Really lovely man, but the sex is dreadful

[Flowerylight]

So, I'm early 50s, happily single a long time and tbh expected to stay that way. Then a new friendship blossomed into something else.

In many ways I can't believe my luck, he's kind, reliable, funny, intelligent, respectful, interesting, solvent and we share many interests at the same time as enjoying things seperately. He's 5 years younger.

He's very affectionate and really loves a cuddle, but he's not bothered about sex or kissing. I don't think I'm sex obsessed I'm certainly not up for anything exotic, but I do enjoy being intimate and was hoping for good sex a couple of times a week.

Initially even the kissing was disappointing, but I've "coached" him and that's much better now.

With sex, he's clearly inexperienced and nervous and initially had trouble maintaining an errection. Once this became apparent he got himself tablets quickly and they've made a big difference, but it's still really inadequate. He doesn't want to touch me intimately and takes ages to orgasm himself, often not at all.

I've tried to gently coach him and I can't get to the bottom of his reluctance at all. In every other aspect of life he wants to make me happy, but this seems really difficult for him. When I tell him it's a problem for me, he says he understands, he's trying and it is improving, which it is, but is it ever likely to improve "enough"?

I've tried asking what he likes and what I can do to help, but the only things he comes up with are variations on a cuddle.

Does it just need patience and practice or is it never likely to get good?

He says his last relationship was 6 years ago and these things were never an issue then, which he doesn't mean to be an insult to me, but feels like one!

That was my first thought too.

Would love to see the responses if it was the other way around!!!

It really depends on how you see sex. I love sex and a sexless relationship would probably be a no-go for me, but thats partly because I see sex as 'proof's love which I know sounds rubbish! I feel loved so feel happier (rather than say someone buying me a gift).

That said, I think it's very rare to find someone that ticks all the boxes. I am happy with my GF, but she is not perfect, and yes, in the bedroom we are not always aligned (I have higher sex drive, prefer evenings, she prefers mornings, and we have various likes/dislikes which don't align). But everything is else is so good I don't really care. Sure, I could find someone more in tune with me in that area but there would probably be a compromise on something else. I guess it depends where on the scale sex sits

Why? Genuinely, why would that be relevant?

Were his previous relationships definitely with women?

Something is working if you're orgasming every time so maybe he doesn't realise you're unsatisfied.
I do think though that a reluctance in the bedroom is going to lead to you feeling rejected and undesirable which will end in soul destruction. It won't set in as yet it's early in the relationship and in the happiest phase of it. But I don't see how you'd avoid it in the long run. Maybe he's mr right now and not mr right. Depends whether you have relationships for the companionship or because you have long term plans. If it's the long term plans thing I would just cut to the chase and get rid. Or if he's ok for now just enjoy but be honest that you're not looking to settle down.

From your posts - sex is important for you and I agree I think it’s part of a healthy relationship. And I also think in his mid-40s really he should be a bit more aware. I suppose the question is are you willing to teach him and is he willing to try? If the answer to both is yes than you have your answer.

Well, I don't have any "evidence" beyond some old FB photos, but yes.

I think it's unfair to label him as gay or uninterested in OP, some people are just bad at sex and for good reason.

Sex was very taboo in my household growing up. If any intimate scenes came on the tv my dad would say to me 'go grab a bag of sweets from the kitchen' as a way of dealing with his dicomfort.

As a teen and even in my 20's I was comfortable with flirting and chatting to women but when it came down to business I was awkward, unsure and admittedly pretty bad. I was always paranoid about being too rough or adventurous for fear of being viewed as a 'weirdo'.

It took 10 years of marriage and openess to tackle these fears and I probably still have quite a lot of room for improvement.

Don't give up on him just yet OP. A guy who treats you well but is bad in bed is still better than an arsehole who is amazing in the sack. Guys can get better at sex way easier than guys can get better at not being arseholes imo.

I was with a man like this post-divorce. He was mid-50s I was mid 40s. He was perfect. Romantic, attentive, loving - everything I needed and wanted after a terrible marriage. But the sex was dire and we couldnt talk about it. He got really weird if I brought it up. He basically couldnt maintain an erection if he could at all, and the whole thing was a long lot of foreplay - but no real penetration, and if it was it was limp and short lived.

I tried and tried to make it work, and talk to him, but he just wouldnt and he would make up he was fucking like rabbits with previous girlfriends.

I ended it after 6 mths cos it got no better. I believe some men, no matter what age, just are embarrassed immature teenage boys and cant admit when they might have a problem. I do know how lovely and rare it is to have someone who ticks all of your boxes (except one) so its hard to let go. But, i'd end it - it wont get better.

I agree with pp - what's his accommodation situation? Especially compared to yours. Has he bought near you? Is he from a different country if he's religious?

If he's travelled around the world, that's great, but how much financial stability has he got as a result?

Maybe if he hasn't put down ties or built up a life it's attractive for him to then partner up with someone more established.

He's really not doing you a favour by stopping his travels for you, saying that doesn't prove anything? People tend to do what suits their needs and wants. Is he happy building up his own life and paying for separate living?

