Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

Thos is fantastic to hear! So happy for you and the freedom and headspace it will bring 🫂

It’s wonderful x

Thank you @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore. That’s exactly what it’s given. Headspace. I’ve slept all week, stopped drinking wine and feel alot calmer in my system. Feel as if my system is recalibrating which shows the stress it’s been under, masking and jollying things along for everyone. It’s utterly exhausting.

This is so wonderful to hear. Not sure if your kettle will actually be pink, but it will be in spirit! Huge congratulations to you for making a very tough decision and seeing it through. Please keep us updated with how it’s all going. Xx

Inspired by you @BustyLaRoux 💕

Well done @ANiceLittleHouseByTheSeaWithACatCalledBrenda , sounds good.

I think it does help a lot that my DH will admit he's wrong and will apologise. Doesn't quite make up for the outbursts but helps @ChristmasLightsLover . I do sometimes feel like he's forgotten things that have left me shaken, though. But it's helped that in the last ten years I know he says a lot of what I call 'angry bullshit' when he's dysregulated and that saying things like he wants to move house (after a rubbish lorry woke him early a few mornings in a row) are just venting, not actual intentions.

@ChristmasLightsLover i seem to be at a similar stage of life than you - dcs both at Uni now so it’s just me and dh.

We, well I, have found a way to make it work (ish). At least from the outside.
Basically, our life is set up so it works for dh. Theres no pressure for small talk. No pressure to find common ground/take decisions together. He has full freedom to organise his life how he wants (see PDA). No emotions (that he finds triggering plus my calm is regulating for him). Parallel lives.
Works beautifully for him.
Downside? On my pov it’s not a marriage. I’ve detached completely. He doesn’t meet my needs (of emotional intimacy, being seen etc etc…) but does meet some of my physical needs (he is cooking, cleaning …l)

But it could work for you depending on your needs, what you expect from a marriage and for the next 20 years in your life (remembering, you’re going to enter this time in life where Heath issues are going to become more common. Both on his side and yours. Do you think he’ll be able to support you if need be? Do you think you could cope with supporting him?)

And it’s working for me because, just now, being on my own would send me in a huge (unsustainable) crash health wise.
It’s a huge compromise though.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy just wanted to send some good vibes your way.

Take care if yourself. The next few weeks will be hard as the diagnosis sinks in. For both of you.
And then, there will be a need for decisions to be made. Just remember that you, your life is valuable. As a valuable as his. And there’s only you looking out/speaking out for you. Because he won’t put you first.

🫂🫂🫂

Well that has literally made my day! 🥰

This group is a life line. It’s been such a judgement free safe space. No other person/group of people really gets it.

How wonderful that we can support each other to find our voices when the time is right. As someone else said (I forget which one of you fabulous people): when one of us gets out it feels like a win for us all. 🥳

This is so familiar, DH "zones out" during most meal times (probably not helped by consuming close to a bottle of wine) so barely hears (actually listens to) any conversation, I mean sometimes we talk about him as if he isn't there - just to check - and nope, nothings being heard or absorbed!
Sometimes we have the same conversation multiple days in a row. The DC will tell him about eg a competition they're doing and it will come as if its a new piece of info, even if it's the third day in a row they're telling him.
Also he thinks telling me about an idea is the same as me agreeing to it. If he says "what do you think about xyz" he actually means I'm planning on doing xyz regardless of what you think. Sometimes I very clearly disagree and dont want the proposed idea to happen ....but it does anyway!

DH has actually got much better at this, but in the past we did often had conversations that ran:
DH: This is totally new to me, i don't think you told me
Me: I can literally remember where we were the last two times I told you - in the kitchen at the weekend and then on the tube on the way home from the theatre last week.

Sorry im just catching up....

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy I'm glad there is finally a diagnosis...but then as you say that brings with it more anxiety...and not really any answers. Sorry things are so complicated

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore sorry to hear how unwell and frail your dad is. That feels very stressful , on top of everything else

@ANiceLittleHouseByTheSeaWithACatCalledBrenda that sounds amazing, and very positive

@BustyLaRoux my DH sounds like yours in the kitchen , we always joke that he has to "ponce up" any and every dish he makes. He loses all sense of time, pottering/faffing/preparing food , if DC ask dad when is dinner going to be ready, he'll tell them the next few stages of what he's doing...when they actually want to know will it be ready in 10 min or an hour (or more) ! Even when we sit down to eat, he'll sometimes get up to do something extra to his...so he's about to eat when everyone else has nearly finished

@Sweetandsaltycaroline its actually put me off food. I used to quite enjoy cooking. Now I really can’t be bothered. It’s like all his faffing and fancifying has pushed me the other way! I prefer to cook simple, plain food. Preferably with minimal fuss and mess. I stop enjoying my food when I know there’s 45 mins of clearing up waiting to be done. It’s kind of ruined food for me. It’s weird. Years of living with him and knowing I can’t mention the kitchen mess or the time it’s taking or how hungry we are. Having to hold it in or else risk upsetting him and appearing ungrateful. Hours sat biting my tongue, starving, wishing I could just make some toast, getting so hungry I’d have eaten anything, starting to feel quite annoyed to be forced to wait that long when he knew how hungry we were. It felt like being controlled. Although that sounds so horrible of me because I know he’s just doing it to be kind and wanting to do something nice for me/his family. The result is I am now switched off food. I could eat bread and cheese every day for a month and not care. And no DP, I don’t need the homemade chutney or the spring of rosemary on the side or the sliced pear. Lovely as those things are, I am happy with plain old cheese. 🧀

