Thought things were getting better

[Hopeless1686]

I posted a a year or 2 ago about my worries with my partner and a female collegue. She moved branches and as far as i know they havent seen eachother anymore.
Things were better with us....probably shows i was dumb to stay as shes gone and we got better 🙄 well our sex life took a dive. 9 months without anything. He had pain/medical issues so i just left it. We had sex for the first time last weekend. Something just niggled me at the sudden change. I done the bad thing and checked his phone again this morning. Saw he had looked at his secure folder on recent apps. I opened the recycling bin on it and there is i would say over 20-25 photos of a woman- NOT the collegue i was worried about. A couple of naked photos. Loads of her fully clothed- selfie. One photo is a photo of him and a seperate photo of her made into a side by side. I dont know if she made it or him but got a feeling its him.
I cant say anything to him as he got annoyed i looked through his phone years ago when he was adament nothing went on with him and this collegue. I dont know who this woman is. Im sick to my stomach. He goes to work, comes home and we are always together- he doesnt like going out on nights out. Doesnt have many friends. I saw photos of this woman about a year ago in his deleted photos on gallery but to me they looked like photos of a random woman that was on insta so i stupidly brushed it off. He told me a few weeks ago when i said i felt ugly and he could do better that i need to stop saying that as if he wanted anything different he wouldnt be here. Jokes on me obviously

So so sorry OP.
At least you know now, you weren’t imagining things, your gut instinct was correct.

I just dont know what to do 😪😪 i carried on as normal this morning. Took him to work, said goodbye then cried the whole way home. I dont know how to bring it up and i know as soon as i do it will be "you didnt trust me to go through my phone again" or if i told you the truth you wouldnt believe me.
I took a photo of the photos and in my anger i deleted them from his folder. I know he will know now but i wanted to show him i knew

Taking all my strength not to go to his work today and find them both and just say they are welcome to eachother. Im sitting on the bed trying to stop crying ready for when my children wake up and get them ready for school but i just cant stop.

The important thing is not that you checked his phone, that's the way he's been gaslighting you and diverting you and making you feel like the bad guy.

The important thing is that he's cheating.

You don’t need to tell him that you’ve seen the photos.
Just tell him that you want to end the relationship. That it isn’t working for you, that you aren’t happy. You can end a relationship for whatever reason you want.
Please find some inner strength. You will never get a truthful answer to why so don’t even bother asking. You have wasted enough time with this man that doesn’t deserve you. Don’t give him the opportunity to twist it round on you. Just make him leave if it’s your house or move out if it’s his (obviously that’s more difficult as you need somewhere to go).

I start typing a message out to him but just keep deleting it.
I've been physically sick. It hurts. How could i have been so so stupid!

You need to protect yourself financially. I know you want to confront him but there is nothing he will tell you that will make this hurt less. He’ll either admit to it or gaslight you. Decide what you want, get your ducks in a row and then you can tell him.

I dont think i can protect myself financially. I am UC and i work 2 hours a day. He works full time.
He currently pays the electric/gas and my phone bill as i couldnt get a new contract due to bad credit thanks to my ex husband leaving me with debts that he caused.
I dont think i can bear to let him near me when he comes home later. He will know something is off if he hasnt already seen ive deleted the photos.
I am supposed to pick him up from work later and im debating going in there 15 minutes early and seeing if she is there and just tell him im not bringing him home and he can ask her to put him up and collect his shit when im out of the house.
If i hadnt of looked at his phone i honestly wouldnt of known any of this and would if carried on being the mug that i am

I understand the impulse to blow up at him but I honestly think in the long run you will regret it. He is going to expect you to lose it and he will convince himself that this is why he cheated, because you pushed him away with your insecurities.

I would stay calm. If you can’t be around him anymore then pack your bags, send him one message ‘I know and I deserve better’ and then block him. The silence will hurt more than your anger. He will twist everything and you will lose all control.

Have you got anywhere to stay?

Im the only tenancy holder. He and my children are named as living here but i am the sole tenancy holder.
I get it, its just so hard 😪 i gave him everything. He convinced me that he hates cheaters and would never hurt someone the way he has been hurt. He was disgusted at his collegue cheating with someone at work. I wish i listened to that video she sent. Im trying to get ready for work but i just keep breaking down. So glad i listened to my gut. Just feel dirty now as we had sex last sunday and if he has been with her 🤢

It’s great that it’s your tenancy. I would tell someone IRL what is going on to get support. Speak to your benefits office to find out whether you are entitled to any more if he is no longer living there. Focus your anger on preparing for a life without him. That way any decision you make will be based on what you want, not because you need him.

He has gaslit you and you know it. He is using your trauma responses to his last boundary pushing behaviour to convince you that you are the problem. The problem is the person with naked photos of his colleague on his phone. Don’t forget that.

You don’t need to be blameless in the situation to decide that this relationship isn’t healthy for you. You may never know what has happened between them but it doesn’t matter. What you do know is enough for you not to trust him. His actions don’t match his words. He hates cheaters but he’s ok with this behaviour. He understands what it’s like to be cheated on but he’s won’t have a conversation and be transparent with you.

If I was you I would walk away with my head held high. Don’t beg for an explanation. Tell him what you know and say it’s a dealbreaker for you. If it really is innocent then let him scramble to explain it all. It’s not up to you to fix his mistakes.

