We had the marriage and kids talk - not sure how I feel.

[Stanwyck]

Been together 18 months and never had this talk. I recently brought it up and he was like a deer in headlights - said let me think and come back to you.

So he started by saying this has been the best relationship he’s ever had so far. I told him the same. He was previously married, she divorced him 5 years ago.

In terms of marriage, he said he’s undecided about doing it again. Doesn’t see the overall benefits, but not against doing it again either - clearly not in a frame of mind for proposing so at least now I know.

He also said he wants kids and I do too. He said this was more important to him than marriage part initially.

He also added that I’m the well off one so he’d want me to get a pre-nup as he’s not after me for money!

He then said we have a lot more to agree and talk about before taking those steps - he clearly has issues in mind although he didn’t verbalise them.

A small voice inside me is worried that I’m a placeholder and there’s someone else he would marry. In theory I don’t feel marriage is crucial but I also feel sadness about never doing or having that ritual in front of our loved ones. Or never calling him husband.

I love him very much but I feel if I’d chosen a man without the baggage of divorce he might be more positive and excited!

I’ve been where you are and it’s really hard and frustrating.

i hate to say this, but I would read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.” It really changed my perspective and wish I’d read it much younger. It would have saved me a lot of time and heartache.

When I finally did meet my husband, he literally moved mountains to be with me. Engaged within 6 months, married 6 months later, 16 years now and 3 kids.

Perhaps give it another 2-3 months and see what happens. If he’s not keen to commit, you’ll have your answer and you can move on.

In my opinion, you probably want to be with someone who will move mountains to be with you.

I wish you happiness!

The thing is, that they usually CAN get a younger woman.

You can't find a reason, because you're not him. You don't know his personal reasons.

A lot of people are reluctant to marry again after divorce.

Huge generalisation but Nordic men often are a bit more pragmatic and less 'romantic'. But with more idea about doing 50% of child care.

Yes, he was emotionally abusive, avoidant, narcissistic, spent half the time not talking to me, and eventually walked out on me because I put on weight. I had no choice in the break-up.

Hell will freeze over before I marry or live with a man again. I have my own home and enjoy dating. Never again will another human being make my home a miserable place, when it should be a happy, safe sanctuary.

But I'm 50, not 33. Age makes a difference.

I wonder if that’s why they are less ‘romantic’ as they are more in reality.

romance is a fantasy that’s not real…it’s been invented ffs

you can still do very loving things for each other that are much more meaningful and feel very magical at the time - that feeling of being loved and cared for, and sharing that

you want love..and love is shown by action and commitment, but they take time

Don't have kids until you are certain that you will be happy without marriage. If you want marriage and he doesn't then as much as you love him it won't work. Don't believe him if he says let's have a kid and we can get married after the fact because believe me that very rarely happens. He will have what he wants so won't much care about anything else.
I disagree that marriage is the only way you or your children will be protected, there are many other ways you can be protected financially. There are people that have had kids and never married but have been together happily 20 years or more. It's more about how you feel and whether you will always feel that it just isn't enough.

But yet here we all are giving our opinions on it anyway

@GertieET Its been 2 days since we had the conversation and I think saying he isn’t sure about marrying again comes from a place of fear.

I think he doesn’t want to end up with two divorces under his belt really young.

But I am someone looking to the future with the person I love. I am allowed to be pragmatic but also hopeful and to hope for that in the person I love, because it’s the best relationship we’ve both had.

I might be looking rose tinted to an extent but he still sounds somewhat bitter which isn’t great either.

It sounds like he still has some emotional ties to his ex. It isn't normal to still be meeting up.

@Ecotype he hasn’t met up with her now for well over a year, so the ties have loosened as our relationship progressed.

I found it odd at first but also somewhat glad they didn’t just hate each other.

It does. I'm 53. Got a long term partner but we don't live together although spend lots of time together. I keep my place as security as such

And there is nothing wrong with that. It shouldn't be clouded by romance.
Go find someone else!