Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
__
This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
__
It's complicated and it's emotional.
__
The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

Yay! It’s not as hard as you think. Wishing you good things xx

I think it’s a bit sad when one partner has shut down the sex side of the relationship, but refuses to do anything about it (eg seek counselling) but at the same time prevents their spouse/partner from having those needs met elsewhere. It feels selfish to me. If there’s a temporary issue. You know like a medical issue, you would recover. But to say this is the permanent state and I’m not going to do anything about it is selfish. I don’t know if that’s a popular view. How deep did you really explore this idea with your DH? Was it a throw away remark or did you sit down and say actually you’re being very selfish. Either we see someone and try and make this work or you seriously consider a more flexible arrangement.

I was testing the water and I agree with everything you said. It’s not fair. We had a huge talk about out life last night. But we’ve done this before and nothing changes. I’ve had counselling. We’ve both had couples counselling but nothing changes. Fundamentally he can’t give me what I need, and that’s not just PIV, it’s the desire, the love, the connectedness that is part of that. He has issues he’s never addressed and I’m mentally and physically exhausted being the one constantly bringing it to the table, and he still doesn’t change. He does other stuff and sticks head in sand. I’m amazed I’ve not had an affair coz who could blame me. It would be easier to leave if he was a bastard but he’s a really good man and we have many similar interests.

Hope the move went well @BustyLaRoux ! This morning you can have tea and toast made with pink kettle and toaster 😊

following!

Tea and toast in pink kettle and toaster done. Was lovely. Kids stayed here last night. I made them dinner and watched TV cuddled up on the sofa. DP was here. I checked if the kids wanted him here or not. They said that would be nice. I double and triple checked and they said they like him more now they don’t have to live with him and would like it if he came over. He’s fine (kind, funny, nice) most of the time. He helps out (got the TV up and running which took ages). And then he got a cab home at about 9pm. It was quite strange saying goodbye to him. Very unusual. Very much hoping this best of both worlds set up will work.

Moving day was immense! Brother arrived early in hired lorry. DP had got extremely drunk the day before. Was exceptionally hungover. Was demoted to making tea for us all morning as about all he was good for! Me and brother did all the loading and furniture humping. I do a bit of weight lifting. Which came in handy!!

I also managed to lose my phone in a cab later that day. It hasn’t shown up. This was less than ideal. I could have gone into a panic, but was too tired frankly. I swallowed the bullet and bought a new one. Ouch! New attitude: shit happens, get on with it!! I can cope. I am a real grown up!

I feel rather empowered! Highly recommend considering doing “the impossible” to anyone who has considered it and ruled it out. I’m not going to be one of those annoying reformed smokers / weight loss people who suddenly go around telling everyone they can do it too! It isn’t always possible. And reasons are multiple and complex. I have had A LOT of support. On here, from my lovely family, my manager and, ironically, from DP. I am also in good physical health. Not everyone is as lucky. I know that.

You guys have been amazing to get me this far. I wouldn’t have done it without you cheering me on, but also in the early days of welcoming me and validating my feelings. I wasn’t going mad. I was right to trust my gut. Although I ignored those red flags for too long. As my friend said to me the other day (I think she got this off a film or TV show): “when you look at your relationship with rose tinted glasses, all the red flags just look like flags!” I liked that. It summed me up perfectly in the early days. And then I found you lot.

I just cried happy tears reading that @BustyLaRoux 😭so happy for you and very inspiring to read xx

Delighted for you, Busty ♥️♥️👏👏

Omg! That has made my day @BustyLaRoux. I never knew that a pink kettle could give me goose bumps head to toe. So proud of you 🩷💕

After hitting some sort of rock bottom a couple of weeks ago I'm going to start making plans for the 'impossible', whatever that might look like. My first step is to really focus on my health for a few weeks, eating well, sleeping (need Nytol and CBD to help with this), walks/fresh air/gentle exercise as felt really rubbish when I slid out of good habits for the past few weeks (partly due to tooth op meaning a change to soft diet for a while but back to normal food again now).

Whilst doing that I will also journal, do creative stuffs as well as re-connect with some lovely people in the village whom I know will be up for coffees and chats.

Then I need to look at the practical side of what I can possibly do. The Let Them book has helped me to see that I now need to Let Me choose the life I want to live and who I share it with.

These threads have been a lifeline and the often reoccurring discussions re abuse, narcissistic behaviour vs ASD etc has clarified that whether it's intentional or not, I am not ok with the affect it has on me.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore I journal every day. It really helps. Brings clarity. I’ve found that no one else can advise on any of this stuff. It needs to come from within. ‘Let Me’.

Thank you, I think that is it. It's as if I've been waiting for someone to give me permission or say 'yes he is abusive and you must leave'. When it's not as black and white as that.

