Thought things were getting better

[Hopeless1686]

I posted a a year or 2 ago about my worries with my partner and a female collegue. She moved branches and as far as i know they havent seen eachother anymore.
Things were better with us....probably shows i was dumb to stay as shes gone and we got better 🙄 well our sex life took a dive. 9 months without anything. He had pain/medical issues so i just left it. We had sex for the first time last weekend. Something just niggled me at the sudden change. I done the bad thing and checked his phone again this morning. Saw he had looked at his secure folder on recent apps. I opened the recycling bin on it and there is i would say over 20-25 photos of a woman- NOT the collegue i was worried about. A couple of naked photos. Loads of her fully clothed- selfie. One photo is a photo of him and a seperate photo of her made into a side by side. I dont know if she made it or him but got a feeling its him.
I cant say anything to him as he got annoyed i looked through his phone years ago when he was adament nothing went on with him and this collegue. I dont know who this woman is. Im sick to my stomach. He goes to work, comes home and we are always together- he doesnt like going out on nights out. Doesnt have many friends. I saw photos of this woman about a year ago in his deleted photos on gallery but to me they looked like photos of a random woman that was on insta so i stupidly brushed it off. He told me a few weeks ago when i said i felt ugly and he could do better that i need to stop saying that as if he wanted anything different he wouldnt be here. Jokes on me obviously

How are you doing @Hopeless1686 ?

Sorry. I just wanted to take some time. I appreciated everyones replies and advicr but i think i was just getting overwhelmed. I managed to eat today properly for the first time since tuesday, actually got a bit of sleep last night. I had two days off work as i just couldnt face seeing people and bursting into tears.
Literally no words spoken.
I keep bursting into tears so im trying to keep my head busy
Ive tried to not try and talk to him and text him cos i just need space.
Weather was nice today so i put some clothes on ive not been confident to wear and i was sitting in the sun in the garden with my cat x

Thank you for checking in on me xx

Just a little update.
The rest of this week has been hard. We both have sort of given eachother space due to the kids being at home and emotions being high. Yesterday- Mother's Day was hard. I went to my mums with the kids for the afternoon.
After i had put them to bed there was a knock at the door. He had ordered me my most favourite dessert from the best dessert place. We both looked at eachother and gave a look- we have both said sorry in messsges, me for being so low and negative- i accept i had issues too. The look was we knew that things had happened and we are both hurt. I dont wabt to keeo dragging up this OW as it will just keep on draining me. I believe nothing else has gone on. I have deleted the messages that we have both sent this week as i dont wabt to keep going over them and hurting myself. Ive booked in with a therapist to help me with my confidence and low feelings and he has been looking for anither job that doesnt drain him and drag him down.
For now its not perfect, but i need a bit more time and i feel stronger than i did last week.
I know most of you will think im a push over but its not that easy xxx

Glad you are starting to feel stronger. Please prioritise yourself and I hope everything works out for you and you can find happiness.

Poor lass, do whatever you can, when you can, your strength may come over time.

It really does take time to acclimatize to a changing relationship, this is what's happening, you cannot turn back time but you cannot ignor how this has affected you.

Your mind and body will react when it's ready, whether that is to accept him with his flaws or to try to move on, you are still very young and should not close off oppotunities to make new friends, male or female.

Make yourself the central person, not him, learn to detatch and place yourself first, it's time.

Too many women put men before themselves, yes they think it keeps the relationship connected and alive but in many cases the men are too selfish to appreciate this, your partner is one of those who takes other people for granted.

Learn to stand tall on your own, you don't need a man to hold your hand through this life, you will be ok.

It is that not easy but I feel for you.
We just want the pain to pass and accept the route which minimises it. We have all been there.
You need to work on your opinion of you.
But how you will trust this man when the dust has settled I have no idea.
Take care of yourself.

Thank you. I dont even know what i want to do right now. I may never be able to come back from it but for now i am concentrating on myself. I dont want to feel ugly or negative anymore. I want ti enjoy life with my children and i have told him that if he cant handle the life we gave him then dont hang around and break me while you are at it cos the grass isnt always greener xx

As long as you put you and your DC at the centre of your life now, that is all that matters.

I may never be able to come back from it

Oh come on OP, it's just a short relationship. People come back from being divorced after decades, after being widowed, after all sorts of trauma. Heck, you yourself have probably come back from worse things.

You've got to stop catastrophising.

Thanks for your opinion but i meant come back from what he did. Not our relationship but saying that to someone who has been hurt and feels so low doesnt help. May seem like a 'short' relationship to you but to me its my life

Yeah, sorry.

I think I'll leave your thread now as it seems like you're taking him back and I think it's a mistake. I don't think you'd appreciate my thoughts on it.

Good luck with everything.

👋

@Hopeless1686, be sure that you have all the facts that you need to make a wise decision. On 3/27 at 11:44 you commented that there were still unanswered questions. You are the betrayed here. Your Partner doesn’t get to refuse to provide the answers that you need.

Relationship counsellors advise that transparency is a requirement for successful recovery. P and OW have massively disrespected you, and his refusal to be forthcoming further marginalizes you.

*How long has photogate been going on? You previously said that he failed to answer that question. How long has he intentionally allowed OW to pursue him?

*What was said or messaged between them regarding the photos? Do they engage in flirty banter? She certainly felt motivated to continue, so they weren’t just talking about the weather when she was sending him nudes and selfies. Did he reciprocate with intimate pictures?

