Thought things were getting better

[Hopeless1686]

I posted a a year or 2 ago about my worries with my partner and a female collegue. She moved branches and as far as i know they havent seen eachother anymore.
Things were better with us....probably shows i was dumb to stay as shes gone and we got better 🙄 well our sex life took a dive. 9 months without anything. He had pain/medical issues so i just left it. We had sex for the first time last weekend. Something just niggled me at the sudden change. I done the bad thing and checked his phone again this morning. Saw he had looked at his secure folder on recent apps. I opened the recycling bin on it and there is i would say over 20-25 photos of a woman- NOT the collegue i was worried about. A couple of naked photos. Loads of her fully clothed- selfie. One photo is a photo of him and a seperate photo of her made into a side by side. I dont know if she made it or him but got a feeling its him.
I cant say anything to him as he got annoyed i looked through his phone years ago when he was adament nothing went on with him and this collegue. I dont know who this woman is. Im sick to my stomach. He goes to work, comes home and we are always together- he doesnt like going out on nights out. Doesnt have many friends. I saw photos of this woman about a year ago in his deleted photos on gallery but to me they looked like photos of a random woman that was on insta so i stupidly brushed it off. He told me a few weeks ago when i said i felt ugly and he could do better that i need to stop saying that as if he wanted anything different he wouldnt be here. Jokes on me obviously

I was ready for him to deny it or not talk other than moan about me looking but he never mentioned that. Im just dead inside.

OP, he is showing you who he is. Instead of working on your relationship problems he is wanking over another woman's naked photos. Admitting it does not make him noble. He is deflecting the blame on you while pretending to take fault. It is so disrespectful and just gross. Please find your strength and toss this disgusting creature out. Not all men are like this. There are so many decent men who would treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You deserve better. Please see that.

No woman sends sexual pictures of themself without invitation.
However, on the off chance this woman has been sending unsolicited pictures of herself to him for over a year, tell him that if she has got his private number off of the board and and has been sending sexually explicit pictures without his consent he needs to report her to HR for sexual harassment and invasion of privacy. If he won’t do that you have proof he is lying (if you need it).

While you’re at it, point out that the reason you have no trust in him and the reason you’ve been ‘so unhappy’ is because a year ago you caught him receiving sexual pictures which he never owned up to, and this is the second time, in a year that you have caught him receiving sexually explicit picture from the very same colleague. You don’t trust him because he has given you reason not to trust him.

Op, I’m glad you confronted him and he hasn’t tried to deny it. It sounds like you don’t want to break up with him. But please, you need to set boundaries. Maybe couples counselling to talk this through will help you, but to be honest it sounds like he wants out of the relationship.

What he is essentially saying is it’s your fault because of your insecurities. I think we would all feel insecure if our partner stopped wanting to have sex with us and instead chose to sext with his colleague. He admits ‘it’s all on me’ but not really and then complains you’re going to hold him responsible for his actions by not trusting him.

Don't take any of the blame for this.

If his version is the truth he should report her to HR. The only reason not to would be a) he wants her to continue to work there and enjoys the attention b) he knows an investigation would show he was equally culpable (and probably sent her pictures too). Or both.

You need to stand up for yourself. He is right that if you don’t love yourself first he won’t love you either. Listen to that and love yourself by standing up to his BS.

Also, this is cheating.
Speak to the girl at work and get her version of events. They won’t match his that’s for sure.

I know its cheating. He may not think it but it is and i told that cos i said im sure if i was recieving photos from my male colleague he would be livid and think of it as cheating.
I didnt pick him up from work, he walked home which took him over an hour and half. He has come in and gone straight upstairs and shut himself away in the bedroom. He said on the text that there isnt much else to talk about other than he never fell out of love with me but his stupidity will for sure kill my trust 10x more than what it was- i said well i was right not to trust you wasnt i?!

Coward. If he wants to make things right (regardless of whether you stay in the relationship) he needs to start communicating with you not hiding away. I'd tell him that.

