3 weeks from due date and DH refuses to help - everything must be 'equal'

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted. Our bins were overflowing and needed to be taken out for collection (they only collect fortnightly). I asked my husband FIVE times over 48 hours to take them out, explaining that if we miss collection, we'll have nowhere for food waste for two weeks.

He kept saying "in a bit" but never did it, so we missed collection. When I finally confronted him, his response was "the bin is on wheels, you could have managed it yourself!!"

I'm furious. This is only the SECOND time I've asked him to deal with the bins during my entire 9-month pregnancy. He actually told me after 8 months that he'd help with the bins, and still refuses to do it. Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?

I've asked barely anything of him this whole time - I still cook, clean, and maintain the same standards as before pregnancy. He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over.

He does pull his weight around the house generally and probably does more than me, but today made a flippant comment that "he does everything." Meanwhile, he's been on holiday to last week with friends, is going away again next week, and living his normal life while I'm struggling at 36 weeks. Is it fair to only ask for support if doing something is impossible? Or is it reasonable to just ask for support occasionally?! Please let me know what happens in other relationships on this.

I ended up calling the collection service myself and taking the bins out (wasn't as heavy as it looked, but that's not the point or is it and is he right?).

I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable here? Is he? Are we both?

Surely everything being equal means he too must grow a whole human being in his body? If he’s not able to do that then he picks up extra household tasks to even up the scales.

You know full well you're not being unreasonable. Stop with the he helps out around the house shit. You're not helping him are you. You both live there. It's both your responsibility.

It isn't about equality, it's about coersive control.

This isn’t new, right? This is how he has always been. Why did you want to bring a child into it?
He isn’t going to change. Doesn’t matter how wrong he is or how awful he is; it’s who he is and he won’t change. There is literally nothing you can do; and it’s too late now since you’re pregnant so you’re stuck with this man as the child’s father.

You have two choices; either stay and live like this because it will not change or leave and start over with your child and manage co-parenting.

It will only get worse when you have a baby to look after and you still have to look after your husband and do everything. But… it’s a choice you made so not sure what anyone can say. If I were you, I’d be making plans to get out of there and set up alone because your life with him is going to be awful, and your child is going to think your dynamic is normal. Do you want your son to behave like that as an adult? Do you want your daughter to accept a man who treats her like that? They need better role models.

Absolutely ridiculous of your DH op, that end stage exhaustion is awful and if he respected your pregnancy he would be doing his best to support you.

This may not be a good sign for how it will be after the baby arrives tbh. Do you have other sources of help?

What would happen if you point blank refused to, eg take the bins out or cook a meal when it's your turn? Have you let it go to the wire?

Jeez he's one coercive horrible bastard isn't he.

If he wants everything equal, next time he can grow the baby.

Get some respect for yourself OP. Get out while you can.

Leave him, your newborn time would be so much less stressful without a controlling asshole in the same house. He will only get worse.

Is this your first child?

Honestly you need to stop letting him gaslight you like this, tell him to stop being such a lazy bastard and to pull his weight. Have a discussion now about expectations after the birth.

He needs to understand what a toll all of this is on your body. If he can’t understand that, tell him he needs to go on a 20 mile run each and every day without fail and then crack on with “equal”.

He wants equal he gets equal. A hard kick in the balls during every contraction. He gets up in the night every time you do. Equal nappies. Grind salt into his nipples. I’m sure soon he will be keen to help with the bins. What a selfish so and so he is

Perhaps he could spend up to 24 hours squeezing a melon through a small orifice as 'equality' for labour?

I hate this transactional petty peevish attitude men have. Only at the end of my marriage did I realise exH had been keeping 'score' the whole time.

Does he have any redeeming qualities to justify why you’re still with someone so self absorbed?

This!

Another Prince amongst men.

I’d stop cooking dinner. Start asking him what’s for dinner every night.

Imagine what having a baby to look after with this dickhead will look like. I’d rather do it alone.

He makes me cook every other night without exception -

What happens if you do not?
What happens if you serve up beans on toast ?

This is not going to go well in the future. When baby is here, I’m sure things won’t become equal then. You need to absolutely lay down the law here. His attitude is not acceptable.

He's not pregnant, so it can't be equal.
He's a pig and you deserve better.
Definitely don't cook or clean for him, who would you?!

Shame him in front of someone he really cares about.

And your life gets infinitely harder when the baby comes OP.

Do you have a parent you can go to or family member who can help you recover from the birth? Are you going to be lugging bins about if you have a section?

I remember our lawn really needed mowing (we had a lot of foxes and cats that poo’d on the lawn whenever it was overgrown) when I was 37 weeks pregnant. I kept nagging husband to do it and he couldn’t be bothered, so I did it and ended up in ED when I then had chest pain from wielding this cheap heavy mower in the heat. It didn’t HAVE to be done the way bins needs to be done but he was happy to watch me mowing the lawn sweating my arse off

I can't believe what I've just read. I would be planning to leave him. I can just imagine what he's like when you have a newborn to look after and he's expecting you to get up and be equal. Imagine if you've had very bad delivery or a c section he sill still expect you to get up and get on with it. I take it this is your first baby.

He insists he does so many other duties that the bins he will not do. He then said he would but despite me asking many times and saying do it now as you're going to forget and he DID FORGET then tried making excuses for it.

He then threw other things completely not related at me - like oh I told you to wash out your food from the fridge (which I did, but not immediately after he asked!!!) which is ridiculous as food in the fridge doesn't have a deadline like bins do.

He then said it's my problem for not helping him with work stuff he's asked. I'm like, wtf does this have to do with the bins? And the one thing he says he detests is bringing Jon related things into an argument yet he did exactly that.

He's living exactly the same life as he did before and I've even been happy for him going away on holidays twice this month in the run up to me giving birth. I don't understand why someone can't see with this how much little support I'm actually asking and can still throw back at me this way.

I've not asked him to attend any hospital visits nothing - and I still get treated this way.

He claims he's working so much to put food on the table - but as am I. I'm still working late into my pregnancy.

He made a comment this week I'm dismissing any of his suggestions around the baby, and I thought because you have no right the way you've been! He doesn't deserve any say, he can't have it both ways.

I'm so sad and angry

Out of interest, what is he like when he's ill? Food poisoning, man flu? Does 50/50 remain firmly in place?