Thought things were getting better

[Hopeless1686]

I posted a a year or 2 ago about my worries with my partner and a female collegue. She moved branches and as far as i know they havent seen eachother anymore.
Things were better with us....probably shows i was dumb to stay as shes gone and we got better 🙄 well our sex life took a dive. 9 months without anything. He had pain/medical issues so i just left it. We had sex for the first time last weekend. Something just niggled me at the sudden change. I done the bad thing and checked his phone again this morning. Saw he had looked at his secure folder on recent apps. I opened the recycling bin on it and there is i would say over 20-25 photos of a woman- NOT the collegue i was worried about. A couple of naked photos. Loads of her fully clothed- selfie. One photo is a photo of him and a seperate photo of her made into a side by side. I dont know if she made it or him but got a feeling its him.
I cant say anything to him as he got annoyed i looked through his phone years ago when he was adament nothing went on with him and this collegue. I dont know who this woman is. Im sick to my stomach. He goes to work, comes home and we are always together- he doesnt like going out on nights out. Doesnt have many friends. I saw photos of this woman about a year ago in his deleted photos on gallery but to me they looked like photos of a random woman that was on insta so i stupidly brushed it off. He told me a few weeks ago when i said i felt ugly and he could do better that i need to stop saying that as if he wanted anything different he wouldnt be here. Jokes on me obviously

we moved 2 hours away from our previous town
Whose idea was that?

Try and speak to your mum if she'll be supportive (as well as angry on your behalf) - I know it kind of makes it real but you shouldn't have to cope alone.

Was both of ours to be closer to my parents. They moved down here so we moved aswell. They are my biggest support system and my children are incredibly close to them. He wanted to come and said me and my kids were all he needed so he was happy to move x

Oh that's good, glad you're near family.

If he’s doing anything other than sitting on that sofa hanging his head in shame and begging for your forgiveness, he’s not even worthy of you being in the same room as you.
What would you say to any of your kids who were being treated like this?
Tell your Mum - you need to make it feel real now that he knows you know.
If you put your efforts into someone worthy of you, just think about how much richer your life would be. Not second guessing yourself, not being made to feel like normal healthy behaviours in a relationship are somehow wrong of you to demand, having sex more than once every 9 months if you want to!
You need to get rid and then work on your self esteem, on building your network where you live, on finding things that build you up and give you confidence. Don’t let this man drag you down any more. 🎈

Yeah there is for sure no shame at all. All this is pure annoyance that i went through his phone and/or deleted the photos. Which goes to show-after trying to act caring all day and ask how i am,how i slept and how my day at work has been- the first thing he did when he gor home was go and work out and then look at his secure folder recycle bin for those photos and throw his dummy out the pram when they arent there. No " oh my god she must be so so upset after seeing them, ive messed up big time and must at least apologise or talk to her and see how much ive hurt her" nope, not an ounce of remorse x

@Hopeless1686, I see that he is indeed involved with an OW at work. They will have been carrying on their affair during the work day — breaks, lunches, before/after work, and perhaps taking days off together.

He is a king liar and hypocrite who has once again been rumbled, so he’s reverting to his abusive MO of blanking, sulking and stonewalling to punish you. How dare you discover and delete his wank stash featuring his mistress!

I have no doubt that he is happy with you and all you’ve provided, but he is a supremely selfish and weak-boundaried man who laps up the emotional and sexual attention of other women. The gaping deficits in his character have enabled his unethical choices. It’s not about you at all, so don’t buy into that false narrative.

Please shut down his predictable deflection from his infidelity to your phone snooping. Your right to know the truth about your life and relationship trumps his privacy.

He’s not a good man, @Hopeless1686. Boot him out as soon as you can.

This is emotional abuse. Stonewalling so he doesn't take responsibility. I would ignore him toally, no more drops to work, no more speaking to him. Leave a note " This relatonship is over. You have 1 week to pack your things or they will be packed for you" And give him the silent treatment. Let him stay with horse face

The sheer audacity of this man to be sitting there, a known cheater and hypocrite into the bargain. He is a hollow, shallow man. He is weak and egotistical- and untrustworthy. Far better to look like the proverbial back end of a bus but have integrity and honesty.
You are a compassionate, loving, trusting woman - you are the catch, not this shoddy individual.
Screw up your courage and your dignity. While he’s at work tomorrow pack his bags, change the locks and drop his stuff off at work with the OW.

,

Im not making excuses for him, just saying that they wouldnt be together before or after work or breaks as he talks to me on both his 2 breaks a day for the whole 30 minutes, i take him to work and as soon as he goes in he has to load up the lorries/hiabs and the hiab driver is always outside to meet him. I also message him when i get home after dropping him off to let him know im home safe and we would talk for 10 minutes. When he has days off- he had monday and tuesday off last week. He didnt leave the house, we have a ring door bell, he left only for a haircut which he was out and home in 45 minutes, my son was home aswell. Same thing for the last time he was off, he was off for a week. He went to meet his son for his birthday and that was it.
Like i said, not making excuses, just saying i dont know how or when they would get time. All this is bad enough for me anyway! To be honest i think if i said to him if i did this too him how would he feel, i dont think he would be hurt or bothered. He would just leave and not feel emotion. He is autistic aswell so having a full deep conversation with him about worries never gets far

Take the wheel. Don't even mention the photos. Just tell him you no longer feel the same any more for him and want to break up. Ask him to prepare to leave when the kids are away.