I’m sure you’re hurting that he doesn’t even seem to want to try and fix this. That he doesn’t want to try and rebuild trust - he should be bending over backwards to show you how he’s going to make this right.
What do you want to do? Do you want to talk to him? Do you want space? Do you want to kick him out.
I know you said he’s autistic- which is no excuse - but does he need specific instructions on what you expect of him now?

Please remember your worth. What would your advice be to a friend going through this? Do that.
How dare he cone home and shut himself away, designed to punish you. Rather than an adult response, to face you and discuss it.

You need to think about what you really want. If he is telling you the truth could you forgive it and move on or would you always be worrying what is happening when he’s on his phone or at work?

If you want to know if he is telling the truth you could ask him to recover his WhatsApp messages (he deletes WhatsApp and reinstalls it- you can look up instructions on how to do this). That way he can prove he never initiated any contact or encouraged those photos. If he’s not willing to do that then he is lying.

Im sorry OP but glad he is at least taking some responsibility. Albeit he seems incapable of actually making it right.

I dont know what i want to do. Right now i just want the pain to stop hurting 🥺 i cant breathe. I couldnt breathe when he replied and told me. I dropped to the floor like ive been punched in the gut and just hyperventilated.
I dont think he wants to "work it out" he seems to think that i will never be the girl i was when we met and what he has done will have hurt me and make me trust even less which will probably be true.
This is the first time he has apolgised for hurting me.
"I'm sorry for hurting you, I never ever wanted to do that. This is all on me"

Oh op, you would be so much happier without him, that's for sure. If you stay, he's going to continue to mess with your head and your insecurities will never get better either.

He did it once and you forgave him and tried to move on together. He's betrayed you again. I wouldn't be waiting for him to do this a third time personally.

Yes, this is still sexual and emotional infidelity. And although he made a lip-service apology after being caught with the nude photos, he continues to deflect to your issues and swerve communication.

He and OW talk at work and share a dirty secret together, and a frisson. She has been sending him her naked photos to masturbate over and he hasn’t shut her down. It’s clear to her that he welcomes her intimate pictures and all the others. It’s clear to her that he is okay with the picture featuring them as a couple.

A faithful and decent Partner would have put an immediate stop to OW’s line crossing, but instead he colluded with her by allowing and perpetuating it for at least a year. He enjoyed having a flirtation and wank buddy, so he withdrew affection and intimate attention from you for 9 months.

His colleagues will have noticed their spark at work and at the Christmas party. He was 100% on that sneaky call with her or another woman after that event.

@Hopeless1686, he has treated you with great disrespect and disloyalty. (And this is not the first time.) He is now shutting you out and is clearly not motivated to move mountains to restore your trust. You will be doing yourself a grave disservice if you do the pick me dance instead of ending this toxic relationship immediately.

Thats the thing, the fact that shes at work with him everyday just messes with my head. And i dont know if all this has made him feel bad for hurting me and he blocks her. He said nothing else has happened between them and he hasnt "cheated" so he obviously thinks physical things like kissing and so on. But this is cheating.
Him going upstairs is what i expected but also expected him to not confess and say he was wrong and he never ever wanted to hurt me.

You need to take back some control here Op. If you want to end it, make sure it’s on your terms. If you want to see if you can work through it make it clear to him you want a dialogue - that yes trust has to be earned but you might be willing to try and move forward with specific conditions. He blocks her, he finds a new job, you have joint counselling to address these wider issues, you agree boundaries etc (he reports her to HR).
At the moment he’s making you feel extra shit because he’s admitted it, then blamed you for wanting sex, told you you’ll never trust him again and implied you’ve changed so much he doesn’t want you anymore. He’s controlling this situation - maybe because he’s protecting himself, maybe because he was looking for a way out anyway.

Go and show him who the fuck you are - a gorgeous, kind and valuable woman who chooses who she wants to spend her life with, and knows her worth. Either go and tell it’s over and he needs to get out, or go and tell you want to a grown up conversation about where you go from here. Or ask your mum to come over and stay with the girls and go away for the night if you can.

