Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

I think the more you dance around his nonsense and accept it, the more he will grow to feel nothing but contempt for you and that will crush you.

Salvage your self respect and tell him to leave. This lets him know you've faced up to the fact it's over between you and you are ready to move to divorce.

If there is an OW, and I'm convinced there is, he is now a STB EXH which may make him slightly less attractive for the OW esp if she's enjoying the thrill of an affair but doesn't want him around as a full time fixture in her life. Or she might, but it doesn't work out between them. It's at this point he may come crawling back, full of apologies but whatever you do, don't take him back. You have kept your dignity and you've offloaded a man who wasn't who you thought he was. You can never trust him again. Keeping your self respect enables you to navigate the future in a much healthier frame of mind - you will be heartbroken and it will take time to grieve your loss but you need to know you didn't debase yourself for a man who didn't respect you enough to treat you decently in bringing the marriage to an end.

If you feel you need solid proof he's cheating before throwing in the towel, hire a private detective or check your tech (phone, laptop etc) but I honestly wouldn't bother. She'll emerge from the woodwork as soon as he's out the house anyway.

He's probably being such a dick so you end it with him making you the bad guy

Kindly OP, he’s showing you exactly where you stand—in a relationship where everything that has gone wrong is your fault and where he does not have the respect to treat you with dignity and address the issues or leave. Even if you take responsibility and do all the work to fix things, he will still see himself as blameless and put in no effort to repair it. He has withdrawn, become unkind, and is mentally absent, leaving you feeling anxious and sad. Is this truly the kind of relationship you want to stay in?
And if you do, and he does a 180 - trust in him will be very damaged.

Based on his behavior, these reasons strongly suggests he may have someone else:
• Glued to his phone
• Avoiding you as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Leaving late in the evening for the gym or other outings
• Picking fights with you to create distance

And for these reasons he has emotionally checked out and is no longer invested in the relationship;
• He has completely changed how he acts around you.
• He lacks empathy, doesn’t care if you’re upset, insults and criticizes you, and constantly punishes you for whatever he thinks you’ve done wrong.
• He’s constantly angry, irritable, and impatient.
• He’s less patient than usual with your young children.

At this point, you have two choices:

1. Stay in this relationship, knowing that it won’t change because he doesn’t want it to. Put up with his treatment of you and expect at some point soon he is going to leave you anyway for someone else.
2. Gather your strength and tell him you’re ending things—likely the only thing that might make him realize what he stands to lose.

If you’re not ready to leave just yet, at the very least, start preparing yourself. For your own security and peace of mind:
• Speak to a solicitor.
• Gather all important paperwork.
• Assume he’s doing the same.
• Be aware that he may be hiding assets in preparation to leave.
• Mentally prepare for the possibility of becoming a single parent.

You may also want to look for evidence of an OW —there are enough red flags to justify it. Knowing the truth now will put you in a stronger position rather than waiting passively for him to leave for her.

Marriage takes effort from both partners, and he’s doing the opposite of that. You don’t need to ask where you stand—he’s already made it clear. The only conversation worth having is that you will not tolerate this treatment. Either he steps up and makes an effort to repair things, or he leaves. But if he’s already involved with someone else, even that conversation may not be worth having. Finding out the truth about the OW should be your first step because he’s highly unlikely to admit it on his own.
This is horrible for you, and I’m so sorry he’s putting you through this. You don’t need to put up with it but I know leaving feels impossible when it’s not what you want.

He is laying the ground where he is the poor victim. He is forcing you to end the things so he can tell everyone you are the bad guy. You force him to cheat,or to be angry etc.
It is a tactic. Don't play the game. Easy to say it than to do but don't play it. If he wants to go tell him clearly he is free to f off but treating you or the kids badly is not an option.
I know this because of my own experience. The moment you stop feeding them what they want you will get the standing ground.
You can't force him to stay or to love you, but you can tell him very clearly he is welcome to leave as he wish.

Either he’s a spineless scumbag who is behaving awfully so that you have no choice but to end things (so he’s not perceived as the bad guy) or, more likely, he has found someone else and is busy rewriting the history of your relationship so that he can move on without feeling like the bad guy.

Whichever, he is gaslighting you and is not on your side. You need to get away from him. I’m so sorry

I have never seen a thread on here like this where the man isn’t cheating.
Never.
This man is no longer your husband, or even your friend.

I think now would be the time if you insist on trying to stay to find out if he has another woman. But get your ducks in a row. Regardless of if there is an ow, you will become a shadow of yourself if you allow his shitty behaviour towards you to continue.

I feel like I need to know if there is somebody else so I can have closure and understand that this isn't my fault. I'm really struggling as he has convinced me everything is my fault and the treatment I am getting is my fault. I can't get near his phone or any of his tech things. I don't know how I can prove it.

You don’t need “proof” these days OP. Don’t bother with that.

Eventually he will leave you, attributing much of the blame to you. He is in charge of the timetable which is not good…..he may already be squirrelling money away, he may have sought legal advice, he may have discussed finances with his girlfriend (it is likely she exists). He is ahead of you.

You need to catch up with him and see a solicitor (quietly) this week. Use your head not your heart. Safeguard your future and that of your children.

