Really lovely man, but the sex is dreadful

[Flowerylight]

So, I'm early 50s, happily single a long time and tbh expected to stay that way. Then a new friendship blossomed into something else.

In many ways I can't believe my luck, he's kind, reliable, funny, intelligent, respectful, interesting, solvent and we share many interests at the same time as enjoying things seperately. He's 5 years younger.

He's very affectionate and really loves a cuddle, but he's not bothered about sex or kissing. I don't think I'm sex obsessed I'm certainly not up for anything exotic, but I do enjoy being intimate and was hoping for good sex a couple of times a week.

Initially even the kissing was disappointing, but I've "coached" him and that's much better now.

With sex, he's clearly inexperienced and nervous and initially had trouble maintaining an errection. Once this became apparent he got himself tablets quickly and they've made a big difference, but it's still really inadequate. He doesn't want to touch me intimately and takes ages to orgasm himself, often not at all.

I've tried to gently coach him and I can't get to the bottom of his reluctance at all. In every other aspect of life he wants to make me happy, but this seems really difficult for him. When I tell him it's a problem for me, he says he understands, he's trying and it is improving, which it is, but is it ever likely to improve "enough"?

I've tried asking what he likes and what I can do to help, but the only things he comes up with are variations on a cuddle.

Does it just need patience and practice or is it never likely to get good?

He says his last relationship was 6 years ago and these things were never an issue then, which he doesn't mean to be an insult to me, but feels like one!

He's older than his years in some attitudes. E.g. he thinks not shaving every day is scruffy, which would have been my dad's view but unusual now? And he's very careful not to swear/blaspheme, will say things like blimmin heck. Definitely some hang ups, I've noticed he always runs the tap when using the toilet, for example, and he'll put his pants back on as soon as he gets out of bed, won't walk around, even in the bedroom, naked.

He does get an errection, quite quickly and it's maintained for a while, but not long enough for him to orgasm, which takes ages.

I'm not massively experienced, the same partner for 30 years, so tbh it could well be that there are things I should do differently too.

Well he is, in every other way.

I think he's inexperienced and needs instruction. Telling him it's not good enough will put more pressure on him and he won't be able to maintain an erectio.
Take control. You show him how to touch you

Yes, I think that's almost certainly the case. I've suggested having a break from sex for a while and "starting again", but he says that's not what he wants.

So don’t tell him, just say you want a massage for a bad back or something or find other ways of touching eachother

It's not his fault and the fact that his previous relationship was OK sexually is not affront to you, that's just how it goes sometimes and it was six years ago. People change in six years.

Putting any pressure on him is not going to help.

I'd just stay friends with him but be open to other offers if they arise.

@SuspiciousChipmunk

is it? Why?

The trouble with a relationship
issue like this is that it will gradually kill off all your hard-earned self-esteem. You might be better as friends.

Don't waste your time, life is too short. If they can't kiss, that's where I end things, because I know they're going to be crap in bed. Maybe I would have tried to coach them in my 20s or early 30s, but I'm now in my late 40s and have zero time for that thank you very much 😂

Agree with this. I suspect he now has performance anxiety on top of being out of practice after a few years break. And he is also of an age where libido can slow down as well as the ability to maintain an erection becoming more of a challenge for some men.

Personally, I would feel that if he is great otherwise, and this was a naturally grown relationship (rather than OLD or similar) that it is worth sticking with it and gradually working out what works for both of you, instead of ending things.

Maybe he's a CSA survivor, just putting it out there. Speaking from experience it totally messes with your sex life. There's a lot of us about!

I've wondered this too. There's been a case recently involving a former choir master at his church. DP would be a little bit too old to have been a childhood victim, was very shaken by the revelations when they came out, as he knew and liked the man, but says he wasn't personally affected.

Yes, I think this what I'm hoping for, and sex isn't such a big deal for me that I can't live without it, I hadn't had any for years myself, I'm just surprised it's being so difficult in the early stages of a relationship.

Cut your losses.

If it's not working, it's not working.

At 47-ish he's a bit too young to have ED for physical reasons unless he's overweight and has medical issues so it suggests it's psychological. I'v e had relationships with much older men in their mid 60s who had no issues with erections.

I'd stop looking for answers and move on.

There will be someone out there who ticks more boxes so it's not worth settling for this- it won't get any better.

Bloody ‘ell.

Does he initiate swx but it is a bit shit, or do you think he'd happily not bother if yo7 didn't want it?
Some really bitchy comments on here, there might be lots of reasons, including being asexual, doesn't mean there is something wrong with him.
Personally I'd rather have a loving companion than sex anyway, but if its something you need then I still think your relationship is work working on.

I do think @VintageFollie had a point Op. He was very keen and passionate before you got to penerative sex, now he'd rather have a cuddle. I think, like you, he'd hoped it would be great sex, now he's disappointed and probably his ego has taken a bashing because he has erection problems.

If he's not had a relationship for 6 years and he says he didn't have problems then, could he have developed a health issue since then which is causing difficulties for him and hence anxiety?

Based on this if he ever wants to have a full relationship, he needs sexual therapy/ counselling.

There's a lot to unpick and to be honest, I don't think you should be his therapist.
I'd tell him the truth, ask him to take responsibility for his issues, get professional help and come back to you if he feels there is some improvement.

I think he's lying about it not being an issue in previous relationships.

He likely has a very low sex drive/ED. He's made some attempts to address this incompatibility, but it looks like your sex drives aren't well matched at all.

It won't improve.. the beginning of a relationship is when you'd expect to see fireworks and lots of passion. This? Is just a damp squib.

Find a new partner - one whose sexual energy aligns with yours.

Nothing wrong with asexuality, but it doesn’t sound as if you’re asexual OP

Why does everyone accept there were no problems before?

It's only his word.

Given he's embarrassed about being heard using the loo, (he runs the taps), puts his pants back on quickly, won't be seen naked, can't orgasm easily- this is a man with deeply rooted inhibitions not 'out of practice' of having a e health issue.
He needs psycho-sexual counselling.

Well there are 2 options. Either he's lying or he isn't. If he's lying then there's not much that can be done. But 40s is an age where some men get things like high blood pressure for the first time and the medication for that can cause ED for example.

Perhaps medical issue? Low testosterone?

Yes I agree, performance anxiety and failure can cause a big dent in confidence. I read his response about it not being a previous problem is him saying he isn't always that crap, but badly worded. An old boyfriend once told me how, as he got older, the fear of not getting it up was real and he envied women who didn't have such a visible sign of arousal (!) as he had an experience where his failure was taken as him not fancying or liking the woman he was with.

Maybe he feels that coaching from you is something he shouldn't need - not in an arrogant way, but in a way that is tied up with his own sexual identity. I think it's made more difficult by the fact he obviously really likes you and finds you attractive.

And I second the poster who said that once menopause hit, sex drive can go out of the window for women! So you might find you throw him back only to find you don't want sex much either...