Don’t let him sit there with the ball in your court, while you feel shit and uncertain.

I suspect he’s also feeling guilty because there’s more to it and he’s still lying. Likely while perhaps not physically cheating there’s certainly more between them than he’s telling you.

I think he has made the choice for me anyway. Ive got no strength to talk tonight. My face is so swollen from crying. Hes just come down to make something to eat but im on the sofa with my daughters and i know he doesnt want any trouble around them.
Maybe he has told the truth, maybe he hasnt but i dont know. He has been looking for another job for the past few months but who knows if he will bother now if this is it. I know if we try- im not saying i want to as my head is an absolute mess right now and i cant even eat. But if we did, there is no way i would accept him staying there. He said himself that nothing has happened and he understands if i dont believe him but i wouldnt be happy him staying there. I just want to sleep and wake up to it all being a dream

He’s a liar and a cheat.
Tell your mum and get some support from your family.
You cannot fix this and neither can he. It is broken.
If you keep him he will move to a new place and there will be a new woman there.
While you have been making yourself ill with worry he’s been upstairs with his phone. Whether he’s slept with her or not, he’s a cheater.
I know you want to stop hurting but the longer you allow him to treat you like this, the longer the pain will last.
Now you know for sure he’s not trustworthy, if you keep
him around, you will stay in this pain.

So what i didnt say is that i said to him in messages today that he is pissed cos he went looking for the photos and found them gone yesterday when he went to work out. I didnt even see the reply he sent until looking through our conversation just now.
He said he didnt look for the photos, he read my book that i wrote in after i found them. I write my worries in there, there are pages and pages of me putting myself down, my concerns about our relationship and how i dont feel good enough. The day i found them and deleted them after finding out she worked with him i wrote in it. I wrote how disgusted i was, that its killed me and how the hell could he do that to me. I left the book on the bed in my rush of getting ready so when he went upstairs he must of read it. He was upset that i was writing all this stuff about not feeling loved or good enough. Im glad i finally got the courage to say i knew and i wanted the truth. The truth hurt, like a punch to the face. I dont think i will get anything else from him now. Tomorrow i will ask him to collect some clothes and leave for the rest of the week and collect what he needs at the weekend.
I am not worried about him being up there with his phone. He will be looking at places to stay. He has no money to rent anywhere yet or hotel but thats not my problem, maybe he should of thought of that before doing what he did

I just want to thank you all for your advice and kind words. Life right now is looking bleak, and that sounds horrible to say as i have children and they are my world but having a partner to laugh and be silly with when the kids arent here is so lovely- yes we can be really silly and good with eachother.
But you have all been so patient with me and stuck around to help me through one of my darkest days.
Xxxx

You deserve absolutely every happiness 💕

Yes, @Hopeless1686, you do deserve happiness and peace of mind, but you won’t have that with this particular man. He enjoys having secret gratifications with OWs, but you are always none the wiser until you check his phone. So far he’s had two dalliances at this job.

It’s rich that he now says ‘I never wanted to hurt you’ when he was happily engaging in sleazy, destructive behavior with this OW which he knew would humiliate and devastate you. The gall of him saying ‘Nothing happened’ when he was accepting and keeping her steady supply of photos for perving over. He actually stole your agency and choices for a year, as you had no clue about their smutty arrangement.

He needs to go. You have daughters and must set a healthy example for them.

I slept downstairs on the sofa. I cried myself to sleep on there after the children went to bed.
We crossed paths this morning, he cant even look at me. I got up from the sofa while he was getting ready to leave for work and he turned around and faced the other way.
Hes gone off to work and i just havent got the energy to get out of bed.

So sorry you are so upset. You have every right to be.
How long have you got your DC with you?
You really need some real life support now.
Please tell your mum and your family. They love you and will be there for you.
I know the pain is terrible, but the pain of staying is so much worse.
So many ladies on here have been where you are and in time have never regretted ending things, and gone on to meet someone decent.

So he doesn’t like you checking his phone, but he reads your diary?