Thought things were getting better

[Hopeless1686]

I posted a a year or 2 ago about my worries with my partner and a female collegue. She moved branches and as far as i know they havent seen eachother anymore.
Things were better with us....probably shows i was dumb to stay as shes gone and we got better 🙄 well our sex life took a dive. 9 months without anything. He had pain/medical issues so i just left it. We had sex for the first time last weekend. Something just niggled me at the sudden change. I done the bad thing and checked his phone again this morning. Saw he had looked at his secure folder on recent apps. I opened the recycling bin on it and there is i would say over 20-25 photos of a woman- NOT the collegue i was worried about. A couple of naked photos. Loads of her fully clothed- selfie. One photo is a photo of him and a seperate photo of her made into a side by side. I dont know if she made it or him but got a feeling its him.
I cant say anything to him as he got annoyed i looked through his phone years ago when he was adament nothing went on with him and this collegue. I dont know who this woman is. Im sick to my stomach. He goes to work, comes home and we are always together- he doesnt like going out on nights out. Doesnt have many friends. I saw photos of this woman about a year ago in his deleted photos on gallery but to me they looked like photos of a random woman that was on insta so i stupidly brushed it off. He told me a few weeks ago when i said i felt ugly and he could do better that i need to stop saying that as if he wanted anything different he wouldnt be here. Jokes on me obviously

He is 40 years old but definitly doesnt look it at all. He is very stylish and good looking. Not just saying this cos im with him

@Hopeless1686, please stop trashing your looks and comparing yourself to other women. We all know of stunningly beautiful women who have been cheated on repeatedly by entitled men who are after extra feel-goods.

This betrayal is not about your looks. It is about this faithless man’s lack of integrity and fidelity. He was previously in a romantic bubble with a woman his own daughter’s age, and when you rumbled him he gaslit and punished you. Now he is at it again.

You noticed gallery photos of this OW a year ago, and since then he has secured explicit ones plus more that she has sent him. (The photoshopped picture is appalling.) This is sexual and emotional infidelity, even if they have not had physical sex. After a year, though, I would assume there has been physical involvement or video sex, especially since he has withdrawn affection from you.

Can you investigate the colleague’s SM to determine if she is indeed the OW in the pictures? It sounds like he was secretly chatting with her (or another OW) after the Christmas party, having likely seen her there. His fumbling with his phone and lashing out when you innocently approached was very telling.

He has massively betrayed you by using you and the children as a comfort zone while collecting women to provide ego boosts and sexual gratification. I wouldn’t expose my children to a man like this and you shouldn’t either.

A long discussion is not necessary, @Hopeless1686. Make it short and sharp. Tell the sneaky cheat that the relationship is no longer working and bin him. If you plead “Why”, you’ll just get more gaslighting and abuse. He will spin it and claim victimhood while attempting to make you feel responsible. That tactic is straight out of the Script, so don’t entertain that or any others (depressed, in a rut, etc.) for even a second. He saw an opportunity and went for it, just like before.

He sounds like an utter creep. I know you don't feel as if you're strong enough to confront him just yet but if you don't, this will just drag you further and further down . So sorry

As this isn't the first time, unless you look forward to this repeating again and again in future years, I think splitting up is the only answer.

I think maybe your prior abusive relationship has made you hang onto this one more, when it's still not right and not good for you. You deserve better than this.

You're not yet 40, and still have so much of your life ahead of you, don't spend the second half wasting it on men who hurt and manipulate you.

Hollywood beauties are cheated on, it's nothing to do with your looks and everything to do with entitlement and duplicitous thrills. You seem worried about his reaction to you checking his phone, maybe if he wasn't sneaking around being shady he'd have a point, but he was. How else were you supposed to find out you were being lied to. If you don't end it, you'll waste the best years of your life with someone that brings you low rather than raises you up.

Thank you everyone. This weekend ive just been floating around. Like im looking at myself from the outside.
Everytime he asks "whats wrong" i just say nothing. Screaming from inside my head.

