Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

"Why have children if you have no interest in this type of thing? Same like why have a wife/husband if you’ve little interest in relationships for one reason or another? You don’t gave to, you can live a life with projects and hobbies instead."

I suppose it's societal norms & just going along with expectations maybe? I was a teen mum when DS1 was born, I didn't really ever have the space or awareness to think about how I functioned in relationships at that point. Later, I have just sort of gone along with things - I can't say there's been much intentional planning in terms of relationships. I am always impressed with people who think about these sorts of things. In fact, I remember being impressed when DH said he thought we were a good couple because we have a lot in common- I'd never really thought about it like that.

It’s taken me awhile to stop taking it personally. I wondered what was wrong with me that my own mum has so little interest. I wanted to be like everyone else but I know that isn’t coming. I can understand the soul destroying feeling people have talked about on here. I can’t guilt or beg her to take an interest as she doesn’t really experience those feelings and I get the blame for being needy. She wouldn’t even know if I was sick and even if she did it wouldn’t mean anything.

Checking in.

Thank you @BustyLaRoux
Things seem to be shaping up nicely your side.

I love how you’re not engaging anymore!

How is the pink kettle?

Wow @CinnamonTartthat sounds super PDA. I hope you’re benefiting from the counselling 🌻 thinking of you.

Hey to all and welcome. I’ve name changed again btw.

Looking forward to hearing more about exciting moves and pink kettles 🌸 🫖.

Go @BustyLaRoux !

Place marking!

@NoviceVillager Thank you - the next step is for me to explain to DH that this is a deal breaker and that he will either need to get over himself or we’re going to end up going our separate ways. Having had a couple of sessions with a different therapist who is ND herself - she said that creeping forwards slowly will yield better results and reduce overwhelm.

Good for you @CinnamonTart

Having had a couple of sessions with a different therapist who is ND herself - she said that creeping forwards slowly will yield better results and reduce overwhelm.

Thats a really good point. Thank you @CinnamonTart

Here dh is still on his super nice behaviour. He is talking to me, is being careful, asks if I need help.

im not a ghost!!

im starting EMDR soon and my counsellor was pointing out that yes things will change. I’ll be able to put boundaries in place much more easily. It might help our relationship, just like putting boundaries this time has helped. Or it might make things 1000 times worse 😂
But I’m more and more aware that it might be too little too late. The damage from judgement, being put last and ignored won’t disappear just because he is trying,

Living with neglect and abuse poses a severe risk to your health. Lots of these men are actors and seek someone to dominate and hate. Only the belief that the abuse isn’t deliberate keeps us there.

I divorced and I did it too late. I believe the chronic stress has taken its toll. I’ve been diagnosed with a fatal degenerative neurological condition that will leave me physically and mentally disabled needing full time care. It’s horrific and I have made plans to end my life before that happens.

I have dependant children and no family. While I’m in tears thinking about future care for my children I watch my ex dating. He’s funny, emotionally intelligent and socially outgoing and I have to accept the awful truth that it was a deliberate choice to act that way with me. I already knew that deep down. His autism never made him rage or shut down on his boss or anyone else. He could always control who saw that side of him. That ability requires self awareness doesn't it, which is something they claim they don’t have.

I know I’m not the only one who’s watched them turn their autism on and off. I’m not the only one who’s denied myself support by keeping their behaviour secret and covering for them. I believe many of these men are misdiagnosed and have aspd traits. Get away from them before it’s too late.

We need to acknowledge the rates of misdiagnosis. Marriage counsellors should take this into consideration before telling us we need to be more understanding.

Studies suggest that:

20% of individuals with ASPD may be misdiagnosed with autism (Fazel, 2018)
Up to 30% of individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) may be misdiagnosed with autism (Westerlund, 2020)

References:

Fazel, S. (2018)
Westerlund, J. (2020)

His autism never made him rage or shut down on his boss or anyone else. He could always control who saw that side of him.

Back to ‘is it autism or is it him being a twat’ isn’t ?

And yes I agree with you. The more ot goes, the more I believe that ‘oh poor him. He is autistic’ isn’t helping anyone. Not them, not us as their partners.
Im talking about people who can ‘mask’ well enough when they are at work to not make blunders/explode in a rage/make PA comments/stay silent etc….
I think dh working from home, from our living room, gave me some insights I didn’t have before.

@TooLate82 thats interesting!
Because my understanding was that it was the other way around and people were wrongly diagnosed with BPD etc… when they were actually autistic!

I think you have lost sight of what normal expectations are in a human relationship: kindness, courtesy, turn taking, sweetness, thoughtfulness. These are all everyday occurrences in a good marriage or relationship.

This comment is from another thread but this really hit home for me.
😢😢

Sorry what is ASPD?

@TooLate82 what has happened to you is truly awful. I’m so sorry.

