Really lovely man, but the sex is dreadful

[Flowerylight]

So, I'm early 50s, happily single a long time and tbh expected to stay that way. Then a new friendship blossomed into something else.

In many ways I can't believe my luck, he's kind, reliable, funny, intelligent, respectful, interesting, solvent and we share many interests at the same time as enjoying things seperately. He's 5 years younger.

He's very affectionate and really loves a cuddle, but he's not bothered about sex or kissing. I don't think I'm sex obsessed I'm certainly not up for anything exotic, but I do enjoy being intimate and was hoping for good sex a couple of times a week.

Initially even the kissing was disappointing, but I've "coached" him and that's much better now.

With sex, he's clearly inexperienced and nervous and initially had trouble maintaining an errection. Once this became apparent he got himself tablets quickly and they've made a big difference, but it's still really inadequate. He doesn't want to touch me intimately and takes ages to orgasm himself, often not at all.

I've tried to gently coach him and I can't get to the bottom of his reluctance at all. In every other aspect of life he wants to make me happy, but this seems really difficult for him. When I tell him it's a problem for me, he says he understands, he's trying and it is improving, which it is, but is it ever likely to improve "enough"?

I've tried asking what he likes and what I can do to help, but the only things he comes up with are variations on a cuddle.

Does it just need patience and practice or is it never likely to get good?

He says his last relationship was 6 years ago and these things were never an issue then, which he doesn't mean to be an insult to me, but feels like one!

Exactly this. They can't handle the combination of physical and emotional intimacy. Can have sex when there are no emotions, ED when there are.

Personally, I wouldn't touch this kind of man with a bargepole unless I was asexual. This is a serious psychological issue.

Also says alot that he isn't comfortable being shown! A man truly interested in your pleasure would take his ego out of the equation.

Not sure I would believe the ex sob story or that he satisfied her sexuslly since it doesnt sound like be even knows the basics and ignore the crazy misogynist saying it is to do with your age or the people saying he just isn't in to you. This is a him problem not a you problem.

Don't compare him to you with your ex DH when you started out- this man is almost 50, not a young man.

Ha ha! What? My last DP was 5 years younger than me in our late 30s/early 40s and we had amazing sex several times a day.

Current DP is the same age and although he maintains that he has a low libido we still do it twice a week and he definitely enjoys himself - despite me being an overweight haggard old hag of 51!

And despite my advancing years I look younger than both of them! Never seen such utter tosh.

Honestly, OP, I'd end this pronto.

I'm all for making an effort and trying to make things work but usually not within a few weeks (12) of seeing a man.

It's giving you far too much angst.

The way you've described him- his 'hang ups' over being seen naked, not wanting to be overheard having a wee (etc) surely show a man with issues way beyond what you can sort out.

If you just want to date, why on earth are you wasting time trying to coach a man into being a good lover?

You want someone who tears your clothes off, tears his off and does all sorts of 'terrible things' that you want doing.

Let him go.

Then a new friendship blossomed into something else.

I think you've misidentified and miscategorised the 'something else'.

It sounds like a new casual acquaintance is deepening into a genuine friendship.

You've experimented with something more, but it just doesn't work.

So stop trying to force a shape that doesn't fit, backtrack, and appreciate what is there naturally — a great friendship.

This is really sad. I can’t imagine anything worse than being with someone who didn’t seem to enjoy touching my body.

In fact on the very rare occasion i got so much as a whiff that XDP wasn’t feeling it, if he was a bit lacking in energy etc and didn’t seem like his usual horny self, I’d put a stop to it and say “this isn’t working for me tonight, lets leave it until you’re a bit more enthusiastic” and then he’d deny it and immediately ramp it up! You have to feel desired to be able to get fully into it.

Don't compare him to you with your ex DH when you started out- this man is almost 50, not a young man.

50 is not old for a man who is fit and in shape.

The issue is not his age.

I'm not sure that's necessarily true. Likes/dislikes and sexual chemistry are wildly different between different couples. Whatever they were doing in his old relationship may well have worked for them, it's not helpful to speculate that he has been serially dreadful in bed.

If I were you, OP, I'd tell him we went too fast too soon and let's dial it back to not having a physical relationship for now. The pressure is off both of you then. If you value his other qualities, see what transpires.

You've entirely missed the point which is to do with teaching someone how to kiss and pleasure a woman.

A typical 50 year old would surely not need that, having decades of experience on the OP and her ex when they first got together. It's not a comparable situation that is the point.

It's highly unusual for a almost 50 year old to have to be taught how to kiss.

Indeed so. But there is compromise to be had - and sometimes this is the best that can be.

I had this with my XH. Tried hard to 'coach' him, but eventually gave up & accepted a sexless marriage for several years. I finally realised that he didn't want a wife - he wanted a housekeeper/counsellor & carer lined up for when he became older so I left.