I feel like going back on his phone and deleting them all from his recyling bin- take photos on my phone before i do so i still got the evidence. And see if he goes back to look and sees they aint there. He will know ive seen them and that im hurt. He wont mention anything. I did the same with the ones he had of her last year as they were in the recycle bin. When i looked on his phone again 2 days later he had wrote a messsge on his notes app saying "if you dont trust me we dont have a relationship worth fighting for" took a screen shot of it and put it in the recycle bin where i would see it. So he obviously went searching for the photos and found them gone and left me that little note. Why put photos in recycle bin and not fully delete them. If she is sending these photos and he doesnt want them, why not block her. 😡😡

You are going to make yourself really poorly doing that. Waiting for a reaction.
The images are there because he wants them there.
Sorry to be blunt but do anything at all to get yourself out of this headspace.

I know 😪😪 i am just so hurt. He knew everything i went through. Was heartbroken when my ex husband cheated and abused. I was there for him when he found out the child he thought was his was found out not to be. I comfort him when hes had a bad day at work, i supported him with his pain and medical issues hes been having, drive him to his appointments. We used to have such a great relationship. Now its just like best friends. He keeps telling me if i continue wishing i looked like someone else i will waste my time when i could be happy snd enjoy what we have. Even said it the day i found the photos. You are all right, im hoping for something that will never be

Wow, he really did a DARVO on you there. He's the one actually doing the wrong thing by cheating on you and breaking your trust, and he turned it into you being at fault.

Gaslighting bastard.

Only a fool would blindly trust someone who had broken their trust repeatedly. He ought to be going all out to win your trust back. It's quite common in fact to agree to have open phones etc so the injured party can look if they feel the need, in the aftermath of infidelity.

What has he actually ever done to make you feel more secure after the first time?

I don’t understand. Are these pictures from her instagram or Facebook that he is saving in a secret folder or is she sending him these photos? You said there was a naked photo so this one must have been sent to him. That alone shows he is cheating. Especially as he kept the photo.

What did he say when you found the photos last time? How did he deny it was cheating? Telling you you need to trust him via a note on his phone when he knows you saw evidence of his cheating is outrageous!

You can’t go on like this. You know he isn’t treating you with respect and is gaslighting you. You are scared to bring it up because you know he won’t take responsibility for it. You can look for more evidence if you need it, but what you have is enough, especially with a previous history. I would leave.

He didnt say anything when i found her photos last time. He just put that note and carried on as normal.
I dont know where they are from. They arent a screen shot as there isnt any surrounding boarder of his phone screen that comes up on a screen shot like his phone battery/clock etc. There is a couple of naked ones. Alot of selfies/just her face. To be honest shes not the type i thought he would have on his phone, i know most men look at certain things to have their "own time" to and i know his is women with bigger chest etc. I dont know of anything has gone beyond photos as he just goes to work, comes home and we always spend evenings and weekends together. He went out for his work xmas party in dec but thats it really. And he is looking at other jobs as he wants to find something else.

He never really did anything the other times. With the younger collegue he just shut down and stuck to the "shes a friend, ive never looked at her in that way" etc. She left their work and he hasnt seen her since as far as i know. She had a long term boyfriend she lived with.
He says that he just wants the old me back who he met, that i not ugly and he wouldnt be with me if he didnt love me and want me.
We had sex for the first time in 9 months last sunday, he looked and me the whole time, touched me where i feel least confident about- my chest area as im quite small. Eye contact during. Then the friday just gone is when i found the photos on his phone. He has 2 days off work earlier this week and he didnt go out anywhere other to get his haircut so he didnt go to meet anyone

I would try and find her SM but i just cant remember her name. I only saw her a few times and never really spoke about her as i was so concentrated on the other younger collegue i didnt even worry about that one as she just didnt seem like a threat- not in a horrible way to her, she was quite hippyish and quirky and not really what i thought he would like

@Hopeless1686

Seriously - why are you so obsessed with your sub-standard looks and chest???
He is right - if you compare yourself to others - you will always be unhappy.
Why is your self worth based on and limited to your H looking or not looking at other women????

He clearly is not sneaking around. He is NOT with anybody else. Looks at your ‘small chest’ and looks at you when you have sex.

Its really draining to be with someone who puts themselves down and relies on you to keep propping up their self esteem.
You having been cheated on by a previous partner - does not put responsibility for it on your current partner.

Have you had any counselling?

So he isnt sneaking around but another member said this OW is obviously someone he is talking to.
I am just confused and dont know what to do. Ive had counselling before but i wouldnt feel this way if he with held sex for 9 months and had all these photos of her

I think it’s unfair to say he’s not cheating. Having naked photos of a colleague on your phone is cheating in my book. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t see it as a betrayal. But what you need to do is talk to him. Ask him why he has them on his phone.

