3 weeks from due date and DH refuses to help - everything must be 'equal'

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted. Our bins were overflowing and needed to be taken out for collection (they only collect fortnightly). I asked my husband FIVE times over 48 hours to take them out, explaining that if we miss collection, we'll have nowhere for food waste for two weeks.

He kept saying "in a bit" but never did it, so we missed collection. When I finally confronted him, his response was "the bin is on wheels, you could have managed it yourself!!"

I'm furious. This is only the SECOND time I've asked him to deal with the bins during my entire 9-month pregnancy. He actually told me after 8 months that he'd help with the bins, and still refuses to do it. Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?

I've asked barely anything of him this whole time - I still cook, clean, and maintain the same standards as before pregnancy. He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over.

He does pull his weight around the house generally and probably does more than me, but today made a flippant comment that "he does everything." Meanwhile, he's been on holiday to last week with friends, is going away again next week, and living his normal life while I'm struggling at 36 weeks. Is it fair to only ask for support if doing something is impossible? Or is it reasonable to just ask for support occasionally?! Please let me know what happens in other relationships on this.

I ended up calling the collection service myself and taking the bins out (wasn't as heavy as it looked, but that's not the point or is it and is he right?).

I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable here? Is he? Are we both?

This makes me think of women who have trouble surviving financially because they’re having to make do with their reduced maternity pay and no adjustments are made to the husband‘s “share“. Denying female biology in this so-called “equality” that some now are thinking is feminism really isn’t helping women.

This.

Go live with your parents before baby is born.

Lots of people are telling you that this is not a good relationship. It will only get worse. Leave. Start planning today.

I know you don't want to listen /can't hear right now. That's quite normal. It normally takes a while to sink in but you don't have much time to get settled before baby is here.

You are still stuck on the bins. The bins are just the tip of the iceberg of his unreasonable behaviour. It seems he is treating you as a housemate not the person he should love and cherish.

You are putting yourself at risk of PND living with his controlling ways.

Go.

I had a horrible labour, emergency C section and horrendous post natal depression. DH raised/ cared for the baby on his own for the first 8 weeks whilst looking after me. This is what equal is. I would bet anything that your husband would not even consider this. What a poor life you are in for.

You really would be better on your own. A good man would be taking extra special care of you and your precious baby.

2 weeks? Big of him!

Well my husband had a very minor medical procedure today and I went with him because it was boring and uncomfortable and much nicer to have company. He hadn't grown a whole new life! He didn't "need" me there but nevertheless i was there just because.

Hi OP, I hope you are feeling better today.

I stayed with my husband after he was pretty useless in late pregnancy.

In fairness, he tried his best often, but similar to yours, he would procrastinate over things I asked of him and then it would get forgotten. Or he would huff when i asked him to do things. He has turned himself around big time in fairness... this worked for me:

I stopped trying to prove that I was doing enough/more than him. I just told him I didn't want to do it. The minute I stopped being a martyr he picked up the slack. Tell me, does your husband have a martyr mum? If so, you have to take a different approach. I went for princess bitch, and it made my husband view me as worth more than him being a lazy bollox. The laundry and rubbish built up until he just started doing them.

Look, I'll get slated for this approach and I know it is moderately manipulative. But guess what, our marriage is largely happy and I love him. I am glad i am with him. It's not perfect, and I'm not suggesting it's for everyone, but it was my choice and it worked for me to a large extent.

I really hope this isn't real cos it's just so miserable.

The only relevant advice here, OP, is to get out. Can you go stay with your parents until you're in a better place to be independent?

There is no 50/50 when it comes to pregnancy, you are doing it all. The hardest & most dangerous part - it's all on you.

As for going on holiday at the point you move into the time frame of normal labour is absolutely & completely unforgivable.

Stop defending him. Stop stop stop. There's more than a whiff of Andrew Tate mentality coming from this. You'll get loads of support here but it's very hard if you aggressively defend this manbaby.

FFS you are 36 weeks pregnant!
He is NEVER going to take care of you or your child.
Leave now.

Was just going to say this. When our neighbour was heavily pregnant (her husband works away a lot), one of us would always make sure her bins were put out and brought in so she didn't have to do it!

OP - we cared more about our neighbours wellbeing and unborn baby than your husband cares about you. Sorry to be harsh but you need to hear it.

As for saying nobody is giving you advice, everybody is. To leave him. You just don't want to hear it.

With respect to everyone saying to get out - I do agree but it isn’t going to be easy for the OP at this stage of the game. What immediate practical steps should she be taking? Perhaps that would be more realistic than just berating her. Maybe OP is from a. very conservative or religious background and is struggling with the idea of splitting up. Perhaps her parents wouldn’t support her leaving. It isn’t easy for lots of women.

OP @pleaseguveadvicenotattack YANBU about the bins. Since you asked. Definitely NBU.

Firstly Quinlan ..
You saying , I’m sure he has always been like this , makes little to no sense 🤷🏻‍♀️, Yeah , prob a 50/50 relationship, but OP wasn’t pregnant before so I’m sure she thought he’d step up obviously & things would be different while pregnant ! …

OP it’s your own business but he shouldn’t be going on holiday so close to you having baby , he shouldn’t want to go !
Also , you mention you never expected him to go to any hospital appointment’s , he should want to go , maybe not all , but def have wanted to be there for some ..
With regards to the bins what a dick !
if your male neighbour or male passer-by saw you pulling out bins heavily pregnant , I’d nearly bet the winning lotto numbers they would stop & offer to do it !…
Hopefully he steps up when he becomes a dad , it can really change men for the good aswel , you just don’t know , you have to wait & see I suppose 🤷🏻‍♀️….
Good luck with your new baby 🎈 x & that husband of yours ! !

but fair! to quote the Pythons

@Valeriekat 'vicious but fair' a teaching mantra to live by. 😁

Hi there,
Sorry to hear that things are a struggle at the moment, OP, especially at such a vulnerable time. We have moved your thread to Relationships as that tends to be a board where cooler heads prevail, and perhaps that's what's needed right now. All our love and strength for a calm and stress-free labour and beyond. x

My husband actually did have to spoon feed me fora day I was that tired!

