Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Really lovely man, but the sex is dreadful

309 replies

Flowerylight · 19/03/2025 10:51

So, I'm early 50s, happily single a long time and tbh expected to stay that way. Then a new friendship blossomed into something else.

In many ways I can't believe my luck, he's kind, reliable, funny, intelligent, respectful, interesting, solvent and we share many interests at the same time as enjoying things seperately. He's 5 years younger.

He's very affectionate and really loves a cuddle, but he's not bothered about sex or kissing. I don't think I'm sex obsessed I'm certainly not up for anything exotic, but I do enjoy being intimate and was hoping for good sex a couple of times a week.

Initially even the kissing was disappointing, but I've "coached" him and that's much better now.

With sex, he's clearly inexperienced and nervous and initially had trouble maintaining an errection. Once this became apparent he got himself tablets quickly and they've made a big difference, but it's still really inadequate. He doesn't want to touch me intimately and takes ages to orgasm himself, often not at all.

I've tried to gently coach him and I can't get to the bottom of his reluctance at all. In every other aspect of life he wants to make me happy, but this seems really difficult for him. When I tell him it's a problem for me, he says he understands, he's trying and it is improving, which it is, but is it ever likely to improve "enough"?

I've tried asking what he likes and what I can do to help, but the only things he comes up with are variations on a cuddle.

Does it just need patience and practice or is it never likely to get good?

He says his last relationship was 6 years ago and these things were never an issue then, which he doesn't mean to be an insult to me, but feels like one!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/03/2025 10:54

Life is too short for crap sex.

mrandmrsrobinson · 19/03/2025 10:54

You're friend zoned. He doesn't see you as a lover.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2025 10:55

Would not settle for this. It appears he has real problems with intimacy. I would be wondering if porn is responsible. These types of situations often do not improve at all.

Flowerylight · 19/03/2025 10:56

mrandmrsrobinson · 19/03/2025 10:54

You're friend zoned. He doesn't see you as a lover.

I don't think that's true. He's keen to arrange a weekend away and find "opportunity", it's just all a bit rubbish once there.

OP posts:
Flowerylight · 19/03/2025 10:57

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2025 10:55

Would not settle for this. It appears he has real problems with intimacy. I would be wondering if porn is responsible. These types of situations often do not improve at all.

I don't think it's porn. There could be some hang ups, he's from a religious background.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 19/03/2025 10:57

Im in my 50’s and I’d rather have no sex than crap sex tbh

And the ‘wasn’t a problem previously’ comes across as a veiled attempt to blame you for his inadequacies.

JoyousEagle · 19/03/2025 10:58

When he says these things weren’t an issue in his previous relationship, does he mean it wasn’t an issue because she didn’t mind not being touched, or it wasn’t an issue because he was happy to touch her

VintageFollie · 19/03/2025 10:58

What's his accommodation situation, and was his last relationship with a woman? You say he's clearly inexperienced yet he says he was in a relationship and had no problems sexually - both can't be true.

Being horribly cynical, sounds like he needs you rather than wants you.

Fastingandhungry · 19/03/2025 10:58

It does sound like he might be looking more for companionship possibly?

Flowerylight · 19/03/2025 11:00

JoyousEagle · 19/03/2025 10:58

When he says these things weren’t an issue in his previous relationship, does he mean it wasn’t an issue because she didn’t mind not being touched, or it wasn’t an issue because he was happy to touch her

He didn't have problems with erections and orgasms. I haven't managed to get him to talk about whether he touched her.

TBH the sex with DH was a bit rubbish when we were young and inexperienced, but we were keen and learned together. I was hoping this might happen.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 19/03/2025 11:00

Oh dear, this doesn’t sound good. I think you might be wasting your time with this one. I’d be curious to hear what his ex said about their sex life (or most likely, lack of).

StrawberryDream24 · 19/03/2025 11:00

And the ‘wasn’t a problem previously’ comes across as a veiled attempt to blame you for his inadequacies.

Yeah.

mrandmrsrobinson · 19/03/2025 11:00

Flowerylight · 19/03/2025 10:56

I don't think that's true. He's keen to arrange a weekend away and find "opportunity", it's just all a bit rubbish once there.

He's pacifying you.

If he gets to the weekend, ties you to the bed and gives you a good seeing too then I'll stand corrected.

Flowerylight · 19/03/2025 11:01

VintageFollie · 19/03/2025 10:58

What's his accommodation situation, and was his last relationship with a woman? You say he's clearly inexperienced yet he says he was in a relationship and had no problems sexually - both can't be true.

Being horribly cynical, sounds like he needs you rather than wants you.

He's had 3 relationships in his 45 years. Amounting to a handful of years between them, but yes he must have had some sex!

OP posts:
SuspiciousChipmunk · 19/03/2025 11:02

life is too short to ditch a good man over bad sex.

Flowerylight · 19/03/2025 11:02

StrawberryDream24 · 19/03/2025 11:00

And the ‘wasn’t a problem previously’ comes across as a veiled attempt to blame you for his inadequacies.

Yeah.

Nonits not like that. He's only said that because I asked. He's actually very good at taking responsibility.

OP posts:
Flowerylight · 19/03/2025 11:03

SuspiciousChipmunk · 19/03/2025 11:02

life is too short to ditch a good man over bad sex.

Yes, I agree with both POVs here.

OP posts:
ConstantIllness · 19/03/2025 11:03

There's a whole world of difference between bad sex when "young and inexperienced" and a grown man in his late 40s. He's much less likely to being opened to being coached, especially if he's saying it wasn't a "problem" in his last relationship.

Sulu17 · 19/03/2025 11:03

VintageFollie · 19/03/2025 10:58

What's his accommodation situation, and was his last relationship with a woman? You say he's clearly inexperienced yet he says he was in a relationship and had no problems sexually - both can't be true.

Being horribly cynical, sounds like he needs you rather than wants you.

I was wondering the same thing, is he gay?

dairydebris · 19/03/2025 11:04

Sounds like he might be gay and in the closet due to religious upbringing.

Not being keen to touch you is the red flag.

Touching you all wrong is fixable.

dairydebris · 19/03/2025 11:05

Sulu17 · 19/03/2025 11:03

I was wondering the same thing, is he gay?

Cross post with you here ☺️

Flowerylight · 19/03/2025 11:05

VintageFollie · 19/03/2025 10:58

What's his accommodation situation, and was his last relationship with a woman? You say he's clearly inexperienced yet he says he was in a relationship and had no problems sexually - both can't be true.

Being horribly cynical, sounds like he needs you rather than wants you.

Why does he need me? He's the most independent person I've ever met. He hasn't had relationships because he doesn't "need" them, has travelled all over the world alone and now he's changing things to spend lots of time with me.

Inagree he doesn't appear to want me that much physically, but he does want to be with me.

OP posts:
Flowerylight · 19/03/2025 11:05

Sulu17 · 19/03/2025 11:03

I was wondering the same thing, is he gay?

Yes, I've questioned that too.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 19/03/2025 11:07

I don’t think I could be bothered with this. If he was a bit rubbish but genuinely wanted things to improve, was making a real effort and actively wanted to work at it then that’s one thing, but he doesn’t even want to touch you.

Do you do other things? A good sex life doesn’t just mean PIV sex, what about oral? Erection issues have no input there, or hands? If he’s not prepared to do anything then I think I’d rather be done, I have enough friends

UneasyMe · 19/03/2025 11:08

He might be really lovely, but he’s not the man for you if you’re not sexually compatible. Sorry OP, it’s disappointing I’m sure.