3 weeks from due date and DH refuses to help - everything must be 'equal'

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted. Our bins were overflowing and needed to be taken out for collection (they only collect fortnightly). I asked my husband FIVE times over 48 hours to take them out, explaining that if we miss collection, we'll have nowhere for food waste for two weeks.

He kept saying "in a bit" but never did it, so we missed collection. When I finally confronted him, his response was "the bin is on wheels, you could have managed it yourself!!"

I'm furious. This is only the SECOND time I've asked him to deal with the bins during my entire 9-month pregnancy. He actually told me after 8 months that he'd help with the bins, and still refuses to do it. Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?

I've asked barely anything of him this whole time - I still cook, clean, and maintain the same standards as before pregnancy. He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over.

He does pull his weight around the house generally and probably does more than me, but today made a flippant comment that "he does everything." Meanwhile, he's been on holiday to last week with friends, is going away again next week, and living his normal life while I'm struggling at 36 weeks. Is it fair to only ask for support if doing something is impossible? Or is it reasonable to just ask for support occasionally?! Please let me know what happens in other relationships on this.

I ended up calling the collection service myself and taking the bins out (wasn't as heavy as it looked, but that's not the point or is it and is he right?).

I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable here? Is he? Are we both?

I actually feel genuinely upset reading this OP.
What a nasty, selfish, misogynistic man.
He really sounds as though he doesn't even like you, let alone care about you.
And he obviously doesn't care about the baby.
What justification does he have for 2 holidays with his pals when you are so heavily pregnant?
You would be much better off without this excuse for a human being.

No you are insanely passive.

To be honest it doesn’t matter what you do - he is not going to step up. Be sensible now and prepare to have the child alone.

Think about who you want at the birth and where you will go afterwards. Mum ? Sister ? Friend ?

In what way is he kind to you?

but you will be expected to still do the bins and cooking and everything else like before`?

He's going to cook for two weeks? You agree it's no point both getting no sleep? No! nonononono! Please listen to those of us who have had babies. This proposal is not fair. Your life will be awful- really, really awful.

On the sleep, for example - a fair thing would be you having say 3 hours sleep and him, if he had to go to work, having 4 hours broken sleep. Sometimes neither of you get any. That's what it's really like with a 4 week old, 5 week old, sometimes again with a 6 month old, 8 month old, 18 month old... You cannot start this thing off with him expecting that he'll get a night's sleep, or maybe a bit of disrupted sleep but back to normal in 2 weeks.

On the chores - when you have a baby sometimes you literally can do nothing else all day long. Does he know this? When is he planning to do all the housework and cooking- not just for 2 weeks but maybe for a year??

Please OP. This isn't going to work.

The reason you are upset about the bins is that you're slowly clocking that his perspective is fundamentally unfair. Lean into this. Find your assertiveness.

I love this and yes.

He is a tosser. How can he justify not doing far far more and letting you loaf around at this stage. I would resent this behaviour for all my days.

But why is him being "kind" to you enough? Doesn't he also have to be respectful, loving, hard working, fair...?

I'm kind to my cats. I give them treats and head scratches and I let them sit on my knee. But they eat when I feed them, they go where I allow them, they are locked in the house when I decide.

I know it's a silly comparison but my point is that being kind does not an equal partner make.

He's a selfish knob. He's not been to any hospital appointment with you, nor any scans. Does he even give a shit? He can't be arsed to take the bins out then lays blame on you for not doing it, even though you're heavily pregnant.

Personally, I'd leave and go back to my parents where I know I'd be well looked after. This is a crucial time for you to get things ready and look after yourself before baby arrives. He should be helping out and doing extra jobs.

If you do decide to stay when the baby arrives, I hope you're planning on letting him look after the baby 50% of the time and that it's not all going to fall upon you. And dont give up your job to look after the baby full time. He doesn't sound like a reliable man.

OP I have heard of an older female relative in my family whose husband was like this, she was religious so wouldn’t have considered leaving. My parents were at the house a few weeks before the end of one of her pregnancies and her ‘D’H sat down after eating the meal she had cooked and said “The coal scuttle is empty, you need to fetch some more in” He was happy for his heavily pregnant wife to go down a flight of stone steps across an icy yard and lug a heavy bucket of coal back up the steps. My father jumped up and did it for her. She had fallen on those steps in a previous pregnancy.

In later years it emerged that he had been financially abusive as well, their children insisted that their mother was given equal access to money, despite working for many years she had never been allowed a cheque book or debit card and seldom had new clothes or anything for herself.

You must not tolerate this, as PP’s have said it will get worse when the baby is here. If he will not see reason and step up to help you at this time then you need to consider leaving. Do you have a family member you can stay with if need be?

You are 36 weeks pregnant. A decent man would be helping you in everything he can proactively. There are other red flags sorry: going on vacation when your baby can actually come anytime now and not showing interest in going to your appointments is crappy behaviour. Sorry OP this is not how a loving partner behaves

I really feel for you op. The last stages of pregnancy are hard, this should be your time to rest when you can. My DP can be a bit useless and crap at getting round to stuff but he'd never treat me like this, either when I was pregnant or not.

I also don't understand the bit about him going away next week- he's away this close to your due date? My partner wouldn't have gone on holiday or even away for work at this point in my pregnancies.

From what I've read I agree with the people saying leave now - having a newborn will be harder with him than without from the sounds of it.

No! Don’t calm down! Stay angry and kick him out. This is only the start. I can guarantee that he’ll be worse after the baby’s born, and you are likely to need support beyond the two meagre weeks that he’s offered (which you don’t trust him to provide).

Remind him that everything being equal will also include him getting up in the night when the baby cries, and looking after the baby while you have free time out of the house.

@TheoriginalMrsDarcy he has been to two scans

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack Do you have a good relationship with your mum? If yes, please tell her what is going on.
Your husband is a selfish, lazy, uncaring excuse for a decent human beiing. If this was my dd I would bring her home & take care of her until she could get rid of him & manage alone.
Please do what is best for you. He's putting himself first. You have to put you first because he won't even consider it.

100%
Your husband is a controlling dick

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack

He makes me cook every other night without exception

Really? How does he "make" you and what happens if you refuse?

He's a selfish arsehole and I guarantee it will be worse when the baby is here.

I feel so angry for you OP. My husband is far far from perfect but less of a shit than yours

You need to start firmly doing what is right for you and your child.

Did he want this baby? What an atmosphere to bring a baby into.

Sorry he has been to two scans can people please at least read before passing judgement

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack the only thing you are being unreasonable about is actually staying with this horrible "dear" husband who does not give two cents about you! as long as he has his holidays with his mates! we will see you back here in a few months asking if you should dump him but you still love him!!!

@Mellowautumnmists sorry he doesn't make me I do it because otherwise it isn't equal and we do everything equally.

I dont eat unless it's cooked from scratch

Agree with pp, you are carrying a baby. It cannot be equal even if he licked the bin clean.

he is an arsehole and the first year with your baby is going to be brutal