*How did he feel about her reaching out to him? He needs to be honest with himself and with you about that. He may not have actually wanted to be with her, but he was clearly flattered by her attention and was willing to humiliate you to continue receiving it.

*What specific action has he taken to nuke this sordid arrangement? What exactly has he said to shut down and cut off OW?

@Hopeless1686, you have the right to expect answers to all of these questions, and if he is remorseful he will patiently provide that. Do not allow him to manipulate you by balking/refusing/blanking/pushing back/shifting blame.

Hi everyone.
So in the paat few hours he has broken up with me. Last night we were ok. We had spoken loads, i had been working on myself seperatly from the relationship.
I picked up his phone this morning, yes my head was playing gamea again, but i didnt go through it. I stopped myself, i hadnt gone through it since i found those photos. I put it back down before i did anything stupid. Turns out he had placed it in a certain way so he knew i had been on it. This morning he was moody. I messaged him in the morning as he usually messages me and he didnt. He replied in a way i could tell wasnt happy. I asked whats wrong as it seemed things were ok. He said " things will never be the same and im mentally drained and i cant give anymore" after messages back and forth, feeling confused as to what had happened from last night to now, he said "i know you went down my phone this morning and after that i knew i was done" he said he hasnt put himself first before and now he has to and its over. I was honest and said i picked it up but i never went on his phone and put it straight down but hes having none of it. Yes im heartbroken, im scared, im hurt. He is just annoyed and wont talk to me anymore and just said its done

I know you are really trying but you are breaking your own heart staying anywhere near this man.
He is playing games and setting traps.
You still have your doubts because of things he’s done to you.
I know it’s really hard but you need to let him go.
You need to get better for yourself, in your own time, and heal from all of this.
Edited to add: I think what he’s saying is absolute bullshit. I suspect if you’d gone into his phone you’d have found something else. He is punishing you and it’s really unhealthy. Gaslighting, blaming you so he can walk away so you think it’s your fault.
Appalling behaviour.

Hard as it is - it's for the best. You are not in a place where you can be in a relationship with anyone. You need to find your own self-esteem and stop putting yourself down and comparing yourself to everybody else.
And he needs to move on too.

@Hopeless1686 i expected this to be an update that it’s now the Easter holidays the kids are away and you had brought up his bad behaviour .instead he has looked for an excuse to end things and blame you .

I hope he stays gone and you get therapy .
You will go on to see you deserve better .

@Hopeless1686, you are the betrayed party here. After breaching your trust by receiving and keeping a stash of his colleague’s explicit photos, you should have open access to his phone at all times. This transparency is standard in infidelity recovery.

He doesn’t get to forbid your checking his phone.
He doesn’t get to set traps.
He doesn’t get to dictate what you need to heal and feel safe.

Did he ever answer the questions that I brought up on April 1 at 7:41 or did you reconcile without knowing the full truth, including (1) how long his betrayal had been going on and (2) what definitive action has he taken to shut things down with OW.

@Hopeless1686, please stop clinging to this untrustworthy man. He cheats on you, deprives you of the transparency you need, and treats you with contempt by setting traps. Being with him is a form of self-harm, so please walk away.

@MsDogLady no he never answered any of them. I dont even know if they are still being sent. I got nothing left. Im exhausted

Then you agree with him that this can’t go on. He’s the one who betrayed your trust and should be making it right with full transparency not setting traps and then claiming to be the victim.

You need to stand up for yourself. You have done nothing wrong and he is living in your house and treating you like crap. He’s not serious about moving out. Why would he when you do everything for him and he gets to have you grovelling whenever he makes a mistake. In the kindest way possible you need to find your self esteem and lay the law down in your own home. If he’s not willing to accept what you need to be happy then he needs to go or this will become a never ending cycle.

He is more upset that i "went through his phone" i picked it up but talked myself out of it. He says that ive never trusted him and he cant do it anymore as he is mentally tired and got nothing left.
He will probably leave, he wont stay here but he knows he wont be able to afford to rent

OP I say this gently.
You need to be away from this man.
He has seen you working on your self esteem over the last week's, he has seen you trying to get better, to get yourself back to a happy, healthy mind and he DOESN'T LIKE IT
You are suddenly not the Hopeless 1686 and he sees you trying to improve your mental health.
Men like him cannot stand this, they want you insecure, worn down so they can feel superior.
You had caught him out in his and his colleagues grubby picture sharing and collecting and he now needs to get back at you.
By saying he is splitting with you for picking his phone up is beyond abusive and manipulative.
He wants you to collapse in a big heap on the floor and beg him not to leave, that you will never upset HIM again by looking at his phone!
He is a manipulative nasty man, who will continue to try to get you down again, they feel better about themselves if you are down
Let him fuck off
Let him be a righteous prick
Tell him you think it's for the best and let's split amicably and watch him turn nasty.

Wow, how rich is that. @Hopeless1686, the truth is that he is untrustworthy!

He's had a sleazy arrangement with the OW at work for at least a year, and you’ll never know the half of it. You caught him out but he refuses to come clean about any of it, yet he takes issue with your picking up his phone. After his betrayal he should have been showing you his phone unprompted and giving you carte blanche to look through it any time you wanted to. It is troubling that you didn’t set any transparency requirements when you reconciled. It’s like you believe you deserve to be abused so cling to crumbs.

@Hopeless1686, this is not a good man. He is treating you with utter contempt, and has probably never shut down his dalliance with OW. If you stay with him you will become diminished beyond recognition. Please let him go.

For God’s sake find some self respect, and get rid. He’s run rings round you, treated you like shit and now he’s finished? Kick him out please.