He wouldnt scramble to explain anything. He never admits he is wrong. He never talks about anything.
I will never understand why if someone isnt happy that they dont just break up with their partner first. This whole time it feels like he has just stayed with me for an easy life cos he wouldnt be able to afford to live alone

People who cheat aren’t decent. You will never understand the behaviour because you are decent.
They will have a lovely family at home and cheat. They will lie and break the hearts in their home, to get what they want.
They get stuck in their behaviours - a cycle of lying, cheating, blaming everyone but themselves.
You have done nothing wrong here. Your gut has told you all along. But using your energy to try and understand, or trying to get him to explain, or feel sorry for what he’s done, is a waste and you are worth more.

He has messaged me on his breaks today. Ive just been so cold with my replies. I cant force myself to pretend.
He asked if i slept ok and i said no, he asked why and i started writing out the reason, "seeing those photos of her and im not sorry i looked cos i had been doubting myself and if i was good enough and i had to see if there was a reason for him changing. I looked cos i deserved the truth as a human being and im physically disgusted that you could do this to me and my children when i trusted you with my heart"
But i ended up copying and pasting it and then deleted it and stored the words in my notes until i got the things laid out to leave and replied with "i dont know why"
Im dreading this evening when we are both at home. I might say i got a headache and go to bed at 7pm when my children do.
Thank you all so much for your words of support. I got no one else to talk to x

Then what does he bring to your life? Why spend your energy on someone who won’t even talk to you about anything of substance? Spend time with your kids, family and friends. Don’t waste your life trying to get validation from him.

Well he knows about me deleting the photos for sure. Came home from work, went up to work out and came downstairs and has that stoney face and is sitting in silence. When he first came home he was his usual self, tried to give me a hug. He went up, obviously tried to look for then for some self pleasure while up there and found nothing. Now he is sulking cos his photos have gone.

I think you need to ask him to leave tonight. He knows you know. There is literally no point in confronting him - he’ll DARVO, you know this. And if he confesses - which is very unlikely - what will that help?
There are literally no good reasons to have those photos on his phone. The very act in itself is cheating. You have hard irrefutable proof he is a cheat.
Do you want to stay with a cheat? Because anything other than ending it and kicking him out now is accepting it, and he will do it again and again.
The first time he did it wasn’t about you, it was just because he’s a deceitful cheat. The second time is about you though - because you let him get away with it the first time.

Be the role model for your girls that shows them how women as great as yourself deserve to be treated.

Sorry, i dont know what DARVO means x

Deny Attack Reverse Victim & Offender.

So basically lying to your face: denying any wrongdoing, then having a go at you, and making out that he's the victim and what you do is worse than what he did. In his case, he'll make it all about you looking at his phone.

Ah ok. Yep. Seems exactly that. He is doing his stonewalling/shutting down thing now. From how 'normal' he was when he got in to how he is after being upstairs apparently working out, he is like chalk and cheese.
He is either annoyed i got rid of them or annoyed I "dont trust him" to have looked 🙄 as soon as my children go next Saturday im driving home and asking him to leave. I have done nothing wrong,always put him and my children first. Done nothing but support him, drive him to and from work, drove him an hour to his hospital appointments last month, make dinners, do the washing. Im being treated more like his mum than his girlfriend.

It’s an abusive manipulation tactic:
https://www.keystonelaw.com/keynotes/understanding-darvo-what-is-abusive-gaslighting-and-coercive-behaviour-in-a-relationship#:~:text=It%20is%20an%20acronym%20for,by%20manipulating%20partners%20into%20submission.

It’s what he did last time - deflect the issue from him having hard proof he’s cheated by turning the conversation around to it being about you checking his phone. x

@Hopeless1686 he sounds vile. Why do you think you don’t deserve better?

You’ve been together years and proven yourself to be supportive and loyal.

He hasn’t.

Yet you’ve put him on a pedestal he doesn’t deserve.

Think of how he’s made you feel these past few years. Sad, lonely, anxious, stressed, jealous, lacking in confidence and self esteem.

Now picture a life where, after the immediate shock and disappointment, he can never make you feel those things again.

He knows how little you think of yourself and he uses that to his advantage. Stonewalls you. Punishes you for not giving him the privacy to behave badly and disloyally behind your back. He believes his hype, that you should be grateful he’s just here.

A man doesn’t behave like this. He’s acting like a boy. And actually that’s quite insulting to a lot of boys who would never treat another person like this.

You CAN do better. You ARE better than him. YOU are the catch, not him…I personally wouldn’t want him, I’m sure the vast majority if not all of Mumsnet would also turn him down after reading this thread.

So short term pain for long term gain?

or a lifetime of this?

The choice is yours op, but whilst you cling on to the rubbish, you prevent yourself from finding treasure.

Lots of cliches there for you op, but seriously, he’s a waste of your time and energy.

Im crying. You are all so supportive and your words in your reply just hit me. He has the looks but not the heart and care of a nice man. I hoped so badly that things would be different but unfortunalty not.

Im sitting next to him being punished for something he has done wrong. Getting ignored for his infidelity.
Im so glad i have this group as i havent spoken to anyone else about this. My mum would hit the roof, i dont have any friends apart from a few at work and my work environment is not somewhere to talk about an issue like this. Im so busy being a mum and working that i havent made any friends in the 4 years we have lived here- we moved 2 hours away from our previous town