Don't get drawn into whether he cheated or not. You know he did and you know he will deny it and attack you for invading his privacy so why put yourself through it? Its not like he'll bring up the photos is it?

Did you ever see the scene in the sopranos where Carmella finds a fake nail, knowing her husband cheated, she takes 50k out of his stash, leaving the fake nail instead. He knows she took the money and is furious but can't say shit to her, because he knows she knows he cheated. And she's sitting there just coolly reading her paper and offers him a coffee.

I havent seen that but my god i wish i was that bad ass! Wish he had 50k to take aswell 😂 ive come in the bedroom and grabbed my pjs and sleepmask and ive just walked out and got into bed with my youngest. He said " where you going?" I said nothing in reply xx

Do you think there’s a chance these pictures haven’t been shared with him exclusively but instead they’ve been passed round at work by other male colleagues? He then may have made the spliced together picture - but the rest could be shared by other men he’s working with?
Is it a particularly misogynistic / male environment?
This would have serious ramifications if it were the case - and is abhorrent. But isn’t quite the same as cheating. Is he on a work WhatsApp group?

@Hopeless1686, they’ve managed to build an illicit relationship that includes nude, revealing, everyday, and fantasy photos, so they must be interacting 1:1 at some point during the work day and, of course, via messaging afterward.

You cannot have an authentic reconciliation or equitable relationship if he (1) doesn’t feel empathy or remorse (2) won’t accept full responsibility for his transgressions or (3) refuses to provide honesty, transparency, and open communication.

I echo that you should end things immediately and cease driving him to work and providing him with domestic services.

No he isnt on a work chat group and one of the deleted things was a 6 second video of her sitting in her car but i didnt press it and listen to it. I wish i did to hear what she said but my hands were shaking way too much. I just saw red and deleted them. He must of gone looking for them yesterday once he got home cos he came down so annoyed so he didnt delete them cos he didnt want them, he put them in the recycle bin in the hope i wouldnt look there. It was definitly her two photos that i deleted last year, it must of been exactly a year ago i think. There were around 15-20 different photos this time.

He has never been one to be a manly man either. He does talk to the men at work sometimes but whenever i talk to him on his break he just seems to be getting on with work, being very busy at the moment, like non stop as he deals with deliveries coming in and out. I cant say i have seen her around lately. If its the person i vagualy remember then i havent seen her in the shop for about 2-3 years but i rarely go in

He was also searching on the job sites last night. He was sitting for a while searching through. He isnt very happy with his body at the moment. He has put some weight on as we couldnt work out for around 9 months due to his pain he was getting. He was having all over joint pain to the point where he was signed off for 2 weeks and is under a clinic and having test. At the moment its got better, maybe the nicer weather so he is trying to work out again- hence going upstairs yesterday. He cant find in lots of his t shirts/trousers now so he wants to get back healthy. He hates his body so i couldnt even fathom how he would show it off to someone else

And the other thing thats playing on my mind are why are they in the recycle bin- deleted photos and not the normal secure folder gallery. When i opened his phone the first time of seeing them on friday, i noticed the secure folder on recently used apps and also the archived messages on his whatsapp, its like he recieved the message/photo, and put it straight in the recycle bin. Some of the photo had 20 days left on them so they were put in there 10 days ago, ones down the bottom had 15 days left. So they arent being refreshed. He was in a really bad mood this morning. I stupidly took him to work this morning as im trying to play the long game until my children have gone and i messaged as normal and he was so cold, no usual I love you. I dont know if he is pissed i dont trust him or pissed the photos have gone

@Hopeless1686 you are going to make yourself really poorly going over the finer details about the photos.
He is a cheat and a liar. He is living a life away from you that’s not acceptable.
Men are different than women about showing their bodies. Whoever this woman is, she’s shown him a bit of attention and he’s jumped at it.
While I agree you don’t want a showdown in front of the children you can tell him the relationship is over and sort out the details when they have gone.
It is common on threads like yours for the heartbroken OP to describe their partner in huge detail, but we know little about them. You have got lost along the way.
Imagine a life where you get up in the morning free of this worry? You are torturing yourself and it’s bad for your health. He will know that and he doesn’t care.
He would rather you make yourself poorly than own up to who he is.
He is a liar. And that’s it. You can’t be happy with a liar. You will live on your nerves and drive yourself mad.
Time stamps, numbers of photos, when they were taken doesn’t matter. He’s been untrue and he’s hidden it.
Start thinking about yourself, the future you would like for you and your DC.
Find your anger. And don’t look to him for answers or apologies because they will never happen.
You deserve better, start by treating yourself with care and respect.

You don’t owe anyone trust. Trust is a fragile thing that is built with trustworthy actions and can be destroyed by careless ones. Him being pissed because you don’t trust him is ridiculous. Your intuition told you something was wrong, it was because he was being untrustworthy and now your trust in him is gone. If he uses that against you agree with him. You don’t trust him because he is NOT trustworthy. That’s a him problem not you. And agree that your relationship cannot function without trust which his actions have destroyed.

