3 weeks from due date and DH refuses to help - everything must be 'equal'

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted. Our bins were overflowing and needed to be taken out for collection (they only collect fortnightly). I asked my husband FIVE times over 48 hours to take them out, explaining that if we miss collection, we'll have nowhere for food waste for two weeks.

He kept saying "in a bit" but never did it, so we missed collection. When I finally confronted him, his response was "the bin is on wheels, you could have managed it yourself!!"

I'm furious. This is only the SECOND time I've asked him to deal with the bins during my entire 9-month pregnancy. He actually told me after 8 months that he'd help with the bins, and still refuses to do it. Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?

I've asked barely anything of him this whole time - I still cook, clean, and maintain the same standards as before pregnancy. He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over.

He does pull his weight around the house generally and probably does more than me, but today made a flippant comment that "he does everything." Meanwhile, he's been on holiday to last week with friends, is going away again next week, and living his normal life while I'm struggling at 36 weeks. Is it fair to only ask for support if doing something is impossible? Or is it reasonable to just ask for support occasionally?! Please let me know what happens in other relationships on this.

I ended up calling the collection service myself and taking the bins out (wasn't as heavy as it looked, but that's not the point or is it and is he right?).

I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable here? Is he? Are we both?

I have a 15 month old and those first few months are difficult healing from birth, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation and adapting to life with a baby. Also the baby blues are really a thing and you will need support.
I'm very house proud and love to cook fresh every day, but it just couldn't happen with a newborn. My husband did so much and you NEED him to do the bins and every other job around the house and to support you and the newborn.

Set expectations now as I'm not going to sugar coat it, I found the newborn stage hard and you both need to support one another so speak to him now to make sure he will man up and support his partner and baby.

And you get to shove an 8lb item up his bum, giving him tears and stitches for good measure. And don’t forget what you get to do to his nipples once the baby arrives! And there should be a rota for nappies on the wall. Don’t do one more than him. Fair is fair, after all!

My H was like this..although maybe not quite as bad 🤔 he would ‘cook’ but really he only heated ultra processed food up. Yes it’s about the bins but it’s so much more. You should be doing less, you’re growing a person! Strap a 10lb bowling ball to his stomach and then tell him to take the bins out!
I’m very concerned for you OP. This kind of behaviour doesn’t get better. Mine certainly didn’t. I do recall refusing to have another baby while he was behaving like he was, in retrospect I’m glad I didn’t. The most worrying thing isn’t necessarily how he treats you, but that there’s no compromise. He idea of ‘fairness’ is utter bollocks but he doesn’t even do the whole ‘Oh I’ll try harder.’ He’s just telling you you’re wrong. what’s he going to be like when the bins are full of dirty nappies and there’s a screaming baby waiting to be fed?!
Please talk to your midwife. Please have an escape plan. I stayed for far too long. My DC and I are so much happier without him in our homes.

Don't worry about putting the bins out. Leave it, he is happy to leave it because he knows you will back down before he does.
Leave him to the bins, don't ask him, don't tell him, don't stress over it, just leave it.
I know this is hard but what you tolerate will continue.

Dh and I have 20 years of a very equal marriage. We have never counted up who does which jobs or refused to help each other. I do a bit more if he is ill or busy with work. He does more when I’m ill or travelling for work. When dc were babies, he did 90% of the cooking for years because I was baby feeding. And he has always done his share of laundry and cleaning etc.

that is how an equal relationship should be. Not counting up chores or refusing to do a household job.

My baby is a few months old now and that time has been the hardest in my life physically and mentally and on my very happy supportive relationship. I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I had a husband who didn’t feel like it was his role to look after me during the time. His mantra is I keep you alive, you keep the baby alive which means he’s picked up all the house chores. I have barely done anything!

So no you’re not unreasonable but please make sure you have support if it’s nothing coming from him.

That makes me so sad. Seriously considering ditching the lazy, selfish sod. He sounds like he wants a housekeeper not somebody to love and cherish. I don’t see it going well with the baby.

Don’t cook him meals if you’re too tired. I’d tell him to f-off frankly, but you don’t want that hassle in late pregnancy. Tell him you’re heavily pregnant and feel too unwell to cook. I can’t believe he cares so little about you and his imminent child 😞

Wow. A stranger in the street would help you more than that right now OP. Shocking

He doesn't love you, any man in love with his heavily pregnant wife would be rushing to stop you having to do such things like the bins.
There are men that would take pride to not put this stress on their wife.
You are growing his baby, it is exhausting, the baby is literally a parasite sucking energy from you to grow and he can't take a fucking bin out without raising hell and having a strop....

No you aren't being unreasonable but you will be if you stay with this piece of shit.

The inflexibility is going to have to change once the baby arrives. Good luck to him otherwise! Parenthood involves heaps of flexibility!

I just don’t get it. Where did these men come from that they can’t get off their ass and help a heavily pregnant woman. This is a man who’s showing you who he is. I just wish for your sake he’d have let you know sooner. It doesn’t even make sense to me that he sees you carrying around his baby and he doesn’t give a shit. Was he nice in the beginning. I wish you nothing but a better future. Hopefully you might be able to dump this piece of lead in the ocean and find a better life. Selfish piece of crap.