Been with my for DH for 8 years married for nearly 5. I'm 62, he's 71 he's retired & I still work 25 hours per week. Sex is the best I've had. He loves me & tells me so several times a day, encourages me to meet up with my friends, does sweet things like bringing me a cup of tea in bed every morning, regularly sends me flowers, does the bulk of the house-work, laundry, ironing, cooking etc.

No, he's not perfect - but who is? I'm not so sure I'd want the perfect man anyway as I'm far from perfect. 😉

I don't think your age is a problem.
I'm 12 years older than my partner and we can't get enough of each other physically.

I think perhaps he is anxious and thinks he can't please you now. Go back to just kissing and cuddling for a while?

God, I wouldn't want to be touched intimately by someone who isn't enjoying it. Eugh.

Can he see that him not enjoying it is a turn off for you?

Does he initiate sex? How?

What would sex be like if you had no input and let him do what he thinks sex looks like? So does he want to just have piv no foreplay?

You must be so confused!

I disagree. Maybe what he was doing before worked for his previous relationships. It is quite possible that his last partner was happy (or not fussed at least!). Everyone likes different things, so if it worked for them, why would he have ever needed to learn to do something differently?

Oh god, it's them again

Either always takes the contrary position or reads one post and misses the rest

Please don't let them upset you

We all want different things but as a 50 + year old lady I would place more importance on being in a loving and kind relationship even though the physical side of things weren’t great - in your 20’s/30’s probably more important - finding a good kind man at our age is really difficult!

He sounds like a fumbling teenager and possibly asexual. I don't believe that he was a stallion in his last relationship; he's blaming you and that's unforgivable.

You need to knock this on the head.

I agree that he sounds anxious and understandably has some performance anxiety if he knows the sex is an issue for you.

It's a really tricky one and something you may have to decide for yourself as to whether it's a deal-breaker. My DH was a virgin when we met so zero experience and the sex was awful to start with. He was very nervous and I didn't particularly find it a turn on to be in the role of coach/mentor. However, the crucial thing is that he was willing to try and to improve and although I'm sure it was embarrassing for him, he was willing to communicate about it. That was the important thing for me, that we could discuss it and it was something we could work on improving together. Sex is now great and we've been happily married for years. He's fantastic.

Sex isn't everything. But if it is important to you then it needs to be something he is willing to discuss and improve. Not wanting to touch you is a red flag and although it could be explained by nerves, if he's not willing to discuss it then that doesn't bode well.

Perhaps go back to cuddling and kissing for a while and tell him that you want to enjoy some intimate time together with no pressure about having sex. Massage, get some sex toys, a long snogging session.... whatever. If he is a great guy then I think it's worth working on but with the caveat that he also has to meet you half way and be willing to try to improve things.

Some people have low to no sex drive. It could be medical, like hormones, or he can be asexual too. I could be fine without sex.

He doesn’t seem to enjoy pleasing you? That is a big red flag because a good partner should enjoy pleasing their partner, and it would be obvious… A lover who does not seem to enjoy pleasing their partner sounds kind of selfish, or bored?

I've been with someone like this OP. It's ok to talk about sex together, it's ok to chill out about it too. It's also ok for him to not orgasm every time you have sex.

I think as it's all so new and different, it's put a lot of pressure on him to 'perform' and whatever you two do together, shouldn't be compared to what you've had with others or what you think the 'norm' should be.

Instead, just focusing on what feels good - building up the touches, the kisses, the exploration. Just enjoy each other. Almost like what we did as teenagers - we didn't have to have sex, a good snog was amazing etc etc. I believe the term now could be demi sexual. See if it rings true with him?

If sex doesn't happen every time, so what. When he relaxes and realises that you're enjoying what you've done, it will grow naturally.

He does want to please me, he just doesn't seem to enjoy doing it.

He doesn't want to touch me intimately.

Sounds like he wants you to be pleased, which isn't the same as wanting to please you. It's like all those men people who protest "I just want you to be happy!" On further examination, it turns out they want a happy partner without having to make any effort.

Someone who doesn't want to touch your bits is repulsed by them - and you're never going to get good foreplay with somebody like that! It's not massively unusual for people of either sex to find genitals revolting (all genitals or only the opposite sex's) and you may be sure they aren't enthusiastically considerate lovers.

I've read all your posts and understand that you like everything about this relationship except the sex. You say you could do without a sex life. If you're being honest there, I agree it's wisest to roll this back to a friendship. Whatever's going on in his pants, it's his issue. Making it yours will frustrate you and leave you miserable.

Catholic?

He doesn’t want you to tell him/coach him what to do. Ok so what would happen if you played a card sex game? It’s then not directly you telling him. Have a look on Lovehoney and AnnSummers I’m sure they exist.

I don't see the point of this relationship at all from your point of view. If you don't want anything serious with him then at least the sex needs to be good. Otherwise you are much better off being just friends. He has far too many hang-ups and that is probably the reason why he has reached the age he is at and not had any long relationships.