Thought things were getting better

[Hopeless1686]

I posted a a year or 2 ago about my worries with my partner and a female collegue. She moved branches and as far as i know they havent seen eachother anymore.
Things were better with us....probably shows i was dumb to stay as shes gone and we got better 🙄 well our sex life took a dive. 9 months without anything. He had pain/medical issues so i just left it. We had sex for the first time last weekend. Something just niggled me at the sudden change. I done the bad thing and checked his phone again this morning. Saw he had looked at his secure folder on recent apps. I opened the recycling bin on it and there is i would say over 20-25 photos of a woman- NOT the collegue i was worried about. A couple of naked photos. Loads of her fully clothed- selfie. One photo is a photo of him and a seperate photo of her made into a side by side. I dont know if she made it or him but got a feeling its him.
I cant say anything to him as he got annoyed i looked through his phone years ago when he was adament nothing went on with him and this collegue. I dont know who this woman is. Im sick to my stomach. He goes to work, comes home and we are always together- he doesnt like going out on nights out. Doesnt have many friends. I saw photos of this woman about a year ago in his deleted photos on gallery but to me they looked like photos of a random woman that was on insta so i stupidly brushed it off. He told me a few weeks ago when i said i felt ugly and he could do better that i need to stop saying that as if he wanted anything different he wouldnt be here. Jokes on me obviously

without sounding harsh the joke actually is on you because you’ve stayed another 2 years with someone who was being shady behind your back and now your still in the same spot you were 2 years ago. time to toughen up and show him who the fuck you are! stop feeling sorry for yourself and start being bad ass. I would kick him out of the house and tell him you’re broken up. you can’t trust a fella like that he’s never gonna change and of course he’s gonna get angry when confronted with evidence of him being a creep all men do when they’ve been caught out. Time to put yourself first girl. stop being loyal to a man who ain’t loyal to you. he’s no respect for himself or you

I had a look at your previous thread OP and tbh I don't understand the way a lot of posters turned the problem into a you problem when you had legitimate cause for concern about your DP and his female colleague.
Similarly yes it seems he has some sort of relationship with this woman you have found the photos of and it must have been going on for some time.
I don't think your DP is trustworthy. I think you have to have an open conversation with him. I honestly think your self esteem and self worth would improve if you ended the relationship.

He’d get mad because you’ve looked at his phone, rather than you being mad because he’s up to his old tricks again. I think that sums up your relationship. It’s not healthy, you already know that. Have you thought about speaking to a professional to help you leave?

Cheating and lying are not obstacles to be overcome. They’re reasons to end the relationship.

You can’t have an open conversation with a liar. Talking about those behaviours achieves absolutely nothing apart from letting them know the only consequences are an uncomfortable chat.

Given you’ve had issues previously you only have two options which is to either accept it or leave.

I have just read your first thread.
So you did have issues with paranoia which was not great, but I actually think those messages to that young girl were highly, highly inappropriate and to be quite frank, a bit creepy. I can remember being friendly with a chap old enough to be my dad, in a workplace. It was before we all had mobiles. And then he started leaving me notes in my desk and it really escalated. He said I had led him on.
While you have clearly been burned before, I think this man uses that to make you feel off balance.
I feel very sad that you don’t feel good enough for him. And the old adage that’s he so good looking he could get any girl he wants. Well so is Brad Pitt and he has two failed marriages and a string of failed relationships. It means nothing.
He clearly has something going on with this woman, whoever she is. If they are just pictures he’s taken from somewhere else, then that’s just as creepy.
I think the only, only way you will ever be happy is to get yourself out of this relationship. Please don’t think terrible things about yourself, because you don’t deserve that.
You really need some time on your own, which I know is scary, but it’s the only way. You need to build up your confidence.
If you stay in this you will keep on being miserable.
And on this occasion I wouldn’t give a toss if he’s angry about you going into his phone. This time you had a hunch and you weren’t wrong.

I agree that you should get out of this relationship. You know it's the right decision. It will hurt a lot at first but think about how much better you will feel a few weeks/months from now!

