Thought things were getting better

[Hopeless1686]

I posted a a year or 2 ago about my worries with my partner and a female collegue. She moved branches and as far as i know they havent seen eachother anymore.
Things were better with us....probably shows i was dumb to stay as shes gone and we got better 🙄 well our sex life took a dive. 9 months without anything. He had pain/medical issues so i just left it. We had sex for the first time last weekend. Something just niggled me at the sudden change. I done the bad thing and checked his phone again this morning. Saw he had looked at his secure folder on recent apps. I opened the recycling bin on it and there is i would say over 20-25 photos of a woman- NOT the collegue i was worried about. A couple of naked photos. Loads of her fully clothed- selfie. One photo is a photo of him and a seperate photo of her made into a side by side. I dont know if she made it or him but got a feeling its him.
I cant say anything to him as he got annoyed i looked through his phone years ago when he was adament nothing went on with him and this collegue. I dont know who this woman is. Im sick to my stomach. He goes to work, comes home and we are always together- he doesnt like going out on nights out. Doesnt have many friends. I saw photos of this woman about a year ago in his deleted photos on gallery but to me they looked like photos of a random woman that was on insta so i stupidly brushed it off. He told me a few weeks ago when i said i felt ugly and he could do better that i need to stop saying that as if he wanted anything different he wouldnt be here. Jokes on me obviously

Yeah. When i said i know you are annoyed cos you went looking for the photos and saw they werent there you got in a mood with me. He said "i never went looking for the photos at all, i put them straight into recycle bin, i read your book" i just didnt register as i was so upset and literally on the floor hyperventilating, i was screaming out "i cant breathe"
I looked back at the message last night and saw that he said that. But to be honest, yes he did the same as me but all the words in that book are the words ive been too scared to say. How i feel etc. Thats why he is so upset about how i feel cos he feels like i am not happy with myself and im dragging myself down. I get being with a partner who is so negative and doesnt trust you with seeing their body etc is hard but to go and seek validation from someone else isnt the right thing to do

My children leave next saturday, at the start of the holidays and they are away for a week.
Im holding in from telling my mum as she is away back up where we used to live visiting family and she is having a great time, i dont want to ruin it for her and i just cant cope with the arguements right now. I will tell her but at least wait till she is home x

"I have told you the truth, there is no point going over it constantly. I'm angry and I'm hurt. I fully accept what I did was wrong and I understand you being upset with me. I am truly sorry. Like I said yesterday you have never trusted me and it would be 10x worse now. I have tried to make you happy and to make you feel loved but I have failed."

"You didn't deserve it and I am sorry"

"But you used to show me your body, i am the one person you are supposed to be comfortable around. I hate my body but have never thought to cover myself because I am comfortable around you"

‘I am sorry, but…’
Once you hear the but the other person is trying to offload blame

@Hopeless1686 - you are not going to like my post, but I'll give my pov anyway.

Hard as it is to understand anyone's relationship from a few posts - your posts are quire clear on how deeply insecure you are about yourself. And I don't think it is related to this partner - it does seem that the root is from your previous relationship. And I think this insecurity impacted this relationship really badly.

I don't think I could be with someone who was constantly doubting themselves and my feelings. And I certainly won't be able to provide constant re-affirmation you seem to need.

The way you describe your relationship - you drive him to work; then text him; then he spends all his breaks talking to you; then he gets home; he never goes anywhere - is so stifling. And I am guessing it's set-up this way so that your insecurities are not triggered. And still - they are on overdrive all the time.
No relationship can survive long this way.

And then - the intimacy. Hating your body, not wanting to be seen - is your issue. But for any partner - it also reads as a massive and continuous rejection.

You mentioned your partner is autistic, but say not much about how he is. You focus on what he is not doing for you, but it's all seeming one way only. His autism, no doubt also affects the relationship. And no relationship can be only about one person's issues. Which is what you seem to want.

His text to me read like a man who has been ground down. And I think no man is be able to pull you out of your deep self-loathing - no matter how loving. You mention you had therapy, but it sounds you need to have a lot more of it - or you will never be able to have a relationship that you don't destroy.

Sure - he did wrong with those pics. I do not know what happened and why that woman sent the pictures. Some women like pushing boundaries and tease.
Your mind, of course, created the worst possible scenario - where he wants to be with that person. Where the truth is much simpler. He hasn't tried to sneak around; there were no chats; no plans for anything to happen.

He didn't delete those pictures fact enough - sure. He didn't tell you - but on that - given your extreme and irrational suspiciousness, I don't blame him. I wouldn't tell you either - to not unleash more of the crazy self-doubt.

I don't know what any of this means for your future. You have 4 kids and only work for 2 hours/day - can you support yourself and your kids without him?

If you do stay together - you really need to take responsibility for the impact your MH has on the relationship. He has owned up to his mistakes. But so should you - as any relationship is about two people.

