Really lovely man, but the sex is dreadful

[Flowerylight]

So, I'm early 50s, happily single a long time and tbh expected to stay that way. Then a new friendship blossomed into something else.

In many ways I can't believe my luck, he's kind, reliable, funny, intelligent, respectful, interesting, solvent and we share many interests at the same time as enjoying things seperately. He's 5 years younger.

He's very affectionate and really loves a cuddle, but he's not bothered about sex or kissing. I don't think I'm sex obsessed I'm certainly not up for anything exotic, but I do enjoy being intimate and was hoping for good sex a couple of times a week.

Initially even the kissing was disappointing, but I've "coached" him and that's much better now.

With sex, he's clearly inexperienced and nervous and initially had trouble maintaining an errection. Once this became apparent he got himself tablets quickly and they've made a big difference, but it's still really inadequate. He doesn't want to touch me intimately and takes ages to orgasm himself, often not at all.

I've tried to gently coach him and I can't get to the bottom of his reluctance at all. In every other aspect of life he wants to make me happy, but this seems really difficult for him. When I tell him it's a problem for me, he says he understands, he's trying and it is improving, which it is, but is it ever likely to improve "enough"?

I've tried asking what he likes and what I can do to help, but the only things he comes up with are variations on a cuddle.

Does it just need patience and practice or is it never likely to get good?

He says his last relationship was 6 years ago and these things were never an issue then, which he doesn't mean to be an insult to me, but feels like one!

You could be right about that but I'm not sure that psycho-sexual counselling helps much from what I've heard. It's more pressure. I knew a couple who had that for ten years and it didn't work so they parted.

He's hardly going to say. Maybe his previous partner was content with less at the time. Whatever, it didn't last.

He may be the type of person who just likes to be cosy, not bothered too much about sex. There are people like that of box sexes.

I think the op has to accept him as he is and either just be mates or find someone else.

He's not a sex person, you're not going to get what you want here OP

The misandry in some of these responses is AWFUL (not the OP).

I’d love to see what you’d all think if a man wrote this about a woman’s performance in bed.

Why is the assumption if a man isn’t good at sex he’s addicted to porn, has health issues or is gay?

I’ve slept with several men who weren’t good at sex. But equally it might have been that we simply had no chemistry.

I really dislike this narrative, that a man is there to ‘service’ the woman and if he’s no good at it then “oh, I wouldn’t settle for that”/ “he should be dumped”.

I knew MN had some man-haters but seriously?

Has all the signs of having an avoidant attachment style - very limited relationship experience, independent, Peter pan traveller lifestyle, ED and the initial love bomb and you already have sufficient anxiety about this that you have posted here. What did he say about why his previous relationships came to an end? What is he like with conflict? What is he like with his emotions?

Doesn't matter too much if you only want a casual relationship but if you want something serious then be very careful as relationships with avoidants are always great in the beginning until they are not.

TwistedWonder exactly.
This is a Germaine Greer mantra for what it’s worth.
I heard the classic line - “Ive never had any complaints” when I suggested he could be gentler - suggesting there was something wrong with me - maybe not, I thought - but I bet they were thinking it.
After six months of enduring a battering ram in the hope he would calm down a little and things would improve I ended it.
He told me that I was ‘good in bed’ I thought, how would you know ???
OP you are working hard at this in the expectation of results but I fear you will only know disappointment-and possibly dismay.

It doesn’t sound great tbh, I don’t know how someone gets to his age and has had multiple relationships and is still crap at kissing and sex. I would guess he’s either asexual, gay or has an extremely low sex drive.

To me it sounds obvious too - because of the age difference - it is OK when you are 25 and a man is 20, or 35 and 30, but a man of 45 with a woman of 50? Could it ever work in the bedroom department? I mean, seriously and meaningfully? You can't fool biology, I am afraid.

Maybe he’s just not that into you?

OP how long have you dated? He might be putting on an affectionate mask for you and is maybe hiding how he really feels during the wooing stage. Some men are able to present a very charming front in the chase, but their insecurities or ambivalence or whatever less fantastic side can come through during sex. I’d watch very carefully that this shouldn’t be a red flag for something underneath. Might not be, but could be.

I'm not looking for anything serious, we won't live together whatever happens.

Interesting about anxious avoidant, because I'd see it as the opposite if anything, a bit quick to become "serious".

Last relationship is a sad story, which would be very outing, but basically she used him for a lot of childcare (went overseas and left them with him regularly, not his kids) then left when the children were old enough not to need it.

The difference is this guy doesn’t seem invested in fixing things.

I've known him nearly 2 years, we spent about 3 months spending a lot of time together as "friends" and have been romantically involved for 4 months.

Wow, I was prepared to be told a lot of what's gone before but why is a man of 45 with a woman of 50 so unlikely to succeed?

It seems to me that he doesn’t want to do anything to improve the situation so that sex is enjoyable for you. He doesn’t want to discuss the problem and doesn’t want to have a break from sex to reset, which suggests he expects you to accept crap sex. That’s selfish.

I think if you go along with this because the relationship is good in other ways you will soon become frustrated and resentful. You may well quickly dislike him intensely. I would because I would soon feel I was having to tolerate him getting his satisfaction from my body. To put it bluntly, I’d feel like a wank sock.

There’s sure to be a man out there with his qualities who would be a better intimate partner. If you don’t find one, I agree with others- no sex is better than crap sex

@Hwi what do you see as the problem with the ages? When I was 50 my DH was 42. We were fine.

This is so spot on from my experience

Oh well in this case, ignore my previous advice. Sex IS very important to me, and I COULDN'T live without it, but if you're not bothered, it's probably not that much of an issue, is it?

If you don't want a relationship- nothing serious- why waste time?

TBH your post comes over as if you're blown away by finding a man to date and you're happy someone's come along who ticks some boxes.

But there are many more fish in the sea.

You aren't doing him any favours by continuing because a) it's not helping him to seek professional help and b) it's clearly making him feel anxious but he won't address the issue.

I don't believe for a moment sex was fine with his ex.

This user always has very unusual takes. 😅

He doesn’t want you show him what you like? No, no, no. Embarassment or not, he’s not a teenage boy. His lack of interest in your pleasure seems to suggest he isn’t as nice as you want him to be.

Ignore that poster. They pop up all over the place with some very unusual opinions.

Avoidants can be very eager to move quickly in the initial wooing phase. They can love bomb and be unrealistic so long as it’s all fun and games. They become avoidant once the relationship gets real. If he wasn’t attaching to anyone and is running around traveling he might have some serious issues having real relationships. He can do the initial phase but the avoidance kicks in once the real work needs to be done. And we are seeing it already in how he’s handling this first real challenge. He’s not bringing himself to it, wants to ignore it.

Yes, I don't know. He's clearly not comfortable with being told/shown, but he does do it, or make an effort to do it anyway. He does want to please me, he just doesn't seem to enjoy doing it.

He is either lying that it wasn't an issue in his last relationship or it was but he didn't realise or didn't WANT to realise.

Given his good points, keep him as a friend. As a relationship it's not sustainable given your frustrations and his inability to improve on things. He just doesn't get it for whatever reason.

I bet if you spoke to the one who got away she'd say either she was happy to not have sex or she was glad to be out of his bed.