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Original poster

We had the marriage and kids talk - not sure how I feel.

238 replies

Stanwyck · 21/03/2025 23:20

Been together 18 months and never had this talk. I recently brought it up and he was like a deer in headlights - said let me think and come back to you.

So he started by saying this has been the best relationship he’s ever had so far. I told him the same. He was previously married, she divorced him 5 years ago.

In terms of marriage, he said he’s undecided about doing it again. Doesn’t see the overall benefits, but not against doing it again either - clearly not in a frame of mind for proposing so at least now I know.

He also said he wants kids and I do too. He said this was more important to him than marriage part initially.

He also added that I’m the well off one so he’d want me to get a pre-nup as he’s not after me for money!

He then said we have a lot more to agree and talk about before taking those steps - he clearly has issues in mind although he didn’t verbalise them.

A small voice inside me is worried that I’m a placeholder and there’s someone else he would marry. In theory I don’t feel marriage is crucial but I also feel sadness about never doing or having that ritual in front of our loved ones. Or never calling him husband.

I love him very much but I feel if I’d chosen a man without the baggage of divorce he might be more positive and excited!

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 21/03/2025 23:23

Don't have kids with someone you're not married to, you and any kids are way less protected if you were ever to split and you don't sound 100% confident it won't. You don't say how old you both are.

IndigoBabble · 21/03/2025 23:24

How old are you both?

Original poster
Stanwyck · 21/03/2025 23:24

Also to clarify on the pre nup - I own a property and he doesn’t.

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IndigoBabble · 21/03/2025 23:25

And does he have children already?

Original poster
Stanwyck · 21/03/2025 23:25

We’re 31 and 32.

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Original poster
Stanwyck · 21/03/2025 23:25

He doesn’t have kids. I’m not surprised he was affirmative about tthis because he’s been talking about imagining have them.

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MounjaroOnMyMind · 21/03/2025 23:29

At your age I'd say, "OK, let's leave it at that" and end it. He may well step up to the plate and realise what he's lost, in which case it's a win-win situation. He may well not, in which case you know where you are. If you stay together now he could be saying the same thing in another couple of years, which would be really awful.

You're in a really strong position - don't let his dithering determine your future.

LameBorzoi · 21/03/2025 23:31

He's probably still thinking like a younger man - as if he has years to just date or whatever.

Talulahalula · 21/03/2025 23:32

To be honest, he is being quite sensible in wanting to reflect and talk things through more. He has been through a divorce - which means he already thought he was in it for life with someone and it turned out he wasn’t. You have only been together 18 months. I think you should carry on talking but also be clear about what you want and what is important to you. It doesn’t sound to me like you are a placeholder, more like he has already been divorced and doesn’t want to go through that again without talking over whatever it is he still wants to discuss. Sounds sensible to me.

Original poster
Stanwyck · 21/03/2025 23:32

My feelings are mixed because I’ve never been gung ho about getting married.

But actually hearing him say he’s undecided hurt a bit. I easily visualise being married to him.

I think his divorce is the worst thing that ever happened to him so I get it.

I don’t want to tank an otherwise great relationship. I also don’t want to stay if he’s planning to jump ship later.

OP posts:
kitchentablegardentable · 21/03/2025 23:35

MounjaroOnMyMind · 21/03/2025 23:29

At your age I'd say, "OK, let's leave it at that" and end it. He may well step up to the plate and realise what he's lost, in which case it's a win-win situation. He may well not, in which case you know where you are. If you stay together now he could be saying the same thing in another couple of years, which would be really awful.

You're in a really strong position - don't let his dithering determine your future.

I agree with this.

LameBorzoi · 21/03/2025 23:37

It makes sense that he's a bit gun-shy. If he's talking about kids, it sounds like he does see a future with you.

Talulahalula · 21/03/2025 23:40

I think you can go back to the discussion in the not too distant future and ask what the issues are that he still wishes to talk about so you have a sense of these. I think you should have this discussion so you have a better sense of what is what.

edited to add - it doesn’t sound like he is planning to jump ship, more like exercising caution and discuss things with you.

2JFDIYOLO · 22/03/2025 00:11

It's quite likely he was very scarred by the divorce and the thought of another one makes him anxious.