The selfies he could get away with but the naked photos!! No way. I can’t imagine an explanation that I would be ok with. Can you?

But you not wanting to bring this up is the worrying thing. You don’t need to accuse him but you do need an explanation or it will drive you crazy.

And you also have to consider what you will do if it is cheating. Will you leave or will you stay and repeat the cycle?

No i wouldnt stay. But i dont think he would ever admit cheating. If i brought it up he would walk off to another room, go quiet, and when i ask him whats going on he would just say " you wouldnt believe me anyway as you dont trust me" exactly what he said when i questioned him when i found the texts from that younger collegue 2 years ago in my previous post. This time its a bit more serious i believe. The photos- including the photo shopped one which surprisingly upsets me the most out of them all as it seems one of them is imagining them 2 together.
He is currently questioning why im so quiet/ looking miserable. But i dont want to confront it when my children are in the house

You stayed and let him away with it before so of course he will do it again.

I just read your previous post. I do think the messages then could have been platonic without further evidence to the contrary. Although I totally understand why it upset you at the time and to me that would be crossing a boundary, even if it was unintentional.

In this case there is no platonic reason to send a naked picture. It could be that she sent it unsolicited but he should have told you and deleted it not moved it to a folder.

The problem is you have said that you have accused him of cheating many times, none of which seem to have concrete evidence. He’s already told you he sees checking his phone as a breach of trust and you know he will use this.

I would perhaps write down how you are feeling and what you need answers to. Usually i wouldn’t suggest giving someone you suspect of cheating time to come up with a plausible story however because of your history it might be the best way to get your thoughts out how you want them to be received.

I would own up to your insecurities leading you to unfairly accuse him of cheating in the past and acknowledge that the need to check up on him isn’t healthy but ask him for empathy on this because he knows your history with cheating and how it has impacted you. Tell him a gut instinct caused you to check his phone and you found naked pictures of his colleague. You don’t have any context to these so you would like an explanation so that you don’t assume the worst. If he is not willing to give you one, then that is your answer.

Thank you for you advice. To be honest, the person i know him to be, me asking for empathy about my past wouldnt work as he always says im not the only one who has been hurt in the past, he has too, deeply. Im not sure what to do anymore. These photos have to be either from someone send them straight to him or from online dating site connection.
Because they are a mix of face selfies, a couple of nudes, some sexy underwear and also a photo of him and one of her side by side so he has either sent a photo to her or shes used one he has used on a dating site. Sounds stupid but i wouldnt be as bothered if it was different women for his pleasure on his own but the fact its just one woman and the type of photos just upset me more. They were in the recycle bin of his secure folder and some of them were only deleted on the evening before i found them, some deleted 5-6 days before

@Hopeless1686

You seem to be stuck in your obsessive state - that serves only one self destructive purpose. To prove to yourself, yet again - that he is not interested in you. That you are fundamentally not attractive enough, not enough on all levels - and that was why your Ex cheated. And current H is just the same.

He can not win it. You suspect him regardless of proof. It is clearly a recurring theme over the years.
Maybe these pics are something, maybe nothing. Who knows. But you aren’t going to believe anything he says anyway.
And - i think; given your regular accusations - he is too tired to even try to defend himself.

If you were rational - I’d tell you to stop destroying what’s left of your marriage. Your H had a medical issue - as you said. You just started having sex again. You as
a couple can now re-connect and try to have fun together.

Forget the pictures for now and see how re-started sex life goes. If you must - snoop again in a few months.
Be pragmatic.

But I have a feeling you’ll continue going down the self-destruction path. Making yourself and H more miserable, until the marriage breaks up. It sounds you never dealt with your past and it is preventing you from having a present.

I looked again just now. It is a work collegue

In one of the photos she has nothing but a hi vis vest on with their logo on it. There was a 6 second video of her in her car saying something to the camera but i didnt listen to it as i was shaking and he was in the bathroom for a certain amount of time. Im broken. Absolutley broken. Hes off to work now and all i can think about is him and her. He caught two of his work collegues kissing 2 years ago, one of them is married with kids and he text me straight away telling me what he saw and how angry he is, how bad he feels for his poor wife as she has come in the shop a few times and he feels uncredibly uncomfortable. Im so done. So now all im going to do all day is just think of them two there together

Sorry OP.