I get what you are saying. The only reason i take him to work is because he doesnt drive. He took the job when we moved down here and asked me to take him and pick him up. Ive offered to be the person working full time to give him a break.
We chat on his breaks cos he wants to. Sometimes he will say he wants to go shut his eyes after 5-10 minutes which is never an issue. And if i didnt message him when i got home from taking him he would message me to make sure im home safe, he asked me to do that and if i didnt or forgot he would message me in worry x
He had the photos in a secure folder recycle bin so they had been deleted but like they were kept extra hidden.
I accept that i have issues, i really do. I havent liked myself for a long time, maybe even forever.
I was bullied at school, my ex husband was verbally and emotionally abusive.
But i appreciate you being upfront and frank with me. Its actually eye opening to hear it from a different persepctive. I dont know what the future holds but either way i will reach out to someone for help or go to my gp and see what help there is through them.
Thank you for your honest reply

@Sashya with the photos he said that he put his phone number on the work board for when he was off on his holidays incase anyone had questions about deliveries as he is the delivery manager. We didnt go into detail of if she just sent a photo first or messsges about something but i asked him if he asked her to send photos and he said "No, Not at all" but he said he didnt discourage them when he should of and he holds his hands up to that and said that he should of said no.
He also said he doesnt want to be with her and nothing has happened with her.
The first reply he said when i confronted him via text was something like " i havent fallen out of love with you, youve just been so unhappy and i dont know where that all went wrong" so i said " so that gives you a reason to cheat on me, im heartbroken"
His reply to that was " i havent cheated on you, i know the photos are bad and i am so wrong for that and i should of discouraged it and i hold my hands up to that, nothing has happened with her and if you dont believe me then i dont blame you, its on me"

I agree with @Sashya

What he has done is wrong. But I think your biggest problem is how you view yourself. From what you have said, it’s clear you love each other but your co-dependency is not helping.

I think if you take time to work on yourself it will be the best thing you can do for not only yourself but also your relationship. It will give you confidence that you are together because you want to be, not because you need each other to function.

That doesn’t take away from the trust he has broken but any work you do on your relationship will be of little help if you don’t work on loving yourself.

Would it be that he's just 'imagining' himself with this woman? Has he just got photos off the Internet? As you say he doesn't go anywhere that you know of to be with someone else?

It sounds like you have your own house? Can you afford it on your own? Jesus, get shot of this cunt. Surely if he treats you this badly he won't want to stay. I've been there love, it's not nice, but you have your children. Having a bloke isn't all that great.

@Cottesloe no they are photos of a colleague that she has sent. He admitted it, held his hands up that he should of said no and discouraged it right at the beginning but he didnt and he was wrong. He also said he never ever wanted to hurt me and he is so sorry he has.
He says nothing has happened between them. When i asked why he said i have been so unhappy and its been so hard to be around me, nothing he does seems to make me happy. So i said does that give you reason cheat on me. He said he has never cheated on me, the photos are bad and he should of discouraged it from the start and thats all on him. I asked him if he asked for the naked photos and he said not at all and he doesnt want to be with her.
Just all a big fat mess. They were in his secret folder recycle bin on samsung phone

Why do you think he is staying with you. Come on, honestly? Is it to have somewhere to live? If he's cheating, he doesn't love you. You and only you, hold all the cards. You can get more UC if he's not there. If he left suddenly, and he could, what would you do then?

None of you seem happy in this relationship.
I think you need to work on yourself and your self esteem. I am definitely not blaming you for this mess, but from experience, it is very hard being in a relationship with someone who has no confidence and constantly needing reassurance, it's exhausting.
Communicate with each other, be honest and make a decision to either split up or work together on your issues.
Good luck

Sorry, but your poor kids living this nightmare. You are showing them what it's like to have a relationship. They will have this as a basis for their relationships which is not right.

@Diarygirlqueen thank you for your honesty. So you have been the person who has experienced being the one who has to deal with the partner who has no confidence?

@OchreRaven i know. He works so hard. I dont think he has done thing right, i havent done things right either.
He has told me that the photos will stop but he doesnt think i will stop. That i will trust him, which he says he doesnt blame me but he never once wanted her or persued anything else.
I did be truthful and say that i couldnt just switch it off and not think about it and worry. He just kept saying he never wanted to hurt me and he is truly sorry

I was in a relationship with an amazing man—kind, thoughtful, intelligent, extremely funny, generous, and gorgeous (and solvent!). But he really struggled with low self-esteem and self-worth. He’d had a pretty dysfunctional childhood, bullying at school and then at work, been cheated on in past relationships and his confidence and trust were on the floor.

He constantly questioned whether I truly loved him and why, never believed he was worthy of being loved. He put himself down, avoided honest communication to keep from upsetting me, and did things like buying extravagant gifts but lying about the cost because he was afraid I’d judge him for spending too much while also wanting to impress me. His insecurities made him a bit controlling, he was worried I’d find someone better and leave him etc.

Over time, this dynamic exhausted me. I started questioning his actions—was his generosity genuine, or was he trying to “buy” my love? Was he telling me his real thoughts, or just what he thought I wanted to hear so I wouldn’t dislike him? He took any perceived criticism to heart, further knocking his confidence. He even once lied about a medical diagnosis out of fear I’d think less of him!