Let him go. It’s impossible to have any kind of marriage when one partner desperately wants to leave. You deserve better.

He is keeping you as a back up and hoping YOU break it off by being so cruel. But in all honesty go get better lovely

My husband did identical behaviour. Categorically denied there was someone else. Told me it was me, that if changed, I was a negative person, he didn’t love me anymore. I felt everything he said was wrong with our marriage was eminently fixable. He refused joint counselling. Took himself off to see a therapist. Kept me guessing for weeks as to where I stood then finally said he wants a divorce and still denied an affair. Two months after asking for the divorce, I found a card sent to him from his mistress saying ‘happy one year anniversary.’

so yes it sounds to me like he’s having an affair but even if he isn’t, he has to want to work on your marriage. It doesn’t matter how hard you want it to work, if he’s not willing to try, it won’t work.

search for a book called Big Girl Pants by Lissa Collier on Amazon.

Even if hes not cheating, would that make you want to stay? Hes already given you enough of a reason to leave by the way hes treating you OP. You dont need proof of another woman to leave a bad relationship. Hes already told you he's not happy, clearly not willing to work on things, so why hasn't he left?
Personally I would say hes definitely cheating, all the classic signs are there. But again, why do you need proof? This relationship is over and deep down you know it, cheating or not cheating, things wont get better from this point onwards. Gather up your strength and just tell him to leave. You deserve better than to stay in a relationship like this, especially when your children are watching.

He's told you how he feels; you aren't listening and want to stay married so he's trying to make you feel how he does - unhappy!

Just interesting to hear what the actual reasons are. Obviously the story is one sided. Women tend not to know when a man is unhappy in a relationship unless they become unhappy. From his side, what is it that you don't do for example?

It's likely he's already cheating.

Also, even if he does have someone else, probably in his mind you are finished, so he isn’t cheating.

He had said he didn't feel that I did enough in terms of housework and ferrying the kids around. He thinks he did more of the ferrying the kids around and basically told me I haven't been good enough. I did explain to him that there is more to being a parent than doing that, but he won't listen. I explained that I am the provider of the emotional support, I buy all the kids clothes, plan their activities, arrange play dates for them, take them to do enriching activities, sit and do crafts with them, arrange appointments, carry out all admin for the family etc. I don't think he's ever taken the time to truly understand what I've contributed. It does feel as though he is re-writing history and has taken all context out of everything to suit his narrative. Since he expressed all of this I have picked up more of the slack and have told him that all he needs to do is communicate with me and we can change things around and make things better. I've even offered to change my hours/days at work to make things easier. There is no flexibility on his side. I just feel defeated.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Please, please be strong & trust your instincts. Your husband may never admit to his affair.

My ex husband met someone else & basically ‘checked out’ of our marriage. He made me believe that we both caused our relationship to break down. My mental health got ruined as I stopped trusting my instincts and my confidence was very low. He never ever admitted that he cheated even though the affair lasted years & he was with her for years after we split. I really wish I had been stronger & not let the situation drag on.

We have no family support around us so we have to work everything between ourselves. He said he started to resent me as he felt I had more time than him to do things. The only thing I did for myself was go to the gym for 45 mins 3 days a week as it is good for my mental health. I have no other hobbies or things I do for enjoyment.

Okay… brace yourself: You need “The Script”. (Look it up on here). You will see that he is following the same pattern of behaviour and treatment as every other cheating son of a bitch we hear about on here. Reading this will enable you to prepare and get a step or two ahead of him. He either is, or is about to cheat. Bastard.

The most likely explanation is that there is OW.

He isn’t quite ready to jump ship yet, he’s waiting for everything to be in alignment before he leaves you. Maybe OW is also married or some other complication? Is he expecting money?

I agree with PP. Take back control. Tell him he’s an energy sucking misery and you’re fed up with him, can he please fuck off?

Definitely get legal advice.

Well all the stuff you do with your kids, he will soon realise when he has to share custody of them won't he?

Honestly OP, for your own sanity, I'd tell him to piss off if it was me. You'll cope ok your own. You'll be okay. And if he tries to pin that shit on you, say "look mate, you had opportunity to discuss with me like an adult and a partner the things that were bothering you, but you chose not to and now you're behaving like a child about it. If you don't want the marriage, fine, do one, but don't come at me with your bullshit, I'm done" and show him the door.

Do NOT reduce your hours when you're potentially going to be single and have to support a family alone.

Oh my love.
He’s checked out of the marriage, but hasn’t got the balls to own it so he’s pushing and pushing you into being the bad guy whose fault it is it all went wrong, and yours alone.
it’s not going to be easy, as you say you want to remain married to him - but could you, I mean really? Now that he’s showed you what he is capable of? Could you ever really trust him again?
I think you need to accept it’s over, and start treating him transactionally rather than emotionally.
And I think, deep down, you already know where you stand - he’s already told you in not so many words.
Seek legal advice as to your options - this isn’t you being the bad guy, it’s you protecting yourself and your children.
I wish you all the love in the world. ❤️

I've been through this last year. My husband was having an affair. I would say yes it's very possible you're being cheated on, something i told myself moving forward is to always trust your gut instinct it's usually correct.