3 weeks from due date and DH refuses to help - everything must be 'equal'

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted. Our bins were overflowing and needed to be taken out for collection (they only collect fortnightly). I asked my husband FIVE times over 48 hours to take them out, explaining that if we miss collection, we'll have nowhere for food waste for two weeks.

He kept saying "in a bit" but never did it, so we missed collection. When I finally confronted him, his response was "the bin is on wheels, you could have managed it yourself!!"

I'm furious. This is only the SECOND time I've asked him to deal with the bins during my entire 9-month pregnancy. He actually told me after 8 months that he'd help with the bins, and still refuses to do it. Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?

I've asked barely anything of him this whole time - I still cook, clean, and maintain the same standards as before pregnancy. He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over.

He does pull his weight around the house generally and probably does more than me, but today made a flippant comment that "he does everything." Meanwhile, he's been on holiday to last week with friends, is going away again next week, and living his normal life while I'm struggling at 36 weeks. Is it fair to only ask for support if doing something is impossible? Or is it reasonable to just ask for support occasionally?! Please let me know what happens in other relationships on this.

I ended up calling the collection service myself and taking the bins out (wasn't as heavy as it looked, but that's not the point or is it and is he right?).

I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable here? Is he? Are we both?

Tbh that’s fine in my books. My husband only came to 1 scan each baby (first he couldn’t do 2 as Covid) and second he did one scan and looked after dc1 for the other scan I went alone. We both didn’t mind.

the other stuff is shit though. I would draw up a rota for 50:50 cooking and bins and refuse to do his days. Point blank refuse

Congratulations. You are the 1 millionth woman to have chosen to procreate with a complete cunt. You win a life of misery with him.

That’s a bit harsh.

Why do you only eat things cooked from scratch? Life would be a bit easier if you didn't set yourself this target. That's not massively important in the bigger HUGE context of you having a baby with someone who is not helping you, but it's a sidebar.

Do you have a support network? You're going to need it with this oxygen thief negging you while recover from birth/ adapt to life with a new baby and all the work and effort that entails.

Of course he's nice to you sometimes, he wouldn't have hooked you in this far otherwise. He doesn't have to be nice anymore because it's now very difficult to disentangle yourself from him. He can dodge chores and fuck off on jollies to his heart's content and leave you doing the drudge-work at home.

Please make sure that you keep your options as open as possible so that you can become independent from him...

He is totally beyond unreasonable. Don't passively accept his behaviour.

He makes me cook every other night without exception

Makes you? What would happen if you didn't?

Yes, but not others because it would be “a waste of his time”

Seriously? How on earth have you ended up in this situation? Did you have an abusive childhood? I certainly made piss poor choices about relationships because of low self esteem from my shit childhood.

He sounds beyond selfish.

Harsh, yet 100% true.
And the kid will be subjected to it too.

He isnt kind to you in other ways

Exactly what I was going to say. It always baffles me

@Youcalyptus it's healthier. He won't eat pre frozen food I would otherwise cook batch

This guy sounds very immature and inflexible just at a time you really need him to be a decent person.

Most adults can grasp intuitively, that equality doesn’t mean treating people exactly the same. Because people go through different things in their life, treating their differences exactly the same, would be really unfair.

He’s obviously not hearing any of this from you, so someone that he respects needs to read him the riot act on this and explain to him what he needs to start doing, like give him a specific list of things.

Meanwhile you need to also line up adults that you like and trust to help you when you’re having the baby and afterwards. Do you have family and friend that you can ask for help? Don’t rely on him.

So he is going to do 50% of nappy changes and night wakings then!

You realise that the scan is to check that everything is OK? If it wasn't wouldn't you want your partner to be there for support?

Get rid of the useless bag of skin.

@SocialEvent yes that is the biggest issue thank you your post resonates.

He is so inflexible - it's horrible.

I don't get why, no matter what's going on the rules can rarely change unless I'm dead or dying

Red flags all over this one. OP, I have horrible pregnancy nausea and was sick or sleeping for most of the time that I wasn't at work for at least 2 months of each pregnancy. DP did literally everything in the house, including cleaning and cooking for guests while holding a toddler. Your DH is doing nowhere near enough.

You are asking far too little and accepting even less. You are saying everything needs to be equal, but planning that you will be the only one losing sleep. You are saying it is all equal, but you can't even trust your DH to make food while you recover from giving birth. None of that is equal.

No, you’re not being unreasonable.

The bins are a physical representation of his disdain for you, and his unwillingness to support you.

What is unreasonable is raising a child in this dynamic. You can choose to stay, a child doesn’t have that choice.

Obviously not because there is no point in them both having broken sleep was stated earlier

He doesn't want this baby does he? And he doesn't care about you. There is no way my dh would have let me go to hospital visits alone - they are his children and he wanted to be as involved as possible. And you don't go away with friends when your wife is 37 weeks (which you will be next week). You just don't

My ex yelled at me for not cleaning the cooker properly. He actually made a 16 year old with a newborn cry because I didn’t clean it to this imaginary standards.

You’re an adult - don’t let yourself be trapped with a dickhead like that. He’ll get worse once the baby is here.

You don’t seem to be taking in just how bad he is.

If you choose to carry on it will only get worse once the baby is born.

You’ll be back here asking why your husband won’t help enough.

Aside from he is an utter twat, there is another consideration here.

There are lots of things you are capable of doing, BUT at this stage in the pregnancy lifting heavy things is not a great idea. Your ligaments are particularly loose. I made the mistake of lifting a shower door off the floor (we were renovating), pulled my groin and then needed a wheelchair for any great distances for the remainder of my pregnancy 🤦‍♀️.

If you ask him to do something, he should bloody do it!

OP do you have any other support? Can you go and stay somewhere else for a while? His behaviour is not at all normal. Most men would be doing way more than this with a heavily pregnant partner. He has so many red flags, it's only gonna get worse when baby is here

Guarantee he’s one of those that complains you don’t pay attention to him anymore now the baby’s here 🤦‍♀️