If you're happy with his motivations and a companionship style thing then there are a lot of men who can't orgasm easily, sometimes it's porn sometimes it's psychological or asexual or just not very highly sexed?

This doesn't change easily, I guess you can accept you may be physically connecting/getting affection by cuddling on the sofa and holding hands

at his age trying to solve it or change it or come up with solutions will probably just be total futility and lower your self-esteem.

he's from a religious background.

I think this might give you a clue.

"He says his last relationship was 6 years ago and these things were never an issue then, which he doesn't mean to be an insult to me, but feels like one!"

It feels insulting because it is. Also, would he really tell you if she thought he was a crap shag too? Ask yourself why he feels the need to bring his past relationships into your bed? It's not relevant; he's just flexing to make you feel that you are the problem. He's old enough to know how to shag well, so my guess is that he can't maintain intimacy, and that there is some deeper issues regarding his empathy and emotional intelligence. I'd run.

I don't think he's doing me a favour. Someone said he "needed" me and I don't see that at all. He's not at all needy.

He didn't "bring them" I asked, as a way of trying to understand what's going on.

It all boils down to whether you're able to have an open and honest conversation with him about the mismatch in expectations.

You want good sex a couple of times a week. Is that what he's aiming for too? You want to give and receive pleasure, you want to be able to talk to him about what you'd like (and vice versa?) - is he up for that too?

If not then there's not enough to work with.

I briefly dated one of these people. Wouldn't touch me, wouldn't go down on me. Turned out he thought vulvas/vaginas were unhygienic and he'd "rather go down on a cock" (yes, actual quote). Oddly kept asking for anal sex - clearly clueless about any preparation involved 😂 (don't worry, I obvs didn't). Also had a religious background. He's about 40 now, otherwise I'd have sworn it was the same guy.

Bin him off. Your vag deserves better.

Fair enough, but from what you are describing I do not believe that you are the first woman to raise these issues with him, which means he was still disingenuous in his response, when he could have said "Yeah, it has been an issue before." Being VERY generous to him, it could be that you two have zero chemistry in bed. Either way, it sounds like it's causing you anxiety, which isn't sexy at all.

I think he sounds lovely. And he does talk and take responsibility.
Don't give up on him .
Love this
Guys can get better at sex way easier than guys can get better at not being arseholes imo.

I think he'd benefit from sex therapy with a psychologist, they will explore his past and his thinking, to get to what may be causing his issues, he can then work on those and it may help to improve things.

If he was keen at the beginning, I would say that it's probably his performance anxiety and failure the first time that has caused the problem. After a disastrous start, he probably was feeling afraid it would happen again and putting too much pressure on himself.

If you want to find a way forward, take the pressure off and just enjoy being intimate with each other without it having to lead to sex. Massage, baths, cuddling and being comfortable with each other is a good way to start. You can tell him how you enjoy being touched and what turns you on and find out what he likes too.

My only caveat would be if he doesn't show an interest in giving you pleasure. No-one wants a selfish lover and your pleasure and satisfaction should be important to him.

I guess it is going to boil down to how important good sex is in your relationship. It is possible that you are never going to be sexually compatible. As I've got older, sex is less important to me and the connection I have with the person is way more important. Ideally, you want to have both, in the same way you want someone solvent, kind, with their own teeth, decent manners and a GSOH, but we can't always get everything we want wrapped up in one human being.

If I were you @Flowerylight I'd be backing off and taking all the sexual pressure off and seeing how much he comes towards you for it. From my own experience, men seem to struggle way more with performance issues than women and when they feel insecure about their performance it only makes things worse, not better. If he doesn't come forwards at all, or it continues to be so dreadful that you know you can't bear it, then you have your answer.

*He's sexually repressed and uncommunicative.
*Religious background and you've wondered whether he's gay.
*Won't touch you and even after coaching, is incapable of pleasing you.

Wouldn't be for me.

in the nicest possible way OP have you maybe created a bit of anxiety by bringing it up a lot for him and trying to coach him?
I don’t think he’s gay or disinterested in you at all as others have said, but perhaps you scared or demasculinated him a bit by coaching him to kiss, raising the sex issue ect ect and now he’s intimidated.
have you tried taking it off the table and easing up for a while while you try and raise his confidence a bit with lots of other love and contact that doesn’t lead to sex? This might help him relax?

Might be worth suggesting couples sex therapy and seeing how he reacts? I believe it usually follows a stepped process which initially focuses on simply touching each other, taking the pressure off achieving erections/orgasms.

As a previous poster said, this is about communication, and whether you are able to talk about the issue freely. He sounds great in other respects, but perhaps suggesting therapy might clarify whether he's sees this as a real problem that he's willing to address for the relationship, or whether he is secretly hoping you'll eventually settle and stop bringing the subject up.

This sounds like a communication issue rather than a sex issue.

You've given multiple examples of you trying to get him to open up to you and all you get back from him is the absolute minimum (to get you off his back).

These mumsnetters trying to guess his issues aren't going to fix this because he's the only one who knows and you need him to be willing to share with you.

Ask yourself why you are willing to put all this time and effort into coaching a grown ass man to be a good relationship partner when he clearly isn't.