Yet when I approached it with the Relate counsellor I probably didn't give the full picture and ended up giving him another chance, when I had hoped she'd confirmed I'd done the right thing in breaking up.

So yes, I am now onto 'Let Me'.

Why do you need permission from someone? Someone doesn’t have to be abusive or at fault for you to not want to stay. Whose business is it anyway it’s not like anyone is going to ask you to prove anything.

Because I've been worrying about how it would impact DD (10 yo, autistic and currently out of school whilst waiting for Specialist Provision), how H would cope and also how on earth I'd do from a practical point of view, due to finances and lack of external support. I guess it's a case of 'is it bad enough that I HAVE to leave' or can I stick it out for a few more years (or even make it work somehow although realised that is not likely). For a long time it also felt like a failure to end up in another dysfunctional marriage although I don't care about that now.

That sounds very logical and I’m not sure you can logically keep a relationship going. I don’t know but emotions tend to get in the way with the best intentions. How he handles it is up to him and not you. I can understand with your daughter though. It’s a lot for your brain to deal with and a simple solution would be ideal but nothing ever is for some of us. I don’t know why!

Thank you, I thibk I'm finally accepting that I'm not responsible for H's feeling and reactions and he will have to deal with it. It's also unkind to keep him in a marriage I don't really want to be in. Yes, I tend to think logically but my body and mind is starting to protest more and more so need to do something about it.

Just read this and started crying.
The thought of getting up and having tea and toast ALONE. No dh.
Things are fucking miserable just now and i want out.
Dh has been unwell for months now.
Apparently he was put on high blood pressure medication over a year ago. I was only made aware of this about 4 months ago. When I asked why he didn't tell me a year ago he said he thought I knew and he just forgot to mention it.
This medication is causing side effects that he just can't accept are just sideffects of his medication.
In 2 months he has seen 5 different doctors, an A&E visit, 2 physios, a massage therapist, 2 different chiropractors, and now on an acupuncturist.
ALL OF THEM have said its the medications sideffects.
He keeps insisting it must be something else . Parkinsons, MS, a brain tumor.
I ask what research he has done to think this. None whatsoever, "but it must be something "
He is off work now too, so my days are like fucking groundhog day.
He gives me a health update about 5 times a day. He does not talk about anything else, choosing to spend his days resting in his room.
Iam sympathetic as i have chronic pain from osteoarthritis, so i do understand, but life goes on. Shit needs done.
I know I sound like an uncaring bitch but I'm so fucking over him.

@BustyLaRoux I'm so so thrilled for you and your kids.
I wish you many lovely peaceful, drama free, cups of tea from your fabulous pink kettle.
So many of us on here counting down to our very own Pink kettle moment. 🩷

🩷☕💕

That is crap @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy and unfortunately resonate a lot with my H who has since I've known him been unwell with something or other. I absolutely do not want to minimise the pain of living with a chronic health condition but this is something else.

The things I can think of over the past 14 years are: foot issue requiring specialist appointments and specially made inserts, tinnitus which has required various home treatments and special purchases including ear candles, hip pain needing cortisone injection after specialist referals etc, knee issues, shoulder pain issues, prostatitis, blepharitis, rapid heart beat requiring ECGs (anxiety), toe issues, insomnia and probably various other things not listed here. Each which leads to periods of hyperfocused research, long lectures explaining it to me in detail, purchasing of various narural miracle cures and supplements and treatments. It becomes all consuming until the next issue becomes priority and so on.

These health issues are also apparently the reason he becomes snappy and irritable as he is tired and ill, all the time. Yet at the same time I have to care for a DD with complex needs as well as myself.

I probably sound unsympathetic but it's just one thing after another.

Thank you @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore
It's the unbelievable self absorption of it all. I sympathise that he is in discomfort and pain and he wants to talk about it. BUT the fact that that's all he wants to talk about at the expense of everything else is so exasperating.
I'm just really fed up with my situation at the moment.
I realise that I have left myself so financially vulnerable and trapped and I'm really angry at myself more than anything.
I think the terrifying reality that i may end up his carer just because i can't afford to leave is hitting home.

Yes, of course I too feel sympathetic to the pain but it is the extent to which it consumes him that is the issue. During a particularly bad spell when H really was quite ill I cared for him and DD abd ended up quite ill myself. There just isn't enough of me to go around.

Beginning to dream of some form of commune for women who've divorced difficult men, where we can each have our own small space but also areas with comfy sofas to read on and drink tea made in pink kettles. Perhaps there is a resident cat or two, a garden to tend to and areas for quiet contemplation or walking.

We could call it the Pink Kettle Commune 😁🩷

Yes!! I did see an article about a commune in North London for women over 50, it sounded great!

Where do I sign up?🩷