3 weeks from due date and DH refuses to help - everything must be 'equal'

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted. Our bins were overflowing and needed to be taken out for collection (they only collect fortnightly). I asked my husband FIVE times over 48 hours to take them out, explaining that if we miss collection, we'll have nowhere for food waste for two weeks.

He kept saying "in a bit" but never did it, so we missed collection. When I finally confronted him, his response was "the bin is on wheels, you could have managed it yourself!!"

I'm furious. This is only the SECOND time I've asked him to deal with the bins during my entire 9-month pregnancy. He actually told me after 8 months that he'd help with the bins, and still refuses to do it. Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?

I've asked barely anything of him this whole time - I still cook, clean, and maintain the same standards as before pregnancy. He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over.

He does pull his weight around the house generally and probably does more than me, but today made a flippant comment that "he does everything." Meanwhile, he's been on holiday to last week with friends, is going away again next week, and living his normal life while I'm struggling at 36 weeks. Is it fair to only ask for support if doing something is impossible? Or is it reasonable to just ask for support occasionally?! Please let me know what happens in other relationships on this.

I ended up calling the collection service myself and taking the bins out (wasn't as heavy as it looked, but that's not the point or is it and is he right?).

I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable here? Is he? Are we both?

Your husband would let waste gather to unsafe amounts in your home because he thinks it's not his job.

He can't be bothered to know health information about your pregnancy and baby that he should be aware of. He's going away voluntarily when you're very close to term. That's uncaring and worse, unsafe. I hope you have a nearby emergency contact and plan for transport if you go into labour.

I've had strangers on the streets of NYC be more helpful and kinder to me than your husband is to you. This is not going to get better. Maybe you should go stay with your parents. Your husband is unreliable and unsafe and has very unrealistic expectations.

The cooking from scratch every night is another ridiculous thing, batch cooking is a godsend when having young DC, plus the odd couple of easy meals when you are tired/short of time. It doesn't sound like a realistic way of living and why does he get to decide, if you want to batch cook then do it, if he doesn't like it then he can cook himself his gourmet meal from scratch!

When I was pregnant my DH took over 90% of cooking, 90% of cleaning. I was unwell with morning sickness and it was no I'll do it you go rest/nap whatever. When he went away with work he would batch cook and freeze meals so I could defrost and have something quick.

Postpartum (c section) he did all cooking and cleaning for 6 weeks. We did shifts and he would take baby at 8pm - 2am while I slept (bringing baby to me if wanted a feed) and then we would swap. Even during 'my shift' for the first week he would wake up and pick baby up out of next to me etc and hand over because of the twisting after my c section. He wanted me to focus on healing and establishing feeding.

When he went back to work he would batch cook lunches on a Sunday night so I could have lunch easy when at home with baby.

Still think your DH is such a prince? Stop defending his awful behaviour and prepare to essentially be a single mum of your baby and a toddler (him). Or realise you deserve better.

Commiserations that you will be co-parenting with this man child.

'We've agreed'?

Or he's told you?

I'm very sorry you're having a child with this absolute tosser.

It IS a necessary and helpful comment - you just for unknown reasons refuse to open your eyes to reality. He IS a total misogynist & scumbag because he will not accept the toll that pregnancy, childbirth & breastfeeding (if you do so) are taking and will take on your physical & emotional health. Equality is not 50:50 chores, because he as a man is not growing a baby, and you as a woman are! He is lying to you and treating you like crap - worse than a total stranger would treat a pregnant woman.

There must be some reasons why you are accepting all his shitty, unloving, disrespectful, cruel behaviour - please look within yourself to try to figure out what these reasons are, examine them, get help and open your eyes to reality.

You want advice, here it is: LTB.

He sounds like a right wanker.

This is one of the saddest posts I've ever read. What a mess. get rid of him, it won't get any better if he's ND.

I keep coming back to this but it is so distressing. It shows a complete an utter lack of understanding in how brutal the newborn stage is. And how important having a competent adult taking care of the newborn is.

if anyone should be getting sleep, it is the person looking after a newborn baby. As exhaustion could mean you fall asleep unsafely and you baby dies.

Sleep is essential for the recovery period of birth, especially a section op.
When you go back to work I assume you will be sharing night wakings.... so why does he get to be absolved during maternity leave?
Looking after a baby means you need to be restored and alert so you don't have an accident and it helps reduce the risk of depression, unless he's a long distance truck driver or working with heavy dangerous machinery then he does as many night wakings as you do.

Why is this not 50/50?

People are constructive in their posts

All are saying leave it will only get worse. You need to listen

I think your idea about the birth process and the fact you will be all recovered and able to pull your weight is very naive.

Also how is he going to do his 2 weeks post birth if he is away on holiday

OP you are not being unreasonable here.

Im just under 38 weeks pregnant and the exhaustion is real. I am still working and by the time I finish work I am exhasted, very uncomfortable and have little energy. My DH understands this and while I try to cook dinner etc, he offers to help and has taken on more chores including walking the dog, hoovering etc.

You asked him to take out the bins, not deep clean the entire house so no you are not being unreasonable and you need to set boundaries when baby gets there or I have a feeling you will be lumped with doing everything.

Moving it to relationships won't mean that you get different answers. You will get the same responses.

Please really open your mind to what these people are trying to tell you.