I trust my husband around other women because his actions have shown him to be trustworthy. If his actions changed and caused me to doubt him I wouldn’t have a problem checking his devices to confirm my trust wasn’t misplaced. If it showed him to be untrustworthy I certainly wouldn’t allow him to make me the guilty party.

He’s ignoring you and playing the injured party to regain some control of the situation. Don’t pander to it or message him on his breaks. Look up ‘grey rock’ and start doing it. He doesn’t deserve your energy or emotion.

I can't do this 😪😪 oh god it hurts so so much. I can't breathe, i cant function. It feels like im having a panic attack 😭

I agree with all of this except it's time to toughen up and show YOURSELF who the fuck you are.

Come on OP, focus on you, raise your standards - make them a total non negotiable and then it'll be easy to set him loose as you realise he gets nowhere near them. He's a loser. Get rid.

What 'why' could he give you that would make you feel better about yourself, this relationship or any of the shitty things that have happened?

Confronting him just opens the floor to more gaslighting, deflecting, disrespect and you will stick be stuck.

You're at the point where you have to take responsibility for your happiness and well-being. He cannot serve that purpose, so you can stay in the gutter with him or start working on getting rid of him. You have to believe you are worth more than this and start moving towards your happiness.

I dont know what 'why' he could give. Feels like my whole life is falling apart x

Your lives seem deeply intertwined—you’re constantly in each other’s presence, talking or messaging when apart, moving across the country together. That level of closeness probably makes his deception feel like a double betrayal; not only has he been sneaking around behind your back, but he’s done so successfully, right under your nose. But perhaps that also reveals something important: a false sense of closeness. If he can hide so much from you, was he ever truly open with you in the first place? Do you really know this man?

You mention that he never really talks about anything meaningful. That suggests your conversations—and perhaps your relationship as a whole—are surface-level. There’s no real emotional depth or vulnerability.

And then there’s this: “To be honest, I think if I did this to him, he wouldn’t be hurt or bothered. He would just leave and not feel emotion.”

That’s incredibly telling. If you believe he wouldn’t care, if he wouldn’t be devastated by losing you, then you’re not in a relationship with someone who truly values you. Love should make you feel seen, cherished, and irreplaceable—not like an option that could be easily discarded.

You also know deep down that you can’t have an honest conversation with him about what you’ve found. You can’t say, “Explain to me why you have sexual photos of your work colleague on your phone” and expect real accountability. Worse, he knows that you know, and yet you both continue as if nothing has changed—him sulking, you unable to confront him. That’s is deeply unhealthy and if this has been going on for years it’s no wonder your self-worth has been eroded.

It’s heartbreaking to love someone who betrays you, but ask yourself: is this love, or just attachment? A relationship without trust, depth, or emotional safety isn’t a relationship at all—it’s a cycle of pain. You deserve better than this.

So i blurted it out. He messaged on his breaks still but was very cold in his replies so i just said "look, im being honest with you so be honest with me, i know that you are aware ive seen those photos, a woman at work, naked etc etc. I am so heartbroken and disgusted. You are pissed at me for something you have done"
He was typing away a reply for ages and ages. The first one was " things havent been the same for a while, you are so upset with how you look, who you are, for some reason you became so unhappy when everything was good"
My reply- "so you cheated, something you said you would never do to someone else cos you know the pain"
Him- "I havent cheated on you, yes i know the photos are bad and i never discouraged her from sending then which was wrong of me, i hold my hands up to that"
He said he never made the photo up of her and him. But she got the photo of him some how.
Me- " you work with her every day, knowing youve seen her naked body"
Him- "i should of told her not to send them, it was wrong of me"
I asked how long its been going on- i asked a few times but he never actually answered that- and what else happens at work
Him- " nothing happens at work"
" so you just ignore her at work knowing youve looked at her naked body,how did you even get into the conversation of her sending you those kind of photos"
Him- " i've never done anything with her, if you dont believe me then i dont blame you, thats on me, and we just talk at work"
Me- " so you just asked for naked photos"
Him- "No not at all"
Me- "how did she get your number then!"
Him- " i put my number on the board at work for when i was away on holiday incase anyonr had questions about deliveries"- he is the delivery manager.
When i asked why did he has sex with me last week then, he said cos all i seem to care about is sex. I said well now i know why you havent had sex with me for 9 months, he said he hasnt had sex with me cos i put him off having sex with me cos im so down and i hide my body from him all the time and that he hates his body but he never hides from me.
I said he could told her to stop. " I should of, i hold my hands up to that"
I said if you wanted to be with her then you should of just told me rather than making me feel so worthless "I DONT WANT HER, but you nevrr trusted me this whole relationship and now it will be 10x worse. I am so sorry for hurting you, i never wanted to do that. This is all on me"
" i never wanted to split up but all i feel like is i just exsist, i go to work so i can give everyone nice things and thats all i feel good for"
"I did wrong and im so sorry, its all my fault"