Really lovely man, but the sex is dreadful

[Flowerylight]

So, I'm early 50s, happily single a long time and tbh expected to stay that way. Then a new friendship blossomed into something else.

In many ways I can't believe my luck, he's kind, reliable, funny, intelligent, respectful, interesting, solvent and we share many interests at the same time as enjoying things seperately. He's 5 years younger.

He's very affectionate and really loves a cuddle, but he's not bothered about sex or kissing. I don't think I'm sex obsessed I'm certainly not up for anything exotic, but I do enjoy being intimate and was hoping for good sex a couple of times a week.

Initially even the kissing was disappointing, but I've "coached" him and that's much better now.

With sex, he's clearly inexperienced and nervous and initially had trouble maintaining an errection. Once this became apparent he got himself tablets quickly and they've made a big difference, but it's still really inadequate. He doesn't want to touch me intimately and takes ages to orgasm himself, often not at all.

I've tried to gently coach him and I can't get to the bottom of his reluctance at all. In every other aspect of life he wants to make me happy, but this seems really difficult for him. When I tell him it's a problem for me, he says he understands, he's trying and it is improving, which it is, but is it ever likely to improve "enough"?

I've tried asking what he likes and what I can do to help, but the only things he comes up with are variations on a cuddle.

Does it just need patience and practice or is it never likely to get good?

He says his last relationship was 6 years ago and these things were never an issue then, which he doesn't mean to be an insult to me, but feels like one!

@Flowerylight its good that he’s taking action etc but to me the bigger issue is his inability to fully discuss and communicate over deeper issues that may be impacting him.

if the crap sex wasn’t the relationship killer - the poor communication would finish me off. Yes it’s an awkward conversation he needs go have but it’s a necessary one.

good luck.

Is he unwilling to try because he is embarrassed about getting it wrong? Or because he just has no interest in it? Because someone who wasn’t interested in me saying “let me show you what feels good” is not someone I’d be interested in really because it wouldn’t feel like my pleasure was important to him. So it wouldn’t be “just” the bad sex, it would be the lack of interest in me. I want my partner to enjoy sex, and I want them to want me to as well.

You want good sex a couple of times a week.

He's not that fussed, and the sex isn't good when you do get it.

You can't change him - and anyway, can you imagine the response you'd get on here if you were the man and he was the woman?

Up to you to decide if it's a dealbreaker for you.

What I would say is that I had a new relationship at 50 with a younger man and we were at it like rabbits for the first couple of years (sorry RL friends). Then the dusty dry slopes of menopause encroached, wiping out my libido. Just a thought.

My exh was similar.. I have posted here before the first time he saw my genitals was during the birth of our first dc...
He managed to orgasm but never bothered about my pleasure.. If I tried to finish myself off he would grab my hand and stop me....
He didn't want a dw but did want dc.. He got me pregnant without my consent.... To trap me i assume.
I resigned myself to an unhappy marriage.. Lasted 8 years then left him. I did have an affair after suggesting an early night once and he complained he would never get to sleep at 9pm...
He was raised Catholic but never practiced ime...

I agree.
Life is full of compromises. You have a decent kind man whose company you enjoy and who is warm and affectionate. As you get older you will come to appreciate these things more.
It is not possible for one person to be good at everything ... you just have to decide what are deal breakers.
There are so many threads here about women having sex they do not want and they are told they do not have to do anything they do not wish to. The same goes for this man.
I am sure that during your single years you found ways of managing your sexual needs.
Do not dismiss him out of hand.

I don't know. Early on, he was very keen to sleep together, when I wanted to take things slowly, it's been a long time for me too and moving on from friendship seemed like a big risk. He was very understanding of that.

The first time was an abject disaster and it's since then he's got less keen. Before we actually tried intercourse he was much more passionate and excitable. So it could be that he's scared of failure.

As someone in a great marriage but with shit sex I'd say don't get your hopes up and think about what's most important to you. I wouldn't dream of breaking up what we have in the search of good sex.

However if we were ever to break up down the line I think I'd sleep with a new man sooner rather than later and prioritise sex higher before I was in deeper with him. I waited quite a long time to sleep with DH and hoped it would improve but we haven't ended up anywhere near I'd have hoped it to be

That's awful, but it's not what this is.

I do orgasm one way or another every time and he has started to touch me. He doesn't really want me to tell him how, but that could be embarrassment. He definitely wants me around and enjoys being with me.