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When I tell people DH does a lot of cooking they say I'm so lucky.
But at least half the time, the kitchen looks like a bombsite and takes me ages to clear up. He cant/won't put ingredients away, and seems oblivious to any spillages, uses unnecessary bowls and pans etc.
Added to that the unlimited timescale (his mum was worse, she could take an hour to make a toasted sandwich, or most of the day to cook a roast) and the fact that often he cooks things that he likes and doesn't consider anyone else's preferences. He seems surprised every time that our kids do not eat eg soup/salad etc.
I will admit it's nice in holiday when he cooks because he cooks simpler food I'm a reasonable timescale! 😊

It’s so hard not to sound ungrateful @Sweetandsaltycaroline!! But it’s 9pm and he’s just served dinner. It’s delicious and is exactly what I fancy. But I am so hungry I’m almost past being hungry if that makes sense!

@Sweetandsaltycaroline the kitchen looks like a bombsite and takes me ages to clear up. He cant/won't put ingredients away, and seems oblivious to any spillages, uses unnecessary bowls and pans etc. My ex DH created exactly the same devastating mess in the kitchen every time he cooked ... or just made himself a coffee! It was one of the reasons I left. So inconsiderate! And if I made the slightest protest he sulked for ages. I'm afraid I do not miss him at all.

Do you think your partners would miss you if you left? As some of you may now, my autistic ex and I split up, no contact, and I've been wondering even if he missed me at all. I find it hard thinking he can just switch off after the happy times we had together. There was no compromise/discussion on how to fix things, just silence and he then never replied to any messages. I put loads into Chat Gpt and it said you deserve someone who can meet you half way.

Petra, there is a book called “the bigamist” by Mary Turner Thomson who was married, or thought she was, to a man with a personality disorder. It’s a helluva tale, it’s worth finding some of the podcasts she did, but she says that everything he did to her was not about her. She has been able to manage her emotional reaction to being treated so appallingly (it really is a helluva tale) because she says it was not personal. He was like a cat toying with a mouse for fun, it did not occur to him what she might be feeling any more than the cat does the mouse.

Your ex won’t be thinking of you in the way you are of him and, yes, he will be able to set your romance aside and move on.

I am not saying that autism is a personality disorder but I am saying that it took me a long time to see my DH’s ability to compartmentalise as a symptom and not a cruelty directed at me.

It’s not personal, you needed an emotional connection that he did not and could not provide. His behaviour post break up shows you that and is a reminder that breaking up was the right thing to do. I stayed and live with a lack of emotional connection and it is slowly driving me mad because I need and want it and should have left years ago.

its hard for you now, but you have done the right thing.

@Seriestwo I feel for you, are you thinking you want to leave now?

I do understand that my ex wanted me full time, that is without the children. And I felt like there was a resentment there. But there was no compromise at all even though I was seeing him every single weekend. He couldn't understand how my children wanted to spend time with me. But I don't understand how final it all was, literally cutting me off. Up to that point, id supported with bereavement issues, health issues, family issues alongside doing all the happy stuff. But I was completely cut off as regardless of all this, he wasn't getting me full time so that was that.

Yes, for him it probably is as cut and dried as that. It is something I can’t understand about my husband, but I expect he’d be the same.

for instance, I have the offer of work in a city 5 hours away. I could go three days a week and make a significant amount of money. “You’d be lonely, sitting on your own every evening” “that’s what I do now”.

he can’t see that he puts zero effort into our relationship. He thinks he does, he thinks he compromises and has made all sorts of accommodations for me and the kids.

I don’t think he has at all.

it is not sustainable, I am very stressed. I feel like the babies in the awfulexepriment where the mum plays keekaboo and then doesn’t respond to the baby at all, blank expression. The baby touches her face and becomes upset because it’s so unnatural to have a blank face.

I do need to leave. It is very sad

Those of you who have split up and have children, are you happier on your own? Is it harder? Do you have the same parenting issues? Have you met someone else?

Today's issue is balancing up DH and oldest DC views about university. DC is currently very set on a (very good) London uni as first choice, but they are looking at other places as well. DH seems convinced they have already discounted everywhere else, but I think DC is entitled to have a favourite and they do have sound reasons for it.

DH really regrets having stayed in London for his uni degree and I think he's maybe centring his own experience a bit too much. Conversations are difficult, DC may also be on autism spectrum (have recently started NHS process, but I don't think they will quite meet dx criteria, which doesn't mean they're not autistic). So they interrupt DH and he gets very cross, although again, I think it's natural, even if not good, that people do tend to do that and you can't go mad at them for doing so, even though I agree it's very annoying.

DH is not going to ban them from going to this uni or anything, but DC I think gets worried he's going to force things - I can see he is just concerned they make choices for the right reason, but he isn't great at how he conveys that.

Just getting the new one ready. Keep posting here for now. Let’s move across when we’re ready.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16

@Seriestwo The offer of that job sounds quite appealing? Could it be the first step towards leaving perhaps?