Children aren't in his experience tho (I do understand men with kids reluctant to start on another family) so he hadn't said no to that.

But do just be aware of the future faker - the man who keeps putting it off, maybe baby next year, few years time, til suddenly fertility time's up. So many women here who've been hoped into staying with the man promising the future family that never happened.

LameBorzoi · 22/03/2025 00:11

MounjaroOnMyMind · 21/03/2025 23:29

At your age I'd say, "OK, let's leave it at that" and end it. He may well step up to the plate and realise what he's lost, in which case it's a win-win situation. He may well not, in which case you know where you are. If you stay together now he could be saying the same thing in another couple of years, which would be really awful.

You're in a really strong position - don't let his dithering determine your future.

You wouldn't have an actual conversation about this, once he has quite reasonably had a chance to think about some very big decisions?

It's a relationship, not a car dealership.

Original poster
Stanwyck · 22/03/2025 00:29

He is a very pragmatic and level headed person, which I appreciate day to day.

But this conversation was almost like a business meeting! There was no romance in it. He said he feels maybe I see things more rose tinted (whereas he doesn’t due to his divorce) but we need to talk step by step. I agree but yes. Lacked romance and excitement. Clearly because of his baggage.

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Original poster
Stanwyck · 22/03/2025 00:30

@Talulahalula we agreed this is the first of a series of more conversations. At least it’s a start.

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dontcryformeargentina · 22/03/2025 01:02

I’m sorry but he just isn’t that into you.. Time to open your options up. Be realistic , don’t waste your child bearing years on someone who isn’t sure

28Fluctuations · 22/03/2025 01:05

Stanwyck · 21/03/2025 23:24

Also to clarify on the pre nup - I own a property and he doesn’t.

Strongly consider not marrying him.

28Fluctuations · 22/03/2025 01:08

And after 18 months - he should know. If it felt like a business meeting, walk away and find someone who is excited by the thought of being with you and having dc.

Original poster
Stanwyck · 22/03/2025 01:13

@28Fluctuations I feel torn because his pragmatic level headed approach is one of the main things I love about him. And he’s quite romantic otherwise.

I just imagined him being more excited to plan the future together. He did start suggesting places to live together but there was no ‘I can’t wait!’ energy to it.

I think I need to sit with my feelings for a bit as the conversation is fresh.

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Tbrh · 22/03/2025 01:16

I'm surprised you waited 18 months to have this conversation now tbh. I can understand if he's not keen on marriage if he's done it before, but if it's important to you he needs to accept that. And whatever you do don't have kids first if marriage is what you want

28Fluctuations · 22/03/2025 01:20

Stanwyck · 22/03/2025 01:13

@28Fluctuations I feel torn because his pragmatic level headed approach is one of the main things I love about him. And he’s quite romantic otherwise.

I just imagined him being more excited to plan the future together. He did start suggesting places to live together but there was no ‘I can’t wait!’ energy to it.

I think I need to sit with my feelings for a bit as the conversation is fresh.

Edited

You live together, yes?

This is your daily life, all tied up in this man. You will need time to think, of course. But that is very very hard to do when you are happy in your daily life with him.

It's always going to be hard to put your preferred future (marriage/dc) first. It's a gamble against your current happiness.

Anyway you can get away for a bit, without him, to think?

beetr00 · 22/03/2025 01:21

Stanwyck · 22/03/2025 01:13

@28Fluctuations I feel torn because his pragmatic level headed approach is one of the main things I love about him. And he’s quite romantic otherwise.

I just imagined him being more excited to plan the future together. He did start suggesting places to live together but there was no ‘I can’t wait!’ energy to it.

I think I need to sit with my feelings for a bit as the conversation is fresh.

Edited

would you actually be ready to marry someone you've only known for 18 months @Stanwyck?

He is also a divorced man at 30!

I can understand his reticence tbh, enjoy your relationship, I don't think you're a placeholder, he's just cautious?

Original poster
Stanwyck · 22/03/2025 01:22

@Tbrh I think because I’ve first been figuring out what I want before I can approach him with these topics.

@28Fluctuations mentioned to strongly consider not marrying I assume because I’m a property owner. Am I really in a massively unfortunate position if I do have kids if we aren’t married as the better off one? I still think I’d prefer it overall but should consider all options.

I care more about children than getting married right now.

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