I am really scared. I've felt sick all day. Trying not to burst into tears.
Out of all the photos its the collage one of their photos side by side that has really hurt as it seems one of them is imagining what they look like together.
I give up. I got no energy left in me to even bother with anything anymore

I have no advise really but wanted to say you are not on your own . I’m currently going through something similar and after years of being lied to I’ve had enough and I’m done .

speak to your friends or family and find strength from them . You don’t need to feel this way anymore and you deserve to be happy , good luck x

Thank you 😞 i am really sorry you are going through a similar thing. It physically hurts doesnt it. Would you mind sending me a DM about what you have had happen and how you have dealt with/dealing with it please. I just feel so alone. If i tell my mum or family they will flip out on him which is justfied as im too weak to do it.
I really thought this was finally the real thing as he has been through being cheated on which resulted in a child being born that wasnt his so i thought he would understand how horrible it feels to feel worthless x

Been there, put myself through it. At this stage, you are causing yourself such, such distress.
It is like your mind gets stuck and you can’t get out of it.
It will get better in time but only if you act.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Give yourself a bit of time and have a rest. Put the pictures away. Do something different, anything.
I lost a really good friend recently, she was only young and died quite suddenly. Really brought it home to me how much time we waste in life.
You only get one and it’s so, so, so precious, OP.
You deserve to feel happy and secure and to not have these worries.
A future alone for now, and some time spent working out who you are, and trying new things in life, will mean when you do meet someone it will be as an equal.
And before you mention how you look, please know you are just wonderful as you are.
Sending a big hug. And in my world, I did meet someone and it took me a long time to get there. Being on my own taught me so much, and the person I met is a decent man.
I do not miss every idiot who pulled stunts, lied, took drugs, cheated, told me I was ugly/fat/whatever. I just regret the time wasted on them. I wish I’d known sooner there was a better way to live.

Thank you 🥹 it's trying to build that courage to confront him and ask him why. I for sure dont have that yet. Why put them in the secure folder recycling bin. Why do it when we have worked through what happened, why tell me i am not ugly and if he wanted different he wouldnt be here.
A lot of 'why's' i dont think i will ever get the answer to cos when i do ask them all i will get is "you never trusted me" " you went through my phone", will never address the actual issue of the photos and who she is. I just need to build up my courage and self esteem to say " i know about the photos, i gave my all to this relationship and never even imagined being with anyone else but you have and now its time for you to go do that and see if its better for you cos this isnt good for me and my children"
Sounds good when you write it out doesnt it. But all i get is tears from me when i say it in my head

I am 38 and he is 40 years old

Keep repeating that to yourself and build the confidence more and more until saying it out loud becomes natural. You can do this! 💪

At 38 you have SO many good years to go.
You won’t get any answers from him.
You are looking for reassurance to soothe you in the short-term due to distress. Which is natural.
But in order to pacify you he will lie.
The only thing you can do is leave. I think you were mid 30’s about when you met this man. Don’t be sitting there at 40, 45, 50.
Don’t look to him for answers because he doesn’t have the ones you need.
What you need is to live a life where you feel good enough and that can only come from you. You alone.
Imagine using all of this energy on… you!
It can start with something simple - read a book you’d never think of reading, go somewhere different for a coffee. What you want is to be in a place where you might study, or find a new passion or hobby or meet new friends.
I met my OH in this way and that was after years of doing exactly as you are now. Driving myself nuts.
I can remember following one ex in my friend’s car and he drove to a strange apartment building at 3 in the morning. Well, the excuses were unreal.
And I realise now I wasted years on this crap and what I was really doing was not caring for myself, not treating myself well.
Start looking after you.

Just noticed you have children. They deserve a happy, healthy mum not this idiot upsetting her.

I was 32 when we met. To be honest ive always thought he was too good for me but now i feel like i was always too go for him.
I have 4 children from an 11 year marriage which ended due to emotional and verbal abuse.

@Hopeless1686, you are too good for this loser.

I commented on your 2/23 thread and said that their exchange was way out of line. Your Partner bamboozled you to accept blame and back down, but their relationship was highly inappropriate. He was never going to admit that though, and instead he DARVO’d you.

Regarding the issue at hand, your sex life has disappeared for 9 months, so due to his history with the much younger OW, you decided to investigate his phone to get information. This was reasonable in my book. You have now discovered disturbing evidence of his illicit relationship with another OW — hidden photos of her with and without clothes, selfies, and the edited fantasy photo. Whether this is an online affair or in person, he is cheating and treating you like shit on his shoe.

This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. Don’t ask this liar ‘Why’. Don’t give him the opportunity to manipulate you and shift the blame again. Don’t beg, cling, put yourself down, or do the pick-me dance. He is clearly a cake-eater who wants both a home life with you and your children, as well as a side woman for illicit thrills.