There seem to have been a spate of threads on here recently with DPs who think they're enforcing equality but have a massive blind spot when it comes to reproductive labour. He's a freeloading twat and I'd be off to my parents personally. Appreciate not everyone has this option.

This. And ditto for feeding the child. If you bottle feed then yes - equal share of all feeding related work. But if you breastfeed then he picks up the slack elsewhere while you (and you alone) nourish the infant.

This is such a depressing read. I dread the post partum season for you. My husband couldn't do enough for me pregnant and post partum, and in our relationship in general we've supported eachother. 50/50 is fair, but in a long term relationship and the stages is brings (including pregnancy) sometimes one of the ratio will be 70/30. Sometimes 90/10. The point is a healthy relationship recognises that nuance. Your body is going through it, it will go though more very soon and yet more after that. He needs to be there for you, none of this 50 50 malarkey as you can't always quantify that.

I had an emergency section and a disastrous birth, happily a healthy baby, but after my husband did ALL the housework and ALL the cooking, and alot of the baby care too as I was recovering.

He doesn't love you. That's the reason he is like this. You may as well ditch him now, it won't get any better.

In 6 months time when you're severely sleep deprived because you've done every night waking since the baby was born, you will realise he genuinely does not give a shit about you.

You will look at other couples where they share the load and enjoy the teamwork, and wonder why you picked such a dud.

Unfortunately many men are entirely selfish and incapable of putting anyone else's needs equal to their own. Most women on the other hand will put the needs of loved ones above their own. It's evolutionary. But luckily we don't have to put up with it in this day and age.

God I hate men like this. Before I went on mat leave I had to work with a man like this. I was off for a week with a kidney infection and premature contractions so he decided to take the next week off, my last week before mat leave, leaving me with all our projects by myself when I had been warned about going into early labour. (Which happened.) Some men definitely do have this horrible tit for tat attitude when it comes to pregnancy and don't think we should get 'special treatment.'

Focus on you and your baby now. He’s not your problem to solve right now. Save your energy to find help for you and the baby, you will need support from other adults after the birth. Can you arrange to go and stay with someone else after the birth?

Make sure you don’t fall into the trap of making yourself and the baby more vulnerable by treating him like a good prospective new dad, when he’s showing himself very likely not to be able to be that. Doesn’t have to be confrontational situation, just realistic

He might step up to a good Dad level at a later stage or he might not, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. For now though you have a short time to get yourself in a position where you’re confident that you have support, if he continues to fall short. Everyone on here is also rooting for you and the baby so the blunt posts you’ll find on here are well meant.

How is he ‘otherwise kind’ to you? He’s being a total arsehole. Who the fuck makes their heavily pregnant wife haul out the bins?! Jesus, what am I reading? Unbelievable.

Ask him to grow a HUMAN. What a selfish prick

I don’t think any decent man would let his partner drag heavy bins around while heavily pregnant. Not even consideration for his own unborn baby. Having a massive watermelon size bump stuck in your stomach makes balance and being able to see over it precarious anyway.

You shouldn’t have even had to ask him OP, let alone numerous times. Surely he knows when bin day is?

If your relationship has been OK in your eyes until now, I’d be extremely concerned that his attitude to you is changing now you’re about to become a mother. It’s a tale as old as time and common for domestic abuse (not only violence) to start.

Saying that if as you say, he MAKES you cook dinner from scratch every other night, your relationship obviously wasn’t that great in the first place. My DH couldn’t and wouldn’t make me do anything and if I can’t be bothered to cook, is happy to make food himself if he doesn’t want take out, even after working all day because he values me and doesn’t expect me do anything for him that he can’t do himself.

It already sounds like he’s trying to distance himself from you and the baby. No normal father to be would bugger off for holidays in his partner’s late pregnancy. When were these holidays booked btw? After your due date was confirmed?

I’d be on alert now this incident has made some scales fall from your eyes.

Agree he’ll probably be worse when the baby is born.

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack if he makes you cook every other night, does that mean he cooks on the other nights?? if not, then what do you eat??

Wow, he’s the worst! How utterly unappealing. He should be treating you like a queen. Has he not realised that life is not equal and women and men are different (for a start, men are 100% incapable of growing a baby, so they need to try their best to pull their weight by taking out some measly bins)?

First port of call for me would be simply not cooking every other day. I’d just not, and have some cereal or something. Make sure I have a big meal at lunch if he’s not around etc.

Again, really? So you plan on doing this after the baby is born? So he doesn't have to eat previously frozen food on the nights he makes you cook?

Has he laid down what he expects from you after delivery? 🤔

I hate to tell you but if he’s like this pre kids, things are going to get a lot worse with a baby! The mental load shifts massively and in your case it’s already unbalanced.

I’m sorry OP but this is not a loving healthy relationship. You are not being unreasonable about the bins, no decent man would stand by and let you do that at any stage of your pregnancy. He should be taking care of you and your unborn child, and should absolutely be taking on more of the housework as you are growing a human being, which takes a lot out of you mentally and physically.

Please don’t minimise his behaviour. Consider what you would say if your sister or best friend confided that their husband behaved this way.