Ultimately, this pushed me away. The lack of honesty, trust, and open communication made it impossible to build a healthy relationship. He needed me to love him in order to feel good about himself, and when I didn’t do that in the way he wanted, he’d blame me for feeling bad about himself.

I realised we had no future when I considered having children with him—his deep insecurities would make it hard to raise emotionally secure kids. I loved him so much but he never did the internal work or self reflection to grow. Since then he’s had several more failed relationships. It’s heartbreaking because he’s such a lovely person.

The saying “you need to love yourself first to accept love” is so true.

If your partner read your diary and saw your deepest insecurities (which, to be fair, is a serious breach of trust), I can understand why he might feel overwhelmed. It’s clear he loves you, but if he’s already been feeling like he’s failing to make you happy, seeing those private thoughts may have made him feel even more distant—like no matter what he does, he’s losing you. He may not know how to love you in the way you need right now, and now you’ve seen those pictures it’s knocked your confidence and trust in him even further.

You seem very fixated on the photos—and if they’re a dealbreaker for you, that’s completely valid. But it also sounds like both of you are stuck in a cycle where your self-esteem has spiralled, and he feels increasingly helpless to bridge the gap between you. I wonder how much his autism plays into this? Is he able to read people? (And did he misread this girls - very obvious- intentions?).

It’s really hard to have a fulfilling partnership when one partner is having to ‘prop up’ the other one. For this relationship—or any future one—to be fulfilling, working on your self-worth is key. If therapy isn’t an option, there are great free resources out there, including podcasts and books, I like:
• On Purpose – Jay Shetty
• The Self Love Club
• Oprah’s Super Soul

You deserve to feel good about yourself, to love yourself and to feel secure in the knowledge that you are enough. Just you.⭐️

@GiantSaucepan thank you so much for your honesty.
I dont think he misread them. He accepts fully that he was wrong and he shouldnt of let it continue. He is saying that nothing else has happened, nothing at all and he doesnt want her as i said if they have something and feelings havw developed then i wont stop him from being happy. He said twice in the texts that he doesnt want anything like that with her and that they only talk at work. Which honestly makes my stomach turn, that they interact after he has seen her like that. Some of the photos werent sexual, some were jusy selfies. There was one that had been made up by a photo collage app, a photo of him, a photo of her side by side, just face selfies. I asked him why did he make that photo up and he said that it wasnt him that did it. So she has a photo of him, just his face but i dont know if he sent any risky photos back but he said twice that he hates his body and im the only person he is comfortable showing.
He also said that he has told me the truth and i keep going over it which is hard cos he has told me everything but there are so many unanswered questions like what did he reply to her, why was that side by side made, has he blocked her or actually asked her to stop. When i asked how will i know if they have stopped cos you havent actually said anything about them stopping or wanting them to stop.
His reply was "They will stop, but you wont stop cos you wont trust me"

The last few posters have advised you to work on yourself, but your replies have all been on your partners actions.

Please take note of their replies, some good advice.

Totally agree with @Diarygirlqueen

Step off the 'photo' train and see that both of you need to check in with the behaviour that's gone on previously and how it needs to change to move forward.

It's ridiculous that he's claiming you are unreasonable not to trust him when he's shown you more than once that he's not trustworthy.

Claiming he was sent naked photos that he 'didn't want' is nonsense. He's a cheater, as you suspect.

His sulking about you discovering the photos is just a way of trying to train you into accepting he can cheat as much as he wants and you are to say nothing or get the silent treatment.

Just dump this loser.

The threads on MN where a man has just been accepting photos and does nothing else are rare. In fact, I have never seen one.
When the wife/partner has gone digging there is always more. Always.
The photos at this stage are just an end game. You can stick your head in the sand - we have all done it - and the next time it will be even worse.
It takes guts to walk away. I feel so sad reading threads on here - women with such low self esteem they hang on.
I don’t think it’s feasible that Dave the loading supervisor has put his number on a notice board and suddenly Janice has decided to engage him in sexting.

This gets worse with each if your updates.

Am I right in thinking that you’ve been together six years? And in that time there’s been one incident with a woman, now there’s another one and your self esteem is through the floor as a result?

You need to leave. He will never be faithful. You will always be second guessing him as your self worth drops further and further….

It can’t just be photos, there would have to have been lots of flirting and sexy talk before hand, women does just out of the blue send nudes to people they see and are with every single day unless they know they will be well received. Id take the photos & pin them on the work notice board beside his phone number he left out & let all work colleagues see her for who she really is too. Is she married ? My advice kick him out asap & send the nudes to his employer

I agree with @Freeme31 and @PeggyMitchellsCameo. They were already engaging in a flirtation. OW didn’t suddenly decide out of nowhere to copy his number from a board and then display herself to him for a year with no feedback. You would be extremely foolish to believe that malarkey, @Hopeless1686.

This is the guy who was exchanging ‘I miss you’s’ with another female colleague in 2023, which is evidence that he does express feelings when he wants to.

He has become inappropriately close to two women at his workplace. His definition of infidelity is incompatible with yours.