He knows that he can dupe you if he deflects the focus to your insecurities and phone checking. The truth is his phone revealed his infidelity in both 2023 and today. He was untrustworthy then and is untrustworthy now. Be aware that you are not responsible for his unethical choices to lie and cheat. It’s all down to his self-serving entitlement to pursue outside validation and gratification. His ‘I disapprove of cheating’ is clearly phony-baloney.

@Hopeless1686, I urge you to definitively end the relationship. Get this sleazy low-life out of your and your children’s lives. Continuing with him would actually be a form of self-harm, and you would be bargaining away your peace of mind.

I am so sorry you have been through a terrible past experience.
One thing I have learned to do is to not think of myself as not being ‘good enough’ for someone. A relationship is about equals.
You have given this man 6 years of your life. Don't let it be 16, or 26, when you feel stuck.
It is very common to leave an abusive marriage and to attract another awful partner.
You have 4 beautiful children. Put you and them first. You have many, many miles to go in life.
I wish I had known this when I was younger when I was stuck.

Thank you all for your supportive replies. Didnt get much sleep lastnight so ended up sitting on the sofa most of the night in darkness.
He keeps asking me what is wrong but my mouth just wont let me say it.
My children are away for a week in the Easter Holidays so i think thats the time to address it and end it. They wont be here to hear or see anything.

Today is a test of my strength. He said i looked nice today as i gor dressed to go to shops. Bit mt tongue to not say "oh really, better than that girl on your phone" going for a walk in a minute with my girls. I saw something online about finding a remote place and just let out a massive scream. Currently looking for somewhere 😂

You have found a bit of strength and a bit of anger.
Keep going.
He has a secret well he thanks he has.
You actually hold the cards now.
Remember that.

Personally - I couldn't be bothered by a few pictures if there were no indications if anything actually going on.
Have you looked at his messages at least?
Is he looking only? Or actually talking to her?
Or sneaking around?

You seem to be insecure about your looks and thinking he is in a different league. Why????
If he didnt find you attractive _ he won’t be with you. Its that simple

He has archived messages in his whatsapp, his whatsapp was open on the archives aswell as the secure folder app. The last message sent on the archives was from a driver at his work and dated 2 weeks ago so he was on there deleting some sort of message that caused him to go on there and then put whatever photo she sent straight into secure folder as those were the only photos on there. All the ones we have sent in our relationship have gone. Its where he would keep the messsges from the younger female work collegue from my previous thread.
What bothers me is they are all the same woman, they look personal, like actually sent to him and one of them is a recent photo of him and a photo of her photoshopped side by side as if he or her was fantisising about how they looked together. So yeah the photos have upset me greatly as his head is somewhere else and with someone else. He has recently been saying he wants more from life as we dont have much money and he has some loans and debts so i think hes gone looking for some fun.

He has gone looking for a fantasy. An escape. On the web, not in real life.
He sounds down and depressed about his life.
It’s not about your looks, or even this woman.

Is he middle-aged? Facing mortality, thinking is this drudgery it? Etc
His head is in wallowing in self pity at his life not being what he hoped for. Loans, not having fun, etc.

I bet you that woman is not even in England. Just some random off some app. Getting those pics maybe brings a bit of excitement to what he considers a boring life.

I’d keep looking at his messages now and then, just to keep tabs.
But mostly - i’d think of how to get your relationship out of midlife rut.

She looks a lot like someone he used to work with at his current place of work. Her hair and facial features really stand out as one of his collegues but i havent seen her there is quite a while.
He went for his work xmas party- he came home and sat downstairs, i was coming down to say i was still awake and he could come up without worry of waking me. As i walked in he was messaging on whatsapp and the door creaked and he fumbled to get off whatsapp very very quickly and snapped "dont creep looking over my shoulder" which i wasnt, i made noise coming down the stairs. He just hasnt been as affectionate, wanting kisses etc. He always used to come up to me and kiss my neck, grab my bum. Its like im more his friend than anything as we have a laugh together and im also a comfort blanket as he has autism- high functioning, he struggles and masks in public and says im the person he can be him around.
The one photo that hurt the most was the side by side one, which is weird seeing as there was naked photos. He talks a good talk and puts things back on me. Uses his past and being cheated on as a smoke screen for apparently never cheating on me.
In some ways i wish i never looked as i wouldnt of known and been oblivious