Yes because it is what decent loving men do! They cherish the mother of their child.

I asked about your living in the USA because you used the term "curse words" which is common in N. America. We say "swearing" in the UK.

Anyway. I'm shocked that he's going away just as labour is imminent. How selfish of him. I suppose his view is that he won't need to be there, as only you will be the one giving birth.

I'm not sure what you want people to say, OP. Some are rightly highlighting that your DH's behaviour is not acceptable and you then defend him by saying that he pulls his weight in other areas.

If you genuinely want other opinions then yes, of course your DH should have taken the bins out. You shouldn't even need to ask him. He knows you're heavily pregnant and even if you could physically move them, the point is, men who love their wives would do them the kindness of caring for them/picking up the slack vokuntarily when their wife is sick or weeks away from giving birth.

Why is he insisting that you cook every other night? Why are you still cooking, cleaning and taking out the bins if you are exhausted? What exactly does 'pulling his weight' look like to you, because from the outside, it looks like he treats you like a servant or, at best, a flat mate he doesn't particularly like.

In my mind, marriage should be a partnership. This means at some stages you will pick up more slack to support your husband and vice versa. It's not one long chore wheel that never changes. This is a stage where your husband needs to put you first and be doing everything, frankly.

Have you discussed what life will look like once the baby arrives? Because if he can't be bothered helping his heavily pregnant and exhausted wife now, what makes you think he's going to help when you have a baby to care for as well? I'd be having that conversation over and over again, as well as one about life changing and needing to adapt.

My DH had to go away when I was around 33 weeks pregnant as his father was dying.

Our cat sitter came round to change the cat's litter tray for me so I wouldn't have to take the toxamaplosis risk (she volunteered, I didn't ask). She also took my bins out for me. Multiple neighbours (we're in a block of flats) offered to drive me to doctors appointments, collect my prescriptions and pick up shopping for me.

When DH was at home he did all the physical jobs - cooking, hoovering, bins, litter tray etc. Told me to put my feet up and rest.

Most people want to help heavily pregnant women out, not insist it's the pregnant woman's 'turn' to put the bins out. Your H should be encouraging you to take it easy at 38 weeks pregnant.

Oh love, I'm so sorry. He's going to be infinitely worse once the reality of the baby is here.

The weight of the work is going to fall on your shoulders.

He will see no reason why he has to change, to step up and share. That's his character - Being ND will add extra dimensions to this.

You've given us a snapshot of your life - and we're responding with a prediction of what it's going to be like, from a range of experience.

Don't get angry with us. Save your anger for the man who will be making your life harder soon.

Do you have mum, sister, friends you could ask to go to? You need help and support he will not be giving.

Did he actually truly want this baby?

He won’t anyway. Why should he when there’s food in the freezer and it’s not like the op is working so she should have been doing all the cooking anyway.
decent men would leave the freezer food for when they are back at work, but this man won’t. The op knows she had to make it really if she wants food as while he might cook like he agreed, the anger cost of him actually doing something for her won’t be worth it.

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack he doesn't sound like he cares about you TBH. I have had flu for 2 weeks and DH has done everything for me as I am exhausted.

50/50 doesn't work in these situations, once you are on maternity leave presumably he'll be expecting you to do 100% of everything as he'll rattle on about how hes working etc, unless hes a surgeon or a pilot then its tough shit IMO! In reality that won't work, having a newborn is exhausting, my DS1 didnt sleep at night for more than an hour for 7 weeks, DH had to do some night times as I couldn't function and was getting to the stage where I was getting depressed. That is what you enter into when having DC together, its a partnership and needs to be split however is necessary to get through reasonably.

My DH was good when the DC were young, he has become lazy as time has gone on and its pretty frustrating TBH. He seems to see himself as the main breadwinner, he isnt, I earn more than him and work same hours plus do everything in the house/with the kids. If it had been like this to start with I'd have been off. Its not a good life!!

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack your life sounds incredibly hard.

From reading your posts, it seems like your husband doesn't want to make any allowances for the fact that you are pregnant. It seems that you are the main housekeeper and will go on to be the default parent.

He doesn't seem to treat you with the sort of kindness/care that one would expect from a life partner/someone who is supposed to love you. You don't seem to have noticed this.

Many of the posters on this thread are aghast that you seem so accepting of how poorly your partner treats you.

The expectation is that when someone is in a relationship that they work as a team, on the same side to improve the quality of life for both persons. From your descriptions, it's seems that your DH is the main/only beneficiary from the relationship. Your needs do not seem to have any importance to him. Or indeed, to you.

If you were my daughter I would be extremely concerned that you will be in a vulnerable position without adequate support after giving birth. Your husband and you seem ill equipped and not really realistic regarding the demands and changes to life after the birth of your baby.

Have you got friends or family who can help you after birth? Maybe even stay for a few weeks to support you?

You're working, growing a new human, and you're still cooking from scratch every night? You must be completely exhausted.
His expectations around not eating pre-frozen food aren't realistic. Batch cook and have done with it. You need to find shortcuts wherever you can do.
Good luck with the birth and your mat leave, I would honestly be having a candid conversation with him about what needs to change so that you can both enjoy this next bit of your life.