support you have close by and how you will support yourself and your children. If you are not in a position to do so, take steps towards making independence from him viable. Also, do investigate. Check his phone and find out if he really is where he says he is when he goes out. Once you have done this and you find yourself in a position to be able to properly confront him, then get a family member or good friend to come around to your house (as witness and safety back up) before you sit him down and ask him directly what you need to know, or show him any evidence you might have gathered. At this point you can still decide that you want to work it out but at least you will be in a position to truly leave if you aren’t satisfied with his response. Make sure he knows that you can and will leave him if he messes you about at this point. You may have to bide your time a bit - I don’t know what your career/housing/family support situation is. But it’s best to sort this out as much as possible (as long as you and the children are not in danger) so that you and the kids don’t end up extremely vulnerable (to him or others).

But I would caution, op, given you have said you don’t want the marriage to end, don’t just say you’re ending it in the hope he will backtrack. There’s every chance he will say ok, seize the opportunity to pin the marriage breakdown on you; and you’ll never be able to tell your children it wasn’t you who called time. There’s no prizes either way so if you do want to leave, fine. But don’t do his dirty work for him in an attempt to shock him. You need a partner who doesn’t need to be game-played into staying.

I’ve known similar situations too.