Really lovely man, but the sex is dreadful

[Flowerylight]

So, I'm early 50s, happily single a long time and tbh expected to stay that way. Then a new friendship blossomed into something else.

In many ways I can't believe my luck, he's kind, reliable, funny, intelligent, respectful, interesting, solvent and we share many interests at the same time as enjoying things seperately. He's 5 years younger.

He's very affectionate and really loves a cuddle, but he's not bothered about sex or kissing. I don't think I'm sex obsessed I'm certainly not up for anything exotic, but I do enjoy being intimate and was hoping for good sex a couple of times a week.

Initially even the kissing was disappointing, but I've "coached" him and that's much better now.

With sex, he's clearly inexperienced and nervous and initially had trouble maintaining an errection. Once this became apparent he got himself tablets quickly and they've made a big difference, but it's still really inadequate. He doesn't want to touch me intimately and takes ages to orgasm himself, often not at all.

I've tried to gently coach him and I can't get to the bottom of his reluctance at all. In every other aspect of life he wants to make me happy, but this seems really difficult for him. When I tell him it's a problem for me, he says he understands, he's trying and it is improving, which it is, but is it ever likely to improve "enough"?

I've tried asking what he likes and what I can do to help, but the only things he comes up with are variations on a cuddle.

Does it just need patience and practice or is it never likely to get good?

He says his last relationship was 6 years ago and these things were never an issue then, which he doesn't mean to be an insult to me, but feels like one!

I agree with all those saying that you may have created some performance anxiety for him. Maybe stop trying to direct him and start with the cuddles that he seems comfortable with. It's likely to develop further when he feels comfortable.

Do you touch yourself when you're with him? Cuddles and self stimulation could be a good place to begin again.

He does sound quite reserved, but I've had very shy men who are great in bed; one who hated being naked out of bed (not sure about the wee, but he was not into having the bathroom door open for a chat during a wee 😂) You are right though, therapist is very 'unsexy.'

My opinion is he's a good friend but it's not working as a relationship including sex.

Sometimes these things happen and it's best to cut your losses and salvage the friendship.

I have questions about the way he's using Viagra, @Flowerylight. It's designed to help men who feel turned on but can't get a full erection. A man using it when he is not at all into the sex he's having seems a bit grim.

I'm a woman over 50 and I do not recognise the world that poster is describing.

Maybe you are just not very attractive as I very much doubt Kate Beckinsale, Amanda Holden, Halle Berry or Elizabeth Hurley would struggle to find men who want them.

I was not talking about gold-digging men - of course these nice rich ladies will have no problem to find younger men to sponge off them.
On second thoughts - really bad examples, all of them - Amanda Holden, for ever 'putting a leggy display on' and no partner, same goes for Berry and Beckingsale - they were both used and then dumped by their younger partners, they are partner-less now.
And of course there are lots of foreign men in need of British passports, who find our older ladies irresistible, but this is not what we are talking about here, no?

Ditto. And as for the younger men not being attracted to older women - just ask any single older woman how many approaches she’s had from men young enough to be her son, most will have lost count

No. It is not about kinks or physical appearance or the boyfriend not being in the OP. Some people need longer to get off. It’s called delayed orgasm. One reason may be masturbating too vigorously which may lead to decreased sensitivity or a need to go harder or have intense stimulation to get off (like rubbing a penis between a mattress or rubbing into the bed on the belly). Or being on medications like SSRIs or having diabetes. But 1 out of 10 may just have a high threshold, like some do for pain. It just takes a long time to get off and they may have been born that way. So sex therapy, male vibrators, masturbating with silicone sleeves more gently and basically edging might be helpful. Cuddling and emotional connection can also help. But the OP and/or boyfriend may or may not want to go on that journey. I wish them the best of luck. Knowledge is power…

It sounds like he is autistic, if so things won't improve

@Hwi

amanda Holden is married. Are you quite ok?

And Halle Berry has been in a relationship with a 4 years younger man (which is massive, right - according to hwi 5 yrs is a massive age gap, it's trying to fool nature!!) for years now.

(He's a grammy winning musician & song writer).

If hwi is referring to the father of her first child : he doesn't seem like a terribly nice person, understatement.

(He dates mixed race people and calls them the N word, his childcare person reported him for letting his toddler DD wander around a swimming pool without supervising her).so I'd imagine that that had as much or more to do with the breakdown of their relationship as him being younger!

they were both used

HB got a young, fertile, model looks Dad for her first child.

Seems like she got a bit of use out of him too.

Dp is from a religious background and he's unbelievable in bed.. Good sex is confidence based....

Some people are just shit in bed... Quite common on both sides ..... Either coach him or let him go...

As for Kate Beckinsale; which one lol?

She seems to specialise in younger men.

Again, who's using who?

DH is almost 53 and I’m eight years older, it all still works !

What are you on about. Amanda Holden is and has been married for years. Halle Berry is in a ltr I Believe.

What’s going on with you. You seem to have a weird distorted narrative going on in your head

Sorry, in my world biology plays a part - a fertile man can't get it up for a post-menopausal woman is perfectly normal, yet in your world younger men can't get enough of older women, and my world is distorted? Truly black is white and white is black, madness.

@Hwi what a ridiculous (and ageist and sexist) thing to say. I'm 10 years post-menopausal. Haven't noticed any problems in my (8 years younger) DH's "abilities". Not even going there with your other disgusting posts.

You are not kidding! They come out of the woodwork, make excuses to come into your office, will do anything to help you. Hee hee.

Employment in the sector not the leading stars of that age

My first thought when you said he didn’t want to touch you …. It would be a no from me.

‘Is he gay?’
’I bet he’s addicted to porn’
’Religious upbringing’
‘He’s got issues’
’I wouldn’t put up with that’
’Ditch him’
’Life’s too short for crap sex’
‘He must be autistic’

Can you IMAGINE if any of that was said about a woman who wasn’t that into things or was lacking in confidence in the bedroom?

They aren't they are realistic.
People rarely get all their needs met in one person.