No one is suggesting OP force or pressure him into something he doesn’t want. But saying that someone doesn’t have to do anything they don’t want to sexually doesn’t mean that someone else can’t decide that they want a different sex life if that’s what they want.

It all depends how much it matters to you, doesn’t it? No one can answer that for you. Is it better to be alone than be with him?

What would happen if you introduced a small vibrating bullet thing? Nothing too intimidating but potentially fun for both of you. Maybe he actually doesn’t know his own needs much, if he’s been told that masturbation is wrong or whatever when growing up.

The “being gay” thing seems a red herring, unless there are other signs. Could be he’s asexual, or just doesn’t have much of a sex drive? Doesn’t mean you have to park your needs either, but if he makes you happy in other ways, then maybe you can reach a compromise? Seems a shame to chuck a man you really like but if sex is extremely important to you then you’ll have to.

It's possible he's gay, and due to a religious upbringing is unwilling to 'come out'. Or could he simply want companionship with cuddles? For a man to have zero interest in sex, especially in his 40's is odd. Would he be willing to go to therapy? You've asked what he likes, and he seems to either not to know, or gives you variations of cuddles. A man in his 40's would know what turns him on sexually, especially one who's had relationships. If he seems inexperienced for a man of his age, yet has had relationships - the two don't correlate in my opinion. A person can't be both! Either he hasn't had as many relationships as he's said? They weren't very long relationships (months rather than years) or the sex was non-existent in all his previous relationships? Men generally can't wait to get their hands on their partner in bed!! I know my husband can't, he's practically drooling!! So to not want to touch you intimately is odd too.

He doesn't want to touch me intimately

I'd be asking him why.

And I wouldn't be letting him skate off the subject.

He says he's never had a high sex drive.

Could he be asexual?

There are so many threads here about women having sex they do not want and they are told they do not have to do anything they do not wish to.

And it is then up to their partners if they want to continue the relationship or end it and try to find a new partner.

This is true in any relationship, but especially true in one with no major ties, like this one.

Quite the opposite probably! Some erotic porn or fiction might teach him the art of seduction, kissing, touching, foreplay then sex.
Note I said EROTIC not hardcore before you all jump down my throat. The guy clearly has no clue. It reminds me of a Victorian married couple who had to visit a Dr as they hadn't had any children. The Dr had to explain sex to them. Sometimes people have no idea on these things.

That's it then. No mystery and he's been honest about it. He's never had a high sex drive. Up to you whether you want to settle for that in your 50s.

he has started to touch me. He doesn't really want me to tell him how, but that could be embarrassment.

He needs to understand that a bit of communication is key.

Every woman is different, it's no slight on his experience/skills.

Whether it's embarrassment or ego ... He needs to get past that because he'll never be a good sexual partner until he does.

My partner was also very nervous at the start and needed viagra for a while. Also has a lower sex drive than me.

But now nearly 2 years later we have a good sex life. The crucial point is he has always wanted to touch me and gives me orgasms every time although that took a few months!

I could not stay in relationship where I didn’t feel desired at all. Sounds like a slow death to me.

OP- he is gay.

Note I said EROTIC not hardcore before you all jump down my throat

I actually find that - if you wade through the deluge of male centred, crap, penetration focused etc. porn .....there are actually loads of both pro and amateur hardcore videos with men who do actually spend ages touching their partners intimately or giving oral sex.

It's probably a lot more common in the amateur stuff, because the pro makers do not have the screen time to show extended intimate touching etc and tend to cycle through activities and positions relatively quickly (even the oral sex on men is like "3 minutes, now change to penetration").

Was he single for a long while before you? How many times have you slept together?

It took DP and me awhile to find our groove. We're middle aged. He'd been single forever and I'd been with another man forever. We were both awkward and nervous, partly because we were super duper keen on each other and desperate for it to work. He didn't respond physically as we hoped he would, having 'taken care of himself' for so long.

We got there in the end, and it's brilliant. Do you get the sense that he wants this to work and is open to doing things differently? I think that's the key here, your gut should be telling you if it's worth a shot or not.

But then OP said... "Early on, he was very keen to sleep together, when I wanted to take things slowly". And "Before we actually tried intercourse he was much more passionate and excitable". Something doesn't add up. I'm still curious as to his home situation and whether he lives with his parents.

I would say porn related sex problems.
How long has he been single ?

Couldn’t disagree more.

Shit sex is terrible. It’s worse than no sex.