That question has come up many times hasn’t it? Is it their autism making them behave like this (excusable because we make allowances for disability) or it something else like NPD or other condition or maybe they’re just an awful human being (abuse, not disability, inexcusable, get away from them). And then ultimately: if you’re experiencing abuse then who cares why. It’s abuse! Get away!

I suppose for me I do like to understand why things happen. Explain rather than excuse. I understand where his behaviour comes from now, but as he himself says: he doesn’t behave like this with other people so why me? He believes it must be something I contribute and tells me I need to own my behaviour. I respond with: you’re victim blaming and you’re abusive. He doesn’t rage at work. I’d known him for years before we got together. I’d never seen that side of him. Don’t get me wrong I knew he could be stern sometimes and I thought he was socially odd, but he seemed to me to be fun and not give a shit about what people thought, outgoing and self deprecating. I never suspected he was abusing his partner as I now know he must have been. I didn’t really know enough about autism to spot it either.

I think often Autism and abuse go together. I would never date an autistic man again. Not ever.

ASPD is anti social personality disorder. They are not murdering sociopaths as is often portrayed.
Approximately 1 to 1.5 out of every 10 men may exhibit some combination of ASPD, sociopathic traits, and narcissistic traits. An autism diagnosis is the perfect excuse for some of these men.

Our marriage counsellor fell over herself to urge me to be more understanding of his “disability”. She really pushed the idea of our home being his safe space as though I should have felt lucky to be on the receiving end of his abuse and rages. I see it now for what it is which is very simple. They feel comfortable abusing us because they know there won’t be any consequences.

I should have left years ago. I knew about Cassandra syndrome and I knew many of us on this board had developed health problems. I never thought for a moment I would receive such a devastating diagnosis.

I'm so sorry @TooLate82, how awful

@TooLate82 sounds like a similar scenario to me. Except I’m still with him….. in part because living in disability allowance will just replace stress from dh to stress from no money. So it won’t help my health I don’t think.

And YY about the fact pushing the idea that home should be their safe place with no boundaries as to behaviour is basically asking someone to accept abuse.

Because it’s all well be good that ot comes from autism and not ‘a bad place’, if it’s still controlling or hurtful, then it is. And such behaviour shouldn’t be accepted. A reason but not an excuse comes to mind there

I hope it's okay to dip my toe in! I've been reading on and off for at least six months, although sometimes I find it SO helpful that I get caught up ruminating on your points and have to take a break again.
I've been with DH for 20 years and have 2 DC. One has recently been diagnosed as autistic and it's shone the light on everything. Realising DH is autistic, and realising honestly how pathetic our relationship actually is.
The lack of chit chat, lack of empathy, lack of emotional intelligence. We don't talk, we don't touch. He does the bare minimum of housework and parenting. But the lack of support for our DC has been the nail in the coffin and I've totally withdrawn.... if he doesn't talk to me, why should I be making jolly chatter about the weather?! So the relationship feels dead - and yet he can't discuss it... he can't discuss anything, at all, ever.
It now feels like a weird social experiment to see if he realises ! Or says anything!
I'm financially a bit screwed if I leave, and I think on the whole it's better for DC if they stay in the house, so I am just rolling with it. But in the meantime, swaying wildly from bitter resentment to complete indifference.
Thank you for allowing me to join you! It gives me hope to know others truly get it.

@TooLate82 I’m so very sorry about your diagnosis, sending a huge handhold 💐.

@PeppaspartyI can hear how sad you are. I’m so sorry you didn’t get the connection that you needed from your Mum. It is so very hard to understand.

Welcome ThunkedThoughts.

I’ve tried very hard to remember my thought processes when I witnessed him being sociable and normal in front of others, then cruel and silent the moment we were alone. I would pretend to not notice and act chirpy. I’m still not sure why I did that. His awful behaviour in our home was a nasty unspoken secret, and one I dutifully kept. I am embarrassed to admit this but I would often big him up in front of others. I cringe at myself creeping to him like that.

My parents were emotionally distant and criminally neglectful. My therapist said that I accepted his neglect because I was primed for it which is true. I noticed other women have said similar things about their parents. It’s all part of the same thing. The relentless wasted effort of trying to get unpleasant people to be nice to you. It’s not the first nasty secret I’ve kept either.

I thought I had done so well divorcing him, and figuring out how I ended up with someone like him. I thought I had time to build a new life, and now this. I’ve wasted what could have been a wonderful life on someone devoid of basic emotion, empathy or kindness. What a waste.

@TooLate82 your sadness and your grief is shining through your last post.
Im sorry. Im so sorry.

Coming round to a life changing diagnosis is hard. It’s even harder in those circumstances.
🫂🫂🫂

Are you still seeing your therapist?

@ThunkedThoughts youre welcome on this thread (even though I’d prefer people didn’t feel the need to join iyswim).

Can totally relate to the not talking at all, the lack of support with dcs etc….

Ive withdrawn too. I’m not chatting nearly as much as before. That didn’t make any change in dh. And he didn’t comment on it either….. As you said, total inability to raise any issue.